To not want my ds around me at the moment?

[PotterBot]

I'm prepared to be flamed here but I'm at the end of my tether.

I've been bringing my dc up alone for 8 years. Ds and ds's have different dads.

Last night 13 year old ds hit his 8 year old sister across the face hard.

I absolutely lost it with him. His father beat me which is why I left him, dd was crying. The entire house was hysterical.

I told him in a rage that I didn't want him around anymore. His behaviour towards his sisters has become increasingly spiteful and he is like a sneaky bully.

I have no idea what to do with him. I have revoked all privileges.

He doesn't like his father's side of the family. But I'm wondering if I should send him there for a few days as 'punishment'.

I am at a loss and so upset.

[midsummabreak]

Agree with 'inlovewithhubby' "You can apologise for your bad behaviour whilst still objecting appropriately to his." an 'corythatwas' Your son "is not responsible for the feelings inspired in you by his abusive father and it is not fair to project that on to him"
We as parents, as challenging as it is at times, need to conduct ourselves in the way that we expect our children to conduct themselves.That doesn't mean that we can never show anger. But it does mean that we should be grown up enough to admit when we have been at fault,such as when we have said or done hurtful things in anger that we now regret (such as "telling him in a rage that I don't want him around anymore" as obviously your son needs to feel you love him unconditionally, and will work through this with him, addressing his inappropriate physical abuse towards his little sister) I hope you can support your son to access counselling both with you, and seperately if poss. You sound like a loving Mum who has been through so much , and no doubt can draw on the strengths you used in the past to help you through these trying teen years My teen boys have at times been very rude, and one of them quite oppositional and I feel your pain- I too, have made mistakes, and had to apologise for saying hurtful thing in anger. I don't feel you need to be beyond reproach to be a successful parent, Boundaries can still be maintained with calmness and by being honest and showing how to admit fault.

[Ditsy4]

How much did he see when he was younger? I agree I would look into getting him some counselling. I would also say it isn't abnormal for siblings to hit each other but with the background and the way he is feeling it might be wise.
Please don't send to him away to an environment where they might not think there is a problem. Remove his phone, computer, iPad etc for a few days then calmly discuss why you were upset. Tell him how much you love him but that you find this behaviour unacceptable. Talk about the age difference too as it is worse with her being so much younger. Talk about ways to react if she is annoying him. Count to 20, walk away , go to the toilet( she is less likely to follow him there) and about hormones and controlling anger.

[foodiefil]

So sorry for what your experiencing. Although I think LeaLander was a touch dramatic I do wonder if help outside the family dynamic could help? You need to keep an eye on the violence, there are 1000s of mothers (MOTHERS) out there who are physically abused by their sons. It's a shocking statistic and a well known charity are taking the issue to parliament (because the mums never report it and just suffer in silence).

I think he should see your reaction to this, he should see that it is terrible behaviour but if he is admitting to feeling angry all the time he is obviously suffering himself. Does he have a father figure in his life?

Agree with corythatwas and as hard as it will be give him as much love as you can. And great point from six about apologising. Huge pet peeve of mine when people can't admit when they're wrong and say sorry. Explain why you reacted, people sometimes react with their gut and their head catches up later. You're human

[MatildaTheCat]

It's good that he has talked to you about his anger. It probably scares him to feel so angry and I'm sure he is ashamed of hitting his sister.

Use this as an opportunity to discuss anger management and find ways for him to channel those emotions in a better and less distructive way. Martial arts are great for self discipline, a punch bag, running.

All families have rows and fights, it's all part of growing up. There will be loads of advice on the Internet as to managing these situations and also avoiding flash points.

[PotterBot]

I don't know what he remembers he was very young.

His father beat me and punched me in the face when he was 2. I took him and ran and never went back.

When he was a bit older his father snatched him off me I had to grab him out of the car.

[Nottodaythankyouorever]

I think you do need to apologise to him whilst not excusing his behaviour iyswim.

You physically pulled him up too as you felt he wasn't listening to you.

It isn't fair to compare him to his dad. He is his own personal.

I agree with others that counselling would be a good start.

