AIBU to think MIL should have checked with me first?

[FlyChickie]

Let's set the scene: when DD was 5 weeks old, MIL came to stay and meet her new DGD. I had DD sleeping on her back downstairs. On being asked by MIL why DD not on tummy, I explained SIDS, statistics, small babies etc. I go upstairs to shower, come back down and MIL had put DD on her tummy. When I turned her around explaining, yet again, why DD doesn't go on tummy, MIL just turns her back on me...

So, fast forward : MIL lives in another country and comes to stay for DD's first birthday. Arrives late at night, DD in bed. No questions as to what the routine is, how does the morning work, brekkie etc. Now, we have worked bloody hard to ensure DD sleeps through the night and doesn't wake before 7am. Sometimes (rarely) she gets a bottle in bed at 06:30 and goes back to sleep - judge me if you will but that's our routine, it works and everybody's happy.

Morning after MIL arrives I hear DD stirring at 06:30, I prepare a bottle and go to her room only to find MIL in there with her up and out of the cot. I explained (nicely) it was too early, DD was getting a bottle in bed, and that DD would sleep another hour or so, as per her routine. MIL says no, she's up now, I'll take her into bed with me. I explain, again, no, DD, and everybody else, is getting back into bed. Cue MIL saying she didn't know what time it was...

I am all too aware that MIL does not see her DGD often and when she does see her they need loads of cuddle time and quality time and all the lovely special things a grandmother does with their DGC, like getting involved with mealtimes etc. However, all I ask is that she checks with me, or DH, what the routine is. If she wants to get up with DD fine, but on our terms, or at least the terms we have worked hard to ensure - not hers because she thinks it's better.

AIBU to feel that maybe she could at least have checked with me first before bailing into the room like she owns my DD owns the place??

I don't think your unreasonable about either issue, and I never worried about any routine.

The second one would have been fine with dd1. She was able to accept that different people mean different things from a very early age. Dd2 would have made a fuss about being taken into bed for weeks. Yes I do mean weeks... I mistakenly taught her the sign for chocolate at about a year. It was hilarious for about 24 hours. She then asked for chocolate ( by sign and later by speech) for every single meal for about 18 months. I never, even on the first day gave it her for a meal but she was determined...

A more reasonable child was the baby I nannied. At about 8 months, his mum went off in the car with the buggy in the boot. So I used the sling. Never had tried the sling before, his mum hadn't used the sling since he was newborn.
For the next week he screamed to high Heaven if put in the buggy. He'd never made any fuss whatsoever before that. He screamed for whoever put him in.

One morning of "special treat" can take days to undo.

Luckily DD is happy to see anyone and we're happy for anyone to dig in and get involved. I used the first issue just to set the scene...I could have put in loads others but don't want to bore everyone!

I did feel a little bit U but DH agreed with me that MIL shouldn't have gone in. We didn't say anything as MIL's time is so precious with her DGC.

Agree, I probably should have said to her here's the bottle, knock yourself out, I'm going back to bed!

YANBU she sounds very entitled.

The first instance was a bit off- she asked you why dd was on her back, you explained, then she just turned her over- not ok. She clearly thought what you were doing was just for shits and giggles and she took it upon herself to just undermine you for the sake of it.

No questions as to what the routine is, how does the morning work, brekkie etc. Now, we have worked bloody hard to ensure DD sleeps through the night and doesn't wake before 7am.

With this ^ though, I would have told her you have a strict routine with dd and its best if she stays in bed in the morning. Then if she went in anyway it would be a clear violation of your wishes. However, she did just go into her room and wake her up, who does that?

Has she done anything like this before?

Yanbu! There are lots of things my mil has done and still tries to do that upsets me!

"She is your child's grandma, not the mother. Why on earth should she take YOUR baby into HER bed before its time to get up?"

Because the baby was awake anyway and that way the parents could go back to sleep?

i think your intervention for the future should be proportionate. What I mean is if it is something like the tummy sleeping, that's a deal breaker. From your account, her attitude was appalling. But half an hour early if it doesn't screw with the routine long term, fine. It really depends on how often your mil oversteps, if it is a lot, I expect you will need to intervene at times. However she's probably so enthusiastic to see her gc and that bond is important for your child and her visits so rare, I would try to ignore her idiosyncrasies. Is she from a different culture?
She brought your DH into the world and however annoying she may be, she made him for you so to speak. I know she's a mum with more experience. Maybe like mine she has nothing to teach you but just maybe she does.

Tell her the routine, then she knows.

Because the baby was awake anyway and that way the parents could go back to sleep?

But the baby would have gone back to sleep after her bottle as OP said. OP had told grandma this and grandma still said "no" and that she was taking her back to her own bed! Bizarre.

Sorry I mean my mother has nothing to teach me. My mil passed away years ago sadly and way before I was even married let alone a mother.

Yanbu, I'd be hacked off too. I doubt my mil would be so oblivious to our wishes / routine.
We don't allow our dd up until gro clock wakes at 7 and those our the rules we will stick too.

The first thing would annoy yes. But as a PP said that's dealt with and done.

The second thing is just nothing. All our kids GP's live in other cities. We accept that when they visit or we visit them sleep goes a bit wonky. They stay up later, get up earlier and get spoiled rotten. It's what GP do. And once they aren't in the picture the kids quickly realise it's 'back to normal' as far as routine goes. Let her enjoy her DGD. That time in the morning is alone time for them. It's nice.

And I'm quite shocked actually that you were just called evil above. You are not evil that's bloody ridiculous

Really Out2pasture? She sounds evil? Over reaction much?

The "evil" remark is completely ridiculous. Obviously.

I'm going to say this gently as someone who had an absolute rigid routine, who really hated it when people picked up my baby without asking first (my mother was terrible for this), and who felt that things should be done my way or they were wrong.

none of it is important. Even the tummy thing, while absolutely infuriating at the time, you were in the same room as your baby, she was highly, highly unlikely to die of sids in the time you were there - during a nap. While your mil was clearly wrong to make assumptions, she wasn't being deliberately wrong iyswim. Times have changed, and in twenty years time we will be the MILs talking about how "back in our day, they did X and y," and not understanding why things have changed so dramatically.... And things will have changed....

We all go through this sort of thing. Things which seem vitally important to us at the time when they're little really, really aren't. My DS is thirteen now, and I look back and cringe at some of the things I thought were somehow violations, undermining, and vitally important.

This is small stuff. It really, really is. You're not wrong for thinking the way you do per se, on the basis that most of us have been there. But in years to come you will look back and thing "in hindsight, I was a bit precious about xyz," I promise. [smile[.

Agree, I probably should have said to her here's the bottle, knock yourself out, I'm going back to bed!

Definitely!!!!

However, she did just go into her room and wake her up, who does that?

Where did the OP say she woke the baby up?

I think the OP is being controlling and ott with her routine.
As a gran that visits twice a year, I want sweet baby cuddles.

Evil? I have officially seen the greatest over reaction on mumsnet ever!

Seriously, what a load of bollocks!

So the op is ott, yet you calling her evil...isn't? Brilliant!

Fuck me...evil... Really?

Did I miss the bit where she drowned a basket of puppies in frustration over her mil?

Luckily DD is happy to see anyone and we're happy for anyone to dig in and get involved but you're not really are you, it's only on you're terms and your routine which you are expecting people to guess.