...or is DH - cleaning related

[29herzie]

Twice now this week ( Yes, only Wednesday now I know) DH has come home and been really grumpy about the 'tip' the house is in.

I am a SAHM to 2 DCs (2,6 and 6 months). DH works FT but starts early so is home at 5. I know I am rubbish at keeping the place tidy and we have always had very different ideas about it. I don't really care as long as things are fairly clean and hygienic. DH likes surfaces to be clear, but doesn't seem to see the dirt.
We've solved the problem recently by having a cleaner (waits for the flaming to begin). Unfortunately she is poorly at the moment so We are having to share it out.

I think he is being unreasonable as I think it is more important to spend time with the DCs. I find it really hard to get anything done unless I park them in front of CBeebies. Also me and DC1 like lots of messy play (cooking, gardening, painting) far more than cleaning. My argument is that it will still be there later to clean up when they've gone to bed (DC1 is supposed to help put her toys away and load the dishwasher but obviously most of it needs doing by us). Also I think that the timing doesn't help, 5 pm is DC1's teatime and the baby normally wants his bottle. I am trying to get our dinner on too. Or if we are out, we often arrive back just before this ( and if I try and clean up completely before we leave, we'd never leave the house). So, yes, he does often walk into chaos but I think that's just the way it is. Oh and I am trying to sort and sell baby stuff at the mo so there are bags and boxes all over the place.

He think is I am being a messy, lazy so and so who just sits on mumsnet all day... Leaving it all for him to do the moment he gets in...

I must stress that he is a 'hands on' dad and DH who does his share around the house, the AIBU is about attitudes to mess and timings

RB68
I think some of it is down to personality in how easy or hard you find it. As hard as I've found it so far with two little ones, I probably have more stress but at the same time more enjoyment than he does each day.

Thanks everyone. I like the ideas about a clear space and I am trying to arrange the day so we are organised for 5.

Just to say that I do do some house work during the day. I clean up and sweep after (nearly) every meal. I clean the bathroom and clean up after any messy play we do. I do laundry everyday. I Hoover. I think the problem is timing, I do my cleaning in the mornings mainly and clutter has built up again by the afternoon.

The kind of thing I mean is washing still on the line/ in the dryer. Dishwasher running and more stuff waiting to go in. DD eating her tea and spreading mess around her chair (again). Half made dinner on the kitchen surface? Toys spread out as I don't see the need to put them away before bed time. We also like real food, so I suppose I spend more time cooking than is strictly necessary ( DH only likes homemade bread...).

I also do night duty 6 nights a week ( DS is a rubbish sleeper and recently I've only been getting about 4 hours, half and hour at a time) while DH escapes to the spare room. So sometimes I am less than efficient during the day.

Sure, though I assume she has worked at some point in her life pre dc?

I've been a single parent working full time, so literally had to do it all. So to me having a full time job doesn't give you a ticket to put your feet up every evening, but a sahp should take the pressure off.

It really depends how bad the house is and how hard work the dc are.

If I tidied up as I/the DC went along all day, I would spend far, far more time tidying that I would if I left it until the end of the day. I get the DC to pitch in (how successful this is depends on the ages of the DC, and OP's younger ones are really small), but the bulk of the tidying is done after they go to bed. Its hard work having three young children, including a small baby. If they're happy, fed and stimulated at the end of the day, you've done well. The tidying can wait until the end of each day when you have the space to do it, or you'll end up re-doing it IME.

I agree that actually being the one who goes to work all week doesn't mean you have it easy. I have done it all, been the SAHM, been the WOHM whilst my husband was a SAHD, and been one of two parents both working full time. I found being the sole earner the most stressful. My job isn't a leave it at the door job so I still had to think about work in the evenings and you only get an hour or two max to see two kids who you have missed all day. It's not like her husband is sitting around drinking lattes all day. I get much more down time in my day that my husband does I reckon, even with a 3 year old and a baby. I'm mumsnet ting now, aren't i? The baby is in the jumperoo and his sister is drawing,

Surely a fair swap would be OP coming home every night after working to help clean.
Not going away for a whole weekend.

My DC1 is just about to turn 2 and I'm heavily pregnant with number 2- I'm dreading trying to get everything to the level that DH will be comfortable with when he gets in from work. I can't manage it now, how am i going to cope with 2 small ones?

Well going by your second post op I think yanbu.

Keeping a house is an ongoing process, it doesn't end at 5pm.

"he only likes homemade bread" and doesn't do nights , WTF I am sorry but I think he is being ridiculous , complaining about washing still being on the line and food being half prepped is ridiculous .

If it was all the paints and glue all over the table and nowhere to sit down or a clean cup for a cup of tea then that's no good, but homemade bread, half prepped food, he needs to get a grip.

My system with DH was that he could play with DD when he came in while I went and cleaned the kitchen, cooked dinner and did housework. I got more done than I could have managed around the baby and they got quality time! I do not expect him to do the housework after a busy day at work, I actually quite like housework if I can do it properly - I hate doing half a job, interrupted by feed, nappy, won't settle alone, realise I need to sort lunch, buy food for dinner and get back to my short task 5 hours later.

Oh and on 4 hours sleep with him in the spare room, he's lucky you're it taking to bed each day.

