...or is DH - cleaning related

[29herzie]

Twice now this week ( Yes, only Wednesday now I know) DH has come home and been really grumpy about the 'tip' the house is in.

I am a SAHM to 2 DCs (2,6 and 6 months). DH works FT but starts early so is home at 5. I know I am rubbish at keeping the place tidy and we have always had very different ideas about it. I don't really care as long as things are fairly clean and hygienic. DH likes surfaces to be clear, but doesn't seem to see the dirt.
We've solved the problem recently by having a cleaner (waits for the flaming to begin). Unfortunately she is poorly at the moment so We are having to share it out.

I think he is being unreasonable as I think it is more important to spend time with the DCs. I find it really hard to get anything done unless I park them in front of CBeebies. Also me and DC1 like lots of messy play (cooking, gardening, painting) far more than cleaning. My argument is that it will still be there later to clean up when they've gone to bed (DC1 is supposed to help put her toys away and load the dishwasher but obviously most of it needs doing by us). Also I think that the timing doesn't help, 5 pm is DC1's teatime and the baby normally wants his bottle. I am trying to get our dinner on too. Or if we are out, we often arrive back just before this ( and if I try and clean up completely before we leave, we'd never leave the house). So, yes, he does often walk into chaos but I think that's just the way it is. Oh and I am trying to sort and sell baby stuff at the mo so there are bags and boxes all over the place.

He think is I am being a messy, lazy so and so who just sits on mumsnet all day... Leaving it all for him to do the moment he gets in...

I must stress that he is a 'hands on' dad and DH who does his share around the house, the AIBU is about attitudes to mess and timings

I'vegot - my apologies then, as my experience of bottle fed babies was my friends who seemed to feed to a schedule. Anyway, don't think it really matters as babies have to be fed one way or the other, I was just trying to explain what I thought Hermione meant.

Not all bottle fed babies are on routine feeding. You are encouraged to feed on demand for bottle fed babies aswell.

Combine that with the sterilising and bottle fed babies can actually take up more time than breast fed

Wait, so you do clean every day but your dh is moaning about washing being on the line and the dishwasher still being on? That doesn't sound excessive mess to me.

I just wanted to pick up on that point because my bottle fed baby was just constantly feeding in the early months, I was having to wash and sterilise the bottles twice a day. It definitely wasn't any less time consuming.

Those are pretty crap things to whinge about. Tell him to make his own twatting bread

Kids don't need 100% parental attention, nor 24/7 entertainment

Mine did. If I took my eyes off them for a few seconds the younger one would have rolled about so he was either stuck under the settee or once got his leg jammed in the video player. My eldest at 2 had been set up with a painting set and painted her brother and various walls.

I have gone through this with the same age gap by the time you have tidied away stuff to one cupboard then 2 other cupboards were emptied.

My house at the time looked like something out of How Clean Is Your House. If dh had complained I would have threatened to leave without the kids. His worse nightmare.

Yes DS is now on the bottle. But not really on a routine. He's been on a mix of expressed milk and non dairy formula for CMPA and reflux. As of this week I've stopped expressing but we have introduced solids... His feeding routine is a bit of a mission sometimes.

DH does help when he gets in, but the messier it is the more he huffs and puffs. He does washing and does the bath time routine. DH does look after them both at weekends - 3 hours, every other Sunday- and I do come home to a fairly tidy house... But they've yet to go out anywhere and I am expected to take over as soon as I walk in the door. Mostly though we have family time at weekends and he mainly looks after one or the other.

DD is out today so it's just me and the baby ... So plenty of time for this ( and lots of cleaning of course!)

I'm with your dh.

Living in a mess is unpleasant, and sets a pretty slovenly example to your children.

Not tidying up after messy play? Why??

Florin mine would have ate the dried pasta. Both had an obsession of eating sand when we went to the beach.

Unfortunately I grew up with a dm who thought she was interacting with me but would clean constantly. I grew up in a house where cleaning came before anything else. Eventually dm got sectioned because what started out as a need for tidiness grew into something where she couldn't stop.

