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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my ds around me at the moment?

49 replies

PotterBot · 04/04/2016 14:29

I'm prepared to be flamed here but I'm at the end of my tether.

I've been bringing my dc up alone for 8 years. Ds and ds's have different dads.

Last night 13 year old ds hit his 8 year old sister across the face hard.

I absolutely lost it with him. His father beat me which is why I left him, dd was crying. The entire house was hysterical.

I told him in a rage that I didn't want him around anymore. His behaviour towards his sisters has become increasingly spiteful and he is like a sneaky bully.

I have no idea what to do with him. I have revoked all privileges.

He doesn't like his father's side of the family. But I'm wondering if I should send him there for a few days as 'punishment'.

I am at a loss and so upset.

OP posts:
ceebie · 04/04/2016 14:35

I can understand why you lost it with him. However, this is not going to solve his behaviour. Why is he acting this way? Have you spoken to him about his feelings and what is going on with him?

Original poster
PotterBot · 04/04/2016 14:36

He says he is angry all the time and he doesn't know why. He has a lot of anger towards his dad but he never sees him so he takes the anger out on us.

I'm so upset by the way I spoke to him I said some horrible things but I have told him so many times to stop.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 04/04/2016 14:38

It sounds like things have been difficult for all of you.

Sending him away wouldn't be a good idea, it'll reinforce the feeling he might have that you don't love him as much as his sister.

Have you asked at school about his behaviour and sought any advice?

Gizlotsmum · 04/04/2016 14:38

If he is saying he is angry but doesn't know why I would look into getting him some counselling and other help.

MartinaJ · 04/04/2016 14:39

Would you say he needs counselling and a parent who supports him? He's 13, an age which is horribly difficult to overcome for troubled children. Please get him some counselling and don't give up on him. This world doesn't need another troubled soul. Sometimes troubled teens improve when shown trust and support.

Fairenuff · 04/04/2016 14:39

What do you mean by 'lost it' with him? Getting in a rage with him is just creating the environment that you are trying to avoid.

Take some time to calm and then have a conversation with him.

Original poster
PotterBot · 04/04/2016 14:40

He is getting on well at school no problems there.

I feel like I should apologise to him but I'm still so cross and feel let down by his behaviour.

OP posts:
EatShitDerek · 04/04/2016 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PotterBot · 04/04/2016 14:42

I really shouted at him and he was just lying face down on the sofa ignoring me so I pulled him up.

I don't ever get physical with him but his sister had a big red mark on her face. She is 8!

My worry is that her dad will report my son to the police. He has to see how wrong it is for him to hit her but he just doesn't seem to get it.

OP posts:
Original poster
PotterBot · 04/04/2016 14:44

I do support him. I've been his mum and his dad his entire life. His father is useless. It seems since he has become a teenager he has had a personality change.

OP posts:
inlovewithhubby · 04/04/2016 14:49

I think it's great for kids to receive an apology from a parent for unreasonable behaviour, it sets a really good example about how you can recover from a bad choice. Tell him you're sorry for what you said and your (self confessed) over reaction but explain about the things you don't like - his reaction to his sibling. You can apologise for your bad behaviour whilst still objecting appropriately to his.

Sounds like you're connecting his behaviour to your ex though which isn't fair - your son is his own person and shouldn't be judged against his father's mistakes or violent conduct.

Shouting begets shouting - try to find a calmer solution. If he gets shouted at when he shouts or is mean, you are creating the very situation you want to prevent. Count to ten, make sibling safe and leave the room, take time out etc, before addressing things with him if it helps you to deal calmly.

But no, I don't think YABU to find things hard and make mistakes. We all do. But it's a really good example to apologise for those errors in judgement. It shows you are human and honest. Might even help bring him around to the same behaviour.

I'd echo professional help too if you are struggling to deal alone. No weakness in needing help. Masses of luck to you all.

ceebie · 04/04/2016 14:52

This problem isn't going to go away until he can work through his angry feelings and how to manage them. He needs a professional to help him - look into counselling options.

catewood21 · 04/04/2016 14:52

His hormones are in overdrive that is why is emotions are out of control.he doesn't understand what is happening and it is frightening him.You need to explain all this to him and help him find better ways to cope with his his emotions.You are projecting the situation with his dad onto your DS , but it is totally different
the police are not going to be interested in a one off sibling spat!

