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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell mother in law she can't buy cake for Ds's party

125 replies

Mooey89 · 04/04/2016 12:59

(Ex) MIl has history for being really overbearing with the children (she was the swimsuit stealer under my old username of Fairy13 if any of you remember!)
It's DS birthday party soon, and she has 'offered' to buy him a handmade birthday cake. This is really, genuinely very kind, but I have plans to make one myself. He's only 3, and I have planned it and been quite excited about doing it, and don't want her spending £40 + on a posh handmade one.
I thanked her for her kindness and suggested that what would really be helpful is if she could help me put together party bags and other organisational things instead.
I was really VERY polite about it but she says I'm denying her the treat of doing this and that I'm being deliberately difficult because I don't want her involved with DS (she sees him weekly which I organise - exH doesn't take him to see her on his weekends at all).

Maybe I am being a bit picky, it's only a cake, but I really have had my heart set on making one for him and have planned what it will be... I am trying to involve her in the planning of stuff and even suggested that I would appreciate her help with the actual baking as Nigella I am most definitely not!

AIBU??

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 04/04/2016 16:46

I feel a bit Blush about remembering threads from 2 years ago!! But I do remember your tale op. Be firm - don't let her do it.

GeezAJammyPeece · 04/04/2016 16:55

My MIL clearly read the same handbook as those of CurlyHairedAssassin and tea towel.

Every year I bake cakes for DP, DD & DS; and every year MIL stops off on the 1hr+ drive to buy one. I used to get really miffed as I took it as a personal slight and, like others, find it incredibly wasteful; now I have resigned myself to the fact that she thinks she is being helpful/generous/kind rather than devious/sneaky/malicious and don't say anything.

That being said, I was a bit Hmm Confused one time when she said to P that she had stopped into the supermarket to buy it as "I didn't know if Jammy would have remembered bothered "

BTW, if for whatever reason I hadn't made one, we have 3 supermarkets in a 1mile radius....

HOWEVER, just because I have made my peace with it doesn't mean I think You should - there is far more going on here than a MIL trying to be helpful.
I think you need to clearly state what is happening and what the consequences will be if she chooses to defy you.

I am baking DS's cake.
You ARE NOT to buy one. I would be a waste of time & money as it will not be used.

You are however welcome to help out in any of these other ways.... List x,y, z

Be firm and if she does continue to try and guilt trip you then it really is time for you to calmly state a few home-truths re: your (so far) openness / desire in keeping her involved in the life of her DGS. Ultimately, it is not your responsibility to keep that relationship going, it should be his father. Maybe it is time to point out you are extending a courtesy that many others in your position would not.

Oh, and the cake you have planned looks amazing and really fun, I bet he loves it!!

clam · 04/04/2016 16:58

Oh Lordie, it's her again! Don't know whether to be impressed or appalled that you're still in touch with her now the ex has gone.

allwornout0 · 04/04/2016 17:04

I'm shocked at how many others have MIL's that feel the need to be in control in some way.
My children are now too old to start traditions etc, but if I could turn back time I would have put my foot down and insisted that my husband and I were to be the ones that bought the cot, pushchair, easter egg hunts, santa stockings etc and not my MIL.
As others have said, they did all those things with their own children, why the need to take over and do it all for their grandchildren. and not let the parents have the chance.

BillyGoatGruff007 · 04/04/2016 17:09

Speaking as a MIL myself, you definitely aren't BU.
I can never understand for the life of me why these ladies can't relinquish control and accept the fact that they are no longer the most important woman in their child's life. (Which is as it should be and, indeed is, in the natural world).
Not to mention that they are driving a wedge between themselves and their children.

Furiosa · 04/04/2016 17:11

I had to have the "no, don't bring a cake" conversation with my MIL OP. I was straight forward and firm but she needed to hear it about five times before she understood that I was making DS's cake. Then she sulked but that was her problem.

It started because the 1st cake I made for DS birthday was supposed to look like a pumpkin but looked more like a deflated basket ball Grin.

It tasted good but....well MIL huffed at it and announced (at the party) that it was clear she would need to make DS birthday cakes in the future Hmm

For the next 12 months she brought up his future birthday cake and every time I told her I was making it. She finally said mine would be as bad as last years if I didn't accept her help. I told her that was fine, it wouldn't ruin anything and I would like to assume the tradition of making my childs birthday cakes.

She thought I was being rude but all she had to do was listen to me the first time I said "no". Thankfully my cakes have got better Smile

CigarsofthePharoahs · 04/04/2016 17:12

Carry on with your cake plans op. You've told Mil the plan, in the end it's up to her to listen or not. If she brings it up again, just go to stuck record mode - "Well I really need help with..." and repeat.
If she does end up bringing a cake, I'd just put it to one side. It's your child, and you're making your own cake and it matters to you because it just does! I've made my sons their birthday cakes and I'd be upset if someone else tried to muscle in.
You'll be fine with the baking, just keep it simple, line and grease the tin well and make sure your butter is at room temp! Cake

Eglantyne How did you manage not to smack the woman? Wow. Shock

Wizzles · 04/04/2016 17:19

YANBU. Your child, your decisions. Even especially when it comes to cake.

GeezAJammyPeece · 04/04/2016 17:21

Haha

I've had a few dodgy offerings of the 'deflated basketball' type too Furiosa

Im really Envy of my elder sis, who has always been amazing at making wonderful creations whilst mine are more of the 'made with love, not professionalism' style. They always went down well with the recipient tho'

I'm disgusted at how she spoke to you about your first attempts, that was really nasty of her

Katisha · 04/04/2016 17:22

Ha - I also remember the swimsuit saga. To people saying "its only a cake" - this woman has serious boundary issues which ought to be taken into consideration here...

ptumbi · 04/04/2016 17:38

OP I remember your threads from 2 years ago??? Heck.

