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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not let him stay the night with the ex still there?

48 replies

Nicebucket · 05/04/2016 01:00

Long story short. We've been friends for 2 years but been in a relationship for a week.

He broke up with his ex not long before we were together, but they were living together because of the lease. When she found out he was with me, she left the flat. She left just an email and said she'd get her stuff picked up.

Now suddenly she messaged to say she has nowhere to go and she wants to come home. The lease is also in her name so he obviously can't say no.

He spoke to me and we decided that he'd move in with me temporarily while she stayed at their place and found somewhere else to go.

So she was supposed to move in tonight. And he was to come to mine.

Last minute she messaged to say that he's thrown her out so she's going to go and sleep in a park.

He went to all the nearby parks to looks for her. Kept calling messaging. This went on for over three hours. Then she finally messaged to say she'd just come home for a shower. He told her she could stay.

She said she'd stay if he did and if he left, she'd go back to the streets. He asked me if he can stay there tonight and I said no fucking way.

Am I right?

OP posts:

ButterfliesinSpring · 05/04/2016 07:19

Oh god. Leave now. If he has serious feelings for you worth anything - he will figure it out and do what it takes to keep you rather than what it takes to appease her. He has to do that all by himself of his own accord though

You're going to end up badly hurt by this if you stay in what it is (now)

FaithLoveandHope · 05/04/2016 07:21

I think it's more complicated than others are making out. Yes you've only been together for a week but you've been friends for a while and I suspect you've liked each other as more than friends for a while now? Although a week is far too quickly for you to move in together even with the fact you've been friends together. I definitely would not be okay if my DP did what yours is doing however as others have said do you really want to be involved with this drama? I met my DP shortly after he separated from his ex wife and we both really liked each other as more than friends but I'm so glad we didn't act on that for a couple of years as it gave him chance to deal with what had happened with his ex. When we did finally get together things happened quite quickly because of how close we already were as friends so I do get how you can talk of love quite quickly (though we weren't quite that quick!)
It does sound like you two need that time too. I think if your relationship is meant to be you will get through this but I do think maybe try and hold back a bit until this is properly dealt with. Also try to see it from her point of view. Okay she may be crazy, manipulative etc I don't know and honestly you only know one side of the story too but ultimately they've only recently split up and he's already moved on, that's got to hurt from her point of view. I'm not saying it's okay for her to manipulate him, it's really not but at the same time I can understand why she may think she can win him back.

focusedmum · 05/04/2016 07:24

Honestly I would tell him that the relationship cannot continue until he has sorted his stuff out.

She is clearly playing games and not over the relationship. She probably sees you as the OW if you have been friends and then straight into a relationship.

Can he not give notice on the tenancy and move elsewhere on his own.

PrimalLass · 05/04/2016 07:29

She's been controlling him for years.

And you are telling him what he can and can't do

liinyo · 05/04/2016 07:32

I think YABU, but I can see why.

You are one week into the relationship, that should be the wonderful/golden glow/romance stage. Not the time you have massive rows about exes that end up with you saying 'no fucking way'. For the record if I asked my husband of 30 years about something and he told me 'nomfucking way' I'd do it on principle - I would not like to be dictated to like that.

I think PPs have it right, step away from this relationship for now until him and his ex have things sorted. If you two are right for each other you will get back together when that drama has died down. If it doesn't die down anytime soon, being backed into living with him will make it difficult for you to meet someone else.

bluespiral · 05/04/2016 07:54

He's essentially still in the middle of a breakup isn't he.

I would back off and suggest that things can be resumed once he's sorted everything out with her.

You can't dictate to him anything about his living arrangements though, not after one week!

And no this isn't love. You've been together one week.

BadgersNadgers · 05/04/2016 09:26

A week isn't a relationship. A week is a couple of dates. Unless you're 14.

HeddaGarbled · 05/04/2016 10:49

You aren't in a relationship. Do you mean you first had sex a week ago? You are in the very early stages of dating. This might become a relationship or it might not.

They have only just broken up and she is in a bad position with regard to accommodation. Yes, she's being a drama queen with the stuff about park benches. But can you try and calm down and be a bit mature and sympathetic and imagine how she must be feeling? I think she's hurting a lot. Finding out that her boyfriend (they were in a relationship because they lived together) has moved on so quickly to another girl must be very painful. She's lashing out in pain and rage. Cut her some slack.

You don't "win" men (that's what you are doing isn't it, you think you have to fight the ex?) by having hissy fits and issuing ultimatums that you have no right to issue. Calm down, step back, let him sort out his break up properly and maturely. And then you and he will be able to have a much nicer, less drama filled time while you get to know each other properly and see whether your relationship has legs. He'll like you better for not making his life even more difficult right now. Be the grown up.

