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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Paying for days out with others

124 replies

fluffymummykins · 01/04/2016 15:26

My step-child has been with us the past few days during the day, even though it is their Mum's day. Their Mum asked if we could have them on Tuesday while she went to work because she had no childcare. We agreed to have my step-child, but I had already booked tickets for a family day out for me and my other children. We asked if my step-child's Mum wanted us to have them on Wednesday as well, assuming she had no childcare then either,to which she said yes. Again, we had prebooked tickets for a family day out. I had to then change both bookings so my step-child could come.

AIBU to expect my step-child's Mum to pay, or at least offer towards the tickets? Seeing as it was her childcare that had fallen through?

OP posts:

BatmanLovesLarry · 01/04/2016 17:57

Where are you going that charges adult prices for an 8 year old?

littleleftie · 01/04/2016 17:57

If you genuinely couldn't afford to pay for her then you should have explained that to her mother when you agreed to have her - "Yes we would love to have her an extra day, however we are all going to X and we cannot afford to pay for her too, can you send £x to cover it"

However, this reads to me more like you can afford it but you would rather not. Where is the childs father in all this? He should be paying rather than you.

PPie10 · 01/04/2016 17:59

It's sad that your reference to 'others' meant your dsd. If you genuinely couldn't afford it then Yanbu. However you could ask your dp to pay. Why did you marry him if you weren't ready to accept his DD as part of your family.

You met here when she was 2, practically a baby so how hasn't she grown on you by now?

2016ismyyear · 01/04/2016 18:16

Most is really tight in our house. I'd be asking if she can pay admission of necessary. On the rare occasion I take the children out then Sometimes that extra child is the tipping point between can do and cant do. We have local passes for a couple of attraction. We have to buy step children's passes as well even though their Mum has already brought one and won't let them use it with us. We'd offered to pay half too but no not good enough.

My stepchildren are also of the age where what interests them isn't what interests the younger ones.

If we go swimming we have to buy costumes etc. Considering we hardly go it's such as waste.

If Mum needs to change contact days we have to accomdate. If we need to cancel ( rare but illness, operation, childbirth has occasionally needed to ) then we are the devil.

Ive lost track of the amount of teas that have been wasted because Step children cancel coming for Tea as Mum hasn't made it back on time for the one weekday contact during holidays. If we'd go out for day then not returned in time for pick up then they would have been eruptions.

We aren't good enough for overnight stays regularly yet suitable for when she wants a night away with her DP.

There are so many contradictions when you are a blended family. You try and please everyone yet are constantly tripping on egg shells.

I don't think you are unreasonable to ask for help with admission costs if money is genuinely tight. You've saved her childcare fees and sounds like she has been disorganised in organising the holidays.

Runner05 · 01/04/2016 18:20

I see your point OP but you really should have spoken to the mum when she asked, told her about the activity and that you couldn't afford the extra ticket and informed her you would be happy to have the child if she would pay for the ticket. Resenting that she didn't offer after the fact is unreasonable and you should speak to your DP about the money rather than the mum.

I think you probably worded your OP badly and it made you come across as not being very fond of your DSC which is a shame as there are a lot of people on MN who automatically think the worse of step-parents (we do after all have a reputation for being evil I keep trying to convince my DSCs that I'm evil but they refuse to believe me).
You are also being unreasonable to expect your DSCs mother to give two figgs about your children, but the people suggesting that you should have invited your DSC on a day you had planned for your DC are also unreasonable as you need quality time too just like your DSC gets with their mum.

There is a lot of inequality in blended families and anyone who is a step-mum knows that it's a constant balancing act to make everyone feel loved equally. DSC get double the holidays, double the gifts and usually double the the days out and general money spent on them. DCs get less physical stuff but get the stability of having both parents around. As an adult we understand that what they gain is worth so much more than a few extra presents at Christmas but as a child it's hard to understand that inequality or see things from a different perspective just because they need to learn that with age.

Bickering between the two families is going to happen sometimes, it can't be helped particularly when plans change at the last minute but the important thing is to be the bigger person, if you chose to be with someone that has kids then you walked in with your eyes open and should be prepared to go the extra mile to enrich that child's life rather than participating in friction that will make the child feel bad. You can think your DSCs mum is the biggest cow bag on the planet and the most unreasonable pain in the ass but that really is irrelevant, you don't need to like her, you just need to work with her however you can.

Tanith · 01/04/2016 18:23

Sounds like someone isn't being entirely honest with you, Op.

If the mum is using a childminder who is on holiday, this is not a last minute childcare-fell-through situation. Very likely, the childminder gave notice of her holiday at least a month ago. Many give details of holidays at the beginning of the year to enable everyone to co-ordinate leave and time off.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/04/2016 18:30

Sorry if I've missed this but is dad going on the days out as well?

itsmine · 01/04/2016 18:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AugustaFinkNottle · 01/04/2016 18:38

I still don't understand where the child's father is in all this, and why OP is ignoring questions about him.

coffeeisnectar · 01/04/2016 18:42

I think it's hilarious that there are people saying the DP should pay for his child to have the day out. Surely it's family money and if the op is struggling with cash then so is he?

And I doubt the DP can 'just take a few days off' to look after his child. Any more than the mum can. Which is why the Op is now looking after the child as well as the others.

And because she wasn't expecting to have that extra child, she had already booked things for her and her own dc to do which may have been done ages ago and to add another person to it now could end up costing a lot. Which impacts on every day of the holidays.

