To make my dd get the train?

[Littlefluffyclouds81]

My eldest dd is 11 (12 in July). She has EOW contact with her dad who lives over 2 hours drive away. We usually meet in the middle, so about an hour's drive each (then the same back home again).

This is a bit problematic for me, as I have a 5 year old dd who has a different father who she is NC with, so I have to drag her along on the Friday/Sunday drop offs and pick ups, so that's a total of 4 hours sitting in the car which she moans about a lot, and it can be very stressful. I am also a single parent and a full time student, and Friday is my long day at uni, so by the time I get home I'm shattered, and the last thing I feel like doing is driving for another 2 hours.

So...I just had what I thought was a genius idea. I looked at train times and she'd be able to get a direct train from very close to where we live, to about 25 mins from where her dad lives, and it takes 36 minutes! So her total travelling time would be an hour, and it would make both mine and her dad's lives a lot easier.

But...she has aspergers and is painfully shy. She would never be able to pay for her own stuff in a shop or anything. She has massive issues around talking to people she doesn't know. I've explained to her that I would go with her the first time to show her what to do, and if she felt ok about it and did it on her own I would of course get her onto the train, and her dad would be waiting for her on the platform at the other end. All she'd have to do inbetween is sit on her phone with her headphones on, and the only person likely to make contact with her would be the ticket inspector.

She is having NONE of it though . She said she's not brave enough, and is too scared of people. I think that, apart from the reasons listed above, it would be really good for her confidence, and aspergers or not, she lives in the world we live in and needs to start finding a little bit of independence now she is at secondary school.

So AIBU to keep pushing the idea, or should I drop it and leave it until she's older?

FWIW our recently turned 12 year old has done train journeys by himself. Also 30 minutes direct train worth. He was really stressed the first time he did it but he had his phone and dh and I were also in contact (texts so he could call if he needed to). Next time didn't phase him at all - happy to walk to station, zap his card himself etc....
For context he's learnt to catch two buses to school by himself this year, but is also quite scatty / daydreamy....

My 14 year old dd with aspergers would not be able to do this trip -but she would have done at 12

As she's going through her teenage years her anxiety about social situations is getting worse -I think because she knows people expect more from her and 'shyness' is no longer cute

She couldn't cope with the possibility of a stranger talking to her, and now she looks more grown up than her age, that's a distinct possibility

If she has a phone, then the OP can always pick her up if something goes wrong.

My son, who also has Asperger's, didn't go on a train on his own until he was 18 and at university-simply because the anxiety was too much for him until he HAD to do it ( he really struggles with anything new and the thought of asking for help if anything went wrong was terrifying for him) He now travels across country ( with a couple of changes of train) without too much difficulty!

Perhaps we should have started earlier but without the need to use a train he simply wouldn't! Your daughter may be similar , all you can really do is try it out and see how she copes!

I've not read the full thread but I think 11 is too young.

I wouldn't even do it with my 13 year old. Mainly because the train service is simply not reliable enough and what happens if they terminate a service and turf everyone off the train? I've been told by someone in the rail industry that this really doesn't happen that often. They clearly don't work for South West Trains. But maybe this genuinely never happens on your line.

Yes ok they can call you for help (assuming there is a mobile signal) but it's not great. I've thought about putting my son on the train and getting my mum to collect him at the other end when he is visiting her during the holidays, but it's the fear of the train being terminated that stops me doing it.

That said, the journey to my mum's is 2 hours, I might well do it if it was only 25 minutes because I could drive over to "rescue" him if needsbe. I also think it's different travelling to school because they're likely to be with a group of other kids, including older ones, so they can get together if there is a problem.

I think this is fine for an 11yo, all other things being equal - only you know the effect of the Asperger's on this. Although I think some NT kids might also initially be reluctant for similar reasons and ned a gentle push out of their comfort zones eventually.

The Fri evening thing might worry me a little bit, which is why I'd want to do the trip with her to check out the general scenario wrt passenger behaviour etc.

No definitely not.
Situations like train delays, rerouted, cancellations etc can be stressful for adults let along a kid with additional needs. Unfortunately on trains these situations do arise and it doesn't sound like your dd could cope.

My DDs got the train regulated fromaged 15 on their own. They are now both at uni so get the train home frequently. However the number of cancellations, breakdowns, signal failures, etc etc means there is no way I'd let a shy 12 year old get the train on their own.

If the train was to run without any issues or delays then fine, but British trains aren't like that!

Yes I have Been stranded due to train issues many times or they replace the train with a bus etc etc or they say the train terminates here today due to leaves on the line etc and turf you off to find your own route. This is not a 20 min journey it's a long journey.
I do feel sorry for this child being made to contend with this.
Tell ex he has to do all the travelling if it's too much for you.

Me too mouldy as you say it's stressful enough for an adult never mind a not very confident 12 year old.

Mine use this on the rare occasion they are out and about without me

If I were going to do it, I'd do it on the Saturday morning because Friday nights can be a bit rowdy on the trains. If your DD's Dad doesn't like it, he can pick her up from your house.

I think the issue here is that the child has said that they do not feel confident to do it. What if the train does turf her off, or there is a drunk annoying her, or a lechy person, or a crowd of noisy people, or she can't get a seat, or the train is diverted, or late, or cancelled, or swapped for a bus, etc etc etc. Too many variables. Yes six year olds may get the train alone in some countries, but trains in uk are challenging even for seasoned commuters. A child who has said they are not confident , who has special needs and is very shy shouldn't be made to go in a long train journey that would take two hours by themselves.

