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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what thing your parents did, that you will/have actively tried NOT to do when raising your own DC?

154 replies

ollieplimsoles · 04/04/2016 19:07

I'll start,

I love my Mum to bits and we have a wonderful relationship, but I had a very serious phobia of needles growing up and I was a very anxious child. She wouldn't tell me I had to have an injection til the very last minute (she would just show up at school or we'd walk into the doctors) and I would have a panic attack. I wish she would have told me a few days before that I was going to have one and why, then I would have been able to make peace with it. It just meant that I couldn't relax when she took us out or at school, it made my phobia worse that she felt she needed to keep me in the dark about it too, like it was something she was also afraid of.

With DD I'm going to avoid doing that and try to be upfront with her from the start.

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 04/04/2016 19:49

Making me let elderly relations interrupt. I told MIL not to. And enjoyed it!

Clawdy · 04/04/2016 19:49

Smacking. And moaning and complaining about other family members.

Alisvolatpropiis · 04/04/2016 19:54

Hmm not all that much, I think on the whole my parents did a pretty good job in all honesty.

But my mum does have a tendency to be overly critical and it could be quite crushing. I'm sure she didn't mean to have that effect but being aware that she did on me, I'll do my best to avoid doing the same to my own child.

Deathclawswouldrunfrommykids · 04/04/2016 19:54

Get drunk and verbally abuse them and any friends who are around at the time.

Alienate almost all family members to isolate them.

Actually I wouldn't parent like my mum at all. I can't think of one thing, outside of keeping us fed and housed that I would consider even mediocre parenting. At least she didn't hit us!

MewlingQuim · 04/04/2016 19:55

Ha. I think if I avoid doing anything my mother did then I'm probably being a better parent Grin

But mostly:

Not blaming my child for everything that I am not happy with. I will not tell my child she made me fat/ruined my life/makes my house filthy/made me old etc.

Not be a total prude. I hope to be able to discuss periods, sex, relationships etc. with my daughter, not just pretend it isn't happening. DM still couldn't handle the fact I lived with my boyfriend and wasn't married to him even after we had been together 9 years and were in our 30s

I also have a needle phobia. When I passed out DM gave me a slap and said I was only doing it being unconscious to get attention Hmm

flippinada · 04/04/2016 19:56

Smacking - didn't work as discipline, made me feel angry and resentful.

Mocking things they care about.

Marry someone and turn a blind eye to their hideous emotional abuse because 'I'm all right Jack' (thanks for that Dad).

UbiquityTree · 04/04/2016 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MewlingQuim · 04/04/2016 19:57

Oh, and smacking. I will never hit my child.

dementedma · 04/04/2016 19:58

Force feeding. Even food which made us vomit.
Have only to smell porridge to feel stressed and sick.

MammaTJ · 04/04/2016 19:58

Not sure about actively having to try not to emulate some of the bonkers stuff my mum did, most of it comes naturally.

Leaving a 9 and 10 year old home alone while going out to get pissed.

Discussing with a 10 year old (me) that 'Your Dad has made me have to take these' (showing me a valium bottle) and 'They are addictive, do you know what addictive means', then going on to explain.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 04/04/2016 19:59

I will, however, try and persuade my children NOT to settle down with someone who has never done a chore or paid board (if earning a bit) or who is free to come and go without being accountable to anyone. That way a very miserable adult relationship lies!

Owllady · 04/04/2016 20:00

I wouldn't know where to start :(

RabbitSaysWoof · 04/04/2016 20:00

Not allowing siblings to pick apart and undermine the confidence of another, being related doesn't stop it being bullying.
Show an interest in child's life and whats important to them, not belittle and fob them off every time they want some attention. Not make my child feel like an inconvenience.
Not have my child in a freezing cold house with no radiator in their bedroom, when I'm actually quite well off. Keep the house in good decorative order so they are not embarrassed to have their friends around. Arrange nice things, not every single day but to break the weeks up at least.

honeylulu · 04/04/2016 20:02

Favouritism.
Being punished for "answering back" even if trying to explain how/why you hadn't/couldn't have done the thing you were in trouble for.
Being told what to believe.

Jarstastic · 04/04/2016 20:02

Control them.

EponasWildDaughter · 04/04/2016 20:03

Showing unconditional respect/deference to all adults. I am teaching/have taught my kids that people have to earn respect and until then they are on 'neutral ground'.

