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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think MIL should have checked with me first?

118 replies

FlyChickie · 05/04/2016 15:17

Let's set the scene: when DD was 5 weeks old, MIL came to stay and meet her new DGD. I had DD sleeping on her back downstairs. On being asked by MIL why DD not on tummy, I explained SIDS, statistics, small babies etc. I go upstairs to shower, come back down and MIL had put DD on her tummy. Shock When I turned her around explaining, yet again, why DD doesn't go on tummy, MIL just turns her back on me...

So, fast forward : MIL lives in another country and comes to stay for DD's first birthday. Arrives late at night, DD in bed. No questions as to what the routine is, how does the morning work, brekkie etc. Now, we have worked bloody hard to ensure DD sleeps through the night and doesn't wake before 7am. Sometimes (rarely) she gets a bottle in bed at 06:30 and goes back to sleep - judge me if you will but that's our routine, it works and everybody's happy.

Morning after MIL arrives I hear DD stirring at 06:30, I prepare a bottle and go to her room only to find MIL in there with her up and out of the cot. I explained (nicely) it was too early, DD was getting a bottle in bed, and that DD would sleep another hour or so, as per her routine. MIL says no, she's up now, I'll take her into bed with me. I explain, again, no, DD, and everybody else, is getting back into bed. Cue MIL saying she didn't know what time it was...

I am all too aware that MIL does not see her DGD often and when she does see her they need loads of cuddle time and quality time and all the lovely special things a grandmother does with their DGC, like getting involved with mealtimes etc. However, all I ask is that she checks with me, or DH, what the routine is. If she wants to get up with DD fine, but on our terms, or at least the terms we have worked hard to ensure - not hers because she thinks it's better.

AIBU to feel that maybe she could at least have checked with me first before bailing into the room like she owns my DD owns the place??

OP posts:
Moving15 · 05/04/2016 19:53

Yabu however this is normal for a new mum. Harness the enthusiasm of the grandmother and get yourself some extra rest.

Headofthehive55 · 05/04/2016 20:03

Are you not doing tummy time?

Original poster
FlyChickie · 05/04/2016 20:08

@headofthehive55 we weren't doing tummy time during her sleeping periods at 5 weeks old. Now that DD is walking we've evilly decided tummy time is not needed any more...Smile

OP posts:
Janecc · 05/04/2016 20:15

You're evil.
Moving15 did you read the thread?

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 05/04/2016 20:24

Could you pick the items of your routine that would actually disturb baby, routine, and generally make life difficult for you if broken and communicate those firmly. Would a chat and list on fridge be appropriate ? And then, let everything else except for safety issues slide during her visits?

EvansAndThePrince · 05/04/2016 20:28

Oh yanbu, God knows how much fun getting 1 year olds into a routine is, you've spent a year doing so and it really only takes the slightest change to upset the balance.

Excited101 · 05/04/2016 20:33

YANBU at all, she's being disrespectful of you and though it's understandable that she's excited- of course! She should be taking your lead, you have a well established routine which works for all of you, it's a hell of a lot easier to break a routine than it is to build one.

Headofthehive55 · 05/04/2016 20:37

You sound very controlling.

I would imagine you will be horrified when he goes shopping with grandma and she buys something that has not been pre approved!

Although you can choose some aspects to control, pick your hard limits.

Don't be too prescriptive though or you may find she gets little from the relationship, and withdraws. That may suit you but your son may feel otherwise.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 05/04/2016 20:41

Why on earth should she take YOUR baby into HER bed before its time to get up

Because she wanted to cuddle her baby grandchild and have a few precious minutes snuggled up with her and it was only 30 minutes, which doesn't seem to unreasonable to me.

YANBU about the first, YABU about the second.

I've got 3 DC and have had still having bloody rubbish sleep issues but I wouldn't get wound up about one night/morning and a loving grandparent getting a morning cuddle with a baby.

Depends on the people involved I guess, but I wouldn't insist that 'the routine' was everything and had to take precedence over all else.

ChocolateBiscuitCake · 05/04/2016 20:48

I hear you OP.

YANBU.

