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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not let him stay the night with the ex still there?

48 replies

Nicebucket · 05/04/2016 01:00

Long story short. We've been friends for 2 years but been in a relationship for a week.

He broke up with his ex not long before we were together, but they were living together because of the lease. When she found out he was with me, she left the flat. She left just an email and said she'd get her stuff picked up.

Now suddenly she messaged to say she has nowhere to go and she wants to come home. The lease is also in her name so he obviously can't say no.

He spoke to me and we decided that he'd move in with me temporarily while she stayed at their place and found somewhere else to go.

So she was supposed to move in tonight. And he was to come to mine.

Last minute she messaged to say that he's thrown her out so she's going to go and sleep in a park.

He went to all the nearby parks to looks for her. Kept calling messaging. This went on for over three hours. Then she finally messaged to say she'd just come home for a shower. He told her she could stay.

She said she'd stay if he did and if he left, she'd go back to the streets. He asked me if he can stay there tonight and I said no fucking way.

Am I right?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicebucket · 05/04/2016 01:01

This is such a new relationship and my first ever.

I'm shattered right now.

Its not about trust. It's about him not caring at all how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicebucket · 05/04/2016 01:01

If this is love, I absolutely hate feeling this way. I'm so hurt and devastated right now.

OP posts:
houseeveryweekend · 05/04/2016 01:06

No YANBU. At all. He shouldn't stay there in that circumstance. She is manipulating him. It wont help either of them if he stays. She needs to move on with her life and so does he. She will not stay in the park if he comes to yours. She may go to the park to be dramatic but when she starts to get cold she will go back to the flat.

Original poster
Nicebucket · 05/04/2016 01:09

That's exactly what I said.

She's been controlling him for years. She's threatened to move out many times in the past and then come back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicebucket · 05/04/2016 01:11

And I think this is horrible for us. Because it's too soon to live together even temporarily if we're in such early stages.

We're screwed either way

OP posts:
houseeveryweekend · 05/04/2016 01:14

Yeah the best thing for him to do would be to just ignore her. Hes made sure she has a safe place to go to, anything else she does is her own responsibility. If she threatens to hurt herself just ring an ambulance on her. He shouldn't be there if he doesn't want to be with her and he wants to be with you it will give her hope that she can win him back or that hes not serious about it being over. Also id be asking yourself if this clearly unhealthy situation is really something you want to get involved with. It seems hes got a lot to sort out before hes going to be able to be a good boyfriend to anyone else.

Italiangreyhound · 05/04/2016 01:15

Sorry to hear this.

Sounds very hard.

I loved overseas where property was very hard to come by and people sometimes ended up separated and living under the same roof!

Very tough.

In your shoes I would let them work this one out, you've known him for two years, you were friends a d now things have developed but it sounds like he needs to work this out before he can move on (maybe). Not that he is attached to her, but she clearly is to him, and she sounds slightly unstable.

I think IMHO if you both care enough about each other this will resolve itself and you can continue your relationship.

Can I ask if you are quite young, if he is older than you?

Do you have friends/family in real life to confide in?

This is not your fault, and it's not what love is about. Please get some real life support.

Italiangreyhound · 05/04/2016 01:17

Lived abroad.... Sorry typos.

Italiangreyhound · 05/04/2016 01:21

There must be other friends or family members he could stay with. It may put a very big presssure on your relationship to be living together so soon.

TheNaze73 · 05/04/2016 01:46

Whatever the circumstances, I wouldn't live with someone a year into a relationship, let along a week. It'll put pressure on your relationship & will take away some of the best bits at the start of a relationship. And do you really need all this after a week.....? I couldn't be bothered with all that

Bogeyface · 05/04/2016 02:33

You have been with him for a week, already are imbroiled in a drama and talk about being "in love"?

I think you need to tell him that he needs to sort it out himself and he can contact you when he has got it dealt with.

A week is a couple of dates, not a relationship. You need to take a big step back from this soap opera and only consider giving him the time of day when he has got shot of the drama llama ex for good.

Bogeyface · 05/04/2016 02:33

embroiled

Squeegle · 05/04/2016 02:53

What bogey says. Keep out of it. Let him sort things with her and then you can deal with it. Yes, she's being dramatic, but s not up to you to say what he can or can't do.
In your shoes I would steer clear until it's resolved between them

sepa · 05/04/2016 03:18

If they havent long split up then they probably have a lot of shit to work through. I think there will be more to come that your unhappy with OP as controlling relationships like the one you DP has just come out of do not simply end and all ties cut.

Costacoffeeplease · 05/04/2016 06:22

A week in - way too much drama, once it's all sorted he can come back and try again - if you're still available

Sometimesithinkimbonkers · 05/04/2016 06:28

The lease is in her name .... She has every right to stay there!

Would you rather she slept rough?

sparechange · 05/04/2016 06:32

Sometimes,
Have you actually read the post?
He isn't stopping her sleeping there. She is demanding he is there at the same time

BastardGoDarkly · 05/04/2016 06:33

No, don't move him in, it's waaaay too soon, and you'd probably get the ex turning up, to carry on the drama.

This is his problem to solve.

Do you have children?

BastardGoDarkly · 05/04/2016 06:34

Oh sorry, just seen this is your first relationship, it's not normally this hard, honestly!

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/04/2016 06:40

Chances are, she's being scheming and manipulative - but chances also are, she's genuine.

I'd just say 'I'm not happy about it. I think you're being played, but this is your drama to deal with and I'll be understanding this one time. If this turns out to be an ongoing drama, I don't want to be in the audience. The ball's in your court'.

And then seriously, if it is an ongoing drama, opt out. It's not worth it.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 05/04/2016 06:55

She is manipulating him but yabu to be so involved after a week of a relationship

let him sort his shit out, try and stay out of it. Don't move him in to your place.

Throwingshadeagain · 05/04/2016 06:55

Please just back out of the whole situation. If you and he have a strong enough connection, you can pick up again in a few months once this has sorted. Else you will be dragged into this mess. Just tell him you're sorry but you can't be involved with him right now. It will be painful for you, but it will be the lesser of two evils I can absolutely promise you that.

FishWithABicycle · 05/04/2016 06:59

Don't attempt to live with this man so soon - not until it's been 6 months at least, and don't even enter a relationship with him until he has properly broken up with his ex and no longer has financial and emotional ties to her. It doesn't sound at all healthy and getting involved now will lead to your own relationship with him being very unhealthy and unhappy too. You will have a much better chance of long term happiness with this man if you step back now, stop trying to be the new girlfriend in this mess and let him get on with it. He has other friends presumably who can give him support through this? Let them be the support he needs to get rid of the ex and get on with your own life in the meantime. When he is free the two of you can get together properly.

curren · 05/04/2016 07:08

Yabu with your phrase of 'let him'. Especially after a week.

He is an adult. You don't 'let him' do anything. He decides what he wants to do.

You decide wether you can live with it or not.

If he didn't stay there, she is unlikely to disappear and this will go on for a good while. At least until their tenancy is over.

Were you friends with her too? Is that why she has your contact details? How long have they been split? Surely you knew she would take this well?

Personally I wouldn't get involved with him until he has sorted all this out. All this angst after a week of seeing someone?

GreenishMe · 05/04/2016 07:12

As others have said - you should probably bow out gracefully now before you get hurt. One week isn't long to fully move on from a serious relationship and you could simply be the rebound :(

I'm not convinced his previous relationship is over yet. It sounds to me like they've had a massive row and told each other it's over, but that they're still emotionally connected.

Let them sort it out ....better for you to keep your distance.