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Original poster

Wedding poem and how much to give

132 replies

WeddingGift · 03/04/2016 08:25

So I've received a wedding invitation with this poem;
We've lived together quite a while
With all our pots and pans
And as we don't need homely gifts
We've got another plan.
We know its not traditional
And not the way it's done
But rather than a wedding list
We'd love a bit of sun.
So if you'd like to give a gift
And send us on our way
A Thomas Cook Voucher
Would really make our day!
But the choice is really up to you and we would like to say
That the best gift we could receive is you here on our special day!

I don't know how much to give! I also hate being asked for money as I feel it's like putting a value on the friendship to some people. I would describe the friend as a good friend and we've known each other a year. I would much prefer to give a gift but feel this may be bad etiquette? I've only been to one wedding and they had a gift list.
For context my dp earns around 25k and I earn minimum wage whilst looking after our 1yo. We are in the process of buying our own home so not loads of spare cash.
Thanks!

OP posts:
NotSayingImBatman · 03/04/2016 08:55

Who are all these people that don't give less than £50? That's what DH and I got off his sister, friends spent £10-20 max (we didn't ask for gifts or money, just sent out invitations, most people bunged a couple of notes in a card). I couldn't have cared less if friends had given us £50 or a box of Milk Tray, I wanted them at my wedding to share the day, not stump up loads of dosh.

That poem actually seems pretty nice, as far as poems go, they've said your presence is the most important thing. If you want it to look more impressive, why not see if other members of the friendship group want to club together to buy a chunkier voucher?

ClutterofStarlings · 03/04/2016 08:56

Depends a bit on the group, but could you all go in together? So you all put in 20/30 pounds, but that makes up a big present. As long as it's organised by 'what we can afford' not 'everyone has to put in £50'. And then you buy a lovely card and everyone signs it Smile

ohforfoxsake · 03/04/2016 08:57

Another option is to club together as a group - suggest everyone gives a max of £30 and you give vouchers and a small gift as a momento.

mrsmeerkat · 03/04/2016 08:57

Off point but we live in Ireland and the amount n is extortionate. Think up to 300 Euro in some cases.

Original poster
WeddingGift · 03/04/2016 08:59

Clubbing together might be a good idea. One of the guys might be a let's give 50 each person as he's very well off but I think the rest of us can overrule Grin

OP posts:
ProjectGainsborough · 03/04/2016 09:02

We did a honeymoon gift fund and I'm sure some people gave £20. We were just grateful for the contribution. And some people went 'off list' and we were grateful for their gifts too. Don't spend more that you can afford, I am sure your friends won't judge you (going by the poem - it's cheesy, but they sound sweet rather than greedy!)

Throwingshadeagain · 03/04/2016 09:04

Yes mrsmeerkat it is not just wealthy people who give £50/100+, sometimes it's just the cultural norm. As in your cultural background and as in the culture of your particular friendship group. But of course people shouldn't give more than they can afford - as I said on the duplicate thread, real friends do actually mean it when they say 'if you do want to give us something great, if not great too - we just want your company'.

I have no issue with a B&G asking for money at all - it's the same as a gift list where all the prices are on there for everyone to see anyway.

Parney · 03/04/2016 09:05

Also love in Ireland and I'm fascinated by the difference! OP if you're thinking along the lines of 20-30 maybe a meal voucher might be nicer?

Babytalkobsession · 03/04/2016 09:07

We didn't have a poem or any reference to gifts on our invites but mainly received money from guests (totally their choice). It varied from £15 - £150 depending and we genuinely didn't give a shit who gave what. A couple of guests gave nothing but wrote in the card something like 'we'll take you out for dinner when money's not so tight' type thing. Close friends and we really appreciated the effort they made in being there over any money they might give.

As guests we usually give £50 from us as a couple of we go for the day.

Point is, do what feels right to your situation. If they're a nice couple they won't care. Don't give it another thought.

Parney · 03/04/2016 09:07

Sorry posted too quickly but it really is what you can afford. The couple will genuinely be glad you're there, I'm sure they understand huge pressures involved in attending their big day! If you really want to get a gift, try to link it with holiday. Engraved pass port holders? Set of fluffy beach towels? Practical.

