To tell mother in law she can't buy cake for Ds's party

[Mooey89]

(Ex) MIl has history for being really overbearing with the children (she was the swimsuit stealer under my old username of Fairy13 if any of you remember!)
It's DS birthday party soon, and she has 'offered' to buy him a handmade birthday cake. This is really, genuinely very kind, but I have plans to make one myself. He's only 3, and I have planned it and been quite excited about doing it, and don't want her spending £40 + on a posh handmade one.
I thanked her for her kindness and suggested that what would really be helpful is if she could help me put together party bags and other organisational things instead.
I was really VERY polite about it but she says I'm denying her the treat of doing this and that I'm being deliberately difficult because I don't want her involved with DS (she sees him weekly which I organise - exH doesn't take him to see her on his weekends at all).

Maybe I am being a bit picky, it's only a cake, but I really have had my heart set on making one for him and have planned what it will be... I am trying to involve her in the planning of stuff and even suggested that I would appreciate her help with the actual baking as Nigella I am most definitely not!

AIBU??

Second what others have said - this isn't about her doing the cake. It's about her having her own way and exerting control over you and the situation more generally.

My MIL is extremely pushy, and I am naturally quite polite and reticent to be assertive. However, the way I see it now is this: if I say 'no' and she overrides me, and I say 'no' again and she still overrides me - then SHE is the one being rude. And being firm back isn't being horrible or nasty, it's a reaction to someone who has already crossed lines and refused to listen because of their own controlling and bullying behaviour. It doesn't have to be angry, though.

*foodie - it is quite basic looking (I've bought the sugar craft toppers to go on top!
My friend is a wiz baker and says she will help and that my ideas look easy enough to do so should be ok. I did make one for his first birthdY and enjoyed doing it, just don't get a chance very often!

MartinaJ - I can see your point, but the OP's DS is only 3, won't give a monkey's stuff where his cake is from, won't understand or appreciate the effort his mum will have gone to and won't even remember it a few weeks later. OP does not appear to be confident with her baking and is running the risk of getting upset/stressed if the cake doesn't go according to plan.

I think YABU, a bit.

I so sympathise, because I also have a very difficult MIL, but I think who makes the cake for your DC's 3rd birthday, really doesn't matter in the long run.

There are lots of things you can do to make the party special. Let her have this one thing.

(Most people throw away their piece of cake, anyway. Just sayin'. )

Yanbu (and now I want a link to the swimsuit thing!)

One of the fun things about being a parent (not for everyone, but for a lot of people) is doing all the little rituals like birthday cakes and Easter baskets and Christmas stockings, etc.

The grandparents have already done all that.

OK x-post! You sound a lot more confident about your baking in your last post than you did from your OP!

When you look back at photos, you will see the cake that you lovingly made for him. Just tell her loud and clear that you are making a cake and if she turns up with a bought one, you will hide it away in a cupboard and it will not be used, so she would be best off saving her money.

I'd be irritated about the ownership thing but if you aren't a confident baker and you think you'll be able to manage because 'it can't be that hard' I'd seriously reconsider this. You'll be giving yourself a lot of stress and the chance it might look like a pile of shite and you'll have spent a lot of money on it, not to mention time. Why not practice for next year? Depends what you want to do obviously but anything tiered, rainbow, sugar crafty etc isn't really for beginners

It does not matter if his cake looks like a pile of shite,it does not matter if it's not great what matters to any 3yo is that they have one and what usually matters to people is being able to provide a important part of the celebration.

No 3yo in the history of the world gives two shits if the cake they get is professionally made or not, that is something that just matters to the adults

I never attempt anything fancy... basic Vic sponge, jam in middle, smother in buttercream and decorate with sprinkles/smarties etc...

MilkTwoSugarsThanks that's exactly the point. He's three. A marshmallow rocky road would do if covered with funky icing. The point is, she's his mother and she wants to prepare something nice for her child. Her exMIL isn't listening to her and ignores/overrides her wishes. I wouldn't let my Mum do it and I love her dearly.

Sounds as though you are going out of your way to involve her, but if she doesn't agree that is her problem.

She probably is quite anxious about the fact that access to her grandchild is dependent on her son's ex because he is a dick. However it isn't your job to make up for his failings.

Mooey oh crack on then lovely! Tell her to bog off x

My MIL did similar to my DS1. Turned up to his birthday party with a massive birthday cake - she said they'd been to Asda and it was reduced and so too good a deal to miss. We already had a specific cake ready - can't remember now whether it was one I'd made or a character shop bought one that DS had asked for but the point was he already had a cake (smaller than hers so it did feel like she was trying to outdo us or something!). Did she think I wouldn't have organised a cake though - that's what I couldn't get over. Or use hers in preference?

It was only a small gathering - we used our own cake obviously. MIL's didn't even get opened as it wasn't needed. Some bargain then.....ended up in the bin a few days after the party as it was past its use by date.

