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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding poem and how much to give

132 replies

WeddingGift · 03/04/2016 08:25

So I've received a wedding invitation with this poem;
We've lived together quite a while
With all our pots and pans
And as we don't need homely gifts
We've got another plan.
We know its not traditional
And not the way it's done
But rather than a wedding list
We'd love a bit of sun.
So if you'd like to give a gift
And send us on our way
A Thomas Cook Voucher
Would really make our day!
But the choice is really up to you and we would like to say
That the best gift we could receive is you here on our special day!

I don't know how much to give! I also hate being asked for money as I feel it's like putting a value on the friendship to some people. I would describe the friend as a good friend and we've known each other a year. I would much prefer to give a gift but feel this may be bad etiquette? I've only been to one wedding and they had a gift list.
For context my dp earns around 25k and I earn minimum wage whilst looking after our 1yo. We are in the process of buying our own home so not loads of spare cash.
Thanks!

OP posts:

Veterinarynurse · 03/04/2016 10:46

We didn't mention gifts in our wedding invites. Quite a few people put £20 in a card which they didn't have to do. It was a lot of money for them and we were very grateful.

Original poster

WeddingGift · 03/04/2016 10:47

Thanks for all your suggestions.

I'm not offended by their request just to be clear, I just feel awkward about giving money as I worry it won't be enough.

They're definitely noy sun starved! They average 2 holidays a year. They can afford a nice honeymoon but are waiting to see how many vouchers they get before booking to see if they can go anywhere even nicer.

OP posts:

chanie44 · 03/04/2016 10:48

I'd much prefer to give money than a gift, as most couples live together before getting married, so I'd rather give them something they want. I give what I can afford though.

JustABigBearAlan · 03/04/2016 10:48

I think you sound like a very thoughtful friend. Seriously don't worry about how much you give. I think £20 is fine and as they've asked for money, I'd give them that . If everyone does it will mount up and they can have a nice holiday. They'll have so many cards etc I'm sure they won't remember who gives what.

What they will remember is thoughtful touches - so an offer to babysit sounds lovely!

m0therofdragons · 03/04/2016 10:50

We recently went to a wedding with a poem. The groom owns 4 homes (rents 3) and has all the household stuff they'll ever need as he's almost 40. I completely understand why they asked for money rather than stuff. We got 4 photo frames that are still boxed from our wedding so really what's the point of buying something they don't need or want? If you don't want to do cash then a bottle of bubbly is usually welcome ime.

Original poster

WeddingGift · 03/04/2016 10:50

Thanks just that's really reassuring! Having a dc myself I know how precious a babysitter can be!

OP posts:

glasg0wmum · 03/04/2016 10:53

I LOATHE poems like that, they are twee, vomit-inducing and poorly written.

I'd buy them a saucepan from Argos just to spite them.

daisychain01 · 03/04/2016 11:01

A bit off point, but it is not advisable to give vouchers, as the company could go bust. Best to give cash.

Given the cost of attending weddings and all the additional upfront costs, 20 quid is fine.

shebird · 03/04/2016 11:06

Just hope you never get invited to an Irish wedding - cash gifts are in the hundreds

Original poster

WeddingGift · 03/04/2016 11:07

shebird I couldn't afford that even if I wanted to.

OP posts:

NicknameUsed · 03/04/2016 11:20

"I think 20 quid is absolutely fine for an evening invitation but as a day guest I usually give at least 50."

Well bully for you XiCi. The OP has clearly stated that she can't afford more than £20. IMO it is absolutely fine to give what you can afford. End of.

Piemernator · 03/04/2016 11:20

DH and I attended a wedding that asked for money, he was outraged and that is not an exaggeration. He decided to see how much he enjoyed the wedding to determine how much money the couple would receive.

It was an excellent wedding and he gave them £100. If I am invited to an evening do only that involves travel and an overnight stay I just don't bother to attend. I have been a guest at 33 weddings and its cost me a bloody fortune over the years.

People that write such appalling poetry such as your friend should be put in the stocks and have veg chucked at them.

jamhot · 03/04/2016 11:39

I am getting married this month. I would be delighted with £20 (or five or ten) towards something that I would really enjoy. £20 for them could mean the difference between a room upgrade or not, extra leg room on the plane, 5km extra luggage... It could make their trip that bit more special.

I am grateful that my guess are travelling to us. Any gift is a bonus.