Original poster
WeddingGift · 03/04/2016 09:09

Ohh Parney that's a great idea! I've looked after their daughter a lot and could offer my babysitting services too!

OP posts:
EverybodyHatesATourist · 03/04/2016 09:12

We had a gift list when we got married and some people gave us money or vouchers instead. It was fun opening the gifts but we wouldn't have noticed if someone hadn't given us a card or present, it's not like we sat cross-checking the guest list.

BasinHaircut · 03/04/2016 09:12

Whatever you can afford comfortably. If they think less of you for not giving 'enough' then drop them.

Parney · 03/04/2016 09:12

Perfect, offer them a voucher towards a meal away from wedding madness! You in charge of their Dd. I know in the lead up to our wedding I never got to spend much alone time with my now DH! So busy and so many people calling, was lovely but a quiet meal would have been heaven.

ArriettyMatilda · 03/04/2016 09:13

If you can afford twenty give twenty. It might not seem a lot but since they have asked everyone then it will help them to have a holiday. I personally don't get the problem, why buy them stuff they don't need? I suppose traditionally the marriage would come before setting up home together and so couples would need gifts like dinner services and towels. If they already have all this and people want to give them something then why not money or vouchers?

bakeoffcake · 03/04/2016 09:15

We've had an invite where they are just moving into their 5 bed house and have just booked their 3 week honeymoon in Mauritius, so the peom for money fell rather flat. I'd usually spend up to £100 on a wedding gift but I've decided this couple are being exceeding cheeky so I'll be buying them a small gift.

storybrooke · 03/04/2016 09:15

Similar to your poem invite (we didn't use a poem though!) we stated no gifts were necessary when we sent our invites (money wasn't mentioned). We were however thrilled when we received a few gifts and money, I especially loved the silver photo frames we've used to display our wedding photo. I'd go with that tbh.

I think most rational people's common sense just goes when planning a wedding.

storybrooke · 03/04/2016 09:19

And those saying £20 isn't a lot Hmm £20 to op is big chunk of her daily wage, just to put it in perspective.

Original poster
WeddingGift · 03/04/2016 09:38

Arrietty it's not a problem, I just feel awkward about money that's all Smile

Parney they would love an evening to themselves!

bakeoff they do sound cheeky Shock

story thank you, the photo frames are a good idea. And thanks for understanding about my wages! Many people don't!

OP posts:
ohforfoxsake · 03/04/2016 09:56

I loved the photo frames we received and I used them for wedding photos

Babysitting is a great gift.

ClopySow · 03/04/2016 10:09

I wouldn't be even a tiny bit offended if i received a fiver, or a tenner or £20, i'd be genuinely grateful. I don't think i'd notice if i got nothing. Or if i did i wouldn't be bothered.

The last few weddings i was at, my then partner and i put £30 in the card from the 2 of us.

I think it's awful that people feel under such pressure to give huge amounts.

TeaBelle · 03/04/2016 10:35

I don't understand why people are so offended by a money request. If I'm going to a wedding, I take a gift of some type - if it's not stated within the invitation then I have to ask bride or groom what they would like. They may get 25 such messages, which when you're organising the last bits of a wedding, is an added stress which can easily be overcome.

Why would I give something which the couple clearly don't want or need? That means that I'm giving a gift to meet my own needs, rather than theirs.

FlowersAndShit · 03/04/2016 10:38

I wouldn't go to the wedding. It's to tacky and cringeworthy when people ask for money at weddings, glorified begging. I can't believe that adults think this is acceptable, it's such bad manners.

MrsBobDylan · 03/04/2016 10:40

£20 is fine and very generous. It's not op's responsibility to make sure this poor bloody sun-starved couple get the chance to get away ffs.

I feel very badly about giving cash at the moment - the last 3 weddings we have been to we gave a cash gift, as per request via awful, fake-humble poetry but received no thank you note.

I'm going to another such affair this summer and if there's yet again no thank you note (or text or email I'm not fussy) I'm resolved to turning down all future requests.

IJustLostTheGame · 03/04/2016 10:45

I'm going to a wedding this summer. The invite contained a begging poem, the request for the guests to wear certain colours and a CD of cheesy love songs.

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