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AIBU?

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Original poster

Upset at daughters words

134 replies

SurroMummy13 · 07/04/2016 09:53

I have a hole load of shit going on atm, stressed about work, money and other things in my life.

Oh a daily basis my daughter is telling me she doesn't like me, I'm a horrible mummy. Yes she's 3 and I know I shouldn't let it get to me so if any of the nasty asses want to have a bitchy comment, piss off elsewhere. I'm upset at this.

She only stops when she knows she's 100% upset me. I'm the one who does a damn thing for her and I'm the only one who gets treated this way. Himself just says 'well she's at that age'

Sat in floods of tears because of the way she's been with me just in the last 2 hours.

OP posts:
FeralBeryl · 07/04/2016 10:30

This isn't really her, she is just the cherry on the top of your shitty cake. Flowers
Other posters really aren't having a go, and we're all far from perfect, really. We've been there too.
Would it be helpful to say what else is bothering you in more detail to try and get some resolution there?
Give your DD a kiss, something to play with and come and tell us what else is hopeless.

ricketytickety · 07/04/2016 10:30

It must be a phase they all go through! When you hear it it's the last thing you expect, but from the sounds of it we've all had a taste of it. Take comfor that you're not the only one op. And try the love stuff. It sounds countter intuitive, but it will teach her how to get attention being kind to you an how much you love her.

Generally, it's good life advice in general. If you take ownership of soomething negative then you'll feel shitty. If you react completely the opposite way, the person giving you shit will not try it again. I used to work in customer services and was called all sorts by very angry people. My ultimate disarming tactic was to be nice and listen and smile. It took all the fight out of them. And I wasn't left feeling abused.

Greyponcho · 07/04/2016 10:31

Your OH needs to stop hiding and help out - they should be there to help reduce your stress, not add to it, & leaving all the shit to you is adding to it which is making something like this unmanageable.

RudeElf · 07/04/2016 10:31

What happens when she says these things to you? What is your reaction?

At a guess "yeah? Well you're a little shit so piss off. Go get fucked"

Just a hunch.

ceebie · 07/04/2016 10:31

She's doing it to get a reaction, and the more you react, the more she'll do it. Try being completely not bothered at all, ever, about it. Either ignore, or say something completely calm like "is that right" or "oh, really?", and walk away.

I know you're feeling frustrated, but taking it out on other posters won't help either. It's a good idead to ignore them too, if you don't like what they're posting.

IAmNotAMindReader · 07/04/2016 10:31

Hard as it is with a million other things going on, you can't react to her by letting her see she's made an impact on you. The tears can come when she's in bed for now as she's become the trigger that sets off all you feel about your current situation. She hasn't caused it, she just gets the reaction that brings it all out.
I'm used to being told I'm hated by my kids and my response has always been the same "I'm not here to be liked. I'm here to see you grow up to be a happy adult and that takes rules now" although that's probably more appropriate for older kids.

They don't know or care at this age that the groundwork we put in now to help them be responsible, independent adults later will mean they have a better chance of a happier life as well adjusted adults. They want what they want now and any attempt to stop them is mean.

She does love you but she doesn't understand how her words impact you. She just sees she gets a reaction and she'll keep pushing for it. For now just shrug and say that's a shame because you love her and stick to your boundaries. Put the pain and rage at this into use as fuel to fight the other battles that are getting to you.
At the moment your daughters reaction to you is the catalyst for you letting out the injustice you feel about many situations. You still need to let that out, just in a different way.
It's hard when you feel you have to try to be super human because everyone else around has been so shit.

Thornrose · 07/04/2016 10:32

I think you can get trapped in a negative cycle of behaviour and response. I've been there, you may not realise that she is picking up on your mood right now. It's no ones fault, it happens.

Your dd needs to get back to enjoying positive attention. It's not good for her to thrive on negative attention.

It's a pain but try to praise any little thing she does well. Catch her being good.

Every time she says she hates you, tell her you love her.

lljkk · 07/04/2016 10:32

3yos can be foul... but she is only 3. Wait until her teenage brain finds your buttons. You need to find a sense of humour when dealing with kids. Little kids have so little power in their lives, they can't help but push the buttons they find. When teens are foul they mean it (sigh).

How about "What a shame, because I love you & you are stuck with me forever and forever!" & you chase her around the house shrieking like a baddy trying to tickle her.

LordoftheTits · 07/04/2016 10:32

OP, you came in on the offensive with, "if any of the nasty asses want to have a bitchy comment, piss off elsewhere."

I can't see anyone having a go at you but you're mouthing off, calling them assholes and telling them to get fucked. You're complaining that your DD is upsetting you with her attitude towards you but your attitude, frankly, stinks and you've been nothing but rude to people who are trying to advise you.

Jw35 · 07/04/2016 10:32

Wow! I wasn't expecting that reaction! Genuinely trying to help Confused to me it's a discipline issue that doesn't mean I think you're a bad mum, you may not have thought of it as it's easy to be hurt by your child's words when you're the mum. As an outsider it's easier for me to say that she's just winding you up!

I do think she could be picking up on your stress, absolutely! They're like little sponges and if you're stressed trust me she will be!

In what sense does that make me a perfect mother? You asked for help!

gamerchick · 07/04/2016 10:34

It sounds like you have a problem with your husband and feeling stressed, overwhelmed and left to deal with it all really does suck. 3 yr olds are hard but thankfully they grow out of it.