Eff tradition. Those posters who have suggested being mean because the bride and groom are not being traditional or following convention, that's not very nice and says a lot about how much you treasure their friendship. "The rules" shouldn't mean more than your love for family and friends.

Throwingshadeagain · 03/04/2016 11:41

See Piemernator I think paying what you think a wedding was worth after the fact is far worse than asking for money!

People expect and want to give gifts, .

Original poster

WeddingGift · 03/04/2016 11:47

Thanks Nickname.

Pieminator that did make me laugh!

I think I will give cash rather than the voucher, or a gift card for their favourite restaurant. Plus babysitting

OP posts:

Sandbrook · 03/04/2016 12:03

The babysitting is a great idea. Worth its weight in gold.
And I would usually give between 20 and 50 depending on friendship.

My BILS family are Irish and according to him the average gift is 250 euro!! He says it doesnt matter whether it travel, accomodation etc

Original poster

WeddingGift · 03/04/2016 12:16

Sand that is shocking! People will get married just for the cash

OP posts:

GabiSolis · 03/04/2016 12:17

Oh dear, tacky poem!

I would give a token gift or bottle of something, I tend not to give money if it's requested. We've given John Lewis vouchers or similar in the past if the B&G don't mention anything on the invitation.

Alconleigh · 03/04/2016 12:22

Can someone Irish clarify the mad levels of cash giving please? Is it that cash gifts were always the case and the amounts went nuts around the time of the whole Celtic tiger financial bubble stuff? Or has this level of generosity always been the case? And how on earth do people afford it?
And do people really not factor in the overall cost of attending when calculating value of gift, I know I do, largely as most weddings have cost me hundreds to attend, so not a chance in hell they are getting more than about £50 out of me on top of that.

emwithme · 03/04/2016 12:27

When DH and I got married, I appreciated the £20 from my school friend (who came 120 miles each way with her DH and three DC under six) than the £500 from DH's cousin and very rich husband. It was more of a sacrifice for schoolfriend-and-husband than it was for cousin-and-husband.

I also appreciated all the people who came and gave us photo frames, or champagne, or nothing. It was their presence at the wedding that I wanted. Any cash/gifts we received were a bonus.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/04/2016 12:27

I would normally spend 20 on a gift. It just doesn't look like a lot!

I often wonder if some of the more grabby B&Gs factor this in when asking for money, hoping it will result in more. The fact they've not yet booked a honeymoon seems significant too; perhaps they're not familiar with the idea of booking only what you can afford?

I once made and decorated the cake, and bought and arranged all the flowers, in lieu of a more usual gift for a friend's wedding - then found out later she'd slagged me off for not giving cash as well

Beats me sometimes why folk don't just sell tickets and be done with it

Ed1tY0urPr0f1le · 03/04/2016 12:30

The poem is dire but I would give them the benefit of the doubt - they must think it's an original idea and nicer than just flat out asking for cash! They'll probably cringe in a few years when they look back!

I have no problem at all with giving money and prefer it tbh. If they have a gift list, they'll know how much you spent anyway. If there isn't a list, then I'd much prefer to give money than buy something they may not need that will sit in a cupboard for a few years and eventually end up in the charity shop.

Babysitting is a lovely idea :)

thesockgap · 03/04/2016 12:38

We really don't have much spare cash to throw around and you also have to remember that simply attending a wedding is costly - without taking into account a gift - from outfits to drinks and possibly transport and hotel costs on top. When we've been to family weddings we usually give £50, for friends it's been more like £30. We simply don't have £100+ to offer! We have always just given what we could afford, and with one notable exception, the B&G have always been perfectly happy with that. The one exception was DH's brother who openly expressed his contempt that we'd only given him and his bride £50, when many of their (rich, London, banker type) friends had given them gifts in the £100s. DH and brother fell out for several years after this incident, unsurprisingly. OP, give what you can afford. If it's £20 then don't forget, if there are a hundred guests those £20s will all mount up !

Original poster

WeddingGift · 03/04/2016 12:38

puzzled that's awful of your friend! The lack of booking for their honeymoon seems strange to me but I'm unsure why! The bride has mentioned the wedding is costing upwards of 20k so maybe that's why they want vouchers!

Ed1t I would hate to give something they don't want!

OP posts:

Original poster

WeddingGift · 03/04/2016 12:40

Thesock shocking behaviour from your bil! Yes just attending will be costly! We'll have a look at our budget for the wedding as a whole I think

OP posts:

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