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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell mother in law she can't buy cake for Ds's party

125 replies

Mooey89 · 04/04/2016 12:59

(Ex) MIl has history for being really overbearing with the children (she was the swimsuit stealer under my old username of Fairy13 if any of you remember!)
It's DS birthday party soon, and she has 'offered' to buy him a handmade birthday cake. This is really, genuinely very kind, but I have plans to make one myself. He's only 3, and I have planned it and been quite excited about doing it, and don't want her spending £40 + on a posh handmade one.
I thanked her for her kindness and suggested that what would really be helpful is if she could help me put together party bags and other organisational things instead.
I was really VERY polite about it but she says I'm denying her the treat of doing this and that I'm being deliberately difficult because I don't want her involved with DS (she sees him weekly which I organise - exH doesn't take him to see her on his weekends at all).

Maybe I am being a bit picky, it's only a cake, but I really have had my heart set on making one for him and have planned what it will be... I am trying to involve her in the planning of stuff and even suggested that I would appreciate her help with the actual baking as Nigella I am most definitely not!

AIBU??

OP posts:
Original poster
Mooey89 · 04/04/2016 14:32

I'm attempting this, I case you were interested!

To tell mother in law she can't buy cake for Ds's party
OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 04/04/2016 14:32

I would make your cake but agree that MIL can bring one to the party. I am a bit of a pushover.
Cut up her cake to put in party bags and freeze the rest.

If she's a challenging, controlling character, then inviting her to help bake your cake sounds like the afternoon from hell.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 04/04/2016 14:33

Your cake looks like a 3 year old boy's dream and not too tricky Smile

Mouseinahole · 04/04/2016 14:35

Just say he will have two cakes and will love blowing out two sets of candles:)
Cut her cake up for party bags and have your yummy home made one for the family :)

merrymouse · 04/04/2016 14:41

If she wasn't a difficult person and you genuinely wouldn't find it irritating, the two cakes option might work.

However, if she is constantly pushing boundaries it is better for all of you that you politely and calmly maintain them so that she knows where they are.

BoatyMcBoat · 04/04/2016 14:48

I agree with merrymouse. You need to maintain boundaries with people like your mil.

Salzundessig · 04/04/2016 14:58

Urgh this would get right on my nerves. I love looking at the pictures of cakes my mum made forme and making one for my ds was something i looked forward to for months. I would tell her nice and firmly no thanks and just put it straight in the cupboard if it turns up anyway.

BaronessBomburst · 04/04/2016 15:01

No, no cake from MIL and no making it together. Give her an inch and she'll take a mile.
Your idea looks perfect, and very doable. Just use plenty of buttercream to stick the fence on and keep it cold (fridge or garage) to make sure they set stuck on.
Mine was easy. It's just two Victoria sponges cut into shape and covered in buttercream and sweets!

BaronessBomburst · 04/04/2016 15:03

And don't forget to update and provide pictures!
I love a good cake thread. Chuck in a mad MIL and what's not to love?

Ditsy4 · 04/04/2016 15:11

She is being unreasonable. Stick to your plan. Why not ask her to buy some dinosaur cupcakes to go with it. Kids can eat cupcakes at the table and you can put a piece of birthday cake into each party bag after he blows out the candles.
She would be denying you the pleasure. Don't let her away with this as she sounds quite domineering. The cake will be well within your capabilities. My 3 year old wanted Mr Funny...standing up! I went on to making cakes for people later on.

Mouseinahole · 04/04/2016 15:12

Here's the last one I did

To tell mother in law she can't buy cake for Ds's party
JellyBabiesSaveLives · 04/04/2016 15:26

being deliberately difficult because I don't want her involved with DS

Well I wasn't, but I can be if you like. How about we let ex organise all your contact with ds for a month or two?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 04/04/2016 15:30

That's an amazing cake Mouseinahole ..sweetie heaven.

HotPotatoOrchestraStalls · 04/04/2016 15:43

I've had cake issues in the past with my mother. She likes baking, and yes it's very kind, but other issues with her make me realise it's partly (quite a lot actually) about control and the tip of a much larger iceberg.

