To make my dd get the train?

[Littlefluffyclouds81]

My eldest dd is 11 (12 in July). She has EOW contact with her dad who lives over 2 hours drive away. We usually meet in the middle, so about an hour's drive each (then the same back home again).

This is a bit problematic for me, as I have a 5 year old dd who has a different father who she is NC with, so I have to drag her along on the Friday/Sunday drop offs and pick ups, so that's a total of 4 hours sitting in the car which she moans about a lot, and it can be very stressful. I am also a single parent and a full time student, and Friday is my long day at uni, so by the time I get home I'm shattered, and the last thing I feel like doing is driving for another 2 hours.

So...I just had what I thought was a genius idea. I looked at train times and she'd be able to get a direct train from very close to where we live, to about 25 mins from where her dad lives, and it takes 36 minutes! So her total travelling time would be an hour, and it would make both mine and her dad's lives a lot easier.

But...she has aspergers and is painfully shy. She would never be able to pay for her own stuff in a shop or anything. She has massive issues around talking to people she doesn't know. I've explained to her that I would go with her the first time to show her what to do, and if she felt ok about it and did it on her own I would of course get her onto the train, and her dad would be waiting for her on the platform at the other end. All she'd have to do inbetween is sit on her phone with her headphones on, and the only person likely to make contact with her would be the ticket inspector.

She is having NONE of it though . She said she's not brave enough, and is too scared of people. I think that, apart from the reasons listed above, it would be really good for her confidence, and aspergers or not, she lives in the world we live in and needs to start finding a little bit of independence now she is at secondary school.

So AIBU to keep pushing the idea, or should I drop it and leave it until she's older?

[GarlicShake]

This may be a mad idea or not ... What's the next stop? If it's a better place for you to wait with DD2 (and wait will be shorter), it might be best to aim for DD1 learning to walk herself from the station to her dad's and you mosey on up the line until it's time to go home.

Might not be feasible for the first couple of trips. Depends on whether you can trust her father to be ON THE PLATFORM waiting for her to get out of the train.

By the way, this was (is) a genius idea and you deserve a bit of back-slapping :)

[GarlicShake]

I bet she'll be really excited once she's done it.

[Littlefluffyclouds81]

Oooh that's a thought! I'll check out the next stop.

And thanks, I rarely have genius ideas so I'm going to savour this one

[Littlefluffyclouds81]

I think her dad could be trusted to be on the platform. He's generally pretty good at being places on time.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

No chance would I be letting a 12 year old get a train by herself. That's a baby FGS.

[Littlefluffyclouds81]

Garlic - you are the genius, not me! The next stop would mean a half hour wait and also it's in a city so there would probably be something slightly more enertaining there. Would mean 2 hours in total on the train for me and dd2 but if it means in the long term dd1 is happy to travel by herself, I'm fine with that.

Thinking about it, I think the city station may well be closer to her dad than the first stop so she could stay with us all the way there. By the time I've had a chat with her dad and said goodbye it will be pretty much time to come home again.

[MattDillonsPants]

That sounds good OP....and if you do find that you have some time to waste at a boring station, take a packed lunch and a game...or go for a walk in the area. Even boring places have something to look at generally.

[GarlicShake]

Oh, great news! :) :)

[Littlefluffyclouds81]

Even if we just do it sometimes for now, it is a win for everyone, less travelling for dd1 and hopefully gaining some independence, her dad will think all his Christmases have come at once because he's more than halved his journey time. And dd2 will love it - it's hard for her because she doesn't have a dad (who is sane enough to be able to see her anyway), and she always wants to go with dd1 when she sees her dad. I'm also a winner because I don't get whinged at and I can have a nice sit down, treat myself to a can of cider, and don't have to drive when I'm tired.

[NightWanderer]

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost
No chance would I be letting a 12 year old get a train by herself. That's a baby FGS.

I live abroad, and it's not unusual for 6/7 year olds to get the train by themselves. In fact I used to take the bus to school in primary school in Scotland. It's not like she has to change stations.

OP, I think it's a great idea and surely a lot easier for your Ex too. I hope you can find a way to make it work.

[justnippingin]

I'm another that thinks she's too young, also knowing that she feels as she does would be a no, no for me. Understandably a slog for you though.

[DeltaSunrise]

I think it's fine. Once you've done the journey with her a few times and she knows what to do and where to get off it'll be good for everyone.

By age 10 my mum was putting me on a train most school holidays and sending me to my grandad (I loved it with him). I had to do a change in the middle of the journey and Grandad would meet me at the other end.