Plus the sex thing. As far as my DM was concerned it just didn't exist i think Confused

WonderingAspie · 04/04/2016 20:04

I grew up with my GPs. They are brilliant and amazing and I've turned out ok, but I can see some real flaws in how they brought me up.

Never being open and talking about things. Everything was swept under the carpet and never mentioned again, I said I was self harming once (cry for help) and I got "aww, you shouldn't do that" and that was the end of it. Other stuff too. I always try and talk to my DCs about stuff and tell them they can always tell me anything.

Not letting the DCs have an opinion or say. They were pretty old fashioned and it was 'my house, my rules, do what I say when I say' from my DGF. They also have a very old fashioned relationship where the woman does everything and the man goes out to work and I don't want my DCs thinking this is the norm even though I don't work (due to ill health).

Commenting on the appeared of others. My nan saw a photo from a wedding the other day and the first thing she said was "she's a big girl" (the bride). Yes she is but it doesn't need to be commented on, especially in front of the DCs, I told her off that that. If she tells a story that involves a black person, it will involve "blah blah blah a coloured chap blah blah" the fact he was black will have no relevance to the story. I always pick them up on it. My nan also comments on people when we are out, and quite loudly or will point. My friends think it's funny, I'm cringing. I don't want them to judge people on appearance.

Sex! It was a very repressed household. It was never ever talked about at all. I could never have gone to them with a question. I was reading J17 and it said sex on the front. My DGF went mad and asked me what I was doing reading things like that. I was 15 and wasn't going to learn any other way! It's left me with issues. I will always answer my DCs questions in an age appropriate way and let them know they can come to me.

Princesspeach1980 · 04/04/2016 20:07

I would never force my kids to eat anything they really didn't want to. I can still remember the feeling of trying to force food past the lump in my throat while trying not to cry.

Arkhamasylum · 04/04/2016 20:07

Having nothing good to say about your children, in case it makes them 'big-headed'.

When they do well, accusing them of thinking they were better than you.

BarbarianMum · 04/04/2016 20:08

Refuse to provide boundaries.
Always protect my children from the consequences of their actions.
Provide unlimited freedom from responsibility.
Wait on them hand and foot.

^^The above proved a rather disastrous mix for db. I'm looking to turn out responsible adults after 18 years.

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 04/04/2016 20:10

My parents are lovely but extreemly eccentric. As kids, we were expected to embrace standing out and being different and life with the bullying
My kids will have the branded trainers and the must have school bag and the right bits and pieces to fit in.

Also, an isolated incident but amusing: Ddad once called us in from the street so we could watch him put out a chip pan fire. Its a useful skill to have but in a similar situation, I would not leave a fire unattended in order to find some children (who were safely playing away from the fire) and get them to stand near it.

Figuringitout · 04/04/2016 20:10

Sounds petty compared to some of the others but mine are:
I won't ever let my daughters hear me speak negatively about my body, even if I feel shit. I will take them swimming, wear shorts on the beach and refuse to be uptight just because I am not a size 8.
I will talk to them about sex and relationships and never make them feel ashamed or guilty about their bodies or their feelings.
I will make sure that they know there is nothing that I wouldn't want to help them fix. Whatever they had done I would always love them, and help them to sort it out.
I want them to be confident in the fact that I love them and want them to be happy. Whatever that means in terms of their career choices, partners, lifestyles etc.
Oh, and I will NEVER force them to finish all of the food on their plate.

Dollymixtureyumyum · 04/04/2016 20:13

Having an awareness of what others kids wear and try to help my children fit in a little bit. I don't mean in a named gear and the most expensive trainers sort of ways. I mean in a not having totally different socks to the other kids and not being made to wear daft underware such as an underskirt so everyone teases when you get changed for PE. Having dimonds on my summer dress instead of squares in a different shade of blue.

My mum did not do it on purpose she just did not have a clue

redexpat · 04/04/2016 20:14

Not smacking.
Respecting their body autonomy.
Teach conflict resolution.
Decent hair cuts.
Not have screaming rows with DH, and leave him if he ever screams at me or hits me. Self esteem all the way.

LaurieMarlow · 04/04/2016 20:15

Confusing food with love and thus raising over eaters.

Allowing one child off household chores because he's 'difficult'