I'm on maternity leave at the moment with a 7 month old baby and a ten year old.

When Dd has her first nap I get dressed, wipe bathroom, make bed, put yesterday's clean washing away, sort the rabbits, wash up, sweep the floor and put washing on. If the food waste bin or recycling needs emptying I do that too. She only sleeps for half an hour so I have to be quick. If I haven't finished then I give her some toys to occupy her while I do. The house is then relatively clean and tidy. After lunch it looks like a bombs gone off again and when she's having her third nap I'll wash up and sweep the floor, deal with washing etc.

If Dp is working late it gets to 4pm and I'm trying to cook tea and Dd decides that no she doesn't want to play she wants attention so starts crying. Last night he was working late so I made dinner, fed us all and took Dd to bed pretty much straight after at 6 because she was tired and grumpy. I came back down at 7 and again it looked like a bomb had gone off. There were toys all over the living room floor, dishes all over the kitchen, the dining room floor was covered in food and the washing needed to come in. So I cleaned up again for the third time and Dp came home to a clean and tidy house.

If he's not working late then he entertains Dd while I cook then either puts Dd to bed or cleans up. He wouldn't dare moan at me if its not tidy.

I'm with your DH too. I really hate walking into a messy house after a day at work. DH sometimes have the DC all day and he leaves it messier than I would like. But he does make an effort to tidy up. The dishes are all put away. Only mess would be the toys.

29herzie if roles were reversed and it was you coming in from work and he'd been caring for the kids all day what eould you expect? After all it works both ways and he has to accommodate your standards too.
TBH to me your description of your day sounds organised, tidy and responsive to your kids needs.

I only like homemade bread too. It's not hard to fill the bread machine? Can he not do it himself?

I think it's 50/50.

It's not fair to spend all day doing messy play and not tidy up afterwards. I don't think it's a good lesson for your DC either - if they make a mess, they need to be involved in tidying up. Putting rubbish in the bin, putting paintbrushes to soak, tidying up the paint pots or whatever. I think if you want to spend your day doing messy activities, that's great, but you need to factor in tidying up before you move on to the next thing. It means the mess at the end of the day is less overwhelming, and teaches your DC good habits. Likewise with the boxes, they need to be kept somewhere where they're not taking over the living space.

But, your DH does need to to remember that children are unpredictable and sometimes you won't have had time to tidy up. Tantrums, colds, toddler groups etc. are all part of having young children and it's not always as simple as "put them in front of CBeebies". He can't expect to walk into a spotless house every single day - life with small children is chaotic, especially when you have a breastfed baby and a toddler at home with you all day.

She's said that she does tidy up after messy play.

Why a breastfed baby? Do bottle fed babies not need feeding? Not to mention washing sterilising and making bottles.

I'm with your DH. I work 4 long days and I find mess stressful. I don't mind helping tidy and doing cleaning when I get back but a total bomb site would annoy me. It's not hard to clean up as you go along in my view, so I guess you have to come to a compromise.

Sephinee - nope - been there done that as well. And yes had my daughter at the time and was commuting Midlands to London - it was still easier to go to work in my view.

As a Mum I doubt you would find many that expect to walk into an immaculate house and have a sit down straight from work - usually they end up tidying and wiping down the kitchen, or going to the oo giving it a once over while in there etc

I think its time we recognised how all consuming looking after small kids and a house is - we might have modern appliances to help but in days gone by it was always the work of more than one for the middle classes

Of course they do but think hermione was referring to the sheer amount of time feeding, which can be unpredictable as opposed to a bottle fed baby in a routine.

YANBU at all. Your kids are only young for such a short time. I have a 2,5 yo and 5mo and I choose to Cook rather than tidy. I do loads of laundry. I breastfeed both. I take them to the park or an activity most days. I have my own things to do - attend professional development talks and read journals/professional articles. I also value clean over tidy - DH values tidy over clean. He hates having to pay for a cleaner. But equally hates picking up after himself. I clean where I can but don't allow the kids to watch TV so no 'alternate' babysitter. IF their bedtime routine happens on time then there are a few hours to clean at night but DH prefers to watch telly. I feel that I NEVER get a chance to sit and my tea is always microwaved at least 3 times! In the last 2,5 years I have never slept longer than 3 hours.

i like the suggestion above that hubby should have a 'sanctuary' that is cleans and tidy where he can chill for a short while on coming home from his full time job. But then after that you should get some time to chill there as a break from your full time job. I also like the idea of leaving them with him for a Saturday and then see what he says. Mine couldn't deal with them both at the same time when I had Physio for an hour. And when we only had one child, he could just about deal with him, let alone make beds, do laundry OR cook (replace with AND for me!) ... I used to work every Saturday ans Sunday after baby number one and had to bring takeout home everyday.

Bottle fed babies are fed whenever they are hungry just like breastfed babies.

People who decide to feed their babies to a schedule can breastfeed too.

Oh and did I mention the washing, sterilising and making bottles.

Your dh is being U.

You are tidying, he's just not seeing it or understanding how you are juggling things. So what if he walks in half way through tea being made, a load in the dishwasher and your toddler eating. He should roll up his sleeves and muck in.

Oh and they would both be in their pjs still and breakfast dishes would still be sitting on kitchen sink with beds unmade.

Enough said.