...or is DH - cleaning related

[29herzie]

Twice now this week ( Yes, only Wednesday now I know) DH has come home and been really grumpy about the 'tip' the house is in.

I am a SAHM to 2 DCs (2,6 and 6 months). DH works FT but starts early so is home at 5. I know I am rubbish at keeping the place tidy and we have always had very different ideas about it. I don't really care as long as things are fairly clean and hygienic. DH likes surfaces to be clear, but doesn't seem to see the dirt.
We've solved the problem recently by having a cleaner (waits for the flaming to begin). Unfortunately she is poorly at the moment so We are having to share it out.

I think he is being unreasonable as I think it is more important to spend time with the DCs. I find it really hard to get anything done unless I park them in front of CBeebies. Also me and DC1 like lots of messy play (cooking, gardening, painting) far more than cleaning. My argument is that it will still be there later to clean up when they've gone to bed (DC1 is supposed to help put her toys away and load the dishwasher but obviously most of it needs doing by us). Also I think that the timing doesn't help, 5 pm is DC1's teatime and the baby normally wants his bottle. I am trying to get our dinner on too. Or if we are out, we often arrive back just before this ( and if I try and clean up completely before we leave, we'd never leave the house). So, yes, he does often walk into chaos but I think that's just the way it is. Oh and I am trying to sort and sell baby stuff at the mo so there are bags and boxes all over the place.

He think is I am being a messy, lazy so and so who just sits on mumsnet all day... Leaving it all for him to do the moment he gets in...

I must stress that he is a 'hands on' dad and DH who does his share around the house, the AIBU is about attitudes to mess and timings

At first I was going to say that your DH might have a point. Our house is far from being a show home but it is clean and tidy. I can't stand clutter, it makes me quite anxious (the result of growing up in an extremely cluttered and not particularly clean home). I find it much easier to keep things in good order and clean a bit at a time, rather than waiting until things are out of control and then tackling a huge mess.

However, after reading your update I would say that your DH is being unreasonable. He objects to washing on the line and a few dishes in the sink? That's ridiculous. Those are just normal parts of family life. Added to that, your children are still very young and of course require a great deal of care.

After your 2nd post, well I'd say that your dh IBU.

I can't see how anyone can object to the dishwasher going through it's cycle, or washing being on the line - surely those things in themselves are evidence that jobs are getting done. If you are cooking to the extent of baking your own bread on top of that, then you are certainly doing enough.

As ever, in theses arguments, it's down to ensuring that both partners get equal 'down time'. If you both get up at about the same time and you've been on the go throughout the day, then you are doing enough. If you spend a couple of hours drinking coffee with friends every day, then he's probably entitled to be a bit grumpy that more hasn't been done, or, at least, to come in and sit down whilst you keep going.
Of course, if you are doing all the getting up at night (why?), then that counts as your working hours too possibly at double rate as it's harder to get up in the night.

A 6 month old and dried pasta don't mix and yes it would probably kill him. Dd the older one didn't eat anything until she was 3 apart from sand and breast milk.

Try breast feeding a 3 year old whilst entertaining a very active 1 year old (he walked at 9 months even though every baby book I came across said babies dont walk till they are 10 months old, and he was premature) and trying to keep a house tidy. It was not happening.

I love the idea that you can stick children in front of the tv/ipad and that is where they stay. Anybody else's children not interested in tv unless they were copying what they were doing on screen.EG BRUM equaled charging around crashing into anything and everything.
Come Outside was a nightmare as I once caught them with a rug around their shoulder like a 2 person cape preparing to jump off the windowsill trying to fly like Pippin and the lady pilot.

Anyone who has never lived with children like that, I am surely not the only one, cannot understand how you cannot take your eyes off them for a minute.

Painting names with water to clean the floor, mine would have got in the bucket.

Agree about the sheer impracticality of the 'helpful' suggestions about keeping children occupied/getting them to help while you do the housework. I remember this phase and the sheer frustration and permanent low-level exhaustion that's the backdrop to everything you do.

