To ask what thing your parents did, that you will/have actively tried NOT to do when raising your own DC?

[ollieplimsoles]

I'll start,

I love my Mum to bits and we have a wonderful relationship, but I had a very serious phobia of needles growing up and I was a very anxious child. She wouldn't tell me I had to have an injection til the very last minute (she would just show up at school or we'd walk into the doctors) and I would have a panic attack. I wish she would have told me a few days before that I was going to have one and why, then I would have been able to make peace with it. It just meant that I couldn't relax when she took us out or at school, it made my phobia worse that she felt she needed to keep me in the dark about it too, like it was something she was also afraid of.

With DD I'm going to avoid doing that and try to be upfront with her from the start.

*I will leave him if he ever screams at me

Sex- was very rarely discussed except to say don't do it. I want to be open with my dc I would hate them to feel they couldn't come to me about something.

Budgeting money- a massively important like skill.

I was never smacked or made to eat food I did'nt want.
I never did that to my children either
My DM had a shit childhood and she wanted to protect me as much as possible. Which i really appreciate but sometimes it was a bit too much of the helicopter mum.
Basically I've tried to replicate my childhood but with a bit more freedom.

Hitting
Spending all the money on just one of the four children so the rest of us missed out. Refusing to work even when the family was in the shit and homeless as was too stressful.

To use the line "because I said so" ..... Hated it as a kid, hate it now.

I'm also trying very hard to ensure we have plenty of family time. All of us together. We didn't have much of that, my dad worked long hours, mum was away on trips, so much time was spent either just with mum, or just with dad. Not so much all of us together. I make a big effort to ensure we are all together as much as we can be

I will not:

*smack
*refuse to talk about sex/relationships ( to the extent that I am 34, have had a child, and my parents and I still haven't had "the talk" [which shouldn't actually be one talk anyway])
*never in my child's entire childhood be seen by that child to be physically affectionate towards my DH (his DF) such that that child will have no memory of any kissing, handholding, hugging EVER between his parents
*fail to understand or just not care that clothes, appearance etc are important to teenagers and therefore make the teenage years miserable through being so tight with money (not out of necessity) that my child feels constantly ashamed of how he looks
*restrict how often my child washes even during the puberty greasy years because of obsession with saving money
*fail to emphasize the important of planning for academic success needing to lead to some kind of marketable career. Education for it's own sake is great but most of us do need to use it to make some money too.

Imposing "good taste on my kids" ( whatever good taste is?)

Hitting me constantly for no other reason than my Mum was in a bad mood with her hand,a slipper,hoover over my back.
I have alot of patience with my 5DC and I'd never use them as an item to abuse because of my own short comings.

My Dad calling me disgusting names,slag,Dyke,whore,bitch ect.I'd never put my DC down,I always try to build them up (it was never bad behaviour on my part my own parents went onto admit I was never naughty as a child or teenager)it's really important to me that they have good self esteem and that they know just how important they are to me and they're Dad.

I'd never buy stuff for myself that I don't need over stuff that our DC need and neither would my DH.
My Dad was generous with items but my Mum was very selfish in that way,she'd have wardrobes full of clothes from catalogues that she'd never wear whilst I had one outfit to wear for a whole year.
My Dad had no idea.

I'd never force feed my any of my DC,my parents did that and I was anorexic for 9 years from the age of 7-16.I still struggle with food now and I'm nearly 41.

I've never assumed that my DC would just know what to do without any help at all.My parents never got me into a bed time routine,they'd let me fall asleep on the sofa and then send me upto bed hours later when they were going to bed.Never taught me to ride a bike(still can't)never taught me to tie my laces,some friends taught me at junior school.

I always take my DC to the Dr's,Dentist,Opticians,Hospital when ever they need to go.Both of my parents were/are hypochondriac's,they'd go to the Dr's with a cold,with me they'd leave me at home ill and suffering until it was so bad that they'd have to get an emergency Doctor out or I'd end up in hospital.
I'm disabled and seriously ill now and I still have to really push myself to go to the Dr's,I'm supposed to go every 6 weeks at least in reality I go once or twice a year.

No one spoke to me about periods or sex I learnt everything from sex ed classes in secondary school.My DC are all very open with me,our oldest DS20 talked to me when he was thinking about loosing his virginity,he talked to me after he had sex for the first time,they tell me everything.

I've always loved my parents and I still do but I know alot of my problems and all the abusive relationships I ended up on were because of the childhood that was inflicted on me.

I want my DC to like me and love me because I deserve it not just because I gave birth to them.I want to be a positive force in they're lifes for the rest of they're lifes,I don't ever want to be someone they wished they didn't have in they're life's.

Be a self centered selfish drunk raising a child from the comfort of a pub and locking said child into her bedroom. Or bringing men in and out of my childs life eho physically and emotionalpy abuse them.

Shit childhood yet my mother seems to believe she is mother of the year.

My mum was great in some ways but didn't tell me anything about periods or sex; didn't want to deal with bullying or unhappiness / anxiety / depression so made me feel guilty about trying to tell her; was really weird about food and weight. All normal for her time and class I suppose.

SHAMELESS BOAST

the other day I was being a bit snippy with my daughter who is nearly 5. she was messing about a bit and I didn't think she was getting dressed fast enough. I left the room for a minute and thought "hang on, she's not even 5 yet, you're being a bit harsh here" and went back to apologise to her. When I entered the room she said "Mummy, you're being a bit mean, I'm only little and I'm trying my hardest." I said "I know! That's what I was thinking! I was coming back to say sorry because you're doing very well and I'm sorry for being impatient with you." I was so happy she knew it wasn't ok or normal; I was so happy she knew she should and could speak up and said what was wrong so clearly. I would never have dared do that with my mother, let alone when I was only 4. I am in general too impatient, it is my worst flaw, but if my daughter can pull me up on it I think I'm doing something right.

