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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make my dd get the train?

122 replies

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 06/04/2016 23:48

My eldest dd is 11 (12 in July). She has EOW contact with her dad who lives over 2 hours drive away. We usually meet in the middle, so about an hour's drive each (then the same back home again).

This is a bit problematic for me, as I have a 5 year old dd who has a different father who she is NC with, so I have to drag her along on the Friday/Sunday drop offs and pick ups, so that's a total of 4 hours sitting in the car which she moans about a lot, and it can be very stressful. I am also a single parent and a full time student, and Friday is my long day at uni, so by the time I get home I'm shattered, and the last thing I feel like doing is driving for another 2 hours.

So...I just had what I thought was a genius idea. I looked at train times and she'd be able to get a direct train from very close to where we live, to about 25 mins from where her dad lives, and it takes 36 minutes! So her total travelling time would be an hour, and it would make both mine and her dad's lives a lot easier.

But...she has aspergers and is painfully shy. She would never be able to pay for her own stuff in a shop or anything. She has massive issues around talking to people she doesn't know. I've explained to her that I would go with her the first time to show her what to do, and if she felt ok about it and did it on her own I would of course get her onto the train, and her dad would be waiting for her on the platform at the other end. All she'd have to do inbetween is sit on her phone with her headphones on, and the only person likely to make contact with her would be the ticket inspector.

She is having NONE of it though Grin. She said she's not brave enough, and is too scared of people. I think that, apart from the reasons listed above, it would be really good for her confidence, and aspergers or not, she lives in the world we live in and needs to start finding a little bit of independence now she is at secondary school.

So AIBU to keep pushing the idea, or should I drop it and leave it until she's older?

OP posts:
araiba · 07/04/2016 10:42

an 11 year old with aspergers on her own? i'm not sure if thats a great idea

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 07/04/2016 11:31

No way!

AliceInUnderpants · 07/04/2016 11:38

It really doesn't matter how much easier it would make your life, or how she should be able to do it etc etc. The fact is that she isn't comfortable with it. You can't force her to do something she isn't comfortable with - is that not what we teach our daughters?

mouldycheesefan · 07/04/2016 11:42

Still confused as to how ex is 2 hour drive away but it's only 35 mins on train

zipzap · 07/04/2016 11:44

Has she got a mobile phone?
If she could have a cheap mobile then the first couple of times that she's doing it you and/or your ex could talk to her for some of the journey to check she is OK, remind her it's nearly time to get off, her dad to say where on the platform he is and so on, which would help to make it less scary. And depending what network you're with, you may well get free minutes to a phone on the same network so if she wanted to talk the entire journey it wouldn't be mega expensive!

Also, if you do the journey with her a few times together first, you can pick out some landmarks (the sainsburys car park, the other station, the funny tree, the house with the orange curtains and so on) so that she can start to recognise her journey and whereabouts she is on the journey. Then if you're talking to her, and she says that she's just seen xx or yy you'll both know whereabouts she is, if the train is keeping to time and so on. Particularly important are two or three in the run up to the station she needs to get off at (with the proviso that if she is on the train she might miss them so still needs to get ready to get off!). But it will also give her something to look out of the window for and to do when she is on the train, rather than just sitting there or getting lost in a book.

Plus if she does have a phone then you can set alarms on it to remind her she is nearly at her stop.

Mistigri · 07/04/2016 11:54

Still confused as to how ex is 2 hour drive away but it's only 35 mins on train

(35 mins train + 25 mins in the car, per the OP)

Why is this confusing? The train is often much quicker than driving, especially if it's an express service and the road alternative is on congested and/or speed limited roads.

mouldycheesefan · 07/04/2016 12:02

No, the op says it is a two hour drive each way to the ex. She says that in the first sentence of her op.
Even if a train went at 80 miles an hour and a car at 40 it doesn't make sense.

AliceInUnderpants · 07/04/2016 12:07

moudly you really can't see that different travel options take different times. Maybe the train takes a different route than the car, as the crow flies so to speak?

Mistigri · 07/04/2016 12:10

mouldy have you never taken a train? It's about 3 hours from central London to my mum's. Fastest train route is 1h15.

mouldycheesefan · 07/04/2016 12:12

Yes so that is a third of the journey time. But 35 mins compared to two hours? 25% of the journey time? Really?

FunkyPeacock · 07/04/2016 12:18

It doesn't sound like she is ready yet but I wouldn't give up on the idea entirely as a future solution

My DS (11) who has no SEN would probably not want to do this but my DD (13) would be absolutely fine with it.

If you make a point of using trains with your DD over the next 12 months or so then I think it is reasonable to hope that she will feel confident to do this in 1-2 years but I don't think it would be reasonable to force it on her when she isn't ready

AliceInUnderpants · 07/04/2016 12:19

The train option isn't 35 minutes - it's 35 minute by train, followed by a further 25 minutes (by car I assume).

