To ask what thing your parents did, that you will/have actively tried NOT to do when raising your own DC?

[ollieplimsoles]

I'll start,

I love my Mum to bits and we have a wonderful relationship, but I had a very serious phobia of needles growing up and I was a very anxious child. She wouldn't tell me I had to have an injection til the very last minute (she would just show up at school or we'd walk into the doctors) and I would have a panic attack. I wish she would have told me a few days before that I was going to have one and why, then I would have been able to make peace with it. It just meant that I couldn't relax when she took us out or at school, it made my phobia worse that she felt she needed to keep me in the dark about it too, like it was something she was also afraid of.

With DD I'm going to avoid doing that and try to be upfront with her from the start.

I get along with my mum now and I recognise that she was the way she was as she herself had an abusive upbringing (sexual and physical abuse from age 3). She grew up in Ireland the eldest child of two mentally ill people who shouldn't have been together. Never mind have 4 children. Her mum died in a mental hospital when my mum was 14 and her dad dropped dead inexplicably when she was 15. This resulted in her and her siblings being brought to England to stay with relatives who didn't want them. So I accept that my mum finds it hard. Doesn't excuse some things though.

I won't physically assault my child for buying the wrong thing on the list. It was a tin of mushroom soup instead of a packet. I knew if I went home empty handed there'd be trouble. So I made a decision. Buy a tin instead. She punched me in the face. I was 10. She made it up to me by letting me go to the cinema.

I won't turn my eldest into a slave. I won't expect him to take his siblings to school forcing him to be upto half an hour late himself. Then to pick them up so they are then left hanging around for 20-30 mins until he gets there. Only to get home and have him cook the family meal and do the majority of the housework. After a five mile round walk.

I won't feed them minuscule portions of food. Forcing them to steal food from shops, friends houses and school. I can't ever remember having lunch.

I won't let them be the smelly kids. I used to go to school (primary) stinking of wee, booze and fags. I had no normal clothes. Me and my brother were tormented for playing out in our school uniform on a Saturday.

I read them bedtime stories and tuck them in. I buy them pj's and nighties.
I once freaked out at dh for putting them to bed after a long car journey in their day tops and underwear. It just reminded me of my childhood.

I won't have physical arguments with dh and swallow all the pills in the medicine cupboard (which turn out to be old vitamins, iron, etc that she knew wouldn't do any harm) in front of the kids prompting the eldest to ring an ambulance and then get into trouble for wasting valuable resources.

I won't make them get out of bed at three in the morning to referee our fights, make us food and drinks and to do housework.

I raised my siblings. My mum who is now divorced from my abusive stepfather and in a good job has a new lease of life. I'm 37 now and can't help feeling resentment towards her. She really did change for the better when they split but I'm pissed off at the years of hell she put her kids through. We suffered too and she let us. One time she was rambling on at having done her bit child rearing wise. She was making it known that she wouldn't be babysitting childminding etc etc and dh said "Don't worry. OurKid will raise our kids. Like she raised yours." Her face.

Oh and I won't ever say "You don't keep dogs and bark yourself". I despise that phrase.

I won't have rooms or dinnerware in my house that are just kept "for good" and then in reality, hardly ever used. And I won't force my children to do piano lessons until every last bit of interest in msic is squeezed out of them by an abusive teacher

God, reading all this is awful - my one thing is to get my kids to do more around the house, I was bone idle as a teen. Should probably tell my parents they were great I used to whinge a lot too

I will be doing the exact opposite from my DM. This includes:

• telling my children that I love them, just because and not because I want to emotionally blackmail them or use it as an emotional band aid to make up for my awful drunken behaviour.
• I will not be constantly drunk and make up fantastical stories, presented as fact.
• I will not be constantly drunk and behave erratically meaning that my children still have huge problems with anxiety and conflict as adults.
• not hitting. Ever. This includes slapped faces, threats of violence, slapped legs and various other little tortures.
• be kind - I will not bully and abuse them emotionally, frightening them into not telling anyone and blaming them for my health concerns and for their own abuse in order to keep them quiet about the physical and emotional abuse I dish out.
• encourage them to be close to their siblings and to develop close sibling relationships, not play them off against each other and their DF until they have no hope whatsoever of ever having a functional relationship and are completely isolated from one another.
• compliment them on being strong, clever, kind etc - positive personality traits rather than calling them fat every day of their lives and comparing them to other people who are thinner, prettier, more intelligent until they develop eating disorders and then finally complimenting them on their figures when they periods have stopped and their hair has started falling out, with the caveat that their things are still a little bit too fat.
• Be supportive - I will not side with the other person as a matter of course, even when the other person has physically abused my child. I will not tell my child that they probably deserved the abuse, or that they shouldn't tell anyone as they have no idea what the person was going through when they physically abused.
• support and encourage their romantic relationships rather than giving them conflicting messages by telling them sex and relationships are natural but treating them like the whore of babylon if they actually have one.
• support and be a part of the excitement of their wedding rather than saying "you are going to turn up aren't you? Promise me?! Please?!!' in front of them, days before the big day
• realise that not everything is about me.
• not make everything about me.