[Bubblesinthesummer]

potter You would be suprised as to what children remember.

When my DNiece and DNephew started counselling after they witnessed DV against by DBro by his exW he was shocked as to how much they actually knew. Stuff he was sure they would have been too young to remember.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

I agree with everyone saying, he's a child, not an abuser of women, and I see no reason to believe your family is a toxic stew, or casserole, or tagine for that matter :)

But seriously, does your DS know his dad hit you/ physically abused you?

You need to break the association for you between the way the man made you feel, and what your son has done.

But also, DS himself maybe be struggling with associations of his own... Children of abusive parents can grow up to be very scared that they are also bad, it having passed down to them. I wonder if that's playing a part in his behavior at the moment?

Being a teen at the mercy of such strong emotions can feel pretty awful at the best of times. But what a terrifying thing, to think you have this badness inside and it's coming out on the people you love most in the world, and it feels like you can't control it...

Obviously I don't know if that could be part of it, but maybe worth a thought?

And please don't send him to his fathers as 'punishment', it will strengthen the sense of belonging, and of the inevitability that he is his father... You need to show him he is not his father by every means possible, otherwise he may just give up and accept his 'destiny'.

Other than that, he hit his sister too hard, too often (once, being too often). And a reaction to show him violence will never be acceptable is a good thing I think. But hand in hand with helping him too. And making sure he feels part of the family, not you and DD, and him on his own.

Teens are like toddlers goes the mantra... And so with that in mind, can you work out some anger management techniques with him? Hate the behavior not the child, accept that tantrums happen (though not accept violence to you or dd of course), don't engage until it's over etc etc.

Going right back to basics, and letting him know that it's ok to feel anger, and we can't just deny it, but it's what we do with it that counts. How can he take out his anger in positive ways? How can he redirect it, and hold it until he can get away from triggers. Also keeping a note of where, when, who, how when he loses it, and trying to help him find patterns.

[wheresthel1ght]

Potter there is a very good chance that his behaviour is down to him starting to remember things that happened when he was younger and also understanding about his dad not whinge around and not being interested. He is old enough to understand and out 2 & 2 together but not yet emotionally mature enough to cope with it all.

You have some hard times ahead of you but the biggest priority is to move forwards. I know others are saying you shouldn't apologise, but actually I disagree. You have told him off for being angry and over stepping the mark and then done exactly the same (however understandable it was) so you need to now teach him that it is ok to make mistakes as long as you are truly sorry about them.

I would suggest that you find someone who can have your dd for a couple of hours and spend some time talking to him about how you both move on and improve things. Ask him if he wants to talk to someone about his feelings of being angry, talk to him on a grown up way rather than a child and let him be part of the solution.

Good luck!

[JassyAlconleigh]

You've had some excellent advice here. Just wanted to add that apologising is an excellent start. He's 13 and you are the adult.

By your own admission, you behaved badly. You need to model to him that horrible times can happen when tempers are lost but that calmly discussing, with love and respect, will help you all move forward.

If you can, I would also agree that counselling is an excellent plan for him to have a safe relationship with a professional adult with will look at his anger and physical violence and work on strategies to manage it and the causes, which he probably cannot even begin to fathom.

I wish you well; everyone does things that make them feel terrible. Well done on having the courage to ask for opinions All will be well.

[RubbleBubble00]

no excuse for hitting so consequences like treat removals need to be used and he needs help with his aggression. No way should he be sent away, couldn't think of worse rejection.

How did it get to this point that he lashed out. We're they both arguing? Was he being mean to dd? Was she antagonising him?

Could you talk through situation and discuss a bit how both yourself and ds could have handled it differently.

[Lordamighty]

Before you do anything he should be apologising to his sister. No 13 year old should be slapping an 8 year old & getting away with it. He is not the victim here the actual victim of a physical assault is an 8 year old girl.

I used to be your DD, my half brother was 4 years older than me & I took more beatings off him than I care to remember. He was also sneaky & sly & a bully, mostly he got away with it because I didn't want to get him into trouble with my Dad.

