To make my dd get the train?

[Littlefluffyclouds81]

My eldest dd is 11 (12 in July). She has EOW contact with her dad who lives over 2 hours drive away. We usually meet in the middle, so about an hour's drive each (then the same back home again).

This is a bit problematic for me, as I have a 5 year old dd who has a different father who she is NC with, so I have to drag her along on the Friday/Sunday drop offs and pick ups, so that's a total of 4 hours sitting in the car which she moans about a lot, and it can be very stressful. I am also a single parent and a full time student, and Friday is my long day at uni, so by the time I get home I'm shattered, and the last thing I feel like doing is driving for another 2 hours.

So...I just had what I thought was a genius idea. I looked at train times and she'd be able to get a direct train from very close to where we live, to about 25 mins from where her dad lives, and it takes 36 minutes! So her total travelling time would be an hour, and it would make both mine and her dad's lives a lot easier.

But...she has aspergers and is painfully shy. She would never be able to pay for her own stuff in a shop or anything. She has massive issues around talking to people she doesn't know. I've explained to her that I would go with her the first time to show her what to do, and if she felt ok about it and did it on her own I would of course get her onto the train, and her dad would be waiting for her on the platform at the other end. All she'd have to do inbetween is sit on her phone with her headphones on, and the only person likely to make contact with her would be the ticket inspector.

She is having NONE of it though . She said she's not brave enough, and is too scared of people. I think that, apart from the reasons listed above, it would be really good for her confidence, and aspergers or not, she lives in the world we live in and needs to start finding a little bit of independence now she is at secondary school.

So AIBU to keep pushing the idea, or should I drop it and leave it until she's older?

[heron98]

I do not think 11 is too young to do this at all - I am very surprised that people think it is.

The Asperger's is a different matter and only you know how much impact that will have.

That aside, I think most 11 year olds should be able to catch a short local train.

[diddl]

Could her Dad join her for part of the train journey?

If you put her on the train at one end and her dad collects her at the other, that does sound simple enough.

If there are no changes & a delay wouldn't panic her, for example.

It's surely worth a try.

[SurroMummy13]

Personally I wouldn't send a 11/12yr old on a train alone. My mum freaked when I went to Scotland on the train alone. I was 16 and in a full time job! .

Maybe he does the Friday trip, and you do the Sunday trip if you go later in the day , For 2 hours your youngest would have your 11yo to talk to/ play with. Could take 5yo to park or something to tire out before you set off home again? X

[wheresthel1ght]

Far too young even without aspergers sorry yabvu

[Natsku]

Can't believe those saying that it would be far too young even for a NT child! Its important for children to have independent mobility (be able to go about without adults) and by 11 or 12 that ought to include short bus and train trips (in places where those are taken), the average child shouldn't be babied.

[MrsRonBurgundy]

Before I started commuting regularly I would have said that 11 was fine.
However I have had to give statements to the police on 2 occasions about violent attacks that I've witnessed (one was West Midlands, one was Hertfordshire).
I've also had to dodge people who won't leave me alone, move carriages because of rowdy drunks and on one occasion jumped off the train at the last second because a man was really not leaving me alone and it was easier to just wait for the next train (regular trains so not too long a wait).

I rarely see a conductor and I think that would be the concern for me. There's nobody to go to if you're worried/scared as a child on a train.

[scarlets]

Definitely worth giving it a go. She may only need you to accompany her a few times. Going with her gives you a chance to suss out what the train is like in terms of "busy-ness", typical customers, presence of a guard etc. I agree that a bit more independence might be good for her, when she's up for it.

As she gets older, depending on her social circle, she may be less interested in visiting Dad on a strict fortnightly basis anyway. There may be too much going on over your way!

[MimiSam]

I am all for encouraging independence in children once they reach secondary school age. But they do have to be prepared for the unpleasant and unexpected. Yesterday, I took a short train journey with my 9 year old DD. It was 2pm and we were travelling from a small town on the Kent coast. When the train arrived at our station, we were standing on the platform ready to board. The doors open and two absolutely paralytic men with a big dog were standing by the door, but were too drunk to get off! I waited a few seconds to give them a chance to get off, but then we had to dash to the next open door.

Within 5 mins, a woman started shouting and swearing very loudly when she was challenged by the ticket inspector for having no ticket. Really shockingly bad language, F this, C that. I turned around ready to ask her to please tone it down as there were children present (mine and some others younger). Then I saw she had her own children with her, so was clearly not bothered about offending young ears.

