AIBU to want dp to look after himself?

[PeppasNanna]

Dp is massively over weight. I don't know by how much. His XXXL are now getting tight.

Im a size 10. None of the dc ate overweight.

We eat fairly well as a family. Hes lazy & eats take aways at any given opportunity. He also eats a ridiculous amount of chocolate.

His job is driving so sits all day. Does no exercise. Won't come out to the park or for a walk with the dc & I.

Hes a walking heart attack/stroke.

AIBU in expecting him to look after himself? 4 dc. Youngest is 2. Hes 48...

[Janecc]

Glad you want to do something about it. My uncle ended up on life support twice because of his chain smoking and diet. He died unfortunately. I don't know how much time you have to make more food to take with him but I would say it's a case of crowding out the crap. If he doesn't want to do anything about it, it will be in your hands if you want to change things. Hopefully if he feels better for slimming, he will choose to continue. Does he like homemade cake? You could make a lower sugar cake. DD loves a banana/fruit loaf cake. I sneakily add a bit of cooked courgette/beetroot then cocoa powder to hide the veg - I use gluten free flour for me and substitute a fifth to a quarter of the flour for flax seeds. I add extra baking powder to compensate. I would try to stick to a paleo style diet if he likes meat. A bit like Atkins but not so extreme. You can substitute rice for cauliflower rice DH loves it and there is quinoa - rinse very well for a couple of minutes under running water otherwise apparently it's very bitter. DH hates it I think it's ok. DH wolfs down cauliflower pizza. A lot of work. I make DD low carb pancakes - one egg, a bit of flour, some ground almonds and milk. You can also add flax seeds as well. I melt a chunk of dark chocolate at the end and add maple syrup at the end. Not perfect but bette than donuts Or try banana pancakes. There's loads of info online. Hope this helps.

[SeaCabbage]

I think it's time to be a bit more blunt. He's not facing up to things at the moment.

[suzannecaravaggio]

if he doesn't want to do anything about it, it will be in your hands if you want to change things
Noooo
Its not the ops fault, if he won't help himself nothing she does will make any difference

[suzannecaravaggio]

If you have to be responsible for every thing he eats then he's just getting you trained up for being his full time carer when he's too fat to leave the house!

[findingmyfeet12]

Op I feel really bad for you. If there are no mental health issues then I'm afraid he's extremely selfish and lazy.

It doesn't sound as though he plays physical, rough and tumble games with your children so they are missing out on that too.

My dh had a terrible diet when we met and still would if I didn't nag . We're expecting our first dc now as older parents and he's really trying to improve his health. I don't think I could be with someone who let their physical health and mobility slide due to laziness.

I'm sorry I can only sympathise but have no advice to offer.

[magratsflyawayhair]

I would find this very difficult to cope with. It's not so much about the weight as much as the fact that the implication is a lack of respect for both himself and his family. Having issues but facing them and trying to make changes is one thing, a lack of motivation in life would be intolerable for me.

Has he engaged with the doctors about depression? If that is the root cause he needs to work on that before he can do anything else. If he refuses to do anything at all I don't think I could stay and watch.

It's so tough when someone you love can't or won't help themselves. Does he know he's slowly pushing you further out of the door?

[suzannecaravaggio]

A frank discussion about exactly what'll happen if he doesn't change his ways and then he can make up his mind what he wants to do

[findingmyfeet12]

I can't believe you've been so gentle with his feelings so far op. I would have used pretty strong words well before now.

[Kidnapped]

OP, what is his own family like? If they tend to sit around the TV or computer all day then maybe his habits are a bit ingrained? Maybe he unconsciously thinks that is what people just do. Not that this is an excuse of course.

I think you've tried the subtle approach. Didn't work. I think you need to be more blunt and tell him that his weight is killing him, and him not addressing it will kill your love for him eventually.

[getyourfingeroutyournose]

I do cope with this. My partner is in 6xl tops and we only recently had to start buying off the net for his shirts. (found up to 5xl in sports direct and bought 6xl off sports direct site). He's not perfect but it's not his weight or size that makes him a bad person.

It sounds to me like most people here would be happy with a LTB verdict because he's a chunk. Yep, he has terrible views on food and exercise but what else is he doing to lose your respect? Is it just this? It took me ages to pluck up the courage to say to my partner "You're putting on a lot of weight and I really really couldn't cope if you died". It didn't help that a friend had a heart attack aged 23 for a similar reason.

He still hasn't gone to the gym but he says it's because he doesn't want to leave me on my own. We have time constraints around work etc that leave us with very little time together as a couple. I personally would like to get child care and go to the gym with him but money is short and he needs the gym more than me right now.

I started the conversation by talking to a nurse at my GP without him. I didn't know how to approach the issue and she gave me some excellent advice.
We went from there. We're still working on it but it's a start. Maybe you could talk to your GP yourself. If they realise the stress it puts you under they will help.

[BabyGanoush]

It's hard OP, essentially you can't do much about it.

It's his choice really

[KindDogsTail]

ADs about 2 months.
Generally GPs know little about nutrition or any kind of food problems/eating disorders.

ADs even make some people put on more weight - just not feel too depressed about it.

He may have a form of eating disorder.

Some foods cause even more cravings for food so can be a vicious circle.

There various books to help with people feeling hungry all the time. Following one of those might help him, and he could check along with a GP. CBT for eating disorders might help too.