We had booked a day out in December last year, booked train tickets for the four of us, months earlier to get them really cheap (think £20 return rather than £60 return) and also booked tickets for an attraction. We got an email four days before we were going asking if we could have DSD on the Friday to the Sunday which we agreed. Then another email saying DSD was busy on Saturday so could she come Sunday to Tuesday instead. We had to say no as we simply could not afford to buy another train ticket so late at extortionate cost for the Monday. The abuse we got about that is still reverberating months later with DSD accusing her dad of not wanting to see her and prioritising us over her. Bearing in mind she hadn't wanted to see him since September and we have only seen her for four days in total in the last 7 months and yet if the call comes we are expected to just drop everything to accomodate her demands.

I think the Op is entirely justified in being put out at being used as free childcare by the ex at her expense. It's all very well the PP saying they take their niece out and don't expect the mum to pay but they are offering to take the niece, not having her dropped on her at the last minute for days at a time completely out of the blue.

AugustaFinkNottle · 01/04/2016 18:49

The point is, coffee, that it's not too clear whether it's family money or not, as OP says that having to make the payments is "a lot for me".

thebestfurchinchilla · 01/04/2016 18:57

Are the other children paying for themselves?? If the answer is no then neither should your step child. I take it she/he is your DPs child? Surely he would want to pay for his child's day out?

littleleftie · 01/04/2016 19:10

coffee on MN I find people refer to their DP in all kinds of situations. Some of which I would think of as "dating".

It is entirely possible the OP doesn't even live with "DP" let alone have joint finances. She refers to herself as not being able to afford it - not "we."

BoatyMcBoat · 01/04/2016 19:11

So either your dp/dh hasn't got a job and can't pay for his child, or he does work and doesn't want to pay for his child.

If you can's afford the extra ticket then you don't agree to take the child. If you tell the ex that you can only take the child if she pays for the ticket, then either she pays or she finds someone else to cover that day.

OTOH, you sound so resentful of this child that I feel extremely sorry for her. I also think your resentment should be directed to your other half, who is the parent after all. You haven't mentioned him at all.

And no, your oh's ex has nothing at all to do with your children. That would be ridiculous.

Mousefinkle · 01/04/2016 19:11

Even the thread title made me sad, others. You're not talking about a stranger here. This is your stepchild, an important member of your family whether you like it or not. If you don't want stepchildren date people who don't have children or don't date at all. It's really made me sad...

Of course yabu, you're effectively asking if your DSC's mother should pay his/her father to look after them. What does the father/ your partner say about it all? Surely he wouldn't be on board with asking her to pay! Utter insanity

EverySongbirdSays · 01/04/2016 19:12

As certain PP have said. Your very title is quite indicative of your attitude towards this child. It is 'other' to you and not a member of your family in your eyes and frankly you resent this child and all the financial obligations you and your DH/DP have towards it.

I sound like a right bitch I'm sure, but that IS how you feel, isn't it?

Binders1 · 01/04/2016 19:15

coffee Why is it hilarious? You may be entirely right in ops case but not everyone runs their household finances with joint/family money. We don't know what the dad pays or doesn't pay but it is not unreasonable that he pays for his own child or should a dm pay for everything?

Op could have said no but she not only didn't say no, but kindly offered an additional day as well which the dm hadn't asked for. Op put herself in a position of childcare on another day that also involved tickets/cost. The op didn't say the child was being dropped on her for days at a time either.

ClarenceTheLion · 01/04/2016 19:17

Sorry OP, if you're not here to get your halo polished, abuse is standard these days. Digitalspy is more civil, and that's really saying something.

Something that has been absent from your comment though is any mention of your DSCs father. Shouldn't he pay for his child? Can't he arrange to take care of him/her? I don't know why it's all being put on you. And yes, the child's mother is very U and entitled for expecting you to drop everything at her command, especially if she only likes you doing things with her child when she says so. Say no if you want to. You don't have to jump through her hoops.

ClarenceTheLion · 01/04/2016 19:20

It is 'other' to you

The child's mother has made 'it' other though. She can't throw a tantrum when her DC is invited out with her DF and family, then suddenly be fine with it when it directly benefits her. You're right. She's either part of the family or she isn't. But her mother needs to answer that question, not the OP.

Jojoriley · 01/04/2016 19:23

I feel so sorry for this poor child. Surely you could include her as part of your family? She will be sensing she isn't welcome- imagine how that feels? I'm part of blended family and all children think of themselves as siblings even though they have different mothers- can't you try to see the bigger picture and imagine how it is for the kids NOT the other mother? I'm afraid YABU

EverySongbirdSays · 01/04/2016 19:24

"her mother needs to answer that question, not the OP"

The question answers itself if she is OP's DH/DP's child then she's a member of OP's family

SuperFlyHigh · 01/04/2016 19:30

Either you say yes or no to the SC coming. Either you ask your DP for the extra money or you ask the mother. If it that expensive and prebooked then make excuses. If not prebooked could you change what's being done so more affordable?

I've been a SC and invited everywhere and my mum never asked to pay, DSM was more than generous to me never a question of costs. Dad is now a long time dead, they're divorced and no contact now (step sibling woes!) but still even when they got divorced she took me out with them, etc. because we are or were a family.

TeacupsandFigs · 01/04/2016 19:35

She's not a random child, she's part of your family so you should pay for her to come along, especially one days when you have invited her.

MammaTJ · 01/04/2016 21:09

Been a step mum, now my DP is step dad to my DD.

Sorry, YABU!

She does not allow her DD to come to you on days other than her Dads normally. Be grateful this has happened and you get to spend extra time with her!

Having said that, you have to pay 'Adult' price for her? She does not need child care.

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