Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding poem and how much to give

132 replies

WeddingGift · 03/04/2016 08:25

So I've received a wedding invitation with this poem;
We've lived together quite a while
With all our pots and pans
And as we don't need homely gifts
We've got another plan.
We know its not traditional
And not the way it's done
But rather than a wedding list
We'd love a bit of sun.
So if you'd like to give a gift
And send us on our way
A Thomas Cook Voucher
Would really make our day!
But the choice is really up to you and we would like to say
That the best gift we could receive is you here on our special day!

I don't know how much to give! I also hate being asked for money as I feel it's like putting a value on the friendship to some people. I would describe the friend as a good friend and we've known each other a year. I would much prefer to give a gift but feel this may be bad etiquette? I've only been to one wedding and they had a gift list.
For context my dp earns around 25k and I earn minimum wage whilst looking after our 1yo. We are in the process of buying our own home so not loads of spare cash.
Thanks!

OP posts:
hairymelonwalton · 03/04/2016 12:45

save the holiday vouchers out the sun newspaper and give them as your contribution to the honeymoonGrinHalo

Parney · 03/04/2016 12:49

Someone asking for Irish clarification, and I just can't explain it! I'm in my twenties and it's always been that way, not sure but shall question parents later. We would always give minimum 200 depending on relationship with couple (have given 500 when member of bridal party) We've had about 15 weddings in the last two years so it does add up.The average I'd say would be 150 per couple. It's just the done thing, we got married last year and were shocked at some gifts, most were over 200 per couple some a lot more. We never asked for cash or any gifts so were overwhelmed. Are weddings expensive in the UK? About 70 per head here so most people tend to cover their own costs as a guest. I'm not saying it's obligatory but that's the way it is where I'm from.

honeyroar · 03/04/2016 12:52

If you had 100 people at your wedding and all of them "only" gave you £10 you'd still have £1000, which is still a bloody nice amount to put towards something you want, just because you put on a fancy frock and said I will.

We had some vouchers, some gifts, some money. All was lovely. I only remember feeling Confused at one group of my husbands friends who put £20 in a shared card between three couples. Over the past decade that friendship has fizzled.

Cactoos · 03/04/2016 12:54

My American friends always say 'You pay for ya plate' - i.e., your gift - if you can afford it - should cost about the same as the hospitality you'll be offered.

However, if that would cause hardship, and as your friends want to go somewhere sunny, how about a selection of sun-screen and after-sun lotions? While you'll be going 'off-list', you'll still be contributing to something they actually want.

Original poster
WeddingGift · 03/04/2016 13:12

Ohh Cactoos that's a great idea too!

OP posts:
Sandbrook · 03/04/2016 13:21

Yes as far as I remember from conversation with Irish BIL was that you covered the cost of your meal. So if 70 per head was standard wedding surely that means a max of 150 per couple.
Not sure why the extra.

MaudGonneMad · 03/04/2016 13:27

Not sure why the extra

That's usually considered the minimum. Extra if you are related to, or close friends of, the couple.

Also being thought of as mean or tight is a thing to fear in Ireland*.

*generalisation alert

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/04/2016 13:47

My American friends always say 'You pay for ya plate' - i.e., your gift - if you can afford it - should cost about the same as the hospitality you'll be offered

I've always wondered how guests are supposed to know how much the hospitality costs, given that gifts are usually put together beforehand? Do the B&G put the cost on the invites? Or mention it "on the grapevine"? Or (heaven forbid) talk the event up in the hope guests will cough up even more and they'll make a profit on the day?

Sorry, but it all brings me back to selling tickets, which would at least be straightforward

JonathanSmith78 · 03/04/2016 13:57

That poem is awful! Give what you can afford but you would have spent on a gift so anywhere from £20 to £50 personally wouldn't go below £20.

OverScentedFanjo · 03/04/2016 14:00

I had this recently. It really pissed me off for some reason. Twee poem.