One example of a book to use with GP's additional guidance or help might be
theappetitesolutionbook.com/the-book/

There are all sorts of books about eating too much sugar.

If he has the eating disorder 'binge eating' there is a book to help by Fairburn.

There are also nutritional supplements a GP would be unlikely to mention that can help a bit against sugar cravings too. There are articles your husband could find. find about this.

[PeppasNanna]

We have different GPs.

Hes lazy, thats why im losing respect for him.

He dits on his arse for hours & hours. He never takes the boys out to the park, swimming or cycling.

Hes too big to decorate. His back is wrecked. He might as well be 90.

His mum was incredibly active when she was alive. She used to tell him to get up & move! It was just the 2 of them when dp was growing up. His dad is active though he only sees him once or twice a year.

Its not my responsibility to make him healthy. If we were a fat family then, yes i would be to blame.

Its feels like im going round in circles...

[findingmyfeet12]

PeppasNanna there is only so much you can do at home. He's not going to stop eating junk at work unless he wants to.

I can totally understand your frustration. He doesn't value or respect his family enough to want to be more of a physical asset to them. I feel the same about people who are too lazy to earn enough for their families.

[TheSolitaryWanderer]

Nothing much you can do if he won't take any suggestions on board.
He's an adult, making selfish adult decisions and deflecting criticism onto you.
Except get the maximum life insurance you can on him and wait a while.

[Janecc]

Suzanne. Sorry did you read the bit where I said my uncle died? Maybe I wasn't clear: because he and his wife did nothing. He died. Obviously it isn't ops responsibility. And if he continues to put on the weight she will possibly be his carer anyway and ultimately a widow. Sometimes we need to help others to help themselves. It's really unhelpful to cherry pick information in such a negative way.

[WorraLiberty]

Suzanne is right though.

Sadly, you can't force help upon someone if they refuse it.

She can encourage him to get on board with it, but ultimately he has to want to. If he continues to order himself takeaways/buy himself chocolate and refuses to get out and exercise, there really is nothing the OP can do to force him.

[Janecc]

Worra. I totally agree and if neither party does something nothing will change. Were I in her shoes I would do something and hope her DH gets on board. Mine was the "I've made this for you my lovely" approach. It is of course totally not her responsibility to do this. My DH asks me to help him when he wants to lose weight and because men have such different metablisms to women, the weight falls off him.

[CandyFlossBrain]

The OP says they eat healthily at home, she even makes his lunch for him, yet he gorges on fry-ups and doughnuts while he's out. She can't hold his hand through life 24/7.

I think she doesn't need to be making secret cauliflower pizzas, she needs to be brutal with him about what his weight is doing to their marriage and family. Him cracking jokes about 'working it off in the bedroom' suggests he's oblivious to the OPs feelings about his weight. He sounds very lazy, and if the threat of losing his marriage doesn't make him get off his arse, nothing will.

[BillSykesDog]

Anti-depressants can cause terrible weight gain and a raging appetite.

[CandyFlossBrain]

I just wanted to come back and say that I can understand it's difficult to make the choice to change. I used to be very fat. And I'm a single parent so was even more selfish than your DH. It took a serious health scare for me to change.

My starting point, and it may work for your DH too, was to commit to half a plate of vegetables with lunch and dinner every day. Veg like spinach and broccoli. On days when I badly wanted to eat junk, I would make myself eat the veggies first. They fill you up, they're practically calorie free and have a lot of health benefits. I also started eating porridge for breakfast because it's very filling. Filling yourself up with 'good' food means you're less likely to crave junk when you get hungry. A really good book, though it does kind of push veganism which might turn some off, is 'How Not to Die'. There's a lot of information in there about the health benefits of veg, fruit, beans, etc. You could ask him to read it. The title itself is a pretty big hint...

[PeppasNanna]

Janecc what do you suggest?

I ask him to come out with the dc& I. Invite him along when we go swimming/walking/cycling. Bought him

Cook from scratch. No processed food most days. Make healthy biscuits/cakes etc.

What else can i actually do? Pump his stomach of a night? Seriously? Hes an adult that chooses to eat crap. I used to ear crap & smoke. I do neither as I am a parent. I do not want to end up a fat middle aged women. I love KFC/McD/fry ups but haven't eaten them for years...my choice just like dp chooses to...

[PeppasNanna]

Sorry for typos... rushing!

I bought him a £400 mountain bike & gym membership but hes never used them. Not once.

Candy i will look into that book. Thanks.

[suzannecaravaggio]

What else can i actually do
perhaps dont even feel it is your responsibility to do anything other than point out to him the extent of the problem, unless he accepts that there is a problem and wants to do something about it then (from what you say) nothing will change.

If you carry on trying this and that, you'll likely just get more frustrated and it sort of becomes your problem

you cant make him care about it

[curren]

I think you need to tell him straight.

Don't say your a fat lazy bastard. But don't be too tactful.

The way this is going, you will end up leaving. I think it would be better to lay your cards on the table then it's in his hands. No hints, no asking him to come for a walk. Tell him.

He is opting out of family life. I have depression. I can't just ignore doing things with the kids. I have a responsibility to do what I can to keep myself well or get myself well. Some days it's harder than others. But it's not an excuse to just Do nothing and expect everyone else to be ok with it.

You can't change him. But you can decides what you can live with. And if he isn't what you can live with, you will end up leaving. Personally I would rather have the talk, before leaving.