I've been doing it, but...

When I was younger, I would do a whole bunch of activities - as soon as I said "Mummy, I don't want to go", she'd say that was fine (I get that she was just trying to be nice)... I'd quit.

I've always made my children finish the term... When it got to the end, I'd ask if they still didn't enjoy it, they have always wanted to continue... If at any point it gets to the end of the term, and they still don't like it, they can leave (of course) but I'll always make them have 1 activity, they are welcome to choose whatever that is and constantly change it, if they so want.

I think this would have really helped me with confidence and not have developed into an obese child. I wish I had a hobby. I wish even more I started one when I thought I was too old (maybe 18 or so) I could have been fab by now!

My mum is lovely and she and my DDad were great parents, but there were somethings that I resent....although nothing compared to some of the above.

Mum would tell me off for something but would never explain why I shouldn't do it, or she tell me off for doing things that she'd never said not to do, so how was I supposed to know that she didn't approve of me shaving my legs when everyone else in my class was doing it.

Generally not talking TO me, more AT me, which meant I never really felt I could discuss problems or just things I was unhappy about with her

Definitely agree on the not making my DD finish everything on her plate (although she's only 4 months old right now so not really an issue) and I'm going to try very hard not to show love with food....I have a weight problem and always have had, I don't want my DD to go through life with that

Getting sectioned
Getting divorced
Not trusting "foreign muck" (food)
Voting conservative
Only ever buying british cars
Smoking with toddlers sat on lap/in the car ('twas the 70's)
Never wearing a seatbelt (ditto)
Cutting children's hair myself

Well where do I start?

I will never say to my DC l love you but don't like you
I won't Point score, whereby if they have upset me I will get at them by other means.
I will not Verbally bash to the point where I become aggressive/dismissive
I will Not Use guilt/emotional blackmail to get what I want
I will let them make life decisions and not try to control and micro manage their lives
I will not throw tantrums like a three year old
I tell my DC I love them everyday and l am affectionate

Indulge my younger child - whether or not she does have SN - to the detriment of my relationship with my husband and my other daughter.

Smacking, as a child of the seventies I suppose it happened a fair bit to others too, but I think it's counter productive and just shows a loss of control. I've never smacked my 4 year old and don't intend to either, I prefer other ways to discipline her. I remember being smacked hard in a shoe shop when I was about 5 because I wanted a pair of colourful shoes and not sensible school ones, the assistant was mortified, felt sorry for me and didn't know where to look, I still remember my Dad going mad to this day because I wouldn't do what he wanted.

Oh, if I'm talking my actual 'mum', not abandon my children after emotional and physically abusing them and telling SS how much I hate the child and want it adopted. I also wouldn't starve my children to the point they weighed half of their ideal body weight or lock them in a cupboard when crumbs were found in bed because they were so hungry they had to sneak out at night for food. Or fluch their heads down the toilet as punishment, make them get up in the night to wash their pyjamas at age 3 because they wet the bed through fear etc etc.

Basically be her in any way shape or form. I tell my DCs I love them every single day.

bakingdiva YES to never having an explanation! Sooo frustrating.

Smacking. I won't ever use physical violence to discipline or to control my DD.

I feel bad as I yelled at my two year old today. Totally screamed in his face. I am not feeling very well and am sleep deprived but I shouldn't lose my temper like that. I had planned to not yell at my children, like my mum did. At least I apologised and we moved on I suppose. And he just laughed at me anyway, I don't think I do angry very well!
I want my kids to not be embarrassed about people coming over because of the mess and random bits of eg manky fruit out in the kitchen and not thrown away.
I hope to respect their feelings, however silly they may seem to an adult. It's not always possible to have all the latest toys, gadgets and clothes but I understand why children want to have them and won't just rant about the cost assuming I can afford it.
I want them to develop their own interests rather than push them into pursuits that I am interested in. I used to prefer lying around watching TV eating junk (and still do!) to doing schoolwork so I shouldn't necessarily expect them to be motivated by learning for its own sake. I suppose this comes under the broader category of accepting that they may make mistakes just like I have. I grew up feeling like I needed to be perfect.

Not being affectionate, with us or each other.

We are the complete opposite as a result.

Everything. My so called parenting was a blueprint of what not to do.

Definitely the not explaining things, I don't think I have ever been given a reason ever. I always explain to my DCs why. It's so frustrating not be expected to do something and you have no idea why. I understand that children are people,with minds and opinions of their own.

Not say "are you a bit thick?" because I didn't quite get something or tell them they take things to heart too much or dismiss them with a "don't be so stupid". I always acknowledge their feelings and let them know they are allowed them. I wasn't allowed to be angry and show it either. DS gets very angry and I tell him to go to his room and be angry and just let himself calm down naturally. It always works and quite quickly. I'd get followed and severely told off for being angry so I've just learned to repress it. I still can't express it healthily and tend to bottle it all up or explode.

Scream at my dd the real horrifying details of how my dad died like my mum did to me all because she didn't want ms to follow on a party.
Call my daughter a bitch.
Not be good with money spend it on cars we can't afford then stress about money to the point my kids get anxiousome and not ask for money for school essentials.
Be with a bastard step dad.
Let my kids do what they want as teenagers.
Teach my kids to cook, clean and wash properly.
My mums good in Los if ways bit now I've had a kid I've realised a lot was wrong.

Tying them to the back of my bike with bungie straps during a bike ride. I wont be doing that