AIBU to think MIL should have checked with me first?

[FlyChickie]

Let's set the scene: when DD was 5 weeks old, MIL came to stay and meet her new DGD. I had DD sleeping on her back downstairs. On being asked by MIL why DD not on tummy, I explained SIDS, statistics, small babies etc. I go upstairs to shower, come back down and MIL had put DD on her tummy. When I turned her around explaining, yet again, why DD doesn't go on tummy, MIL just turns her back on me...

So, fast forward : MIL lives in another country and comes to stay for DD's first birthday. Arrives late at night, DD in bed. No questions as to what the routine is, how does the morning work, brekkie etc. Now, we have worked bloody hard to ensure DD sleeps through the night and doesn't wake before 7am. Sometimes (rarely) she gets a bottle in bed at 06:30 and goes back to sleep - judge me if you will but that's our routine, it works and everybody's happy.

Morning after MIL arrives I hear DD stirring at 06:30, I prepare a bottle and go to her room only to find MIL in there with her up and out of the cot. I explained (nicely) it was too early, DD was getting a bottle in bed, and that DD would sleep another hour or so, as per her routine. MIL says no, she's up now, I'll take her into bed with me. I explain, again, no, DD, and everybody else, is getting back into bed. Cue MIL saying she didn't know what time it was...

I am all too aware that MIL does not see her DGD often and when she does see her they need loads of cuddle time and quality time and all the lovely special things a grandmother does with their DGC, like getting involved with mealtimes etc. However, all I ask is that she checks with me, or DH, what the routine is. If she wants to get up with DD fine, but on our terms, or at least the terms we have worked hard to ensure - not hers because she thinks it's better.

AIBU to feel that maybe she could at least have checked with me first before bailing into the room like she owns my DD owns the place??

YABVVVVVU about it all, except sleeping on front.
I didn't care who did what if somebody came to visit us and give us a break.
I just gave my mum and mil free reign, you can always get them back into routine.

Yanbu re the tummy thing.

However, I wouldn't expect someone staying to ask what the routine is. It sounds far too formal. And I'd certainly not consider someone who gets up, after a long journey and late arrival the night before, to care for my child allowing me to have longer on bed.
I'd have probably yelled from my bed - cheers MIl, milk is in fridge she probably wants a bottle now.
And a week of routine changing for mil visit is very unlikely to have a long term affect on your DD.

Oh dear, how on earth will you cope when the clocks go back?

Oh but I am evil...to the bone...hence the AIBU post

Maybe I should start a post:
AIBU for thinking being called evil IU?
Bahahahahaha...

I thought evil was much kinder than inconsiderate

I'm a bit of a lazy shite so when MIL comes to stay I love it that the DCs go and meddle in her bedroom with their nerf guns and swords and light sabres and mad fancy dress costumes and leave me to sleep in an extra hour.

YANBU about the newborn tummy sleeping; I'm laid-back but that would've had me spitting fire if it happened more than once. The waking up at 6.30am thing is less of an issue, but if you really do feel you're being undermined, say something. Not accusatory, just an "I feel like ...when you do..." so that it's you, not her you're talking about. She can't get cross if you're telling her how you feel. And if she does, tell her to get a grip.

Sounds like a bit of a power struggle. I get her excitement but it does feel horrible being overruled in your own house over your own baby's routine.

I think you should be grateful your MIL got up to look after the baby. Mine came downstairs at 9.30 expecting the table set and the kettle on.

You are v lucky to have a one year old who sleeps until 7.30 will a bottle at 6.30.

Birds up, me up! The birds will be up before 4 soon.

You have very little to complain about except the tummy business.

No 2 might teach you

I think you are a little to hung up on your routine. My df lives a long way away and visits rarely, when he does the routine goes out the window so he and dd can enjoy some time together. Relax a little, let dd enjoy her grandma, grandma enjoy her grand daughter and you and dh enjoy some peace.