That makes the car option 1hr 35 minutes to the same point that the train would get them. So 35 min train journey is approx a third of car time.

Original poster
Littlefluffyclouds81 · 07/04/2016 12:51

If she got the train it would be a 10 minute drive for me to the station, 36 minutes on the train, then 25 minute drive for her dad. It's on a main line so a fast train which goes in a straight line, whereas the driving route is a lot more indirect.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlefluffyclouds81 · 07/04/2016 12:58

I just spoke to her dad, and his initial reaction was 'no way, she's too young', as I thought it would be. But I explained my logic and that I'd be happy to do it with her as many times as necessary until she felt happy about it, and he agreed it was a good idea. He agreed with me that we do need to start pushing her a little bit to be more confident. If it was up to her she would spend her whole life in her bedroom and never speak to anyone, which I realise is how she is comfortable but I don't think it's good for her.

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 07/04/2016 13:02

36 mins at that hour is pretty manageable, start taking the train and see how it goes. I know little beyond common stereotypes about Aspergers but doing the run yourself a few times might also flag up potential risk areas for her.

Does she ever take a non-aspergers friend with her to her Dad's?

Natsku · 07/04/2016 13:09

Excellent idea, and also good idea to put no pressure and just make the trip with her until she feels comfortable enough to do it by herself. I plan on doing something similar with my DD, she's 5 now but I'm hoping by about 8 or 9 she'll be ready to go on the long distance bus to the half way point to her dad's and he can pick her up from the station there.

HPsauciness · 07/04/2016 13:12

This is a difficult one.

My 12 year old goes on public transport by herself, she has to unless she wants to walk 30 min on a rainy day, so she takes a bus.

Having said that, bad or unexpected things do happen when you go in public places, and I don't think you can realistically say that only the ticket inspector will speak with her. My dd has had people she doesn't know approach her and ask for her social media details in town recently, and she and her friend handled it well, but they did feel uncomfortable. On a train, people may ask you to move to sit down, move your luggage, if someone drunk starts speaking to you you have to have a plan of what to do. She also got caught up in an incident where the police were involved, she was just a bystander, but it meant she couldn't get to the usual bus and it was stressful.

I think it's naive to think nothing ever happens in public, just as it is naive to think bad things always happen in public. I think actually readiness to be flexible and work around the unexpected are more important than the age, and this sounds like something your dd would struggle with.

I would start towards things like: going in the local shop and paying for milk (so no actual speaking required), build towards asking for things, then going into town by herself for 10 min and so forth.

I wouldn't send a child who had done none of these things and had no street experience whatsoever on a public train.

Dixiechickonhols · 07/04/2016 13:23

My concern would be how she would cope if something went wrong eg missed stop, group of lads verbally teasing her, man making inappropriate comments, ticket inspector accusing her of having wrong ticket eg disbelieving she was a child. You can talk through what if scenarios and show her where to go for help. Could she carry a card explaining she has autism/ contact details just in case something happens and she can't articulate.

BarbarianMum · 07/04/2016 14:30

I think it is a great idea - as a long term goal. Maybe start by taking her on the train so she gets used to travelling with you, then maybe accompany her but in another carriage, then half/three quarters of the way, so she gets used to completing the journey by herself. Build up to a lone journey - talk about what to do if the train is delayed on route (just sit there, dad will be at the other end), how she'll know it's her stop etc

ivykaty44 · 07/04/2016 14:40

I think it's fine for a 12 to be put on a train at one station and her father to collect her at the station at the other end.

I think trying it a couple of times with your DD would be the way to go if she needs reassurance - don't sit with her, leave her to realise she will be fine on her own.

Could your other dc go for a sleep over with a friend or relative for one of the trips to make the hour long wait more bearable ( ID take a book to read)

zad716 · 07/04/2016 14:52

Might be worth looking for friendly looking regulars (bound to be some people making the same journey every week at the same time) and try to sit near them. May make the journey less scary when she finally does it on her own if she is sitting near people she has seen many times before.

Topseyt · 07/04/2016 15:22

Was the "12 is a baby" comment tongue in cheek? If not then it is ridiculous.

I think it sounds like a good idea. In the end there is only one way to get her used to the train journey and that is to start doing it. Do it with her indefinitely, and eventually she will hopefully agree to do it on her own.

queenoftheworld93 · 07/04/2016 15:31

My 13yo brother has aspergers and there's no way we'd expect him to get a train (or bus) alone. But every child is different. My friend in her early twenties also has aspergers and she wouldn't do it even now.

Balletgirlmum · 07/04/2016 15:31

Ds's Ed psych was very insistent that we must baby him

Balletgirlmum · 07/04/2016 15:32

Mustn't baby him.

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