To ask what thing your parents did, that you will/have actively tried NOT to do when raising your own DC?

[ollieplimsoles]

I'll start,

I love my Mum to bits and we have a wonderful relationship, but I had a very serious phobia of needles growing up and I was a very anxious child. She wouldn't tell me I had to have an injection til the very last minute (she would just show up at school or we'd walk into the doctors) and I would have a panic attack. I wish she would have told me a few days before that I was going to have one and why, then I would have been able to make peace with it. It just meant that I couldn't relax when she took us out or at school, it made my phobia worse that she felt she needed to keep me in the dark about it too, like it was something she was also afraid of.

With DD I'm going to avoid doing that and try to be upfront with her from the start.

Not get my daughter to show her grandmother and grandmother's random friend her first bra WHILE WEARING IT.
Not tell my children "you don't think that"or "you don't remember that" when they tell me something they think or remember.
Trust them to make their own decisions.
Not tell them they are horrible or that I'm sick of the sight of them or that I can't bear to look at them.

Never withhold affection. I will not be cold, I will put my arms around my DD when she wants a cuddle rather than calling her a soppy cow (pulled my DM up on this recently when she called my daughter soppy for wanting a hug)

I will not use my child as mental health support.

I will not cause a drama that centres attention on me on an important occasion for my daughter (think birthdays, holidays, wedding)

I love my parents and on the whole i had a good childhood...but there are a few things i'm really clear that i won't be doing with my dc.

I won't ignore the fact that my dd has c cup boobs when shes 9 and then belatedly take her to buy a couple of market 'crop tops' and refuse to buy her a badly needed underwired bra for years because 'they cause cancer'
I had 34dd boobs when i was 13 and still wearing rubbish cheap cotton girls bras that gave me absolutely no support.

I also ripped my legs to shreds with my dads proper razor trying to shave them in secret, because i wasn't allowed. I had thick black hair on my legs from a young age - which was mortifying.

I will be as physically affectionate with my children as they feel comfortable with and i hope that means we can still hug and kiss when they're adults. I feel a bit weird hugging my parents tbh because they initiated a kind of physical distance when i hit puberty. I'm not much of a tactile person, but with my kids i am, because i want them to feel comfortable with physical contact (on their own terms of course). I'll also be open about sex, relationships and consent, not just ignore the entire topic in a very catholic way and advocate abstinance and ignorance. I had a lot of dysfunctional/unpleasant experiences with men as a young woman because of a real lack of understanding about sex and consent. Not necessarily my parents fault, but definitely something that potentially could have been avoided with a more open approach to sex.

I'll try not to be a moody passive aggressive arse, and not have strops whenever we go on family day trips/holidays, causing all the dc to tread on eggshells and develop people pleasing traits. My dad was a bugger for doing this, but so was my mum to a lesser extent. I honestly believe its affected my ability to deal with conflict and so I have a tendency to be P.A. myself. I try very hard not to be like this with DH and the dc, because i did not enjoy it as a kid. As an adult i'm able to rationalise it and ignore them when they get like this, plus they live far away so i see them much less. However I never want my kids to feel scared of expressing an opinion or disagreeing with me for fear of my reaction. I hope to encourage them to discuss things in a respectful way and i'll listen to them and not make them feel stupid because they don't agree with me

Phew - bit of an essay there!
for all the posters on this thread who were neglected or abused by their parents. To have come out the other side and be in a position to raise dc in a more positive way (or even decide not to have dc) makes you truly amazing IMHO.

I am yet to have children but mine would be not to tell my child off for eating an apple for breakfast instead of cereal or toast as my dad did when I was 14 when they knew that I couldn't face food very early in the morning. Nor will I call Social Services and beg them for help when I cannot cope with normal sibling fights. Neither I will I take my children out of school in term time when I could afford to go in school holidays. Finally I won't control my children's life the way my Mum did by taking away all my life choices, for example excluding me from a meeting about me when I was 19, had the capacity to understand and legally an adult.