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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want dp to look after himself?

77 replies

PeppasNanna · 07/04/2016 00:44

Dp is massively over weight. I don't know by how much. His XXXL are now getting tight.

Im a size 10. None of the dc ate overweight.

We eat fairly well as a family. Hes lazy & eats take aways at any given opportunity. He also eats a ridiculous amount of chocolate.

His job is driving so sits all day. Does no exercise. Won't come out to the park or for a walk with the dc & I.

Hes a walking heart attack/stroke.

AIBU in expecting him to look after himself? 4 dc. Youngest is 2. Hes 48...

OP posts:
EverySongbirdSays · 07/04/2016 15:44

I'm overweight and in need of addressing it, though not massively stlll a size 18. The main problem is sugar (for me) pick whatever is his biggest weakness and eliminate just that. You could drop hints by buying things like the 5 : 2 book, the Paul McKenna book, getting him a pass to the leisure centre. Without saying "you're fat" just say try this?

TheNaze73 · 07/04/2016 16:21

He needs something to kick start him into action. Seriously hope it's nothing medical but, you need to say something.

MrsMook · 07/04/2016 16:56

It does need to come from him especially as you are already creating positive opportunities.

My dad had his first heart attack at 48. His lifestyle wasn't fantastic. He made a few gestures towards improving it like giving up smoking. Five years later he started getting chest pains again. My mum eventually managed to get him to go to the GP. He went to the GP but played his symptoms down. We never saw him again; he died of a massive heart attack that evening before he got home.

There is a limit to what others can do.

binkybonk · 07/04/2016 17:02

This is weird for me to read as I was/ am your husband in this scenario (very different situation and, I think, scale as at my largest I'm still uk 14-16 which I don't think is bad- but my husband is a sportsman Grin)
Anyway- for years I heard the 'helpful hints' and 'come and join me' and 'wouldn't it be just great if you could run this with me' and I was like 'eeuurgh' and picked up another creme egg...
Then recently he lost it, went ape shit mental about why would I treat my body like this, why didn't I want to enjoy life etcetc. I HATE to say it... But it lit the fire. I wailed and wept about how AWFUL he was and how I was def going to LTB, but then decided I could do this bloody thing and then leave him when I was thin Wink
I still didn't want to do anything his way because I am an awkward bastard but I found my own info and did The Whole 30 (amazing to get away from the whole 'food is a treat' thing, has daily emails which keep you fighting and really forces you to overhaul everything. I now do a moderated version of it) and joined a different gym with things I'm interested in and met cool people to help me on my journey. Lost 12kgs in two months and haven't put anything back on despite pregnancy and late second trimester miscarriage which was a pretty fucking big mental challenge to say the least.
Sorry, long post to say, maybe, just maybe, shouting therapy is required... But please don't blame me if it doesn't work Grin

PS our relationship is better than ever now x

SolidGoldBrass · 07/04/2016 17:07

The thing is being fat is not a crime. There's already a load of ridiculous diet bullshit on this thread - there is a huge 'diet' industry that is a con on the same level as all religions - a way of parting the stupid from their money. Paleo, 'clean' eating, detoxes, low-carbing - it's all a scam. Eating a bit less and moving a bit more will make you a bit thinner, but if you don't care, why should you?

Having someone constantly pecking and nagging and sighing and trying to police your every mouthful is no way to live. He doesn't want to buy into the bullshit that only thin bodies are valuable, so you can either put up with it or choose to leave. But it's his body and diet, not yours.

LauraMipsum · 07/04/2016 17:17

A lot of men regard "diet" things as women's stuff - and to an extent I can see they don't want to be the one man at a WW meeting, the one man eating SW foods, the one man at a yoga class etc.

If he likes his screens maybe point him towards Man v Fat: manvfat.com

KindDogsTail · 07/04/2016 17:21

being fat is not a crime.
No one said it was.

But being massively overweight means you are killing yourself and leaving your family behind.

magratsflyawayhair · 07/04/2016 17:24

When I said I'd leave earlier it's not because of the weight but the attitude. He is making a choice to resist changing and putting more pressure on his body than is sustainable. He is doing this to the detriment of his family and expecting them to live with it.

It's that he won't see the damage its doing to his family.

Change will be a long sow process, but I'd have respect for someone trying to make changes. I could t respect someone just letting themselves deteriorate at my expense for no good reason.

Original poster
PeppasNanna · 07/04/2016 17:26

Whoa!!! I never mentioned a diet, it was people posting. I've never 'dieted' in my 40odd years. I don't even know what 5:2 or 30 day thing is.

The reason i care Solid is that hes becoming more & more lithargic. We have 4 dc. I don't want him to get sick, have a stroke/heart attack/diabetes.

Yesterday he ate
Breakfast-2 fried egg sandwiches containing 4 eggs.
Lunch- A large fry up.
Dinner- pork casserole/veg/potatoes .
4 chocolate bars & 2 Easter eggs

He doesn't even consider that to be a 'big' eat day...

If i posted he was drinking or smoking & struggling to function would i get a different response.

Im not talking about going to the gym regularly more like go for a walk every day.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeppasNanna · 07/04/2016 17:30

Thanks for that link Laura.
Just had a quick look at it.

OP posts:
magratsflyawayhair · 07/04/2016 17:34

I think you have to do tough love. You seem to have no choice. I'd probably do positivity sandwich. E.g.

I love you, you're my husband, I want us to be happy and mostly I am.

But you aren't taking any concerns about your weight and health seriously and I can't stand by and watch you kill yourself. I won't do it. So you need to figure out how to make changes and do it.

