To be gutted we can't accept the house

[Ange246]

Not sure if it's really an Aibu but anyway I'd just like somebody else's opinions on the matter. I'm married with three kids, the youngest we suspect has additional needs and is currently undergoing assessment. We currently live in a private rented house but have stayed on the council list and have been bidding for properties for the last couple of years in the hope of getting somewhere in the area we live now. The main reason for wanting to get a house with the council is that our youngest is continually causing damage to our house and we are worried that if the landlord sees it he will want us out. We repair things as and when we can afford it but i constantly feel on edge with it not being our own home. Our landlord also won't agree to us having door locks fitted which we do need as our son escapes and runs off so I'm on pins.

So we continued to bid but unfortunately the area we live now is very popular so we've not been offered anywhere. Talking to my dh we decided that maybe we should try bidding in other areas close by just to see if we get anywhere more than anything, as we no that if we are offered somewhere and then change our minds it won't go against us. So we thought we'd try and well we've been offered somewhere. It's a three bed house around three miles from were we live now and it's seems a nice house and the area is ok.

I got rather excited until I remembered one little detail. We apply for secondary school for our daughter thisbSeptember and as it stands she has got two good choices of schools were she could get into either. You see her older brother is at a secondary school a two minute walk away from here but my dd wants to go to the high school her primary feeds into and I'm afraid if we move to the house we've been offered she won't stand a chance of getting into her first choice high school or her brother's school which will be her second choice.

Sorry if I'm being confusing. Basically my older two kids went to our local primary school a two minute walk away from our house. Due to my Dd being bullied I decided to pull her out a couple of years ago and she started at another school around a five minute drive away, her brother was in year 6 and leaving for high school himself that year so it worked out great. The other local schools (within a couple of minutes walk) didn't have a place for my dd so we got her into another school in the next town were she's settled lovely and is happy.

Now the school she goes to is the unofficial feeder school to a brilliant Catholic secondary school and she wants to go there if possible. 90% of her classmates should move to the school and despite living further away than some of her friends she still stands a good chance as she's baptised and we live within one of the four named parishes. Well the problem is if we move we'll no longer live within one of the parishes and my dd will then stand no chance of getting a place.

Another issue is that if we move my dd will also be less of a priority for her brother's secondary school (our 2nd choice). You see my son's school prioritise children who attend the three names feeder primary schools (one of which I pulled my daughter out of) first, then siblings and then all other children. So as she doesn't go to one of the feeder schools anymore she'll only get a place as her brother already attends and from what I heard last year some brothers and sisters didn't get a place as they lived too far away.

So I'm in a pickle really. If we stay were we are my dd will have more a less an equal chance for both schools but if we move she'll stand zero chance of getting a place at the first school and it'll be touch and go for the second school. It's such as shame as if we had have been offered this house further on in the year say after I'd applied for school in October then I wouldn't think twice of accepting the house but now as it stands there's no way we can accept. AIBU for moaning? As i'm genuinely disappointed. But my dd comes first and I can't jeopardise her chances of getting into a local good school can I.

Fruity of course that's no what I'm implying. It's in no way ok what our son has done to this house. We are at our wits end and it's got that bad now that I hate spending time in my home. We of course don't let him get away with it, he does have boundaries and we stick to a routine to help him keep calm. I can't describe it really, unless you've got a child with anxiety, developmental problems, AsD etc it's hard to understand.

The distance from the house we are in now to dd's first choice school is actually the same from the house we've been offered just in a different direction. Im a sahm at the minute so driving my kids to school isn't a problem and my dh works shifts so is home a lot in the mornings. Although when I do go back to work it would then be a bus ride home for my older two kids just coming from two different directions.

"I feel terrible that my landlords house is in such a state"

If you did decide to take the move, can you afford to repair your landlord's house before you give it back? (I'm guessing that your deposit wouldn't cover the damage).