My MIL does this (amongst endless other things) - she likes to parent her GC with no respect for how I choose to parent, losing sight that she is the GM not mother. She doesn't agree with many of my choices, so tuts and questions and undermines. It is exhausting. It means we like to see her less...so her loss.

After 8 years, DH now sees it, which helps tremendously.

fusionconfusion · 05/04/2016 20:50

Yabu however this is normal for a new mum. Harness the enthusiasm of the grandmother and get yourself some extra rest.

^^^
This

Headofthehive55 · 05/04/2016 20:51

My children have actively looked (when they wake)for a cuddle with grandparents when they stay overnight. It's a particular treat. Can you imagine if they could sense my disapproval? Or what age would I have given the ok? So I think yabu.

ChocolateBiscuitCake · 05/04/2016 20:55

Reminds me of when we went with ILs on holiday to stay in a cottage. MIL showed us to our room and then showed us the cot in spare room, announcing that FIL was in the master room and she was sleeping with DGC1.

My Mum wouldn't dream of asking to sleep with a baby. Just odd.

Headofthehive55 · 05/04/2016 21:00

Maybe she felt she was letting you have a lie in?

froubylou · 05/04/2016 21:06

I have a 2 year old d's. We have a rule. You wake him, you take him.

Just explain to mil that your routine is back to bed until at least 7 am. But if she wants to take baby downstairs for some 1 to 1 time bottles are here, breakfast stuff there etc.

At a year old you are due a sleep regression soon so I wouldn't sweat about your routine too much. And some nice back teeth will be making their presence felt soon too. Fuck that shit, give her permission to get up whatever time she wants with the baby but she must not disturb you until at least 9am. Get some sleep banked!

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 05/04/2016 21:27

My Mum wouldn't dream of asking to sleep with a baby. Just odd

Why use those words? That's not what the OP said. It's almost as though you want to put a unnecessarily sinister spin on a perfectly normal thing.

Having a morning cuddle in bed with a baby isn't 'asking to sleep with a baby.'

It's having a snuggle with a baby grandchild. Aren't there enough actual sinister things in the world without making that one as well?

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 05/04/2016 21:30

We have a rule. You wake him, you take him

give her permission to get up whatever time she wants with the baby but she must not disturb you until at least 9am. Get some sleep banked

This ^

ChocolateBiscuitCake · 05/04/2016 21:31

Firstwetake: I am referring to my MIL setting up sleep arrangements so that she goes to bed with the GC and sleeps in their bedroom throughout the night (plenty of space in other rooms). In my opinion it is very, very odd!

ChocolateBiscuitCake · 05/04/2016 21:32

And to me, odd does not mean sinister. As a pp has said, it is about MIL meeting HER needs, not those of the GC.

BertrandRussell · 05/04/2016 21:34

"My Mum wouldn't dream of asking to sleep with a baby. Just odd"

Yes of course. Nothing odder than a grandmother having a half an hour cuddle with her grandmother in the morning......

BertrandRussell · 05/04/2016 21:36

"bout MIL meeting HER needs, not those of the GC.". Will the baby realise that? One of the good things about a cuddle is that both parties benefit!

ChocolateBiscuitCake · 05/04/2016 21:37

Once again, I am referring to a grandmother sleeping the whole night in the baby's room....

A morning cuddle with a baby, in my opinion is fine, but out of respect you ASK the mother, not just sneak in.

ChocolateBiscuitCake · 05/04/2016 21:40

Both parties benefit whilst the DIL is once again undermined in her own home.

Being a grandparent doesn't give you the right to do something that the Mum has asked you not to. And most of these things are not isolated and come with a whole host of examples of DIL/MIL conflicts in a given period.

Misswrite89 · 05/04/2016 21:48

A morning cuddle with a baby, in my opinion is fine, but out of respect you ASK the mother, not just sneak in.

Yes! And when told by the mother that baby is having her bottle and then going back to sleep you don't say "no" and that the baby is going to cuddle in your bed! This is completely undermining OP.

Whether or not people agree with OP's choice to stick to a routine, that is her decision and MiL (and everyone else) need to respect that.

Janecc · 05/04/2016 21:51

BertrandRussell. A grandma having a half hour cuddle with her GRANDMA in the morning, now that would be a whole other thread..... Sorry couldn't resist :))

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