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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to, in a way, not want my son to succeed?

30 replies

GingerLeaves · 04/04/2016 17:15

This may be quite long...

I have 2 sons - I'm due a 3rd.

My eldest son is in a West End musical; he has a pretty big role and I'm definitely very proud/supportive of him.

However, his role is about to finish and he wants to attend an open audition (to be in a different musical). This will be an even bigger role and he'll have to move several hours away (for a minimum of 6 months)... He can talk to me/come home every 3 weeks - he may not even get the role and in a way, I kind of wish he doesn't? Sad am I a really horrible mum?

My other son is ill, he has to go to the hospital a lot and I'm 30 weeks pregnant. It's tough... I try and find one family member, who can attend his performances - whether that's me, DH, his nan, etc.

If he does this other show, I'm not sure how well he'll cope, with no one there... Oh, I don't know, I don't even know what I'm getting at! AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 04/04/2016 17:18

How old is he?

WorraLiberty · 04/04/2016 17:19

Aww that does sound tough, but you've forgotten to tell us his age.

Original poster
GingerLeaves · 04/04/2016 17:19

Oh, I'm sorry. He's 10 Smile

OP posts:
Sirzy · 04/04/2016 17:23

Sounds tough, but I guess if he is there and happy in a way it could take some of the pressure of juggling childcare.

Hope whatever happens it works out well for you all

ConfuciousSayWhat · 04/04/2016 17:26

That must cost you a fortune in ticket fees! If he goes for the bigger role he needs to know there won't be people there for every show, it's par for the course

RubbleBubble00 · 04/04/2016 17:28

Sit down and talk to him. Explain that you will be there first night and last night but won't be there for the rest

Original poster
GingerLeaves · 04/04/2016 17:30

I'm going to be worried sick... I'll miss him so much - I'll hate that no one will be there Sad I know it's part of it, but it's just a little tough...

He does 4 nights a week, sometimes 3. Tickets aren't too bad Smile managers are very good.

OP posts:
Bailey101 · 04/04/2016 17:35

That sounds rough Sad Your feelings are totally understandable, just as long as you don't let ds get an inkling of how you feel.

Would he be staying with a host family? If they've got kids the same age, he'd probably end up having a great time - you'll be feeling it more then him.

Original poster
GingerLeaves · 04/04/2016 17:38

He'd be staying in a house, with the other child roles, with chaperones. He may not even get it yet, but the director wants to see him separate, so it looks promising Sad

OP posts:
greenfolder · 04/04/2016 17:50

I think you need to resolve to cross that bridge when you come to it. In the meantime let DS know how proud you are. If he is offered a role you will have final say on whether it is suitable for him to do.

magratsflyawayhair · 04/04/2016 17:51

I understand your feelings, I think they're understandable, but if he understands the result of getting it, in that you won't be there every night, and wants to go ahead, I'd encourage him. He must be really good, I'd be reluctant to stifle it.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 04/04/2016 17:53

If it was me I'd have to let him go for it - sounds like he'd be well looked after if he got it - slightly like going to boarding school?
But nothing wrong with feeling a certain amount of que sera about it all Smile

Thing is with that relaxed approach - and all his experience - behind him he'll probably blimmin' go and get it won't he?!

Youarentkiddingme · 04/04/2016 17:53

Of course you'll miss him. But it will be just like boarding school. Plenty of children his age board. Admittedly they aren't all west end stars! (Btw that is brilliant!).

I'm sure your DS knows that if he moves so far away he won't have family there everyday. But it also sounds like he knows what he wants to do.
And yes if the director wants to see him privately it's likely a done deal - most children have been watched on stage and pitted for karts before they decide to audition!

BillSykesDog · 04/04/2016 17:55

It's totally understandable to feel that way. But you know you can't stand in his way don't you? It's a huge opportunity, he must have worked incredibly hard to get to this position. He's also very lucky, lots of children would love to do this and have no success. Have a vent on here, paint on your best smile, grit your teeth and wish him the best.

