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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding poem and how much to give

132 replies

WeddingGift · 03/04/2016 08:25

So I've received a wedding invitation with this poem;
We've lived together quite a while
With all our pots and pans
And as we don't need homely gifts
We've got another plan.
We know its not traditional
And not the way it's done
But rather than a wedding list
We'd love a bit of sun.
So if you'd like to give a gift
And send us on our way
A Thomas Cook Voucher
Would really make our day!
But the choice is really up to you and we would like to say
That the best gift we could receive is you here on our special day!

I don't know how much to give! I also hate being asked for money as I feel it's like putting a value on the friendship to some people. I would describe the friend as a good friend and we've known each other a year. I would much prefer to give a gift but feel this may be bad etiquette? I've only been to one wedding and they had a gift list.
For context my dp earns around 25k and I earn minimum wage whilst looking after our 1yo. We are in the process of buying our own home so not loads of spare cash.
Thanks!

OP posts:
pearlylum · 03/04/2016 17:29

Don't give cash. It's downright rude of them to ask.

19lottie82 · 03/04/2016 17:41

I don't know why people even ask for cash these days. The majority of guests will give cash anyway.

Personally, if my DH and I were attending a wedding as a day guest I'd give £50-100, depending on how close we were with the couple who were getting married.

pearlylum · 03/04/2016 17:46

I usually always give cash, Except when asked,

shebird · 03/04/2016 18:02

With regards to Irish weddings, I believe cash has been the norm for some time. There is also a big element of Celtic Tiger flashiness with Irish weddings that doesn't seem to have diminished since the recession.

One of the main differences with the U.K. is that the majority of Irish weddings are quite big affairs. It's the norm to have 150 guests for a full on sit down meal plus drinks etc. So in many cases the cash gifts are relied upon pretty much to foot the bill as much as possible. It doesn't sit well with me at all but I can't see it changing any time soon.

Picturesofmatchstickmen · 03/04/2016 19:54

Well, the utterly shite poem does say 'the choice is up to you' so I'd take the Thomas cook voucher as just a suggestion and get them a nice photo frame or something

Ugh, this is why people ask for money I think!

Original poster
WeddingGift · 03/04/2016 19:56

Thanks everyone for all your inputs! It's been really helpful! I'm thinking of giving 20 cash. In addition to this I'm going to make up a little package of sunscreen etc as a family member works in a shop and gets 50% discount. They will have something to open then too.

OP posts:
pearlylum · 03/04/2016 19:57

Asking for money? So crass and grabby.

pearlylum · 03/04/2016 19:59

weddinggift I wouldn't give them money. Perhaps a gift wrapped pack of chilli condoms.

IoraRua · 03/04/2016 20:03

As an Irish person I can confirm, mad amounts of money spent here. I like the notion of covering my plate but the sums of money got huge in Tiger years. I would rather give cash or something from a guestlist though, at least I know it'll be used.
Tbh, weddings on school days annoy me much more than the idea of giving a lot of money. I'm a teacher so I've only a limited amount of days I can take to go to these though.

Give what you can afford OP - 20 sounds grand to me!

Lemonblast · 03/04/2016 20:06

I'd give them the sunscreen and forget the cash.
I only give cash when it's not demanded expected.
Otherwise they get a naice photo frame or a bale of towels.

allegretto · 03/04/2016 21:33

That is such an unhelpful comment from allegretto!

Cheers for that! The OP asked for opinions and that was mine (and I am on a similar wage). I am in Italy though and it sounds similar to Ireland - I wouldn't spend less than I imagine they would be spending on a meal for two.

Bambambini · 03/04/2016 21:39

50-100. Don't be a stingy whinger unless you really can't afford it!

WetLettuce123 · 03/04/2016 21:45

Your mention of them "not being sun starved" makes you sound bitter about giving them a gift. You admit you'd get them a gift anyway and I know vouchers/ cash exposed exactly how much you spend but if that's what they want then why not just give what they've asked for? They'll be "spending" £xx on yourself and your partner hosting you both for the day. And why are you only calculating how much £20 is compared to what you earn? Both you and your partner are going. If that's all you can afford then that's all you can afford though. Just get the voucher I'm sure they'll be grateful for anything and not comparing what everyone gives anyway!

WetLettuce123 · 03/04/2016 21:46

£20 for two is miserly though IMO.

Original poster
WeddingGift · 03/04/2016 21:53

Bambam I think that comment was unkind. I wasn't whinging at all I was asking for opinions. As previously stated money is currently tight. Sorry but not everyone's circumstances allow for that. 100 is 3/4 of our monthly food budget. Although I suppose my son could eat and dp and I go without.

Wetlettuce I'm unsure how you draw the conclusion that I'm being bitter unless you enjoy being unpleasant to people. If you see a previous comment this is where the phrase actually came from and I was responding to it. As stated we are tight for money currently due to purchasing a property and my dp is off work with an injury.

OP posts:
Original poster
WeddingGift · 03/04/2016 21:55

Wetlettuce "It's not op's responsibility to make sure this poor bloody sun-starved couple get the chance to get away ffs". There's the comment I was referring to.

OP posts:
Original poster
WeddingGift · 03/04/2016 21:56

You also seem to be in the minority as many others have said that amount is fine.

OP posts:
honeyroar · 03/04/2016 22:01

You're not a stingy whinger if you give less than £50. To expect that is grabby IMO.

As for the "cover your plate" thing, I think that's awful, to expect people to foot your wedding. It's quite common in other cultures though. I've met colleagues of Arabic/Turkish cultures where it's normal to spend ££££k on a wedding and huge gifts are expected.

Good job most of my friends aren't into big fussy weddings, I've only ever been invited to one hugely fancy wedding, and after the £300 it would have cost to stay in the hotel, the bride and groom left their bank details (along with traditional crap poem) for wedding "gifts" to be deposited. We declined to go.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/04/2016 22:05

Did anyone have any ideas about how those wanting to "cover their plate" can know what that plate will cost ahead of time ... ?

WetLettuce123 · 03/04/2016 22:05

As I said though, if you're happy giving £20 then do that. They're your friends they're going to be grateful and I'm sure there won't be any fallout or anything over it!

WetLettuce123 · 03/04/2016 22:05

Sorry- I missed the bit about your partner being off work.

4fingers6toes · 03/04/2016 22:55

Puzzled if you go to a wedding where you're expected to cover your plate you'll know it ahead of time. People like that love gossiping about how flash they're being. I know people who have made 70 grand from their wedding (Greek) and everyone knew how much things cost before hand, their vulgar parents couldn't resist bragging telling everyone how much they'd spent. A couple we went with didn't even give a card and we heard about it for weeks afterwards. It's the done thing in some cultures to try and out generous each other brag about how rich you are via other people's weddings

pandarific · 03/04/2016 23:15

I much prefer the Irish method tbh - much more straightforward. You know your friends will like the gift and be happy with it, you give them 50-70 euro PP in a card, more if you want to/are particularly close. The "ugh, money, how dreadful" attitude makes me Hmm whenever I see it.

Bambambini · 03/04/2016 23:55

Well OP, i think your opening post is unkind. Why type out the whole poem if it wasn't to have a dig at your "friends" and invite the scorn if mumsnet to descend- i don't buy it.

The amount that you give, of course isn't important - as long as it's given with affection and best wishes.

ladymariner · 04/04/2016 00:19

If dh and I are invited to the day time as well as the evening we give £50. It's a lovely day out usually! and I think we'd spend a lot more than £25 each if we went for even a meal out. The invite is usually there well in advance so it's not as if you don't know it's coming up.
Agree the poems are awful though.....

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