I did eventually have to ask her to stop at one point because we weren't managing to eat it all before more would arrive. It was ceasing to be a treat.

We've def been overwhelmed at birthdays and the times I've tried to sort out a cake myself, she always still does another anyway which takes the spotlight off my offering. I don't really like the two cakes thing either, its simply too much and kind of weird too Confused Also, with dts, that means four cakes!

It always has has to be acknowledged as a Big Help too even though I haven't even requested it. As though I couldn't have coped unless she stepped in, which irks me rather Hmm.

foodiefil · 04/04/2016 15:52

NeedsAsockamnesty you are right. But adult issues can affect parties! But those sound like funny stories. Maybe I should loosen up and not be so bothered about what cakes look like! Smile

Anyway OP the cake looks lovely. Hope your ds has a fab party x

CauliflowerBalti · 04/04/2016 16:02

I would stand firm. YANBU at all. The cake you are making is part of your gift for your son, an expression of your love. (And it's ace...)

user12785 · 04/04/2016 16:15

At my ds's 5th birthday my MIL did the candles, Happy Birthday singing etc when I'd GONE TO THE LOO... I'd have taken the sodding cake with me if I'd realised what she was planning.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 04/04/2016 16:15

I have to argue for kids remembering cakes, I remember my mum's efforts. My kids look forward to their cakes they are all 7 and up now so have plenty of design and flavour input. Dd1 wants a coconut butterfly cake for her 10th birthday next week. I have improved my technique after years of birthday cake making, so the early less sophisticated efforts were an essential part of the learning curve for me. Better to practice when they are young enough not to care much, I did let my mum make my eldest dc first birthday cake (chocolate and in the shape of a 1), as it was also my wedding day/ cake so I needed to delegate. Grin

All that waffle is to say yanbu op. The cake should be yours to make , buy or delegate. and if it goes tits up, don't worry, a Tesco caterpillar cake is also very popular with 3yos!

teatowel · 04/04/2016 16:17

My MIL has always done this and we have been married for 30 years now. She always turns up with an alternative birthday cake and we say thank you and use the one I have made. I always wonder if she thinks I won't have made a cake for my husband /child. Anyway hers goes in the freezer or now a grateful visiting child will take it back to uni with them. It has never caused problems and she is never worried it is just rather strange. There are lots of more useful things she could bring!

StrumpersPlunkett · 04/04/2016 16:20

YANBU
Do what you want
You like look after him the rest of the year why shouldn't you get to do a fun bit as well?

HotPotatoOrchestraStalls · 04/04/2016 16:21

ShockBlimey Eglantyne was a horrid thing to do Sad. What on earth was your mil thinking??

DSHousewife01 · 04/04/2016 16:32

If you feel the direct approach will cause issues try the indirect aporoach.

Make no more mention of her cake. If she turns up with one say "thank you, you really shouldnt have" Then take it into the kitchen and in plain sight put it in the bin.

Then carry on as normal

jamdonut · 04/04/2016 16:36

I've had that with MIL AND Mother wanting to supply cakes! I let them...But mine was the one that was brought out with candles and singing 'Happy Birthday'!!!!
We just had loads of cake to eat! Smile

MIL would do that for DH's Birthday too. I think she's finally got the message, after 26 years! Mine is the important one...hers is an 'extra '. Wink

2rebecca · 04/04/2016 16:39

I would never put the cake in the bin but would tell her you are the mother and sh should not be trying to push you out of the way and stop you making THE birthday cake for YOUR child. If she wants to bake a cake another time she is welcome to but you find her attitude on this overbearing and controlling.

trixymalixy · 04/04/2016 16:41

YANBU. There is definitely something special about making birthday cakes for your DC.

My DC's birthday cakes are planned for weeks in advance. They may not be professional standard, I have found some of them stressful, and we've had some wrecks, but there's a lot of thought and love, and enjoyment that goes in to them. I would be gutted to have that taken away from me.

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