I think that is pretty much it.

If I ever get cancer I will not hide it from my teenage children and leave them to find out the day before I die when they are summoned to my deathbed.

OurKid I recognise the dirty clothes thing. My parents were immaculately dressed, but we - except for the eldest - often didn't have clean clothes, and were forbidden from touching the washing machine.

I won't hit - I was still too frightened of my mother to go within 4 foot of her when I was 40.

I won't wake children up in the night to hit them, either.

I will not tell lies about money, or refuse to discuss money, or sex, or feelings on the grounds that is 'behaving like a housemaid.'

I will not withhold compliments - but lay about freely with the criticisms - on the grounds that being polite to a child is 'bad for you'.

I will not favouritise 'because men need more attention and care and money. And love.'

I make sure my DC know just because someone's an adult doesn't mean they know best or deserve respect / to obey them without question.

I cried a lot when a teen as I thought I had cancer as I had lumps. It was my breasts developing. That was hilarious:(

And where babies come from. For years I thought you picked one from a supermarket. My family all called me the "x" kid and my DM had chosen me from a pram left outside the shop. Sometimes I wonder:(

To go to church. Every Sunday without fail. Until the age of 16. And even in now middle age to be made to feel guilty for not going to church and to tell my children 'how disappointed I am that none of you celebrate Easter'. That is it.
The hair one too. I was not allowed to grow my hair, nor get my earspierced. "If God Wanted you to have holes in your ears you would have been born with them". And the heating one. My kids are never cold at home. They know how to switch the heating on (and off) and are certainly never repremanded for doing so.

Eleanora the same happened to a friend at school and when it did I was more shocked by their parents choice to conceal it and how long they concealed it for then their mothers death.

Not burning the Fish finger. every. single. time!

Elenora that must have been absolutely awful

Dh just told me that he will never use the phrases 'because I said so' and 'lifes not fair' to our dd

I am proud to say that I have never once spat on a hanky and scrubbed the whole wet, spitty mess into the corner of DC's mouth to wipe away chocolate etc.

My Mum used to spit on her hand and wipe our faces .... niiiiiice

I will not scream & shout at DH in front of the kids like my parents did. I believe it caused my lifelong anxiety issues and feelings of dread.

I will not battle with my children over what they eat; I will not have combative mealtimes leaving my children afraid of food.

I will not stay with a husband who cannot live a quiet and uneventful life; who needs sources of constant excitement and hedonism.

I will not let my children feel they have to eggshells around me. I will not be regularly moody for no apparent reason. If I am upset about something or having a bad day I will just say so and explain why - I will not let them think that it's their fault. I will never allow them run about trying to make everything perfect to make me happy.

Smoke, gamble, let me fall asleep on the sofa while she plays poker with a group of drunks, sware, and shout (although I do shout occasionally I try really hard not to).

reject the middle child (my poor sister).

And I say to my children that I love them.

Not put pressure on my son to be good at everything at school. I'm one of three and the only one of us to have gone to college /uni (my siblings have done well in other fields) but I always felt huge pressure from my parents to be good at absolutely everything at school and it caused me to be quite anxious about school from an early age.

I genuinely don't think they did I intentionally or to be awful - they wanted the best for me but they went about it in the wrong way.

My parents also made poor decisions with money - buying treats such as wine when they couldn't really afford to and getting into debt for things. The result of this is that they were often worried about money which I picked up on and I often felt I couldn't ask for things for school etc because they wouldn't have money for it. Clothes were often not in fashion so I felt different to my friends. I don't want my son to feel different or like he can't have anything.