We have many memories of days out my dc and I look back on. I have none but a dm who couldn't stop cleaning long enough to give me her full attention.

YANBU. I tend to do a tidy up after the kids are in bed. If DP isn't happy with toys on the floor etc he cleans up himself.

Let him look after both of them for a week on his own, with you getting home at 5. See how much he gets done.

My DH is a tidy freak. I know this and try and keep up but yes it's more important to get up and get out than tidy. He looked after DD1 (2 at the time) 3 morning a week for 6 weeks whilst working part time. At the end of the second week he said 'now I understand why you don't always get everything done'.

He's cut me so much more slack ever since.

Kids don't need 100% parental attention, nor 24/7 entertainment

mines 8, an only child and defo needs constant attention. Has to be supervised because he is a daft sod and a reverse vaccuum (spits out filth with each step)

If I try to take out 20 minutes to clean you he will demand every ounce of my attention. Its frustrating and exhausting so my house is a tip. I'm forever chasing my tail and school holidays its often 100x worse.

OP, your DH needs to suck it up, realise the things you do do during the day. Its school holidays with 2 kids at home and your much needed help isn't available right now.

Some kids are very messy.
Some kids are ridiculously clean.
Luck of the draw which type you end up with!

The only way I manage to keep one room spotless here - I have to lock the door and keep DS out. It is the only way to save my sanity against the constant tide of mess. Its my space I retreat to on the evenings.

He is BU. Having stuff in the washing machine/dryer/dishwasher is not mess.

I am crap at this too - and my house is currently really really bad. I have 2 toddlers, one is just 4 and one is 20 months. The 20 month-old is going through a really difficult stage where he won't do anything he's encouraged to do and anything you give him to play with he immediately abandons or uses it to cause destruction.

So for example, I tried to let them do water play, with some water in a teapot and some cups. I nipped through the house to sort out a load of washing, and came back to discover that they'd moved a kitchen chair to climb up to the sink and were helping themselves to more and more water and soaking the floor. If I give him crayons he draws on the wall instead of his lovely big easel. If I give him felt pens he bites the tips off them and turns his mouth green or pink. If I open the bathroom doors (usually have to keep them tightly shut) he goes and sticks his hand in the toilet, unreels heaps of toilet roll or starts running water into the bath soaking himself in the process. If I start hoovering he comes along behind me turning the hoover on and off (he loves the hoover) every 10 seconds. If I hang washing in the house he pulls it all off the radiators/clothes horse. He helps me unload the dishwasher but he doesn't understand yet that dirty things I am putting in it need to stay there, so I spend the whole time trying to stop him from taking things out as I fill it. It is fucking exhausting and quite honestly I've given up.

The only thing that keeps him occupied properly is playing on the floor with him or reading him stories, and I can't do that and tidy at the same time. Making lunch or dinner is really hard as he clings to my leg wailing at me or constantly opens the fridge and takes things out/opens the bottom oven - I use the top one but I'm never sure he won't burn himself anyway. This is all interspersed between taking them out to softplay/swimming/park/shops, taking the 4 year-old to the toilet, fetching snacks for them both, wrestling with DS to get his nappy off and a clean one on, baths (currently also carnage with splashing) etc etc etc. He's a smart little cookie and very sweet, but he's incredibly hard work right now.

I'm with your DH i'm afraid. I do sympathise but IMO (braces self for flaming) being a SAHM isn't just about childcare. If your DH is working full time and bears 100% of the financial burden I think you should do more to look after the house so it's not stressful to walk into. Yes it's more fun to have 'messy play' than to clean, but it's about respect for your partner. You need to put a small amount of time to one side in the day, park them in front of Cbeebies, and clean and tidy the house to a standard you are both happy with, not just you.

I'm with your DH, its rubbish coming home to an untidy house.