OP, you should have told your MIL the routine before she went to bed the night she arrived if it was important. YABU on that one.

I'm a bit at the poster who couldn't see why a granny would want morning cuddles with her grandchild.
MIL lives on the opposite side of the world to us. When DD was 3 months she came to stay for a month to meet her new grandchild. At that stage, DD would wake early, have a big feed, and then go back to sleep between 7.00am and 10.00. I loved those lazy mornings and big cuddles, but I gave most of them, for that month, to MIL. I'd feed DD, give her a short cuddle (half hour or so), and then carry her into MIL who would snuggle up with her in bed. When DD woke, MIL would bring her downstairs after playing with her for half an hour or so.
DD is now 7. MIL has seen her 3 times since then. She still talks about those mornings she had with DD.
As for me, I've not lacked cuddles with DD, any routines have long since gone, and I'm just pleased I could give MIL some memories with DD that she treasures because she has precious few opportunities to make those.

But it might help that I love MIL - she is one of the loveliest people I know and I wish she lived nearer so she could see more of her grandchildren, and so we could all see more of her!! (She was the one who, when I suggested that she come when the baby was a week or so old, said "No dear. You need time to bond as your own little family before worrying about guests. I'll come when you're all settled and established and can cope with a houseguest.")

Forgive me, but maybe IABU to expect MIL to actually show an interest in her DGC's routine, or anything else for that matter. Instead she just arrives and takes over like DD is not even mine, undermining me every step of the way.

But then again, I am evil

However, I did allow her to make DD's first birthday cake...

YANBU - I bet there are more examples :)

The Granny in question I'm sure could have as many "sweet cuddles" from this child born from this "evil" seriously!! woman as she likes

Just after 7am! Or time decided by the OP.

Because that is what the child's mother and father have decided, that should be the end of it.

You forced her to make the cake didn't you fly

Thats it, you're definitely evil

Anyone else think that there's probably more than a couple of threads on here about Out2Pasture and her overreactions?

OP - gently stick to your guns. You'll get there with kindness and consistency.

I think that when a GP only sees a child twice a year they probably are more interested in seeing and having fun with the child than the nitty gritty of their routine. My DM who looks after my dd regularly, clearly wants to know her routine and any changes. Df who sees her a handful of times a year, would never ask me about her bedtime/morning or any other kind of routine.

Clearly mil bugs you, but you see her twice a year .... Maybe try to relax a bit, and make the visit more bearable for yourself

Unless there are other examples, yabu. 6.30 is hardly the middle of the night so i wouldn't mind that. But then my dc wake up naturally any time between 6.30 and 8 so I've never worried about breaking a routine. You know your own dd and you can absolutely tell Mil your rules if you're worried she'll cause problems.

I tend to think that the onus is on the host to explain any morning routines to the guest - I will tell guests what time dh and I will be getting up, and when the dses were at home, I'd mention that they'd be up at such-and-such a time, for their paper rounds and school, and I show the guest where the mugs, tea, coffee, milk, etc are, so if they are awake really early, they can make themselves at home.

In the OP's case, as the morning routine is so important, I think the onus was on her to say to her MIL, "We get LittleChickie up at about 7.30am - if she wakes up earlier, she gets a bit of milk and goes back to bed until 7.30 - we are so pleased she sleeps so well, so it would help,if you didn't go in, if she does wake early - she will be so excited to see you, we'd never get her back to sleep!"

I do think it is worth trying to be reasonably flexible about routines - it makes life easier as they get older (in my experience, anyhow), but I well re,ember those early years, and how we prized every minute of sleep, especially in the morning, and if FlyChickie's routine is doing is giving her that precious sleep, she has every right to want to defend it, tooth and nail.

One day you will have a teenager, and will be surprised and shocked if they are out of their pit before midday (yes, I am looking at you, ds3)!