SaucyJack · 05/04/2016 11:16

She's an unflushable, and he isn't ready to step away from her dramz.

Go and find something more interesting to do with your time (unless you like the dramz too)- in which case knock yerself out :-)

Ludways · 05/04/2016 11:24

I would back off if I were you, he's in the middle of a break up and you're not in a relationship with him. Let him sort out his ex and if things change and he's completely free, then you can rethink things.

witsender · 05/04/2016 11:28

Theirs is a very fresh break up a few weeks at most. I would tell him that you want no part of it, or him until their unfinished business is sorted.

Original poster

Nicebucket · 05/04/2016 13:01

Well, he came over last night and didn't stay with her.

And now I'm panicking over what I've done.

It's too soon for us to move in together but then if he can give me an assurance it just for a couple of weeks until she finds something else, then I can get on board witn it.

In retrospect I should have said that he needs to take his time and cut all ties to the past before doing anything with me.

But now he's here and I can't tell him to leave.

PS- she was not my friend. And I didn't say I had her contact details. I don't

OP posts:

Original poster

Nicebucket · 05/04/2016 13:06

Also- we've loved each other for a long time but things were too complicated to begin anything.

We finally decided 10 days ago that we don't want to hide out feelings anymore and be with each other.

Agree that it might not be a full fledged relationship yet. But we want to go down that road.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nicebucket · 05/04/2016 13:08

Also-

I didn't dictate anything to him. Or give him an ultimatum.

I said he was free to do whatever but I would have to rethink stuff if he stayed with her.

I can't and don't want to control what he does. But I can say what my decision would be based on his call.

OP posts:

SisterMoonshine · 05/04/2016 13:15

Hmmm maybe things are still 'too complicared'.

Original poster

Nicebucket · 05/04/2016 13:16

Yes

I will have a talk tonight about how I don't want to live in for at least a year.

And that we did move into things too quickly and maybe we need to clear the past before moving forward

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 05/04/2016 13:22

This is your first ever relationship?

Honestly, you don't need all this drama and he needs to get his life in order before he even considers dating someone else.

You need to back off and leave them to it. Tell him to contact you when he's properly free and has sorted out his living arrangements.

Crispbutty · 05/04/2016 13:27

It all sounds very complicated and you need to let him get the relationship with his ex properly finished first.

I admit myself and partner ended up living together within a week of starting our relationship (having been nothing but friends for a few years), due to similar circumstances, but the relationship I had been in was absolutely over due to DV, and I was homeless and he was moving into a new flat, so it just fell that way.. we were lucky and we are still together two years later, in our own place now, and very much still in love too, but I doubt it is the norm, and I was worried myself that we were rushing into things. So sometimes it works out ok. But he has to get the ex situation dealt with very quickly or that will just ruin any chances you both have I think.

curren · 05/04/2016 13:31

PS- she was not my friend. And I didn't say I had her contact details. I don't

you said in your op she messages to say he had kicked her out. Who did she message? Did she message him saying 'you have kicked me out again'

You were friends for 2 years and didn't know the woman he lives with?

Also- we've loved each other for a long time but things were too complicated to begin anything.

So you were having an emotional affair? Did she control him or was she aware there was something more between you which cause arguments?

2rebecca · 05/04/2016 13:33

When is the lease up? Can they give notice on it or him transfer the lease to her name? I think he needs to sort out properly ending this relationship before he starts another. Making her homeless when the house is hers as much as his isn't an option. They need to sort out between them how they split up. He needs to sort out living on his own for a while it's too early to jump to living together, do the courting thing.
Let him go and just stay in touch until he has properly disentangled himself.
Him searching for her in parks makes him sound far too involved in her games still.

2rebecca · 05/04/2016 13:35

I have male friends through work and hobbies whose wives I've never or rarely met. My husband has orchestra related female friends who hardly know me.

PrimalLass · 05/04/2016 13:50

So you were having an emotional affair and now she has to find somewhere else to live?

MarbleFox · 05/04/2016 14:11

This sounds like a really complicated situation. In all honesty, were you and DP having an emotional affair while he was still in a relationship with his ex? Did she known you as DP's friend during her relationship with him? I can understand and don't blame the ex for being angry, confused and hurt if this is the case. She's more or less found out that are ex wanted to be with someone else during their relationship.
While I can understand I will say I think she's being manipulative and dramatic. He shouldn't obey ludicrous demands as she'll think that every time she wants something all she needs to do is threaten something like sleeping rough to get her own way with him.

I was in a similar situation to yours when I was 19, far too young to know any better and now in hindsight I realise I shouldn't have gotten involved with the man. It lead to a drama filled and stressful three months. I agree that you're going to end up getting hurt it you don't take a step back.

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