She did similar with DS's cot. She turned up on the doorstep with a cot that, again, "was a bargain" so she had to pick it up. I was so shocked that she would just do this that I didn't invite her in off the doorstep for a minute or two then I remembered my manners and they came in. The cot was actually fine and I hadn't had any firm ideas about design or colour luckily but what if I had had something specific in mind? Or even on order? The only discussion we had had about any baby equipment was a week or two earlier and I'd told her what I'd already bought. She didn't say then "I'll buy your cot - do you have anything particular in mind?"

The only way to deal with this, OP, is to see it as HER problem, so don't be made to feel guilty. She is the one overstepping the mark - as others have said, she's had her time at arranging birthday parties for her own kids. Don't give in to it. She probably IS doing it because she wants to help rather than out of any "evil MIL" reason, but if you let her do it you'll end up feeling resentful and it just means she will do something similar next time.

My MIL has still not learned really. She has this habit of "giving all the kids a little party" in hers. No matter whether they have already had their birthday party or what time of day it is that you visit. So if you visit at just before tea time she brings out all this party crap like cakes and crisps and a cake with candles on. Recently we turned up to hers the day before DS's birthday. He had had his party with his mates at a laser quest place the day before but we also had plans to go out for tea on his birthday next day. She moaned that we were late and her GDD had had to go home and been disappointed beause she couldn't have cake because we hadn't arrived in time. We had no idea about this "plan" of hers so didn't take kindly to being ticked off for being "late" to it. It just got ridiculous when she brought out the type of cake that neither of my DSs like. So they didn't want any. DH doesnt eat ANYTHING sweet at all and I was feeling sick from overindulgence at my mum's lunchtime meal!! God the fuss that was made "granddad went all over trying to find one that didn't mention nuts (DS allergic), now you don't want any of it!" So I forced myself to eat a tiny piece, seething at how guilty the kids had been made to feel at not eating any of this fecking cake that poor old granddad had had to get off his lazy arse for for once in his life.

They mean well but......Christ on a bike, it's hard work sometimes.

cheerful yank
Swimsuit was years ago now - when I was still with exH, she was bloody awful and there were whole sagas involving my live in step daughter and mother in law letting herself in my house to steal her laundry or tidy her bedroom or steal her swimming costume!

We're talking posts that are over 2 years old now so not much point linking them!

Oh I remember those threads! Wow, she is rather 'colourful' isn't she?

NeedsAsockamnesty If it was me and I'd gone to a lot of effort and expense and it didn't look 'right' I would be disappointed. I've been at parties where well-thinking mums have cut into a rainbow cake that's more dirty dishwater than rainbow and they have been crushed. Being able to contribute is important but my comment came from a kind place that didn't want an already busy mum putting herself through more stress.

And I completely disagree on it not mattering if it looked shite. It would matter. It doesn't have to be professional to look 'right' but for god's sake let's take a bit of pride in things and make them look the best they can. I said zilch about it being professionally made.

YANBU

Be firm. "No thank you, as his mother this is what I take pleasure in doing for my son. Feel free to make one for your son on his birthday!"

I don't understand these people? My sister always buys a shop bought cake even the she know that DH does the party cakes (not so often these days as they've mostly outgrown parties) and I would make the day of the birthday cake and/or for school. Why does she keep doing it??

We've got beyond saying anything. We don't like the bought ones. The kids eat some of it and DH takes the rest to work where it's snaffled up in record time!

To be honest I would have two cakes and not think about it.

Mooey89 - I remember your thread about the swimsuit stealing MIL. I didn't realise that you had changed your name from back then, nice to know you're still around.

I agree 100% with WhereYouLeftIt and her advice on how to deal with your MIL. She clearly has no idea still about boundaries and what is, and more importantly, what is not acceptable.

If you want to make a cake, make one. If she shows up with her expensive one, do as CurlyHairedAssassin did and put her one to one side and leave it, unused, uneaten, or better still, hand it back to her on her way out saying "Didn't want you to waste this so there you go".

I get that foodie but it's highly unlikely the 3yo even cares.

adult disapointment is an adult issue and a totally seperate thing to the pleasure obtained by the child.

I used to get dead upset about my cakes that looked more festering rubbish heap than care bear until the wisest woman I know reminded me that it did not matter to the child and the action is for the benefit of the child not myself and that I should cut myself some slack.

She was right.

And the festering rubbish heap cake along with the primeval sludge cake are now family legends spoken of very fondly

YANBU, if she's set on cake, suggest cake pops to take away or cupcakes to put in partybags (as you requested that's what she help with)

There is something special about making your child's birthday cake. It doesn't matter if it comes out perfectly or not, it's the actual doing of it which matters. If that's what you want to do, then do it.

Tell mil firmly that you are making the cake.

If she turns up with one, then you can quickly hide it away and tell her you'll bring it out "for spare if needed".

Another one who remembers the swimsuit saga!
Put your foot down. And DS will remember who made his cakes.
I just asked DS (6) if he remembers the Gruffalo cake I made for his 3rd birthday. He most definitely does; it was his favourite ever.
and it was very homemade and not at all professional looking

I found it!

baroness that looks amazing!!!!