I too was a bit obsessed with sleep routines for both DC. But we all slept well. No midnight patting of backs or manic return to beds in our house. The days may have been long but the night times were our saving grace. Several uninterrupted hours of sleep in our own bed. Luck maybe, but you do whatever works. How you rear your child has absolutely nothing to do with your MIL.
Another grandparent wanting a second go at mothering.
YANBU.

Op i think its more about your MIL simply not listening to you and mine also does this and yes its upsetting, because its basically ignoring me, and you do not know if your message is being communicated successfully. Its also rude.

If I ever feel my own DD's when they hopefully bless me with GC have odd routines, I may try and chat to them about it, if its appropriate but otherwise I intend to repsect their routines and their wishes, AND realize that its not a criticism of me!

Yanbu about the first one.
The second? Well I'd let that slide. One of the great joys of having my parents to stay is depositing a clean, fed, awake waaaay to early baby in their bed, bringing everyone a cuppa then buggering off back to bed for an hour

Babybythesea - I think you might be referring to my post when I said...

"She is your child's grandma, not the mother. Why on earth should she take YOUR baby into HER bed before its time to get up?"

I didn't say I couldn't see why grandma wouldn't want morning cuddles, I couldn't understand why she would expect cuddles BEFORE its time for the baby to get up?

She's essentially putting her own needs first by expecting OP to disrupt the routine to suit her own desires for cuddles in bed right that second. Why couldn't MiL wait until the baby woke up for the day and then I'm assuming OP would have let her had all the cuddles she wanted.

Yes OP might not have explained the routine the night before but she explained it in the morning and was then told "no" by MiL and that she was taking her for snuggles in her own bed! I'm honestly shocked by the audacity of it.

Grandparents do not get to set the rules (unless parents want them to) but in this case OP has got her routine in place, she knows what works for her and as a parent it's her right to stick to that - no matter what other people think of it. Her baby, her rules.

Completely agree with the PP who said this sounds like another grandparent wanting a second go at mothering.

FlyChickie YANBU re tummy sleeping. She shouldn't have undermined you.

Re the routine in the morning. I think you'll see 2 camps forming. 1 who say let the MIL do the bottle or why don't you chill out it's only half an hour. Those are probably people whose children can deal with flexibility in routines. Camp 2 say your routine is important to you and she should respect it. Those are probably people whose children thrive on routine and how well the day goes depends on how the routine goes.

I'm camp 2 with DD1 and camp 1 with DD2. DD1 would sleep like a dream but only if we stuck to the set, well worked, crucial routine. Otherwise she'd be an over tired horrendous banshee.

DD2 can take a lot more flex in the routine (which isn't because she's number 2; she's a totally different kettle of fish) However I've still had to learn absolute boundaries for her which can't be flexed or she's miserable and so am I.

If you're camp 2 then YANBU. An earlier poster said you are silly to think things are down to you and your routine; it your DD's personality. I totally disagree. The routine around the personality is what keeps the child happy. If your DD would be overtired or you would be without the extra 30 minutes/hour then I believe you. 15 minutes was my window to get things right with DD1. Get the timings too early and she'd not be tired enough to sleep and piss about in her cot. Too late and she'd scream the house down because she was too tired to sleep! My nephew (2) and niece (4 months) didn't come to DD2'S christening because it clashed with naps (!) So I understand how OTT people can be about routine breaks but in your own home your MIL should respect the way you do things. As your DD gets older there will be more room for flexibility but I completely understand why you need to be rigid now.

I think the issue is that the mil appears to be undermining op about EVERYthing, which op stated in her last post. If mil is breezing in and taking charge and turning away from op when she explains the routine/boundaries and showing her no respect then that is incredibly frustrating. Mil is then acting like a kid with fingers in their ears and chanting la la la because their parents are telling them something they don't want to hear. It is for a short period of time and the best thing to do
op is to pick your battles. Anything which will impact long term or is a safety issue must be addressed. Anything else - let it go let it go..... Trying to be like that with my mother.