...or is DH - cleaning related

[29herzie]

Twice now this week ( Yes, only Wednesday now I know) DH has come home and been really grumpy about the 'tip' the house is in.

I am a SAHM to 2 DCs (2,6 and 6 months). DH works FT but starts early so is home at 5. I know I am rubbish at keeping the place tidy and we have always had very different ideas about it. I don't really care as long as things are fairly clean and hygienic. DH likes surfaces to be clear, but doesn't seem to see the dirt.
We've solved the problem recently by having a cleaner (waits for the flaming to begin). Unfortunately she is poorly at the moment so We are having to share it out.

I think he is being unreasonable as I think it is more important to spend time with the DCs. I find it really hard to get anything done unless I park them in front of CBeebies. Also me and DC1 like lots of messy play (cooking, gardening, painting) far more than cleaning. My argument is that it will still be there later to clean up when they've gone to bed (DC1 is supposed to help put her toys away and load the dishwasher but obviously most of it needs doing by us). Also I think that the timing doesn't help, 5 pm is DC1's teatime and the baby normally wants his bottle. I am trying to get our dinner on too. Or if we are out, we often arrive back just before this ( and if I try and clean up completely before we leave, we'd never leave the house). So, yes, he does often walk into chaos but I think that's just the way it is. Oh and I am trying to sort and sell baby stuff at the mo so there are bags and boxes all over the place.

He think is I am being a messy, lazy so and so who just sits on mumsnet all day... Leaving it all for him to do the moment he gets in...

I must stress that he is a 'hands on' dad and DH who does his share around the house, the AIBU is about attitudes to mess and timings

YANBU
Thinking about what your kids will learn ... Option 1 the priority is to have spotless house, option 2 the priority is to learn to be creative, be relaxed around mess, and do the tidying when there's time. Option 2 every time.!!
Plus you have been at work all day too, being a mother to 2 young children. It would be unfair to DH to do all the cleaning as well as your own job. Tantamount to de-stilling him in fact

*de-skilling (blasted spellcheck)

YABU.

Tidy up after messy play, that's part of the deal with games like that and kids should learn that.

I don't think I could be married to someone who has vastly different views on tidiness to me. We have both always been a bit messy and just blitz the place every now and then.

It really depends on how bad it is.

Tbh I I was at work all day and had to come home and spend the ebbing tidying it would piss me off.

A few toys here and there, a few left over pots etc. Fair enough.

But I wouldn't be happy at having to work all day and then do half the housework (at least).

The whole point of me being at home, when I was a sahm, was so that I was there with the kids, so didn't have to worry about childcare. But also so that we had more time as a couple and as a family. When we both worked full time. Evenings and weekends were tidying and cleaning and we didn't want to do that anymore.

If dh was a sahd and I came home to an evening of cleaning I wouldn't be happy about carrying the full financial burden for all of us. It wouldn't feel fair.

I think if it matters to your partner, it should matter to you too. It's not about who's right really.

Agree with curren.

You should be able to clean and tidy In between. You can't indulge in messy play, have stuff strewn all over and say that's more important than cleaning. Your kids will pick up on that and be messy themselves as they grow up. I would be upset to work a full day and come home to my Dh leaving the place in a tip.

I think you should leave on Friday night and go stay with a friend until Sunday evening. Let DH have the two children, with the stipulation that he's on his own, no dumping them on family/friends, and no all day telly marathons, and see how he gets on entertaining them and cleaning up after them. It might change his outlook about priorities while being the SAHP.

By that example, she should then work and earn for that weekend too if they are to swap roles?

Ewe she should go to work all weekend then surely?

And then see if she fancies coming home to doing the housework.

I don't get the 'leave the house and leave him to it....that'll show him' attitudes.

Sounds a nightmare!

Kids don't need 100% parental attention, nor 24/7 entertainment.

Plonk them in front of cbeebies for 30 mins, or leave babyin cot/high chair/playpen fir a bit and give yoyr older DC a tiny job whilst you do your stuff.

No need to receive your DH to a spic and span home in a pinny, but this sounds fairly chaotic.

It is perfectly possible to have well loooked after children and a semi tidy home without all day telly marathons. It is excessive and patronising to suggest otherwise.

I don't blame him for not wanting to come home to a messy house. It is all about doing little bits when you can and grabbing every opportunity. We have a tuff tray which I use in the middle of the kitchen. Ds either has pasta, dyed chickpeas etc to dig in with all his tractors etc or I surround it with towels give him some water, colour changing bubble bath, cups, pipettes etc and let him have water play. Keeps him busy for hours while I give the kitchen a good scrub but I am with him to comment on what he is doing, join in a bit etc. I will do the same in the sitting room get out a couple of toys that keep him occupied which I can join in a bit with and then whip round the sitting room. If he decides to play in his bedroom I go with him but use the opportunity to have a quick sort though one of his drawers. Involve your eldest in as many household chores as you can, it may take longer but you get it done and they really enjoy it. Our son loves helping hoovering and his absolute favourite is mopping the floor. He will happily scrub the floor by hand if I let him! Washing he likes to help me sort matching socks, commenting on who's clothes it is etc. Before we come down in the mornings I make sure beds are made curtains open and rooms tidy, so I know they are done for the day and make sure I bring any water glasses etc down with me. Whenever I go up or down stairs or to another room I look around to see if there is something I can take with me to help tidy away. An hour before bed ds is allowed tv or iPad while I make sure all toys are tidied away. When dh comes home we are both clean tidy and ds in pjs teeth brushed etc so any time dh has with him is quality time. He does not ask this of me but doesn't really appreciate it. I can't have a relaxing evening if the house is a mess. However if we have guests at weekends even though the house will be completely tidy on Friday night dh and I share any mess that has happened since then to make sure it is tidy again. The more you do the more you find it just becomes habit and feels less and less like a chore as it happens automatically so the jobs don't accumulate so it is never a big task. It also may help if at weekends you both work at having a good declutter and make sure you get rid of the stuff you don't want immediately so it is not causing more clutter. Even if sometimes it means throwing stuff rather than charity shopping stuff or missing out on a couple of quid for it, just get it out of the house immediately. If you have less stuff there is less stuff to make a mess!