Original poster
GingerLeaves · 04/04/2016 17:55

Thank you all Smile definitely nice to know that you don't think it's a problem to let him go/feel this way.

OP posts:
Viewofhedges · 04/04/2016 17:57

Let him go for the role but if he does get offered it, have a chat to the producer and the chaperone organiser and explain your concerns. If they are a decent producer they will help you work things out. I'm sure they will be very used to young kids getting homesick and dealing with other family concerns.

Does he have an agent / can you check the contract very thoroughly to make sure that there is a break clause if you / he cannot cope? That might help allay your fears.

I agree with others that he'll probably have a blast, and may not understand if you say no now; but I do think you should make sure that the production company are aware of your very reasonable concerns and do what they can to help you. I've looked after kids on films and we bend over backwards to make sure that the whole family is happy. And you can do this without being an awful stage mum!

Original poster
GingerLeaves · 04/04/2016 18:00

Yeah, he has an agent. We've seen a brief contract, but we won't see the actual final one, until he is offered it Smile if he is, I'll definitely ask!

OP posts:
Ditsy4 · 04/04/2016 18:13

As hard as it will be for you I think you should let him help make the decision. Sit him down and explain and if he still wants the opportunity let him go. Boys of that age are pretty good at being independent( I work with this age group ) and the problem is that he might regret it and hold it against you later. The final decision is of course yours as his parents. Six months is a long time but kids of his age do go to boarding school. What would happen if he missed home too much could he go or will they hold him to the contract?

WetLettuce123 · 04/04/2016 18:15

He'll cope. Please don't use the excuse of protecting your son to actually clip his wings. He won't thank you for it. Encourage him in his dreams. He's still your son no matter how successful he is. I know it comes from a good place because you love him and I'm sorry your other son isn't well, but really you must know you are being dreadfully unreasonable and selfish.

ollieplimsoles · 04/04/2016 18:17

Op, you're an amazing mum fir being supportive in him following his dreams with everything else you have going on.

And yanbu, it sounds tough, but I agree you should have a talk to him about what is going to happen of he still wants to take the role should he get it.

I hope he does get it and goes on to be fantastic!

Original poster
GingerLeaves · 04/04/2016 18:17

I'm not sure, I think they may hold him to it? Im not sure though. I'll definitely ask them about it - he went away for his Yr 6 trip and loved it (I know it was only a week, but he can come home every 3 weeks) Smile he has also been away for competitions, etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
GingerLeaves · 04/04/2016 18:22

I agree, I'd never stop him from doing it, I'd never tell him he couldn't. It's just, if he didn't end up getting it, I might not be gutted? I don't know, I'm SO proud and I know he loves what he does, but he's still so little!

OP posts:
StopBoasting · 04/04/2016 18:25

Have you posted about him before or are there several MNers with sons I the west end.

I think your reaction is perfectly understandable - it be brilliant if he gets it and ok if he doesn't.

I love watching kids I west end shows - some of them are incredibly talented.

Original poster
GingerLeaves · 04/04/2016 18:27

No, I haven't posted about him before! There's about 100 children who take part in the current show he is in, so it's definitely possible! Me too, I never get bored of seeing them Smile

OP posts:
akkakk · 04/04/2016 18:35

Part of an adult's role is to help a child become the best 'fred-shaped' child they can (replace fred with name of child!) - i.e .it is not about how the world sees them, but about how you help them fulfill the gifts / talents / abilities they might have...

this means that:

  • it can be tough for the parents at times (if their talents mean logistics like these)
  • it could be about choosing which of their talents they can fulfill - they may have many...
  • it can mean balancing their ability to fulfill those talents with the overall family needs
  • it can mean balancing the needs of multiple children
  • it is rarely easy!

not sure that helps :) but I suspect from your comments you know much of this and will let him have that opportunity, but don't feel guilty about how you feel - you have a lot of pulls on you / your time / your emotions and you seem to be balancing the need to help him fulfill his talents and all the other pressures - well done for doing a difficult job!

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