[Mistigri]

I think it's fine as long as you take her the first time (or two), and make sure that she knows exactly what to do in case of a problem - I assume she has a phone (if not, then get her a cheap one with a PAYG sim). There are many, many 11 year olds who take sometimes quite long train journeys to school.

Where we live it's very common for quite young children to travel the length of the country alone on a train, and for kids not much older than your daughter to take flights alone. It's understandable that your DD is anxious but if you rehearse the trip enough she will be fine.

[MrsRonBurgundy]

The amount of trouble I've seen in trains (daily user for work), I wouldn't let an 11 year old get the train alone. I feel safer on the bus because at least you can go and stand near the driver.
Especially on Friday evenings when a lot of people finish at 5 and then have a swift few before getting on the train home!

[BrandNewAndImproved]

I think once they're in secondary school getting a train is fine. I see plenty of year 7s being dropped off at the train station in the morning to catch the train to a grammar in another county. They aren't babies how ridiculous.

I would push for this op, have one late Friday or see if ex will get on the train and do it with her the first time and see how it goes from there. It will help him out to plus it's a good life skill!

[Letustryagain]

My DSis and I travelled (albeit together) to Paddington from somewhere in the South-West when she was 9 and I was 7. My Nan was picking us up from Paddington. It was a Saturday morning, lots of families on the train. We had pre-booked seats, books, snacks and drinks. Made some new friends and had a great time.

As others have said, lots of children don't have a choice when it comes to public transport and I'm sure that if you can do the journey with her once or twice, she would be fine. Is there anyone who could look after your DD2 for a couple of Fridays so that you can take a book and just wait for the train back without DD2 getting home too late?

[Cheby]

This is great idea OP. Just go with her the first few times and she will probably be fine on her own after that. Has she got an iPod or something she can listen to on the way?

I used to get the train from our village into the nearest town with my friends at that age, and at 12 I was responsible for taking my 9yo sister with me so we could go shopping. You can always look into passenger assistance as well, they might be able to ask the conductor to keep an eye on her and check she gets off at the right stop.

My sister and I once hopped on the wrong train but I still managed to find someone to ask, figure out how to get back and then get us home again. We managed fine.

[MyLocal]

Yes there are lots of children get the train to school, but usually they share that train with other kids wearing the same uniform going the same direction at peak times.

I would personally have issues letting her get an early evening train alone at 11 yes especially when she isn't super street wise. Since you only have to take her EOW I would do the journey with both girls until such time as she is confident enough to do it herself and you know her father is reliable enough to be at the platform waiting.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

Having a 12 year old who won't take a 10min public transport ride ( at the end of an hour long car journey) to her Dad's herself I realised that it is not just about the journey.
There are so many feelings caught up in travel to and from contact with the NR parent that this is about those feelings rather than the journey itself.
Going with her will be an excellent solution, but I would expect a quick fix on her going on her own.

[tobysmum77]

12 is a baby????

I think op it would be good for her to build her up to it. The only thing is that she does have to be able to cope with potential delays/ being shoved off a train because it has broken down/ wont stop at a particular station etc. It isn't always as straightforward as staying on from a to b in your booked seat as the timetable suggests.

[ForalltheSaints]

I agree with the suggestion of your making the journey with her on the train a few times first.

[SmilingButClueless]

It might also be worth sitting down with her and working out a plan about what to do if different things happen on the journey / what her coping strategies would be if something goes wrong. This might help her feel more confident in starting to think about doing the journey alone. Because public transport by its nature is a bit unpredictable. I don't know if unpredictability is an issue for your DD, but for a lot of people with her condition it would be.

I'm thinking about this from the perspective of someone who also has Aspergers, has been travelling solo on trains for over 25 years (since about your DD1's age) and normally has no issues... but the other day almost had a meltdown on the train due to it being unnaturally busy and someone then talking to me. If I hadn't had my own plan for what to do when things aren't how I expect in that situation it would have escalated further - not a good thing, obviously!

[TheNaze73]

I can't believe the 12 is a baby comment, seemed very odd.

Secondary school age and above would be fine for me. I think the contingency bit, like Tobysmum said, is important. Having commuted into town for many years. The 6:16 to Fenchurch, doesn't always leave at that time. Maybe 3 or 4 trips with her as a trial run? Excellent idea

[RabbitSaysWoof]

While you are going with her would her Dad bring her closer to you to come home? As you say he's journey has more than halved.

[Savagebeauty]

I too am open-mouthed at the 12 is a baby comment
What a ridiculous attitude.