It will not be just about the journey there are lots and lots of feelings about going on contact too that are almost certainly playing into this to do not underestimate them.

I was doing a 40-60 minute journey by train regularly when I was 12+ with a changeover, I would have been fine doing it sooner and would have had to have done if I got into the high school I applied for originally. But I didn't/don't have aspergers and only you know how that works for your daughter.

She'll likely be fine once she's confident about the journey, do it with her for a little while and get ex to do the way back again. If you have too gradually draw back to help, so (if you're allowed without a ticket) get her onto the train, be on the platform until it leaves. Then drop her at the gate if she can still see you as she gets on the train. Give her lots of things to distract herself if she gets worried and maybe some snacks. Maybe buy her a magazine/comic/puzzle book she really wants or something each time as a token bribe. She will get confident quickly.

How complicated is it at the other end? Would she be able to see her Dad quickly? That is something to consider as well.

I think it's a great idea, she's not a baby, and while she has her reservations, I think everyone does the first time they do something - especially when it's something like this, and especially when very shy.

OP I think I'd do like a lot of people have suggested - go with her a few times, make sure she's comfortable with the journey, she knows where to go/who to ask if the train is delayed or cancelled, and make sure she has a mobile for contact.

Situations do arise that's true, but she's not commuting she's making a half hour journey EOW (or twice EOW if dad sends her back the same way). She'll gain confidence and if she's really not comfortable then you can reassess after a few times. I think you're right it will boost her confidence, especially if you position it to her as something for her, not you, and that you will be 'with' her (as in, on her side) if she really doesn't want to.

From what you say, she doesn't sound ready at all. Why then subject her to something that could well be traumatic for her.

Just be careful that you are not putting your comfort ahead of your daughter's needs and well being.

It sounds like it might be a good idea when she is a bit more mature and less 'painfully shy'.

Rattle and FeliCia did you see that the dd has aspergers? She isn't just shy.

Wait till the summer holidays and you are all off take her on the train earlier so you can get an earlier train back with your 5 year old it will still be a load of hanging about though your 5yr old could quickly get bored of the novelty and whinge anyway id stick the car out till your Dd is more confident

My 13 and 15 yr old won't even go on a bus without me; no way would they ever go on a train. I suppose it's about what is normal for every individual though.

It's a good idea but it sounds as though it's something that needs to be implemented slowly? I would try to present it as part of her development rather than something that directly benefits you and your other DD? I would think a 2 hr trip arriving into an unknown location would be a bit nerve-wracking for most 11 yr olds never mind one with aspergers/extreme shyness.

Life is different for City kids and in other countries. Your DD may have skills at 11 that other posters could only have dreamt about living in a big city and taking the train to school. Unlikely to have been a 2 hr trip either.

Why not talk to your EX about doing the trip once a month by train to start with in exchange for him returning her or picking her up doing the full two hours ? You may also need to train her to ensure that she uses an alarm to make sure she is wide awake nearing her stop etc. I crash out immediately on public transport and have done since I was a child

It's not clear to me which end of the weekend would be better. If you travel with her all the way by train then it's a 4 hr round trip without any break for a meal with your younger DD. So potentially a Sunday pick up could be easier and you could make a day of it in the City with your younger child and travel back in the evening together getting everyone home in time for a reasonable bed time.
You say that you have a long day on a Friday though which implies that your DD1 would be [when travelling solo] going relatively late? That would make me nervous at her age given her Aspergers. Too many Friday night post office p*ssed as a newt by 8pm drunks imo.

I'd bite the bullet now while the evenings are bright so that she becomes accustomed gradually and can recognise where she is.

Thanks for the replies. It's interesting what Emochild said - my dd's shyness has definitely got worse since she hit puberty - she started her periods last summer. She thinks everyone is looking at her and she is so self conscious.

I think if I'm going to do it it has to be with no pressure for her to do it by herself, if she knows we'll do it as many times with her as she wants she will be less stressed about it. It might be a bad time of year to start it anyway as her dad doesn't have her much from June until the end of August as he does seasonal work away. By September when things get back to normal she might be more keen on the idea, though probably not!

I don't expect her dad would bring her further back this way on the Sunday, but the Sunday's aren't such a problem, as I have friends in the area where we normally meet, and we can visit them to break the journey up. The Fridays are different because it's too late and rushed to do anything like that.

It's not a 2 hour train trip, if she were to do it alone she'd go to the nearer station which is 2 stops and 36 minutes away. It would only be 2 hours for me and dd2 as it makes more sense to stay on for one stop further, then we would have to come back again.

Build up to it. Take the train with her a few times (will be easier with your 5yo). Until she knows the journey. So hopefully 3rd or 4th time she knows she can do it herself.

My 11yo could do the journey right now, but might be grumpy & scared about it, even though we go on the train an awful lot, DS2 would still panic slightly. He has no SN but not confident child. My other DC would have done journey comfortably at 11.

We live in very rural area & kids here take the train 30 minutes each way & walk over to the posh public school in the city. They do get dropped at local station in posh cars, mind.

Also the train wouldn't be particularly late at night, the one she would get leaves at 6.45pm and gets in at 7.20pm, so I don't think rowdy drunkards would be too much of an issue.