This is the MIL who would break in, and tidy DstepDs room, taking a small piece of toy with her, so that she could be the 'hero' who 'found it' and returned small piece to DstepD? Bonkers.

Boundaries def needed, and strictly maintained.

user12785 · 04/04/2016 17:52

Hot Potato, Cigars: Apparently she "hadn't realised I wasn't in the room"... Which says a lot. I politely but firmly made it clear I wasn't impressed, SIL also told off her mum (although hadn't stopped her from doing it at the time).

My advice OP- put your foot down at the start and tell her straight! No hinting! Otherwise you'll have it for years.

meercat23 · 04/04/2016 18:17

Eglantyne Whether she hadn't realised you weren't in the room or not is besides the point. It was your place to do the Birthday Cake and Candles not hers.

ollieplimsoles · 04/04/2016 18:32

She's got kids, she can buy a £40 cake for them.

My mil does this, spends the most money to out do everyone else but dd never bothers with what she buys, and we don't encourage it either

liquidrevolution · 04/04/2016 18:44

I still remember the amazing maypole cake my mum made me nearly 40 years ago.

Hell will have to freeze over before anyone other than me makes my DDs birrthday cake. MIL keeps offering but she can bog off.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 04/04/2016 19:06

OP stand your ground. Making your child's birthday cakes is a lovely tradition - I still remember the ones my mum made for me and my own dcs love my cakes too. No, they don't look like professional ones - but that's kind of the point!

MIL tried this when my eldest was small. I think it started because one year we went to them for a family birthday get together (separate to his actual party) and as it was at their house, MIL bought a cake. This led to her having got it into her head that she always got ds a cake. She didn't even get very nice ones.

Anyway she turned up at our house for the family get together with this cake we hadn't asked her to get and that she hadn't told us she was bringing. I just politely said thank you, went ahead with candles on my homemade pirate ship cake and put her cake on the table with the rest of dessert for people to help themselves.

She never did it again.

Headofthehive55 · 04/04/2016 19:30

I think you need to tell her. That's fine. It's up to you who makes the cake. I sometimes make my kids cakes but often my mum does. Sometimes we have two or even three cakes. Perhaps we might have one at the party, one for the day and one for when we see grandparents. I just mention who's doing the cake and it's fine.

My MIL will always get a cake if we call around a birthday time, we eat that one too and do happy birthday and candles just so she can join in. We like cake.

SpringerS · 04/04/2016 19:30

YADNBU. One of my aunts makes beautiful, totally professional looking cakes and does most of the cakes for events in our family. It's sort of expected, whenever there is a party that she will make them. But I just really, really love making my DS's cakes for his birthday, so that's what I do. They don't look as good as hers would and I often need to do a trial run and work out the limitations of what I can do. Like when he was 2 I set out to make a Lightening McQueen cake and settled on just making a car cake. But DS was perfectly happy with a car cake and it tasted better without all the red dye. Baking a cake for your child's birthday is a physical act of love and for as long as DS is happy with my offerings, I will be the one to do them. (I do usually make them with my mum, but we're extremely close/best friends and she's a much better baker, so it's an easy experience to share. I don't think that's a good idea with your MIL.)

gottachangethename1 · 04/04/2016 19:33

Sometimes you have to pick your battles. At 3 he is unlikely to care where the cake comes from. Why not let her do it, it will give you time to do other stuff for the birthday boy.

Headofthehive55 · 04/04/2016 19:33

You get better with practise!

Headofthehive55 · 04/04/2016 19:38

Mil or mums need to learn to step back, and there is no harm in saying something. My mum always encouraged me to make cakes, even though I wasn't initially as good as her...I then became as good and in the end we had a business at one time making wedding cakes. It's not about how good the cake is, it's the love that's baked into the cake that's important and op, you will not be fail on that score!

Notenjoyinglife · 04/04/2016 19:45

Not unreasonable at all. We started a tradition where the kids spend ages anticipating and planning their cake. They tell me what they want and I do my best with it. Sometimes they are a bit dodgy looking and certainly not as professional as a bought cake but the kids love it. They love thinking up the most difficult thing they can and setting me what they consider to be an impossible project.
Don't let your mil dictate how things will be done. Sounds like you are more than fair with her.

Fluffyears · 04/04/2016 19:48

Oh god you just know she will turn up with her cake no matter what. I remember your previous posts.

EponasWildDaughter · 04/04/2016 19:56

Yup another one who remembers all the earlier sagas with her OP. God is it two years?

If i were you i would not be spending one moment of my life facilitating this woman. I'd leave the visits with DS down to X to carry out.

As for the cake - just keep saying no. 'Dripping tap' technique. Np cheers. No thanks. No, i'm making it. No ta. No it's fine. No.

SophieofShepherdsBush · 04/04/2016 20:12

Getting to make novelty cakes was one of the reasons I had children!Grin
I wouldn't let your mil have that joy. It's not hers to claim.
And for what it's worth, homemade cakes taste a hundred times better than bought cakes, even if they don't always look like the picture you had in mind! At DS's soft play party, where I made s pretty cool but very amateur looking cake the lady who served the food and cake remarked at how unusual it was for all the kids to eat the cake. She said they usually just leave it.....not mine they didn't... Even though it wasn't that good lookin!