AIBU to want dp to look after himself?

[PeppasNanna]

Dp is massively over weight. I don't know by how much. His XXXL are now getting tight.

Im a size 10. None of the dc ate overweight.

We eat fairly well as a family. Hes lazy & eats take aways at any given opportunity. He also eats a ridiculous amount of chocolate.

His job is driving so sits all day. Does no exercise. Won't come out to the park or for a walk with the dc & I.

Hes a walking heart attack/stroke.

AIBU in expecting him to look after himself? 4 dc. Youngest is 2. Hes 48...

[y0rkier0se]

I could've basically written your post. Don't get me wrong i'm hardly the image of fitness but i'm working on it - at slimming world, and i'm 13 stone so not massively massively overweight but I could certainly afford to lose a couple of stone. DP, on the other hand, will never be tiny as he's 6ft 4 and very broad shouldered, but he was 15 stone when I met him, wearing L/XL clothes and he was healthy at that weight. He's now pushing 22st, wearing XXL clothes, and he's just had to buy a new suit this week in a 44" trouser and a 52" jacket. He says he wants to lose weight and eats the same meals as me but his job involves sitting in an office all day and it's all the extras he puts in when we shop - crisps, chocolate etc. I respect him too much as an adult to tell him 'no you can't have them, put them back', and I don't want to be his mother, but it's really tough when you're worried about their health and the future. Nothing overly constructive to add but I feel you OP!

[ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay]

For me living with a dh who is so unhealthy would be a massive concern. Concern about the future and the effect on the kids. I would issue an ultimatum. Give him 3 months to make some changes. Not only changing his weight but his general attitude and laziness. A kick up the arse might be what he needs to re-focus.

[Dreamqueen]

It is hard to convince others of the need to diet. i'm following a plan where no food is forbidden but you must have 3 meals a day (B, L D,) and 1 snack. every meal must be high in protein and green veg except for breakfast. the food is very filling and the fact that no food is banned makes it doable with a bit of tweaking.

being fat and eating is a downward spiral and is inwardly depressing with any idea how to stop it.

Maybe going back to basics & saying lets only eat 3 meals & only 1 snack might be a start. when you're very big., a big loss on the first week of any cutting down regime is usual. That might spur him on if he can do 1 week with you.

sorry for typos, good luck xx

[HelsBels3000]

If he wants to eat a lot - he could do Slimming World. There's online plans if he feels self-conscious going to a group. The most massive amounts of pasta/potatoes/meat can be eaten all 'free' - in my experience men particularly seem to lose masses of weight on Slimming World. Worth a try. Even a small loss could motivate him to do more and before you know it a stone will be lost in a month, easily. He will reap the benefits in terms of his energy levels and the mental struggle too - its so hard to want it when its such a long road ahead. I can sympathise.

[CatchIt]

I have a friend who's do was like this. Not depressed, just greedy. Their dc's were older, but it still took 3 heart attacks for him to do anything about it. He's finally lost the weight and is pretty much unrecognisable now!

Good luck, I imagine that it's very hard for you

[curren]

I think is attitude is the problem OP.

He may be depressed. But he is refusing to do anything to improve it. He is not engaging in family life.

The weight is just a symptom. Of the real problem. Which is him.

I have cared for a person with depression and suffered myself. It's awful. But if he is refusing help or at least trying, it becomes too much.

Have your told him how you feel about the way he is?

[Radicalrooster]

Being very fat is not a crime. But, in general, and apart from the health issues, it makes you look minging.

[Pinkheart5915]

I don't think your unreasonable to expect him to take care of himself.
It sounds as if his current weight could cause health problems in the future and he should set a good example of eating habits to his children.

All you can do though is talk to his about it, he can only tackle his weight problem if he wants too.
He could start with little changes, taking healthy snacks to eat when his driving for work, making an effort to walk with you and dc.

[PeppasNanna]

Thankyou Hedda.
He thinks I'm being OTT.

Hwont do counselling or support groups. He never attended an antenatel class or an ASD appointment or course so i doubt hes going to go somewhere to talk about how fat he is!!

[HeddaGarbled]

Interesting about the GP prescribing anti-depressants though. He could be depressed. So he took them for 2 months and then stopped without going back to the GP? Time for a return visit, I think. He needs help, possibly counselling, possibly an appointment with an NHS dietician, probably both. A support group would be really useful if there is one locally. It sounds like you've done all you can - time for some professional intervention. Have you discussed any of this with him?

[curren]

The thing is being fat is not a crime.

no one said it was. And it's clear she isn't nagging him.

It's up to him if he wants to be overweight and not do much activity. However it's impacting his entire family and his marriage.

She wants him to be healthier. Not ripped. Not looking like a Greek god. Just healthier and more motivated.

It's the OPs choice if she doesn't want to stay with him because of it.

[CandyFlossBrain]

The thing is, Solid, if you were the husband the OP was talking about, wouldn't you want to get heathier? Wouldn't you want your partner to be attracted to you, and to have energy to go out with your dc's? Being fat is giving him a crap life, and no, it's not a crime for that to continue, but it is a crying shame and a waste of a life really. Re-reading the OPs posts, this guy is not in line to be the posterboy for the body positivity movement. His lifestyle has made him so miserable he has to be medicated.

Ultimately OP, he's a grown man, not a child. If you do get into it with him, please tell him from me that it doesn't actually matter if he doesn't like vegetables. Who does?! Not everything that is good for you can taste like chocolate dipped marshmallows unfortunately. We eat nutritious food because we know it's good for us, and that's reason enough. He needs to grow up and start to take responsibility for his health.