I agree with Ewe. And make sure he does at least two complete loads of washing in that time too.

I agree with above posters. Sometimes it's easy to imagine our partners are out having the time of their lives when they are going to work. I don't think trying to play games is helpful.

I'm no 50's housewife but I do make some effort throughout the day in small bursts to keep on top of too much, and when there children were little and here all the time, or now, when it's holidays, I encourage them to put their stuff away before they begin a new task.

There's a lot to be said for having "tidy up time' before dinner, half an hour or so of everyone mucking in to return things to how they should be.

Failing that, can you make sure there's one really nice tidy room so even if the kitchen needs work or the bathrooms need a clean, the living room is tidy and has had a hoover and the cushions arranged.

Then once he's home, has had a relax and some dinner, you can both zip around a little more once the kids are in bed before you relax for the evening?

Sort of a compromise - with a priority room type situation or something like that.

I try and do that, so even if the clean washing hasn't been put away, it's out of the way in a room upstairs rather than in piles on the sofa, and can be tackled the next day without being in our face, that kind of thing.

I'm at home with two kids and I keep the house tidy-ish. once in a while it might be a mess when my husband gets home but that's an exception rather than the rule. I used to be a total slob but being at home all day has made me change my habits. It was tough but worth it. I actually think it's important to teach kids how to clear up after themselves so whilst yours are too young to do it themselves I think setting a habit that once you have finished with something you put it away / clean up. So any type of messy play etc you would make tidying up part of the process (we have two tidy up songs that we sing to help). Same with meal times, I think it's important kids see tidying/cleaning/washing up as part of the mealtime process so build it into your routine. For you though I think it's worth trying to have a conversation about what annoys him the most and seeing if you can tweak that first to show willing and compromise and use it as an opportunity to also share what you would like him to do differently. In my house it was the great shoe standoff and talking about it meant we had to find a compromise.

For me he is being unreasonable, you have been doing stuff all day, I suspect other houseworky things are being done - washing, cleaning and so on - its the tidyness that irritates him - well you know its not the 1950's and if he wants pipe and slipper time when he gets in then he has to earn it, its not really how family life works is it. Frankly working outside the home is a piece of piss compared to a 2 1/2 yr old and a baby and doing all the things we are told we need to with them including Dr visits, baby groups, food shopping, cooking from scratch and so on.

I think there are a range of things here - what is he actually doing when home regarding housework and childcare - you say he is hands on - is he doing the bedtime routine? Its a family home not a show piece.

I would find him a corner for a cuppa or glass of wine when he gets in, hand over the baby & bottle for one on one time and then finish tea with 2.5yr old before a tidy up time. Hand him the 2.5yr old for bedtime routine and Daddy time, take baby back, have your cuppa then when baby in bed time for you too both cook and eat together...

Or is he seeing all that as your job. I do think he has unreasonable expectations, and my personal response would be either "Do you want me in lippy, heels and a fresh pinny too" or as others have said get him to take a week off while you go and do some "retraining" for work or something and have time out and see how he gets on

My dh is the same in that he values tidiness over cleanliness. I do a superficial "tidy" by clearing surfaces into carrier bags to keep him happy when it's starting to build up. (Can then go through the bags at quiet moments.) Quite often dh will wipe surfaces down / do bins etc when it's clear. So we both win in a way.

I don't think anyone here can judge without seeing how bad it actually is.

Everyone has got different standards. For example my ex would call the house a shithole if the bed was made but crumpled, or the cushions weren't straight, or there were a couple of cups in the sink.

Obviously the person at home all day should do the majority and keep the house ticking over, but looking after two young dc is a full time job in itself.

The only way to be sure would be to leave him in sole charge of the dc and house for a week.

RB68 - I think you may be underestimating the feling of being the sole financial provider for a household but I think you may be right about having a routine in place for his return. When he comes in, what should he do, what should you do etc? I think that would help enormously in this situation.

*feeling

The only way to be sure would be to leave him in sole charge of the dc and house for a week.

And by that token the op should go out and work and earn for that week so they both can understand each other's roles.

I'd be tempted to do no house work or his tea prep at all tomorrow so he could see the difference and then on Saturday go out all day so he can see real life with two under threes.

DP and I have similar sorts of discussions about housework.

He's out from 7 til 3 each day and both my dc are at school. However, I'm disabled and find it really hard to do very much without being utterly exhausted and in pain.

So if I've managed to do the washing, hoover and make dinner (and clean kitchen) then I think it's an achievement. He comes in and moans that I haven't dusted. (I fucking hate dusting!).

He also moans about the mess. The only mess I can see from where I'm sat is his. I've had to get my DD's to take his ironing pile upstairs as I've got friends coming over later. It's HIS paperwork piled on a table and it's his crap all over the coffee table. The last time I tidied his stuff up I shoved the whole bloody lot in a cupboard. It took him three days to wonder where it had gone.

This house is tidy. It's also pretty clean. It might be a tad dusty on the shelves but a) I don't want to dust and b) it's his stuff that's dusty. I do everything else. In my own time.

He wants to do a cleaning schedule for me. I told him I should shove it up his arse if he even dares to print one off :o