I can't believe the sympathy he is getting on here. Those of you who think it is is hard being 13 ought to try being an 8 year old who is being physically assaulted in her own home where she should be safe.

[liinyo]

I have worked with young people who have witnessed physical abuse at a very early age (and also experienced this myself). Although they and I have no conscious memories of the events it can have a very profound effect. I am thinking of one young man who having seen his dad hit his mum in anger was terrified of feelings of anger in himself and would turn them inward and harm himself rather than express even minor irritation at his mum. Just a few weeks of counselling turned things around for this boy enabling him to understand and express his fury and frustrations safely and I think your son could benefit from counselling too. And the good news is that the younger he gets this the better and quicker it can work. . It might also help you to see someone to try and work through your feelings about what his dad put you through. Your family is not a 'toxic stew' at all, but it sounds as if the issues in your quite recent past are effecting you all

Most of all though, well done for getting him and you away from his dad.
And please don't send him away. He is your son and thirteen is still very young, he is still a child inside. he needs to experience boundaried consequences for bad behaviour but reinforced by you showing him you love him and that he matters. Sending him to a family that produced an abuser won't help with that at all.

[BoatyMcBoat]

Can your ds stay with grandparents - your parents - for a few weeks. Talk to the school about his behaviour at home, talk to your gp, see if you can get a fast referral to CAMHS for him.

[BoatyMcBoat]

Or maybe the girls can have a break by going to gps or friends, while you get your ds to yourself to work on his anger, and get the ball rolling on finding him specialist help.

No matter what, your girls don't deserve this and you must protect them somehow.

[PotterBot]

I can't send the girls. Dd1 has Sen and wouldn't be able to cope.

He has gone to my mums tonight just so I can get some headspace.

I spoke to him briefly and said I love you but you crossed a line. I crossed a line grabbing you and I shouldn't have done that.

We had a bit of a hug and then I spoke to the girls about giving him some space too.

[Comeonmommy]

I am sorry you are going through so much at the moment.

This may sound silly but what about a punch bag? You mentioned ds said he always feels angry - this way he can pound the bag when ever he needs to.......it may calm him down

[Lunar1]

Can you get some time with just you and your ds?

[Charley50]

Hi Potter hope things are better today. I agree with a PP who suggested scouts, or air cadets, police cadets or sea scouts or similar. It will be really good for him to have some positive male role models and to channel his energy in exciting positive ways. It's hard for a mum to be mum and dad for years and years too.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

He's seen you being hit by his father, so maybe be thinks that's how you deal with things. You don't want him turning into that brute. I think yes he needs punishment of course he does, but I also think he needs counselling along with anger management.

[midsummabreak]

Hi PotterBot hope you had some special time alone with your daughters and feel better today. Hope your son was calm and able to think about his behaviour while away from you all for the night.
Thinking about how maybe you can support your son to change his attitude which at the moment is shaping his behaviour. When you said he feels angry all the time and doesn't know why, i am wondering if this is childhood depression (which often presents as irritability and angry outbursts) ? If you can get your GP to make a referral for counselling you could ask about this?
Is he constantly viewing himself and others in a negative way , unable to see the good in himself and others? Maybe he feels overwhelmed and not sure how to feel in control of such angry feelings?
Teach him to switch from feeling sorry for himself to being very clear that life is not always fair for each and every one of us, and that things don't always go your way- we all come to realise this as we grow up.
Teach him that our anger stops us from thinking clearly so we need to allow ourselves time to calm down first so we can brainstorm solutions to the problem .

Teach him to trust in himself and learn to love and accept himself as he grows into a young man. To build a loving relationship with others, we first need to have a healthy and trusting relationship with ourselves

I am glad you had a bit of a hug with your son before he was sent to your Mums sounds like you are How is your daughter today and hope your son can apologise to her again properly so that he can start again reaching for the best he can be always

[manifestdestiny]

I know it's a bit random but maybe get him to write a letter to his dad. Let him get angry and let rip on his dad.

He doesn't have to send it, he could burn it.

Just an idea, I've done this before to a boyfriend who treated me like shit when I was having MH issues. I burnt the letter and it was really a relief to get all my anger, hurt, pain and rage out.