AIBU to think MIL should have checked with me first?

[FlyChickie]

Let's set the scene: when DD was 5 weeks old, MIL came to stay and meet her new DGD. I had DD sleeping on her back downstairs. On being asked by MIL why DD not on tummy, I explained SIDS, statistics, small babies etc. I go upstairs to shower, come back down and MIL had put DD on her tummy. When I turned her around explaining, yet again, why DD doesn't go on tummy, MIL just turns her back on me...

So, fast forward : MIL lives in another country and comes to stay for DD's first birthday. Arrives late at night, DD in bed. No questions as to what the routine is, how does the morning work, brekkie etc. Now, we have worked bloody hard to ensure DD sleeps through the night and doesn't wake before 7am. Sometimes (rarely) she gets a bottle in bed at 06:30 and goes back to sleep - judge me if you will but that's our routine, it works and everybody's happy.

Morning after MIL arrives I hear DD stirring at 06:30, I prepare a bottle and go to her room only to find MIL in there with her up and out of the cot. I explained (nicely) it was too early, DD was getting a bottle in bed, and that DD would sleep another hour or so, as per her routine. MIL says no, she's up now, I'll take her into bed with me. I explain, again, no, DD, and everybody else, is getting back into bed. Cue MIL saying she didn't know what time it was...

I am all too aware that MIL does not see her DGD often and when she does see her they need loads of cuddle time and quality time and all the lovely special things a grandmother does with their DGC, like getting involved with mealtimes etc. However, all I ask is that she checks with me, or DH, what the routine is. If she wants to get up with DD fine, but on our terms, or at least the terms we have worked hard to ensure - not hers because she thinks it's better.

AIBU to feel that maybe she could at least have checked with me first before bailing into the room like she owns my DD owns the place??

YANBU. I found breaking a routine just once or twice was enough to fuck it up so I would have done exactly the same. It doesn't matter if she doesn't see her often etc, the point is she is doing what she wants regardless of what her DGDs parents actually say. And this isn't on. Posters are always telling people to nip things in the bud and this is what you are doing. If you don't set boudaries for your MIL now, she will continue to do as she pleases. If this was a problem in a few years, you'd be told to put your foot down! The fact it's only 2 examples shouldn't matter as there is clearly more.

I really hope I don't get to be a grandma as the whole thing seems to be a pain in the arse.
If I do, I hope I can have open and honest communications with my dd and/or Ds and their partners as I couldn't deal with all this shit.
Are gps really this involved with gcs? I think it's totally up to the parents to set limits. My dh and I did when our dcs were little and we had the odd issue but nothing we couldn't resolve with talking to the gps.

What is it with some GPs that they think THEIR opinion is the final say on everything? I agree that it's like they want a second chance at parenting. It is entirely inappropriate, disrespectful and rude. Back off and respect the PARENTS' wishes. OP's MIL was completely in the wrong. Besides, why should the OP then spend days / weeks getting her DC back into a routine just because poor Grandma (roll eyes) wanted 6.30am cuddles for a few days. FFS, it's ridiculous.

Well, it could always be worse, OP. Out2pasture could be your MIL.

I would love to know her DIL's username.

Seriously - she does sound a bit trying, but on the other hand, she lives a long way away. As someone with two awful sleepers myself, I do know the frantic anxiety at the idea it could be disrupted... but if you managed to get her to sleep that well before, you can do it again. And it probably is quite hard for MIL to see her GC so rarely.

The back sleeping thing was bad, though. That crosses a lot of lines.

Besides, why should the OP then spend days / weeks getting her DC back into a routine just because poor Grandma (roll eyes) wanted 6.30am cuddles for a few days. FFS, it's ridiculous

Wow. That's pretty unpleasant.

I have to say (as a grandma) that I am truly shocked by the idea that your MIL turned your sleeping child over against your wishes - that is dreadful.

I can understand what her thought processes were as it was dinned into us that as a mother that you should never put a baby down on its back as it might choke on its own regurge. But to go against the mother's wishes like that is outrageous!

All my DDs laid their babes down on their backs, and I used to find it hard to watch because of the way that we were indoctrinated, but I would not have dreamt of interfering. You are right to be pissed off.

Just out of interest, my third born narrowly missed choking to death at age 24 hours when she somehow rolled onto her back and choked on her own vomit. I had just gone for a pee and came back and found her blue and choking - she survived I am happy to say, but I am always glad that it was not a bath that I had gone for, as it could have been a very different story. Luckily my OH was a doctor and he was able to get her going again. Scary moment! - and hard for me not to remember that whilst watching my DGC being put down on their backs! But I zipped my lip!