If the bully has moved away, would your daughter consider moving back to the local school for year 6, if there were places available? I know it would be horrible for her to leave a class/school where she's happy, but if she was with her old friends again, and knew that it meant she would then go on to senior school with her old friends rather than the unknown prospect of a new secondary, perhaps she would think it was worth it.

Also for the church school, do they have to be baptised CofE? Some church schools are inclusive of other religions rather than being specifically CofE.

Our deposit is over £700 but no it wouldn't cover the damage. I guess it would be double that. We'd struggle to repair everything in one go but we have an empty credit card and parents we could lean on if we were desperate.

That's a lot of damage to hide from the landlord with no intent to repair unless forced too. Perhaps if you repaired it wouldn't mean living in fear of the landlord turning up. Maybe not working is a luxury you can't afford?

Hi. No unfortunately that wouldn't be an option. I have her five year old brother at the school now too and despite only being on paper a five minute drive away the reality is with traffic on the drive home it can be 15 mins so I wouldn't make it in time. When I moved my dd two years ago my youngest was already in the nursery attached to her old primary school so every day i was late picking him up so in the end I had to pay for my son to go to after school club for a year. I couldn't go through that again lol x

Ange, I would really consider hard before you turn this house down. With the way things have gone with local authority housing and budgets I would be afraid things could get far worse and you could land up much farther down a list by the time your daughter was in a secondary, and would have missed this chance.

My DS is severely autistic along with other issues and I completely get your difficulties (difficulties seems an inadequate word for it really). We were very lucky and offered a council house q few years ago. It's made far far more of a positive difference to DS and me than I would have predicted.

For one thing any equipment you need for his needs can be properly installed - DS has this bed www.safespaces.co.uk/safespace/ You can't tell in the picture but the side and ceiling are made of white netting and it's completely safe for him while I'm asleep. We were also able to put a soft floor in part of the house.

And not having to be on edge over someone else's house and things is a big relief. Plus of course your lock on the door (in the meantime would one of those door alarms that go off when the door is opened by any good? People bring them to hotels so they must be detachable).

It would have been easier for DS to adapt to the change of moving as young as possible too.

and and for you. It isn't a good state to be in, for your physical or mental health, to be on edge constantly, it wears you down. Anything at all you can do to reduce the stress of the situation for you and your husband, I'd think about making that the priority to benefit all your children and yourselves overall.

by year 6 she might be more independent about being able to walk to friends/neighbours/new home (depending where it is) or go to after school clubs etc, or even just wait after school somewhere near for you

Fruity are you serious? The reason I quit my job initially was because my sons hours were reduced at nursery and he eventually got kicked out of after school club too as he was physically attacking the teachers and other kids. He's now in school and I'm still be called in to deal with him as currently he has no one to one teaching assistant and they're struggling to manage him.

When I was working full time along with my dh coming home after a 9 hour day and then trying to cope with our son almost killed me. I had no energy and I felt ill all of the time.

We had previously never claimed any tax credits as we earned too much but we decided that it would be best for me to take some time out of the work place to support our son and yes we now claim what we are TOLD we are entitled to. If you really think that being at home full time with a child who has additional needs then you are completely and utterly deluded.

I've got no idea how religious schools work but could you explain the situation with the bullying with your daughter and your son's issues to the vicar? Surely the church could cut you some slack given the circumstances.

Thank you. I appreciate your advice and opinions on the matter. Well the people who actually bothered to give advice instead of trying to belittle me and my life choices.

If you accept the house, when would you move? Or rather, when would you need to pay rent from? If there's family who'll help you out financially if you need it, could you keep your current property and the Council one? Assuming it'd be around 6 months where you'd need to stay in your current house.

While 'playing the system' is greatly frowned upon, I can't see that's any difference than people who own their houses delaying house moves until they've applied for school places.

Over £700 wouldn't be enough! On top of "thousands on it last year"!

What is he doing? How old/big is he?

You desperately need some help. Apart from the fact that it is absolutely not on to allow someone else's property to be treated like this, especially knowing that you cannot afford to put it right, it must be awful for you all to live in this way.