I remember reading (now this really is like something out of Viz Top Tips) that I should put swimsuits on my children and turn mopping the kitchen floor into water play for them - great. I'd have had to put them into the bath afterwards, towel them down, dry their hair, put yet another load of towels into the wash and deal with all the splashed items around the kitchen...it would be easier to get DH/DM to take them swimming and mop the floor while they're out. OP, ignore all the perfectly organised people on here who know exactly where you're going wrong. They don't have your kids. And IMO your H is being very unreasonable to expect to come home to some sort of haven of domestic bliss at 5pm (lucky him for finishing work so early) when the kids are being fed and there's baby food up the walls and down the seat cushions and everywhere but their mouths.

Maybe you should ask him if this is what he wants.

Since when is getting in at 6pm 'normal'?

OP, having read your update, you are way better than me, and your dh is being rather unreasonable. He is probably just grouchy after a day at work and looking for something to pick at. I'm sure even if you do more, if he's had a bad day it wouldn't be enough. Give him his tidy room to go to for 10 mins - whilst he braces himself for fatherhood duties. Agree in advance what you can do, and what he can expect (when he's in a good mood) and thereby remove excuse for 'picky' comments.

Goodness me, thank for the suggestions, helpful and otherwise. Feeling a lot more rational about it now. It really is a timing thing. Coupled with a few very deep seated insecurities I have about cleaning (parents/EA/long story) which mean I get very defensive if anyone cleans up around me.

DH gets home and as people have said, he can't relax till the place is tidy, so when he sees it not done he rushes around doing it all. This sets off my triggers and I get upset. I'd be happier if he'd just spend some quality time with the kids to let me get things sorted. Will talk to him about this.

Part of me also thinks that anyone who works 8.00 till 4.30 and gets home at 5 ( he doesn't exactly bring work home) isn't exactly full time... Compared to the 55+ hours I used to work. But I need to accept that hours or not his work pays much better than mine and let's me stay at home! IAB totally u on this one!

The nights thing suits us. DH is a contract worker so no one at work will cut him any slack if he's not performing due to sleep deprivation. He does badly on poor sleep and doesn't often get back to sleep if he's woken. So it's a means to preserving our income... And he does take over on Friday nights while I escape and we share Saturday's.

I used to leave at 8 and get back at 5.30pm. DH got back much later than me so I would pick the children up from the childminder, make dinner, help them with homework, bath them, put them to bed, then clean up and catch up on things like shopping for groceries, filling in forms, sorting out laundry etc.

If I had been able to walk in to a house in which the laundry was done, the groceries were bought and unpacked, the children had done homework and dinner was already cooked I would have been absolutely delighted no matter how messy the house was.

I think it's horrible to walk into chaos after a long day at work so I understand where your DH is coming from. I'm not saying the house should be spotless, but if he's tripping over bags and boxes and there's mess left out from messy play, dirty cups and plates piled up, yes it does look like you're being lazy. What's wrong with putting CBeebies on for half an hour so you can load dishwasher, put toys in a box, stack any bags/boxes/clutter in the corner, put away the messy play stuff? You have all day to enjoy time with your DC. If you leave all the tidying until evening when do you get to spend quality time with DH?

I can't understand how you (not the OP, anybody) can have a clean house with clutter everywhere - don't you have to tidy up or at least put things away before you can clean whatever is underneath?

I wouldn't have everything put away by 5pm - not when the children are still up!

Dinner stuff gets cleaned up after dinner time, not during
Toys tidied away at bedtime.
Clothes on the line/in the dryer, dishes in the dishwasher is not mess

If you don't like walking home into chaos after a long day at work ... don't have children. For a few years, when they are very young and very demanding indeed, chaos is what will ensue, unless your children are cared for outside of the home.

don't you have to tidy up or at least put things away before you can clean whatever is underneath?

Yes, but there is stuff back there around 30 minutes 30 seconds later. Any surface is fair game to my kids.