We had to change trains and whilst waiting for the next one, saw some more very drunk people on the platform, shouting loudly and pouring beer from a can down the throat of their dog!. Then on the next train, two teenage girls got on and again, the swearing had to be heard to be believed. All this within 15 mins, on a sunny afternoon in sleepy Kent. I found it quite stressful, so your DD should perhaps be prepared for incidents like this.

Oh and on the way back, the train was delayed for a long time, as there was an 'incident' on line ahead...

[GarlicShake]

Anyone willing to bet the 'incident' was the paralytic men's dog?

Sorry for thread swerve.

[AmIbeingTreasonable]

This is surely her fathers responsibility to figure out, not yours. I'd be putting it back on him.

[AliceInUnderpants]

Why is it automatically the father's responsibility? OP has said they share journeys.

[MajesticWhine]

11 is not too young. Have a few trial runs until she feels comfortable. I think it might be really good for her to travel independently and get more confidence in herself.

[Lollipopstick]

I wouldn't let an 11 year old do this - especially one who is shy.

A woman I work with has an 18 yr old daughter who is very quiet. She was on a bus journey of about 2 hours and a man sat in next to her and started touching her leg - and I don't know what else. She froze with fear and said nothing. He eventually got off the bus. She later told it up her mum who reported it to the police who are investigating.

Chances are your daughter wouldn't encounter a person like this but you just don't know.

[MajesticWhine]

But by that logic are you saying that a shy 18 yr old should not travel alone?

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

Lolipop- that's exactly what happened to me when I was 12, I was a bolshy,stroppy kid who'd give anyone a mouthful but I froze with fear.

Last time ds was on a train with dh there was a suicide and the train was delayed for well over an hour. There are so many things that can go wrong the child has to at least start off feeling confident about doing it and not be pushed into it.

I think kids traveling to and from school with mates on a well known journey is very different from what you're describing OP.

[Lollipopstick]

Adults get sexually assaulted on the tube etc. I'm not saying they shouldn't use public transport - I'm saying that it would be even more difficult for an 11 year old to cope with I imagine.

I've seen all sorts on public transport and felt frightened myself as an adult - out of control young children intimidating adults - a pair of drunks having a shouting match and cursing loudly - strange people who sit next to you on an empty bus. Also, a gang of teenagers out of control on the top floor of a double decker bus and the police were called to take them off. Some of the teenagers ran down the stairs and tried to sit amongst the passengers - causing arguments with the non-drunk passengers.

[SpiritedLondon]

Sorry what time is this? In the evening? I certainly wouldn't let a child that age go on the train alone - with or without the ASD. Travelling to school on a bus or train is different as you have lots of commuters around and other school kids who are likely to look out for you. ( I once had to help out a boy that age who was travelling on his own who had dropped his phone on the track at the platform and was crying). You have no idea who is likely to talk to her ....you can't be sure it will only be the ticket inspector. You just need a load of football supporters getting on and chanting or a group of bitchy girls to completely intimidate her. What would she do if the train broke down and everyone had to get off. Would she manage being sat in a small station with no ticket office or staff? These are the things I would be considering. I would have thought the best solution would be for you ex to get the train to you and you could take her to the station. I worked with a guy who travelled from London to Doncaster every weekend to get his child and obviously had to take her back again on the Sunday.

[BillSykesDog]

Lollipop that's exactly what I thought. I remember travelling in London alone at 13/14 and getting creepy men trying to box me in on the train and touch me up. 11 is just too young I think unless travelling with other 11 year olds.

[sashh]

OP

Check to see if she is eligible for a disabled rail card, that could bring your costs down as well as cutting the journey time.

If you go to the nearest city you could make a bit of a treat for your younger dd, maybe a cinema trip.

Also if she is using the same train on a regular basis there might be staff who will get to know her. If it is not a local train then it might be worth looking at first class where there is always a member of staff in the carriage.

[Littlefluffyclouds81]

Thanks sashh I'll look into the disabled railcard. And first class is a good idea, whenever I've travelled on a train first class it's generally been a more peaceful experience which would suit her better.

[PurpleCrazyHorse]

Definitely give it a go. I'm not sure what there is to lose unless she's likely to have an awful reaction. Do it with her until she feels confident. You and DD2 could move to a different carriage and let her sit on her own, finally working up to travelling the two stops by herself.

I'd also run through scenarios with her, like missing her stop (maybe you could travel to the next stop with her so she knows what's there), dealing with rowdy people etc.

A friend's mum did this with their son who has aspergers. She went through the route (walking) to school with him and all the likely scenarios, teaching him what to do.