Maybe a day of love bombing will really help, have a lazy day and just concentrate on helping her feel more secure. Tension affects our little ones and they don't have the emotional capacity to cope so they act out on the person they feel the most comfortable with. It's us who has to absorb it all.

She doesn't really hate you, she doesn't know what it means. It's just a way of pushing boundaries as has been said unthread. Go easy on yourself.

ricketytickety · 07/04/2016 10:35

It is hard when you have zero support in rl. Sometimes a change of scenery can re-energise you. And a walk gives you space to think about what's going on in your life and how you can improve it.

EmGee · 07/04/2016 10:35

It sounds like you are very stressed which coupled with a tantruming 3yo is a recipe for disaster so Flowers for that.

However I thought Jw35 and other PPs make good points re disciplining her and being consistent especially if her dad is a bit useless in this area

People aren't being judgy, they are just making useful suggestions. You have to develop a thick skin to post on Mumsnet sometimes as people people can come across as judgemental even if their intention is kindly meant - and I think posters have generally been kind on here. It was IMHO a bit rude to react the way you did don't shout at me!!.

Guerre makes really good points. Don't beat yourself up though - I sometimes blow a gasket and then lie in bed awake at 3am wishing I had more self-control!

Greyponcho · 07/04/2016 10:35

Is she aware that the negative things in your life are getting a lot of your time/attention? Is it attention seeking, thinking if she's bad mummy will spend more time with her?
Maybe do an activity, something different and praise her for every little sodding thing she does, nice smile, play nice, holding hands - so that she prefers the positive attention instead? It'll be hard work, but may be worth a go?

Salmotrutta · 07/04/2016 10:35

OP - I started reading the thread and was shocked at your responses.

People are just trying to be helpful.

I ech what others have said by the way - e.g. Just saying "That is not a nice way to speak to me" then ignoring her whilst getting on with something.

Salmotrutta · 07/04/2016 10:36

echo - not "ech"

LizKeen · 07/04/2016 10:37

Calm down OP. Please. I am not going to have a go at you...so please do not read what I am about to say as that.

Firstly, you are very oversensitive. Can you see that? Your reaction to the posters on here is way over the top. So you are also being oversensitive with your DD. She is 3. She has no control over her emotions. It is our job as parents to guide our children through dealing with their emotions.

Stress can make us be like this, and feel like the world is against us. It sounds like you have a lot going on. You recognise this. That is good.

When you react to what she says, you are giving her too much control and power over you. Power that she has no idea how to cope with. So the cycle continues. She hurts you because she is three and doesn't like that you won't let her watch TV all day or won't give her chocolate for dinner, or whatever, you react and then she feels unsure and confused that you are upset and that makes her upset and so she hurts you again.

You need to take charge of the situation by taking a step back and realising that you cannot take it personally. Of course she doesn't hate you. She is 3. She has no idea what hate is. You are her mother and she loves you.

LeaLeander · 07/04/2016 10:39

Well, we know where she gets it.

IamaBluebird · 07/04/2016 10:42

She's only 3 Op. It sounds like a really stressful time for you at the moment. Different ways of dealing with the way your little daughter is behaving have been suggested. I'd try and deal with all the stuff that's making life difficult. If you feel better so will your little girl.

MiniCooperLover · 07/04/2016 10:43

OP, I think you are upset and understandably that's raised your stress levels, and as a person who can easily swear like a trooper, I assume you're falling back on the swearing as a stress relief because genuinely I think people are trying to help you here. My DS is now almost 5 and although he's never said 'I hate you' etc. his behaviour at times has been truly horrible and the only thing that has worked for him is for me to be really strong and really firm, but calm at the same time. She is pushing you because she needs you to be strong and firm with her and she needs to know the boundaries. Now, how you do that is up to you, but what worked for me was the naughty step (hate that phrase!) and persevering with it, I kept my tone of voice monotone and even if he came off it constantly he went back and he went back until he realised I meant business!! And at the end of it he got praise and cuddles and lots of kisses and told how much I love him and how proud I was of him. He was about 3 when this happened. He's still able to push my buttons at 5 but it's much easier.

No-one is criticising you, everyone is trying to help but your responses to us are too aggressive.

QueenofallIsee · 07/04/2016 10:45

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MartinaJ · 07/04/2016 10:45

Could it be you are really stressed out, running all around and the only way for her to get your attention and reaction is basically stress you out to the point you start crying? Perhaps she's only mirroring your behaviour because if you have lots in your life and trying to catch up with no rest in sight, there's a good chance you have a very low tolerance to her mistakes and faults.
I'm not saying it to judge you, been there, done it, got the t-shirt. And I had to step back and think hard about how my behaviour influences her and what impact it has on her.

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 07/04/2016 10:48

OP can you get out for a bit?
It does sound like you're very stressed and your dd is unhappy.

Give your dd a cuddle and get out for some fresh air. Go walk off some stress somewhere green if you can and let your dd play and explore.
Take some tea in a flask.

NeedACleverNN · 07/04/2016 10:49

Wait who was being nasty?

Was it what I said? Cos it certainly wasn't supposed to be a nasty comment. It was about ignoring the bad and praising the good.

My dd is the same. She is 3. She has bad behaviour I ignore it. She gives up quicker.

Scooterloo · 07/04/2016 10:52

all about love bombing

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