Be organised with nursery/school stuff even though I work full time (as does DH) . DS is at nursery at the moment but I always make sure he takes part in dressing up days or I complete any craft activities requested or requests to take in items for an activity eg Easter bonnets. When we were kids, these things were often forgotten about/ only remembered when it was too late to do anything about it. It was always blamed on the fact that my parents worked full time and were too tired/busy. I appreciate they were tired and busy but I often felt sad/left out. No matter how tired or busy I am, I always make sure DS has the things for nursery so that he isn't left out.

I try to be more organised at home too - our house was always chaotic/untidy as was DH's and so I never wanted to bring anyone back - I'm not perfect by any stretch and ds is only 2 at the moment but I make a big effort to keep on top of things in the house.

Mine were great, but were and still are a bit tight, in the sense they will go to great lengths to pay the minimum for something to the point of inconveniencing themselves and making do for an inferior version.
I had some lovely clothing brands growing up but it was always the slightly odd sized and coloured stuff from outlet shops so if I wanted full price anything, even from New Look, I had to buy it myself. I grew up just buying loads of clothing I didn't need because it was cheap which only stopped in my 20s.

Would also never point to a photo from when my daughter was 10 and say "you used to be lovely and slim" when said daughter is 15 and a size 10 to 12 with actual boobs (D cups inherited from her!!).

Mine is quite trivial compared to these but I used to get really told off if I spilt anything. I once dripped chocolate ice cream down a pale coloured t shirt and it stained, I never heard the end of it about how I had "ruined that top". It was always said as though I'd done it deliberately.
DD can get as muddy/chocolatey as she likes unless she's a bridesmaid or something!

Liney that's how it was. My mum always looked great. She always wore pencil skirts and heels. She looked immaculate. When I got to 12 I started rebelling and I used the machines when she wasn't around. I also started bathing and washing my own bedding most days.

Elonora my mum made me hide my dads death from my siblings. I was only 9. I went from a (relatively) normal kid to a haunted child with the weight of the world upon me. I'd sit there in sickening silence while my little siblings begged to see dad. All while mum was shooting me 'don't you dare' daggers. I cracked and told a friend in school. She immediately told my sister. She was heartbroken. The school had to call my mum in as they'd never experienced anything like it. It's clear the headmaster thought my mum was crazy but looking back I think she thought she was doing the right thing at that moment and was blinded by her own trauma of parental loss as a child. I don't understand why she told me but then put that burden on me though.

I won't enable my children to avoided sport and exercise. I hated it, Mum hated it, she'd happily let me sit and read all day (alongside her!) It's not the worst thing in the world (and I got a good degree in English!) but I was an introverted tubby child who grew up into an introverted tubby adult.
I encourage my children to participate in things a lot more- and now have two very sociable sporty, healthy children (who still read, but not to the exclusion of everything else!)

My upbringing was awful so by default of actually being nice I will beat whatever my parents did. But the ones that stick out even more (than the horrific beatings)
I will celebrate what the achieve not what I want them too
I will never call them stupid/idiotic and beat them for not achieving 10/10 in spellings
I will make sure they have the decent branded stuff so they fit in
I will listen to hair style choices and take them to have proper cuts no matter how short/out there.
I will discuss periods with my dd. not just throw a towel the size of a duvet at her and walk off
I will make sure clean clothes and towels are always available
I will discuss sex, contraception and let them know they can approach me for anything and we can fix it together.
I won't make them so terrified to walk in the door not knowing what mood I'll be in.
I will take them for meals, days out and to the park
I will tell them I love them multiple times a day.

I went to live with my parents when I was 10 after 7 years in care, so had a bit of a difficult childhood before descending upon them. My Dad had two older DCs from a previous marriage, and was a very laid-back sort who just rolled with everything. My Mum was quite insecure and needy, and told me on the day I moved in "You'll never come first in this house, it will always be me". Which, when you're 10 and desperate for a family, you don't question. It's only as I grew up that I began to realise that she was jealous and insecure to the point where she essentially made my Dad choose between us, and my Dad, being the guy he was, said that his responsibility as a parent outweighed any commitment he'd made to her. They divorced the day I turned 18.

I've been determined since I was young to always put my DCs first. Always. I love DH, love the bones of him. But I deliberately chose a partner who was equally devoted and committed to his family, I suppose that's almost my way of making sure I don't repeat her mistakes.