Anyway I gave a photo frame. It was the only gift on the table, but I was fine with it. Also I thought it would be nice for them to open something. The wedding cost me a fair amount anyway and I'm a SAHM. I did pay for the hair and make up for the bride. As she wasn't going to have it done due to costs.

MadisonAvenue · 03/04/2016 14:22

£20 is absolutely fine OP!

We gave £30 when we were invited to a neighbour's evening reception last year. There was a begging poem with the invite and I thought £20 was acceptable but my husband wanted to give £50 which I thought was far too much so we haggled and came to £30, and they didn't send thank notes so I was glad we hadn't given more.

We've got two weddings this Summer. One is an evening reception only but that's come with a crap poem, it's only an acquaintance so I might just either give a nice bottle of wine or just take them on their word that they're happy just to have our company. The other is my husband's nephew and we'll be expected to give a sizeable gift because the in laws are money grabbing bastards but we've got to travel as they live 200 miles away, stay over and we've also got to arrange for our dog to be looked after (I did say that I wouldn't go because it's a lot of hassle and expense and I haven't seen my husband's nephew for years and have never met his girlfriend but my mother in law say that I have to be there Hmm).

hibbleddible · 03/04/2016 14:25

A bottle of champagne and some flutes?

MadisonAvenue · 03/04/2016 14:30

Oh, and there was a poem about saving for a house deposit when my cousin's son was married last year. Nice idea but perhaps if they needed to raise a deposit they could've done without the Barbados honeymoon and the expensive game system and selection of games which his wife bought for him (he uploaded a photo onto Facebook) for his birthday two months later.

pearlylum · 03/04/2016 14:32

How rude to ask for money.

THey would get a gift of my choosing.

awfullyproper · 03/04/2016 14:36

£20 is fine.
We did this minus the awful poem. It was more to give people something to give rather than begging.
I didn't really care how much people put in. I remember being stunned by some people's generosity but not thinking anyone was mean.

Misswrite89 · 03/04/2016 14:38

I fucking hate these poems. They are so grabby. I'd give them pots and pans.

Maverick66 · 03/04/2016 14:51

I wish I went to weddings in England where I live the minimum cash gift is £150 for friends and £200 for family!

Alconleigh · 03/04/2016 14:54

The cover your plate thing only works if weddings are local to the guests, as I guess most weddings used to be, though surely? Because attending pretty much every wedding I have been to has cost me far, far more than the food and drink I've consumed which the bride and groom have paid for. Now I realise that the costs I've paid out have gone to rail companies, hotels, etc rather than the couple, but the point remains....if you want to start toting up costs, the guests have generally spent more than the bride and groom, when you take it down to an individual or couple level; and I think this point gets forgotten a lot when all the bride and groom can see is that they have spent e.g. £20k.....

PennyHasNoSurname · 03/04/2016 14:57

I usually give 50 for daytime or 25 for evening only invite.

If you really can only afford £20 then I would use the £20 to spend on a gift. Preferably one that is of a good quality / in the sale.

isitginoclock · 03/04/2016 14:59

I'd go with a pressie on the basis that the poem is dreadful. Something luxurious but consumable if they've got everything they want for the house: champers/ whisky etc

isitginoclock · 03/04/2016 15:06

I'd go with a pressie on the basis that the poem is dreadful. Something luxurious but consumable if they've got everything they want for the house: champers/ whisky etc

Primaryteach87 · 03/04/2016 15:21

I have £20 to a close friend who I was a bridesmaid for. It wasn't I didn't want to give more but I know she would want to to go into debt for her honeymoon! I have never got the impression she was remotely offended. So I would give the amount you can afford.

MrTCakes · 03/04/2016 15:50

I think £20 is fine. I had cash gifts ranging from 20 - 100 at my wedding and was grateful for them all. Everyone has different circumstances and once you factor in travel/outfit/hotel stay etc for a wedding it isn't cheap.

NicknameUsed · 03/04/2016 17:13

"where I live the minimum cash gift is £150 for friends and £200 for family!"

So, decline the invitation instead, and send a card.

huskylover · 03/04/2016 17:18

I would say £50.