I'll support you all the way whatever you need. You're such a good father and husband in every other way (assuming that's true).

findingmyfeet12 · 07/04/2016 17:53

Being fat it certainly not a crime. When you have a family however it is selfish in the extreme to not try to address it.

Original poster
PeppasNanna · 07/04/2016 18:04

If dp was overweight but walked/exercised regularly & had energy i wouldn't be so concerned.

He sits for hours, struggles to put his clothes on. Sweats just walking to the car. Never ever would he eat frit or veg. So its not just about being fat, its the whole unhealthy lifestyle.

OP posts:
suzannecaravaggio · 07/04/2016 18:04

I'm wondering if many people just think 'it wont happen to me' and dont address the issue until there is some kind of event, a heart attack, diabetes diagnosis etc?
by which time a certain amount of irreparable metabolic damage will have been done

Original poster
PeppasNanna · 07/04/2016 18:09

I think so. Eating is difficult as we all need to eat. But we dont need to smoke or drink so its unavoidable. Dp is in total denial about how bad his esting habits are!

OP posts:
CandyFlossBrain · 07/04/2016 18:57

The thing is, Solid, if you were the husband the OP was talking about, wouldn't you want to get heathier? Wouldn't you want your partner to be attracted to you, and to have energy to go out with your dc's? Being fat is giving him a crap life, and no, it's not a crime for that to continue, but it is a crying shame and a waste of a life really. Re-reading the OPs posts, this guy is not in line to be the posterboy for the body positivity movement. His lifestyle has made him so miserable he has to be medicated.

Ultimately OP, he's a grown man, not a child. If you do get into it with him, please tell him from me that it doesn't actually matter if he doesn't like vegetables. Who does?! Not everything that is good for you can taste like chocolate dipped marshmallows unfortunately. We eat nutritious food because we know it's good for us, and that's reason enough. He needs to grow up and start to take responsibility for his health.

And also, just as a recovering alcoholic walks into a supermarket to buy water and juice, but is still vividly aware of where the booze aisles are, I will always hear the pastries and pizzas calling out to me. But they are avoidable (except for when I make a deliberate decision to treat myself) and the aisles with healthy foods are fairly self-contained. I just know that I can't trust myself to go into the crisps/biscuits/chocolate aisles on a regular basis!

curren · 07/04/2016 19:44

The thing is being fat is not a crime.

no one said it was. And it's clear she isn't nagging him.

It's up to him if he wants to be overweight and not do much activity. However it's impacting his entire family and his marriage.

She wants him to be healthier. Not ripped. Not looking like a Greek god. Just healthier and more motivated.

It's the OPs choice if she doesn't want to stay with him because of it.

HeddaGarbled · 07/04/2016 21:15

Interesting about the GP prescribing anti-depressants though. He could be depressed. So he took them for 2 months and then stopped without going back to the GP? Time for a return visit, I think. He needs help, possibly counselling, possibly an appointment with an NHS dietician, probably both. A support group would be really useful if there is one locally. It sounds like you've done all you can - time for some professional intervention. Have you discussed any of this with him?

Original poster
PeppasNanna · 08/04/2016 15:23

Thankyou Hedda.
He thinks I'm being OTT.

Hwont do counselling or support groups. He never attended an antenatel class or an ASD appointment or course so i doubt hes going to go somewhere to talk about how fat he is!!

OP posts:
Pinkheart5915 · 08/04/2016 15:31

I don't think your unreasonable to expect him to take care of himself.
It sounds as if his current weight could cause health problems in the future and he should set a good example of eating habits to his children.

All you can do though is talk to his about it, he can only tackle his weight problem if he wants too.
He could start with little changes, taking healthy snacks to eat when his driving for work, making an effort to walk with you and dc.

Radicalrooster · 08/04/2016 17:59

Being very fat is not a crime. But, in general, and apart from the health issues, it makes you look minging.

curren · 08/04/2016 18:18

I think is attitude is the problem OP.

He may be depressed. But he is refusing to do anything to improve it. He is not engaging in family life.

The weight is just a symptom. Of the real problem. Which is him.

I have cared for a person with depression and suffered myself. It's awful. But if he is refusing help or at least trying, it becomes too much.

Have your told him how you feel about the way he is?

CatchIt · 08/04/2016 19:07

I have a friend who's do was like this. Not depressed, just greedy. Their dc's were older, but it still took 3 heart attacks for him to do anything about it. He's finally lost the weight and is pretty much unrecognisable now!

Good luck, I imagine that it's very hard for you Sad

HelsBels3000 · 08/04/2016 19:55

If he wants to eat a lot - he could do Slimming World. There's online plans if he feels self-conscious going to a group. The most massive amounts of pasta/potatoes/meat can be eaten all 'free' - in my experience men particularly seem to lose masses of weight on Slimming World. Worth a try. Even a small loss could motivate him to do more and before you know it a stone will be lost in a month, easily. He will reap the benefits in terms of his energy levels and the mental struggle too - its so hard to want it when its such a long road ahead. I can sympathise.

Dreamqueen · 08/04/2016 20:31

It is hard to convince others of the need to diet. i'm following a plan where no food is forbidden but you must have 3 meals a day (B, L D,) and 1 snack. every meal must be high in protein and green veg except for breakfast. the food is very filling and the fact that no food is banned makes it doable with a bit of tweaking.

being fat and eating is a downward spiral and is inwardly depressing with any idea how to stop it.

Maybe going back to basics & saying lets only eat 3 meals & only 1 snack might be a start. when you're very big., a big loss on the first week of any cutting down regime is usual. That might spur him on if he can do 1 week with you.

sorry for typos, good luck xx