And also, just as a recovering alcoholic walks into a supermarket to buy water and juice, but is still vividly aware of where the booze aisles are, I will always hear the pastries and pizzas calling out to me. But they are avoidable (except for when I make a deliberate decision to treat myself) and the aisles with healthy foods are fairly self-contained. I just know that I can't trust myself to go into the crisps/biscuits/chocolate aisles on a regular basis!

[PeppasNanna]

I think so. Eating is difficult as we all need to eat. But we dont need to smoke or drink so its unavoidable. Dp is in total denial about how bad his esting habits are!

[suzannecaravaggio]

I'm wondering if many people just think 'it wont happen to me' and dont address the issue until there is some kind of event, a heart attack, diabetes diagnosis etc?
by which time a certain amount of irreparable metabolic damage will have been done

[PeppasNanna]

If dp was overweight but walked/exercised regularly & had energy i wouldn't be so concerned.

He sits for hours, struggles to put his clothes on. Sweats just walking to the car. Never ever would he eat frit or veg. So its not just about being fat, its the whole unhealthy lifestyle.

[findingmyfeet12]

Being fat it certainly not a crime. When you have a family however it is selfish in the extreme to not try to address it.

[magratsflyawayhair]

I think you have to do tough love. You seem to have no choice. I'd probably do positivity sandwich. E.g.

I love you, you're my husband, I want us to be happy and mostly I am.

But you aren't taking any concerns about your weight and health seriously and I can't stand by and watch you kill yourself. I won't do it. So you need to figure out how to make changes and do it.

I'll support you all the way whatever you need. You're such a good father and husband in every other way (assuming that's true).

[PeppasNanna]

Thanks for that link Laura.
Just had a quick look at it.

[PeppasNanna]

Whoa!!! I never mentioned a diet, it was people posting. I've never 'dieted' in my 40odd years. I don't even know what 5:2 or 30 day thing is.

The reason i care Solid is that hes becoming more & more lithargic. We have 4 dc. I don't want him to get sick, have a stroke/heart attack/diabetes.

Yesterday he ate
Breakfast-2 fried egg sandwiches containing 4 eggs.
Lunch- A large fry up.
Dinner- pork casserole/veg/potatoes .
4 chocolate bars & 2 Easter eggs

He doesn't even consider that to be a 'big' eat day...

If i posted he was drinking or smoking & struggling to function would i get a different response.

Im not talking about going to the gym regularly more like go for a walk every day.

[magratsflyawayhair]

When I said I'd leave earlier it's not because of the weight but the attitude. He is making a choice to resist changing and putting more pressure on his body than is sustainable. He is doing this to the detriment of his family and expecting them to live with it.

It's that he won't see the damage its doing to his family.

Change will be a long sow process, but I'd have respect for someone trying to make changes. I could t respect someone just letting themselves deteriorate at my expense for no good reason.

[KindDogsTail]

being fat is not a crime.
No one said it was.

But being massively overweight means you are killing yourself and leaving your family behind.

[LauraMipsum]

A lot of men regard "diet" things as women's stuff - and to an extent I can see they don't want to be the one man at a WW meeting, the one man eating SW foods, the one man at a yoga class etc.

If he likes his screens maybe point him towards Man v Fat: manvfat.com

[SolidGoldBrass]

The thing is being fat is not a crime. There's already a load of ridiculous diet bullshit on this thread - there is a huge 'diet' industry that is a con on the same level as all religions - a way of parting the stupid from their money. Paleo, 'clean' eating, detoxes, low-carbing - it's all a scam. Eating a bit less and moving a bit more will make you a bit thinner, but if you don't care, why should you?

Having someone constantly pecking and nagging and sighing and trying to police your every mouthful is no way to live. He doesn't want to buy into the bullshit that only thin bodies are valuable, so you can either put up with it or choose to leave. But it's his body and diet, not yours.

[binkybonk]

This is weird for me to read as I was/ am your husband in this scenario (very different situation and, I think, scale as at my largest I'm still uk 14-16 which I don't think is bad- but my husband is a sportsman )
Anyway- for years I heard the 'helpful hints' and 'come and join me' and 'wouldn't it be just great if you could run this with me' and I was like 'eeuurgh' and picked up another creme egg...
Then recently he lost it, went ape shit mental about why would I treat my body like this, why didn't I want to enjoy life etcetc. I HATE to say it... But it lit the fire. I wailed and wept about how AWFUL he was and how I was def going to LTB, but then decided I could do this bloody thing and then leave him when I was thin
I still didn't want to do anything his way because I am an awkward bastard but I found my own info and did The Whole 30 (amazing to get away from the whole 'food is a treat' thing, has daily emails which keep you fighting and really forces you to overhaul everything. I now do a moderated version of it) and joined a different gym with things I'm interested in and met cool people to help me on my journey. Lost 12kgs in two months and haven't put anything back on despite pregnancy and late second trimester miscarriage which was a pretty fucking big mental challenge to say the least.
Sorry, long post to say, maybe, just maybe, shouting therapy is required... But please don't blame me if it doesn't work

PS our relationship is better than ever now x

[MrsMook]

It does need to come from him especially as you are already creating positive opportunities.

My dad had his first heart attack at 48. His lifestyle wasn't fantastic. He made a few gestures towards improving it like giving up smoking. Five years later he started getting chest pains again. My mum eventually managed to get him to go to the GP. He went to the GP but played his symptoms down. We never saw him again; he died of a massive heart attack that evening before he got home.

There is a limit to what others can do.