First - how is that unpleasant? The MIL wanted to deny her GC extra sleep. MIL decided her wants trumped her GC's needs of a good sleep, that to me is very selfish. MIL can wait another bloody hour or so to get her cuddles.

YANBU about either! I'm actually surprised how many on here are saying otherwise. "No, she's up, I'm taking her to bed with me"? I don't think so!

"Just out of interest, my third born narrowly missed choking to death at age 24 hours when she somehow rolled onto her back and choked on her own vomit. I had just gone for a pee and came back and found her blue and choking - she survived I am happy to say, but I am always glad that it was not a bath that I had gone for, as it could have been a very different story. Luckily my OH was a doctor and he was able to get her going again. Scary moment! - and hard for me not to remember that whilst watching my DGC being put down on their backs! But I zipped my lip!"

Mishaps I like your respect for your daughter's choices, and for those of the OP. But your comment above seems weird - I take your point about the regurgitation, and I did let mine sleep on tummy (mainly because sleep came much easier that way!) But would you honestly have gone for a bath leaving a one-day-old unsupervised? I know you're being hypothetical, but that jumped out at me. Not sure what the advice was when your LOs were small, but now it's that babies should be in the same room as you for at least the first 3 months! The regurgitation risk is therefore lessened, and the SIDS risk can also be mitigated by sleeping on back.

The MIL wanted to deny her GC extra sleep. MIL decided her wants trumped her GC's needs of a good sleep, that to me is very selfish.

There is a lot of over reaction on both sides on this thread.

The MIL wasn't denying her the extra sleep or anything. She heard her up so went in. Probably though she was doing the right thing. Getting her up and having a cuddle so the OP and her dh didn't have to.

The OP didn't tell her the routine. Which, imo, she should have if its so strict and absolutely has to be stuck to.

I would hate my mil to stay in my house and be scared of upsetting me. If We need her to follow something with the kid, we just tell her. I don't get on that well with mil. But I wouldn't want her feeling she has to ask permission to do every little thing, with the kids.

It's fairly normal for a child to be gotten up when it wakes at 6.30am (not saying you have to get the baby up then), I can see why mil didn't think it would upset anyone. And I am sure her plan wasn't to deny anybody anything.

The second can't be separated from the first event. YANBU

curren my eldest is 21. I don't find the bath comment all that odd; in the hospital the midwife said to me "take your baby with you to the bathroom because we can't guarantee security even though there's an intercom system". The community midwives said to me "you can have a bath and do your jobs when the baby is asleep" and then we were advised to put them to sleep in their cot.

My DS slept in his cot straight away. I used to pop him in there in the moses basket during the day when he slept. At night when he cried from 7pm to at least midnight for the first six weeks I slept semi propped up on the sofa, with him cuddled on my chest. Very much the wrong thing to do now but the mantra then was if it works and you are both sleeping and well do what works for you.

For the first couple of weeks I could have a bath because DH or my mother were there. After that I used to put the baby in his cot (in the room next door) and have a bath. We were up at 6am; he was tired by 8.45am and ready for a nap. It seemed a good idea because it taught him to settle. He used to go off for about 2/3 hours. I did my jobs in that time. Him in the cot, me with the monitor and in the rest of the house. From about six weeks he slept in his cot at night, in the nursery. That was not in the least bit unusual. We were advised to put them to sleep on their backs though.

Sorry that should have been Japanese Slipper. Oh for an "edit" button like the enemy.

I completely agree with curren when someone stays at your house if you have rules/routines that need to be followed its up to you to tell the guest. No guest goes to someone's house and says "right so what's the routine?"

Possibly once told the routine mil could have been a bit more polite with her answer and said "let me take her for her bottle and a little cuddle" but ultimately mil was just wanting to spend some time with her grand daughter. Personally I wouldn't have fought it, and would have enjoy the peace and quiet whilst grandma was in charge for a bit.

curren my eldest is 21. I don't find the bath comment all that odd;

I didn't mention a bath comment

I'd kill for a regular 6.30 wake up and OP is right - you didn't 'work' at it, you're just lucky to have a child that likes to sleep.

I'm with coconut

But some people do have to work at it sula it's not always, or just down to luck. If op has done any form of sleep training then it's something they've actively had to put effort in to work at.

The second point sounds like you're being unreasonable toward her grandmother, if she was your mother I'm sure you wouldn't have reacted like that. Why are people so intolerant towards inlaws. It's hardly like she was getting DD up at 5.30 Actually think the reason is because of lack of good communication between people.