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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pissed off with friend, is this fair?

125 replies

MintyChops · 03/04/2016 20:58

Ok, had some friends round for lunch with their kids, one of them came on his own with his 3 year old daughter. At one point after lunch we were in our sitting room, kids playing, adults sipping wine and he asked her to stop doing something (can't remember what) and she had a bit of a tantrum and threw the large hat she had in her hand at him. It knocked a glass of red wine all over my relatively new and extremely expensive curtains plus a cushion.

I quickly tried to clean it up, my husband helped me and he........sat there. He did apologise but made no move to help clean up, sent his 3 year old to say sorry to me and advised us to get it dry cleaned then went home. I was very surprised and then later very annoyed that he didn't help sort the mess his daughter made AND didn't offer to pay to have it cleaned. Have I lost perspective on this? I can't imagine not trying to help clean up a mess one of my kids had made and offering to pay for any costs.

To give a bit more background, we have a dog who hates joggers/runners and will try to bite them. A couple of years ago this same friend was in our house, ran past the dog and the dog lunged and ripped his jeans. He was very upset and we offered to buy him a new pair of jeans. He told us it would cost €300 as they were Diesel jeans. We gave it to him even though I thought it was a huge amount of money especially as the jeans were quite old and I have felt odd/a bit resentful about it ever since.

I suppose my question is AIBU for being pissed off that he was willing to take a lot of money from us for something our dog did but not willing to offer to pay the s for something his daughter did?

OP posts:

RubbleBubble00 · 03/04/2016 21:19

it's an accident. You and dh both cleaning so don't really need hi to help but offer would have been nice. I wouldn't expect my guest to pay for a spillage - accidents happen with kids.

Original poster

MintyChops · 03/04/2016 21:21

It's so awkward as he is part of this larger group. I don't think I could ask him to pay. I think he actually knows he should have offered but was worried about how much it would cost. I'm just pissed off that he didn't even offer even though I would probably have felt uncomfortable taking his money as we are meant to be friends.

I'm sure he was very shocked and upset about the dog and I do appreciate that he didn't make a bigger deal of it.

OP posts:

coconutpie · 03/04/2016 21:22

Send him the bill.

TimeToMuskUp · 03/04/2016 21:23

I think we all know the moral of the story is to only buy dark, cheap curtains.

In all seriousness, if my DCs did something like this I'd offer to pay because I see it as an extension of me doing it. But if it is going to make life difficult for you and the larger friendship group perhaps sucking it up is your only option.

MeadowHay · 03/04/2016 21:25

I think you should ask for the money for the dry cleaning or at least a contribution towards it, and I only say this because of what you said about the incident with him and the jeans. There is no way I would ask a friend to give me the money for a pair of ripped jeans under the circumstances you describe, I just wouldn't, and seeing as he did do not only that but also asked you for a huge sum of money (which posters here say would have been a downright lie regarding their cost), and then didn't even make any effort to help you clean the stain or suggest any kind of contribution...well he just sounds not very nice. So no, YANBU.

WorraLiberty · 03/04/2016 21:26

Pretty speechless about the dog situation really, especially around children but I accept that's not the subject of the thread.

I can kind of understand him not helping to clear up as there were already two adults doing it and I expect he was shocked and embarrassed.

But yes, he should definitely have offered to pay for the cleaning.

Original poster

MintyChops · 03/04/2016 21:26

Ha ha ha Time, that is indeed the moral of the story!

I know it was an accident, I will have to suck it up but I don't like him any more for it.

OP posts:

Hissy · 03/04/2016 21:29

When you spill red wine, pour white wine over it.

It works. I did it with a pair of cream wool trousers. Red wine vanished before my eyes!!

Muskateersmummy · 03/04/2016 21:29

I'm with rubble. Accidents happen. I wouldn't expect my guests to pay for cleaning if an accident happened whilst hosting a party at my house. I tend to not serve red wine if we are drinking in my living room because we have cream carpet.... Luckily all my friends tend to drink white wine

blobbityblob · 03/04/2016 21:30

I've found some very good friends have had accidents with wine and not offered to pay. I guess it's just really embarrassing and they panic. I think what would rile me is the jeans. I would accept an apology in that instance and not dream of asking for money. Let alone ask for three times the price. That's not the actions of a friend. Awkward though if he's part of a group. On the whole I kind of expect my under tens and their friends to ruin home furnishings.

CallMeDollFace · 03/04/2016 21:32

Ok I see that phasing him out (apologies for the expression but you know what I mean...) is not an easy option if he is part of a group.

I wouldn't ask any sort of a friend for money though. It's annoying but I'd leave it at that.

Original poster

MintyChops · 03/04/2016 21:38

I wouldn't ask him for money. Accidents happen and I get that. I think he should have offered and I know I would have and indeed he has taken money from me. That is what is sticking in my craw.

OP posts:

WonderingAspie · 03/04/2016 21:39

I agree that accidents happen and it's a pain but I wouldn't expect someone to pay like this. Maybe not drink red wine when kids are around.

WetLettuce123 · 03/04/2016 21:40

He should have tried to help clean and offered to pay for dry cleaning. Diesel jeans don't cost £300. He's a chancer.

AtrociousCircumstance · 03/04/2016 21:43

Why wouldn't you ask him for the money? It's appropriate that he covers the dry cleaning.

Original poster

MintyChops · 03/04/2016 21:46

It just feels awkward and they are on a v tight budget.

OP posts:

CallMeDollFace · 03/04/2016 21:51

No, I understand. It's not the money, it's just nice for someone to care enough to offer. But if he can't afford to offer, then you can't really expect him to.

If I were him I'd make another gesture though (bottle of wine!? )

QuiteLikely5 · 03/04/2016 21:54

Text:

Hi xxxx we were unable to get the wine out of the curtains so have decided to go for the dry cleaning. This will cost £xxx would you be able to pay half? Thanks

totalrecall1 · 03/04/2016 22:00

Its totally fair for you to be pissed off with him and he should have offered to pay but he didn't .You can't ask him to, but he should have offered. that said I think you owe him one for the dog incident. Bite or no bite that is actually enough to have a dog put down now, so if I were you I would keep him away from my house in future!

Itinerary · 03/04/2016 22:03

Yes of course he should have offered, particularly as he previously accepted the money for the jeans. I also don't think it would be rude to ask him to pay, since he asked you so has set a precedent.

gleam · 03/04/2016 22:04

I'm wondering if he knew how your dog felt about runners, when he ran past him...

summerainbow · 03/04/2016 22:06

Next time he is only allowed water at your house as he can't control his child .
Send him the bill for dry cleaning .

TheHiphopopotamus · 03/04/2016 22:07

What was he doing going jogging in his jeans?

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 03/04/2016 22:08

I think the real question is how much do you value the friendship?

Personally I agree with rubble and musketeermummy and wouldn't expect him to pay for what was an accident.

WorraLiberty · 03/04/2016 22:11

He wasn't going jogging in his jeans.

The OP says he ran past the dog in her house when the dog lunged at him.

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