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Original poster

Upset at daughters words

134 replies

SurroMummy13 · 07/04/2016 09:53

I have a hole load of shit going on atm, stressed about work, money and other things in my life.

Oh a daily basis my daughter is telling me she doesn't like me, I'm a horrible mummy. Yes she's 3 and I know I shouldn't let it get to me so if any of the nasty asses want to have a bitchy comment, piss off elsewhere. I'm upset at this.

She only stops when she knows she's 100% upset me. I'm the one who does a damn thing for her and I'm the only one who gets treated this way. Himself just says 'well she's at that age'

Sat in floods of tears because of the way she's been with me just in the last 2 hours.

OP posts:
ricketytickety · 07/04/2016 10:17

You need to reframe it in your mind. She's not 'being a little shit' she's testing how solid her relationship is with you. She's your child and you are the mother. She's testing the safety of that bond. Gamer is right in that crying will just make her feel less stable. It hasn't worked so far for you, so why not try the other way. Have your stock answer ready 'Really? Well I love you because you are lovely' and she'll feel more secure, therefore stop needing to test you with the mean stuff.

Original poster
SurroMummy13 · 07/04/2016 10:17

I'm not having a go at people who are trying to help me.

I'm having a go at those who are being nasty when I asked for support.

Isn't that what mums net is supposed to be about? Support?

OP posts:
guerre · 07/04/2016 10:19

Is this the way you speak to your child?
I'm sorry you're finding things hard, but I think you need some support from outside the family here. Do they have a children's centre you can pop into? Do you have a HV you can chat to? You sound very stressed and angry, and she's just picking up on that.
Are you with her 24/7? Do you get any time at all to yourself?

Original poster
SurroMummy13 · 07/04/2016 10:19

Didn't know there were so many perfect mums in the world.

OP posts:
mumoseven · 07/04/2016 10:20

Wow OP I don't see anything but helpful remarks here. No need to get snarly!
Remember, all behaviour is communication - what is she trying to tell you?

SmarterThanTheAverageBear16 · 07/04/2016 10:20

You are getting support. And advice. What you aren't getting is meaningless poor you posts.

You are having a bad time. But from the sound of it, so is your daughter. And she is THREE, and you her mother is only thinking of her own feelings. Your tiny child is being awful to you because that is the atmosphere she is living in, and you call her a little shit and think she is doing it on purpose to make you cry.
It's not about you, its about her.

RudeElf · 07/04/2016 10:20

I'm nasty, why exactly?

"Thanks for being supportive asshole"

"She's being a little shit" (about your 3 year old daughter)

"What a nasty piece of work you are. Go get fucked"

"To any others, as i said in my OP, piss off"

^thats why.

hels71 · 07/04/2016 10:21

My DD was like that and still is sometimes even though she is now 8.
What I found is that more often than not it was either she did not like what I was asking her to do (It seems real kind mummys don't ask children to do their teeth or go to bed!), or something else was upsetting her and she just did not have the words to express how she was feeling any other way.

She has been really bad for the last week or so, then yesterday all her worries about school flooded out.

It used to upset me, but once I had realised it was not me as such that she was angry with, but other things I find it easier to cope with. Children often act out with parents because they know that it is safe as the parent will still love them I think.

I generally remain calm, state what is happening, and then ignore as much as possible, then am there for the inevitable tears and hugs needing.

(Having said that i did once hand her a bag when she said she was leaving and offered to pack!!)

formerbabe · 07/04/2016 10:21

My dc have said they hate me or I'm the worst mum ever...when I ask them to do unreasonable things like eat their dinner, do their homework, tidy up their toys etc. I usually reply by saying "well that's a shame because I really love you a lot". It makes them laugh and lightens the mood.

boobyooby · 07/04/2016 10:22

I'm reading it as today is just a day it is the final straw in a line of other stuff going on. Most of us can deal with a 3yr old being rude and trying to push boundaries but when there is other stuff going on sometimes it is just that final thing that pushes you over. I've got the tshirt (sometimes I think it's my hormones or just tired from work etc and makes everything magnify to seem worse but when your stuck in it you can't sort).