He arrives home early at 5pm, when the toddler and baby are both being fed! How the hell is op supposed to have everything else perfect at that most chaotic time of day? Stick a broom up her bum and sweep as she goes?

Just feeding, tidying up after, shopping, washing, dishes, taking kids out, playing with them, changing them and heaven forbid sitting down with a hot cup of coffee and a sandwich for 20 minutes when the baby is asleep - can easily take up the whole day.

I'm sorry but he sound an absolute twat if he's complaining about washing in the dryer or the dishwasher going through a cycle when he flies in on his magic carpet at 5pm! Idiot.

At the start I said I agreed with your DH but after reading your updates I'm on your side now, I had visions of you entertaining the DC's all day while dishes piled high, clothes went unwashed but I see that's not the case.

bettyberry that does NOT sound normal. An 8 year old should be capable of watching TV or playing quietly whit lego or drawing without supervision!!!

mines 8, an only child and defo needs constant attention. Has to be supervised because he is a daft sod and a reverse vaccuum (spits out filth with each step)

Unless he has significant SEN, maybe you should start trying to teach him how to play by himself in a way that doesn't cause mass destruction??

if he's complaining about washing in the dryer or the dishwasher going through a cycle

Yeah that is NOT mess - that is cleaning in action! That is a strange thing to be pissy about.

Sounds like your DH may be being overly fussy.

Plenty of times I have washing still in the machine, or just in the dryer, hanging on the line still or the clothes horse. Stuff in the dishwasher is not mess to me either. My DH has never said anything about any of those things. He is the one most likely to forget to put his dirty plates in the dishwasher anyway, so I think he knows he would be on a very sticky wicket if he piped up.

Oliversmumsarmy and so what if they eat a bit of the dried pasta it isn't going to kill them and they love it and it is quick to clear up. My son at 3.5 is still partial to the odd nibble. I don't spend hours cleaning because my house is clean and tidy it takes very little effort to keep it that way by doing small amounts at a time. I do so much with my ds, we bake at least once a week, do loads of messy play, trips out to local attractions, playing in the garden, feeding and collecting the eggs from his chickens, walking the dog, even buying straw and spreading it in the chicken pen he thinks is a big treat etc. However if it is a cleaning job he likes why not turn it into an activity. Cleaning the wooden floor can be turned into a painting activity with water for example and practice writing his name with water and a paint brush. I work hard but so does my dh and has a massive financial responsibility on his shoulders. We do so much so if he does have an hour playing on the iPad/watching tv at the end of the day when he needs down time anyway this is definitely worth it so by the time my husband walks through the door which is gone 7 he walks in to a tidy house and child ready for bed and normally gin and tonic in hand so for the small time he does get at home it is enjoyable for us all. It is all about balance.

I think you simply need to switch up your routine. Do your messy play in the morning, spend the day with the dc and then have a little blitz before he comes home. Then everyone is happy. You have spent the time with your children and dh isn't returning home to a chaotic house. We also have a rule here that if dd (nearly 4) has finished with a toy, she puts it away before getting something else out, that keeps the mess down. Occasional tidying during the day also helps. You need to do more as you go along and do a blitz before her comes home. I don't think he is being unreasonable from his eyes, if you tidy in the morning and it's returned to chaotic by the time he gets home the house will look very similar to how it was when he left it that morning, it's not surprising he doesn't see your doing anything.

YANBU, tell DH to get home an hour later like a normal person. He can pick up some artisan bread on the way.

Had a similar problem once. Solution was to keep one room v tidy and toy-free (baby gate across door), other room more toy-ey with boxes to put things in (put away toys before taking out more rule).

When Dh came home, was met with cup of tea/adoring children and sat firmly in tidy room for 10 mins to de-stress after work. Did us both good and he could see that tidiness did exist. Also very useful for unexpected visitors if there was one spot always neat--reminded me of the idea of a victorian parlour!

Whois - "it's not mess - it's cleaning in action"

Love this! Will frame it and put it on the wall