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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell mother in law she can't buy cake for Ds's party

125 replies

Mooey89 · 04/04/2016 12:59

(Ex) MIl has history for being really overbearing with the children (she was the swimsuit stealer under my old username of Fairy13 if any of you remember!)
It's DS birthday party soon, and she has 'offered' to buy him a handmade birthday cake. This is really, genuinely very kind, but I have plans to make one myself. He's only 3, and I have planned it and been quite excited about doing it, and don't want her spending £40 + on a posh handmade one.
I thanked her for her kindness and suggested that what would really be helpful is if she could help me put together party bags and other organisational things instead.
I was really VERY polite about it but she says I'm denying her the treat of doing this and that I'm being deliberately difficult because I don't want her involved with DS (she sees him weekly which I organise - exH doesn't take him to see her on his weekends at all).

Maybe I am being a bit picky, it's only a cake, but I really have had my heart set on making one for him and have planned what it will be... I am trying to involve her in the planning of stuff and even suggested that I would appreciate her help with the actual baking as Nigella I am most definitely not!

AIBU??

OP posts:

tupperwareAARGGH · 04/04/2016 20:25

OMG I remember your threads and was gobsmacked by them. Glad you left your ex though as he sounded a twat!

She's awful. You need to be a bit stroppier with her and turn it back on her. She is not your childs mother and let her know that.

TBH I'm amazed you have managed to have the patience to still have her in your life, she's mad!

RaspberryOverload · 04/04/2016 21:22

gottachangethename1 Mon 04-Apr-16 19:33:22
Sometimes you have to pick your battles. At 3 he is unlikely to care where the cake comes from. Why not let her do it, it will give you time to do other stuff for the birthday boy.

This particular MIL has serious boundary issues. It's not just about the cake. I remember the old threads, too.

PainAuChocolat23 · 04/04/2016 22:11

Your mil should back off and let you make your ds a cake for his birthday. A friend of mine told me she was going to make my ds 1st birthday cake for me. She got told where to go as 1 ill make my own sons cake and 2 im pretty decent at them

EveryoneElsie · 04/04/2016 22:19

YANBU and three year olds are enchanted with home made cakes, no matter how wonky.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/04/2016 23:18

Why not have 2 cakes, you can never have enough cake.

Rainbunny · 04/04/2016 23:25

OP all you need to do is sweetly explain to your MIL that you need the practice so that by the time you have a future DIL, you can be the overbearing MIL who insists on making her DGC's cake to the seething resentment of your DIL! ;) Deliver that line and sit back and wait as the meaning dawns on your MIL's face...

MrsMushrooms · 04/04/2016 23:30

YANBU AT ALL. You're his mum, if you want to bake him a cake then you should, it's lovely that you want to and pictures of wonky homemade cakes will be much more cherished in years to come than snapshots of something MIL bought. Your baking skills are irrelevant, there aren't 2 sides here, you bake your boy a cake if you want to!

LittleGreyBear · 05/04/2016 11:25

YANBU. I look forward to making cakes for birthdays too. I think you've done the right thing and offered other ways she can help. Just explain that it's really important to you.

TheNaze73 · 05/04/2016 12:40

She sounds like a nightmare. It's your child and she has lost sight of that. Honestly, how do people like that get through life? Staggers me

Ohfourfoxache · 05/04/2016 13:37

OP you're a saint for facilitating contact with this woman. She is utterly fucking batshit and has some of the biggest boundary issues I've ever read about on here.

As an aside, how are you doing? Do you get to see your step dd? X

Original poster

Mooey89 · 05/04/2016 14:31

fox I'm doing so so well. DS is thriving, I'm thriving.
Ex does not allow me to see DSD. He often agrees contact and then cancels. She's 11 now so no hiding it. She does have a mobile and texts me daily and I see her at DS handovers. Thanks for asking.

OP posts:

Alasalas2 · 05/04/2016 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GeezAJammyPeece · 05/04/2016 15:18

I totally get why under normal I.e. ones which don't involve a total whackjob circumstances, the idea of 2 cakes is no biggie; after all, you can never have to much cake!

However, in this particular instance, it's not really about THE CAKE; it's more about what accepting the cake means for the op & her MIL.

Just letting her carry on as she pleases means that Mooey89 's exMIL continues to think her actions are justified & acceptable (which they are not!) She will continue to be unpleasant, push boundaries & make unreasonable demands.

If you still feel able to try to keep the relationship going for the benefit of your DS, then I feel the only way forward is for you to keep her on a very tight leash.
Make the rules, clearly tell her those rules, tell her what the consequences of not following those rules are, ask her outright will she abide by your rules. Continue to remind her of the rules as often as you need/want.
Eventually, she might listen yeah, right and if not, and you feel you've had enough; you know you have done everything possible to keep a positive relationship flourishing between her and your DS. It's her and HER DS who don't have the little guys best interests in mind.