My new tactic is to kill with kindness and ignore the rude as such ie when she next says something horrid just reply with that isn't very nice to say ...... do you want to make some jam tarts now? Let her use some energy up to make a cake etc (just stirring some flour and make it messy with a bit of butter and let her crack and egg and pour in water then stir) tends to make them forget what why or how they were being horrid!
Hope the day gets better

Greyponcho · 07/04/2016 10:22

At that age she doesn't understand the gravitas of the words she's saying, to her, they're just words but these ones get a response... so she's persisting in using them in her game.
Is it worth asking her why she says that/why she feels like that? Maybe she says she hates you, but only because she cant find the words to express what the underlying issue...
Keep asking why why why until you get to the bottom of it - it could turn out to be something and nothing, then you can teach her how to express her feelings properly.
If she has no answer why, then you may to proceed down the 'that's not a nice thing to say' or 'well, I like you' route.
Don't suppose you're the one left to do all the discipline whilst your OH is the good cop?

gamerchick · 07/04/2016 10:23

Nobody is being nasty OP, it's how you're pecieving it, which is understandable if a little one is really getting to you.

You're going to get suggestions on how to cope because just venting probably won't help and people can see that.

ghostyslovesheep · 07/04/2016 10:23

reported - try harder next time Hmm

oh and small children model their behaviour on those around them

tilliebob · 07/04/2016 10:23

Here we go again. You can't decree how people respond only in your head Hmm. I'm not a perfect mother, mainly because such a thing doesn't exist, but I wouldn't be letting my 3 yo bully me to tears either Confused

MardyGrave · 07/04/2016 10:24

You come across as deeply unpleasant on here, and it's upset you that your three year old daughter has the person you are sussed out. Go take a look in the mirror op.

MizK · 07/04/2016 10:24

OP I get that you are lashing out at people who you perceive to be judging you. You are going too far by using that language towards people who want to help you.
Does this maybe give you a bit of insight into why your DD lashes out at you? If she is upset about something you are the nearest target and she gets to feel like she has some control- she knows what she says makes you react.
Please don't snap at people who are offering advice. Most people will have gone through similar shitty times. I highly doubt that anyone came on to give you a kicking.

BertmacklinFBI · 07/04/2016 10:25

Wow OP you actually aren't very nice.

The very tone of your posts are horrible and aggressive. You genuinely sound really unpleasant. Plus the people you are telling to " go get fucked " were trying to help!
They've given you advice? ?? Isn't that what you wanted? Or did you want " yeah your 3 year old sounds like a right little shit! ! Poor you hun! ".
Come on OP we all have bad days and stuff going on but if your attitude is like this shouldn't you be the one changing not your 3 year old !!!
Confused

hazeyjane · 07/04/2016 10:26

What happens when she says these things to you? What is your reaction?

guerre · 07/04/2016 10:27

Children need calm and stability, they need to know their parents are strong and there for them.
You said your life is v stressful atm, but you need to shield her from that. Her carer breaking down in tears is bloody scary for a three year old, and will make her anxious, unsure how to react, scared, etc- these will all mean she will lash out/act out more.
Calm, no-nonsense reactions from you will reassure her. She isnatbthe agr for testing boundaries, so she needs to know from you what your expectations of her behaviour are, and she needs to know the consequences for not meeting them, but that you love her, and forgive her when she pushes past them.
Calm and consistent is what you're aiming for. Break down and weep when she's asleep, by all means, but don't let her see that.

Original poster
SurroMummy13 · 07/04/2016 10:27

It doesn't usually upset me. But last 2 days I've been really stressed out.

Normally when she says stuff like that I tell her it's ok, you might not like me but I still love you.

Depending on what she says she either gets told off or the 'I still love you' thing.

But coupled with being stressed out in other ways and her behaving like this. It hurts.

And no. My oh is more of the 'I'll leave it to her to sort out'

I do everything for him and for our daughter. He rarely helps out at all.

OP posts:
ExtraHotLatteToGo · 07/04/2016 10:28

Yeah. Ya DD is a nasty little shit. Ur DP is a tosser. Fuck em both.

Is that what you wanted to hear?

Because good solid advice seems to be pissing you off?!

Your whole attitude is coming across as aggressive, shouty, nasty & hostile. It's hardly surprising your 3 year old is reacting the way she is. I'm surprised your DP has gone away and left her with you when you are like this.

MrsDeVere · 07/04/2016 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SurroMummy13 · 07/04/2016 10:29

Thanks Boobyooby

Today has been the final straw tbh. Thanks X

OP posts:
guerre · 07/04/2016 10:29

*she is at the age for testing boundaries, bloody phone.

scotsgirl64 · 07/04/2016 10:30

She is at the age when she isn't able to verbalise what she really means and could be unhappy as well and picking up that you are not happy. do you have anyone you can speak to to unload your frustration/ unhappiness to?

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