EveryoneElsie · 04/04/2016 14:54

Dont apologise.
It wouldnt be a bad thing for him to face consequences for this.
He has to apologise to his sister and make reparation, and you can send him for counselling.
Your DD should be involved and have some say as to the outcome.

Try not to compare him to anyone else. I know its hard in the heat of the moment.
I would strongly recommend you go for assertiveness classes. Flowers

neolara · 04/04/2016 15:00

I think shouting at your ds when he has whacked his little sister hard around the face is an entirely appropriate response. Unless you completely lost the plot and ranted and raved like a lunatic, I wouldn't apologise.

I would also be thinking about consequences for hitting his sister.

I think some kind of counselling may be a good idea but it's unlikely to change hi overnight. I'd also be looking into getting him involved with some kind of activity (sport, scouts, cadets?) that involves being physical, lots of discipline and strong male role models.

BertieBotts · 04/04/2016 15:01

Definitely definitely don't send him to his Dad's. That would send completely the wrong message. He has to know that you still love him even if you're angry with him, and of course it's fine to show that you feel angry and hurt by his actions and part of that might be that you don't want to spend time with him. I think that's okay, at 13. But don't send him away.

While it's not okay that he hit his sister, she is his sister, and sibling fights do happen. I agree he deserved to be punished for it, but I also agree with posters who are saying you are projecting your fears about your ex.

Flowers for you - it's tough dealing with this kind of thing, especially when you might have PTSD yourself and I think it can sometimes be worse when your child is a boy, especially if they look like their father (especially if they look like them most when they are angry...) but your DS is not his father and getting angry and lumping his sister one is quite within the realms of a normal brother-sister thing and a normal teen thing, it doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with him or he is about to become a violent thug. My sister once hit me on the head with a really hard Playstation controller, I think I saw stars, but we get on great now :)

I think that it would help to speak to CAMHS, perhaps via your GP, and ask for support for him.

LeaLeander · 04/04/2016 15:01

Clearly he needs counseling. It sounds as thought the whole family dynamic is a toxic stew. And he is well on his way to becoming an abuser of women. I would seek therapy for him on an urgent basis.

I wouldn't call this a spat. And in a couple of years when he is larger and stronger - what's it going to be like then? Giving sister and mom a whack about the face when things don't go his way?

Stormtreader · 04/04/2016 15:03

Sounds like he really could use some counselling or similar around his anger issues - hormones is one thing, but hitting a girl smaller than him hard enough to leave a red mark is not acceptable behaviour, no matter how hormonal or angry he feels.

corythatwas · 04/04/2016 15:04

You need to keep separate in your mind:

a) he is not allowed to hit his little sister- he has to apologise and accept that this must not happen again

b) he is not responsible for the feelings inspired in you by his abusive father and it is not fair to project that on him

c) if he has witnessed abuse he is likely to have suffered as much damage as you have: he may need help

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 04/04/2016 15:12

LeaLander, I think that's a bit OTT!

OP, I don't think your family dynamic is a toxic stew based on this one incident. Nor do I think that your son is likely to grow up as an abuser of women. I do think that you should consider counselling for him if this is just one of a stream of similar incidents; but if it is a one-off I would talk to him about it and issue a punishment and leave it at that. Kids (siblings) do hit each other, and a 13 year-old may not completely understand why hitting an 8 year-old is unacceptable. They tend to be very hung up on 'fairness' - you might want to do a lot of talking about keeping things in proportion - ie, even if she did say/do something really annoying, hitting her is always wrong. That sort of thing!

corythatwas · 04/04/2016 15:16

Also agree with ExtraMature that a 13yo hitting an 8yo (though clearly not to be allowed) is different from an older person hitting: they are often very immature at this age.

sixinabed · 04/04/2016 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Owllady · 04/04/2016 15:31

I think lashing out at a younger sibling is quite normal, not ideal but not abnormal Confused

corythatwas · 04/04/2016 15:32

The danger with assuming his behaviour is setting him on the way to something bad is that it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If your own mother thinks you are going to grow up into an abuser, what hope have you?

sixinabed · 04/04/2016 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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