Ohfourfoxache · 05/04/2016 16:29

God he's a dickhead

I'm so, so glad you're still in contact with her and that its independent of ex. One day he will regret his actions - karma can be a right bitch

I still remember your post when you said that you'd moved out - it was one of those "punch the air with joy" moments - can't believe it's been so long and I'm thrilled that you and Ds are doing so well.

Oh, and Yanbu at all btw - actually, why the actual fuck do you bother facilitating contact with this woman? She isn't your responsibility. Does she really bring that much positivity to ds's life?

jellybeans · 05/04/2016 17:34

My MIL wanted to do all the firsts and was very agressive about it. She threw many strops. Wanted to take them abroad without us in their first year for example. Stand firm or it won't get better.

Littlegreyauditor · 05/04/2016 20:41

I remember your thread. I also remember saying that your MIL was territorial pissing and you needed to piss back.
Looks like she is slow on the uptake OP, but stand your ground. I remember every single birthday cake my mum made me. We used to plan it in advance, starting with what I would like and take it from there. Once she made a merry go round cake with icing animals and it was so pretty I wouldn't eat it.

It's not about the professionalism or cost or wow factor the cake has for adults, it's about the memories your son will have of the fantastic cakes his mum made him, and knowing how much effort and love has gone into it.

RaspberryOverload · 06/04/2016 10:18

Mooey89 If you remain in contact with your DSD, there will come a point when she'll decide to come and see you. Your Ex can't stop it permanently, and she's 11 now.

Original poster

Mooey89 · 06/04/2016 10:34

She has already told him she can decide where she lives at 14 (don't know where that came from!) and when that happens she'll come to me!!

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 06/04/2016 11:35

Oh god she sounds unhinged , I would refuse her cake, for her it's not a nice gesture, bit a way to muscle in and take control.

RaspberryOverload · 06/04/2016 16:20

Mooey89 I think your DSD wanting to come and live with you is a huge compliment

ScarlettSahara · 06/04/2016 16:31

Hi Op , Your planned cake looks great.
I agree with those posters who feel that it is not about whether the cake looks professional or not. I am not a whizz at baking but we have had some happy memories here remembering my baking efforts - including the castle one when DD was 6 where DH had to rescue the collapsing turrets! It did look the part in the end & got gasps of admiration from the kids because it was smothered in sweets (I have never liked the taste of shop bought cakes).
I would stay stick with baking it yourself & if ex MIL does bring a cake be quick to cut it into slices before she presents it as THE cake which judging by her past performance could be a risk.

iMogster · 09/04/2016 12:16

OP you want to make the cake, so you make the cake! End of.

I've had a few experiences where others are butting in and have annoyed me. Example 1: My SIL was 'desperate' to get my pfb his baby's first Christmas stocking. I really wanted to get it but gave in as it had got twisted to look like I was being mean. It's Christmas Eve and I say can I have the the stocking now. SIL said oh sorry I didn't get time to buy it, so DS1 had no stocking for his first Christmas as all shops closed by then. 6 years ago and still sad
Example 2: I said I will buy DS1 a watch as a reward after he has learnt to tell the time. My MIL then bought him a lovely watch, he still can't tell the time.

MeDownSouth · 09/04/2016 17:38

This. This is exactly what I'm dreading. Not the actual exact experience but we're expecting #1 and MiL is semi-pro cake baker. I know there's going to be fights about cakes (or maybe strops and sulking from me). On my 30th they got me an expensive present and she baked me a huge and professional looking cake to take home to my parents for my birthday tea (my family are oop north). Mum had done me a homemade, small enough for a piece each cake with a 3D monkey's picnic on top (it was awesome!) and I could tell she was so upset when we walked in with that damn cake. (we had to take it or we'd still be eating the damn thing)
If she did that for me (no malice intended in this case), what's it going to be like with grandchildren? Dreading this chat with OH....

Boiing · 09/04/2016 20:37

I actually remember my third birthday cake, and quite a few of the later ones. Every year Mum would ask us what shape we wanted (we could say anything) and then she would try to make it. I really treasure that she cared that much and often remind myself of them when she annoys me now. It didn't matter at all what it tasted like, just that she had done what I asked eg castle with blue towers and jelly sea around it. I can't imagine I'd have remembered a bought cake.

Gentleness · 19/04/2016 20:00

YANBU. What is it with MIL and firsts? Is it an attempt to rewrite the past or something?

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