Does your son go to school and, if so, can the school support you in accessing some external help?

I could Maisy but I don't think it'd do much good. One of my friends went to appeal last year as the school she'd chosen didn't offer her dd a place. The only reason she wanted the school was that she didn't want her dd going to the local school as that's were the kids who bullied her dd were going. The appeal committee said it wasn't a good enough reason and rejected the appeal.

I wonder if the school you wish your DD to attend has a priority 'social need' category that you could possibly use when you apply?

I would seriously consider taking the property you have been offered. It seems that a secure tenancy would make a world of difference in terms of both supporting your DS and your own mental health. Your current situation sounds massively stressful. It could be months or years or never before you are offered another council property.

that's not how appeals work, though. You could post in the secondary education forum and get specific advice on what does constitute a good appeal, if it comes to it. But before then, there might be social/medical grounds that she would qualify on - which would need to be mentioned at the time of application, not at the time of appeal. It is worth checking the admission criteria and dates very carefully. And consider whether she could do a year back at the school, with support from old friends/neighbours/clubs. A year 6 child is a very different prospect in terms of collecting/being able to go places alone.

I don't think Fruity is being serious OP, tbh. Maybe just don't engage and have your thread derailed. Don't waste energy or headspace dealing with posts like that where what you're saying seems to be persistently misread to a fairly incredible degree ;)...Just focus on your thoughts on all the other posts that may offer useful suggestions. (easier said than done I know).

It is awful, it really is. Me and my dh are so upset about it. We are usually very house proud and now we are embarased to have people over. The damage to the house includes holes to the walls were our son has thrown toys at them, two broken radiators were he has thrown my oldest twos desk chairs down the stiairs. The bedroom carpets barr one are all wrecked as he has tipped toiletries onto them and rubbed them in. We have a chunk of plastic missing out of front door as he kicked it with his roller boots and we've been told it can't be repaired so we'd need the door stripping and re surfaced at a cost of £200, the list is endless.

I'm not proud of any of this and believe me I'm a firm but fair parent but my Ds does not respond to any discipline techniques we use. We get no help at present as his assessment was suspended and has only just now started again so we are on our own trying to cope.

Thank you. Honestly how can she even think that just because I don't work at present my life is a luxury and some sort of continuous party? I used to love working but this last year has changed me. My mental health is shot to shit and since my dh changed his job (he was made redundant) and now works shifts the only way I could work is at a weekend (which I'm looking into) as I have zero family help. I mean how dare she judge me like that.

If you have empty credit cards and parents to lean on would it be a possibility to pay rent on 2 houses? No idea how much that would be?! Nowhere near ideal but at least you keep your current address for applying to schools and also don't lose the new house ! I know money doesn't grow on trees before anyone flames me!!

It really sounds so stressful op. I think you should seriously consider the house though. Your DD will have moved on soon enough and this bully might too. It seems like this move might be better overall for the family as you aren't under pressure and your ds might have a more relaxed environment.

It sounds like the stress of being evicted is going to be huge, and that would be a massive reason in favour of taking the new house. I would post on the secondary school forum, where there are experts on admissions who will give really good advice about whether/how to apply under a social/medical category - what kind of evidence, who it needs to be from, what it needs to say, etc. - to see if that is possible. And if it doesn't work, they also give very good advice on how to appeal and what are considered good grounds - saying that you don't want the allocated school is one of the worst things to say, as it's all about why you want the appeal school. There are lots of things that you can use to build up a good case for appeal, if you have the right advice. But you need to try for social/medical grounds etc at the time of application if possible, and check criteria very carefully to see if there's anything else you can do to help (changing schools, church support, etc).

If I knew for sure she'd get a place at her 2nd choice school where my son goes then I wouldn't even have to contemplate moving, I'd be gone in a second. It's just a shame the school changed its criteria and decided siblings shouldn't be first priority.