Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying for days out with others

124 replies

fluffymummykins · 01/04/2016 15:26

My step-child has been with us the past few days during the day, even though it is their Mum's day. Their Mum asked if we could have them on Tuesday while she went to work because she had no childcare. We agreed to have my step-child, but I had already booked tickets for a family day out for me and my other children. We asked if my step-child's Mum wanted us to have them on Wednesday as well, assuming she had no childcare then either,to which she said yes. Again, we had prebooked tickets for a family day out. I had to then change both bookings so my step-child could come.

AIBU to expect my step-child's Mum to pay, or at least offer towards the tickets? Seeing as it was her childcare that had fallen through?

OP posts:
Lemonblast · 01/04/2016 15:52

Where is your partner in all of this?

cjt110 · 01/04/2016 15:53

So you have plans anyway - why didnt you say you are busy and cant help out? Why cant the childs Dad have a day off with the child and you go and do whatever you were doing anyway? Saves you the money - if Mum cant afford choldcare, she's hardly likely to be able to afford a day ticket somewhere - and child gets one to one time with Dad

lateforeverything · 01/04/2016 15:53

Wow. Posts like this give us step mums a bad name Sad

Lemonblast · 01/04/2016 15:54

Works both ways? What an idiotic argument. The OPs children are nothing to do with the Ex.

lateforeverything · 01/04/2016 15:54

Cross post.

Please don't sink to her level just because she says things like that. We are the adults after all.

Greyponcho · 01/04/2016 15:55

What lemonblast said

cjt110 · 01/04/2016 15:55

The Mum never includes my children in her plans. My children are nothing to her (her words). :-(

With the greatest of respect she doesnt have to arrange things for your children. Her child is with the child father, your partner and as such, any arrangements you as a family make should include step child. I don't understand the logic of why Mum would plan anything for your children when they really arent anything to do with her, whereas her child is something to do with you as you are with their father. Confused Sorry if Im missing the point....

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 01/04/2016 15:56

Well y'know fluffy if you read any threads on Ste Parents, you would know you have to put everything on hold Hmm

There was one a couple of years ago (TAAT, yes)
A Poster who had DC,DH and a StepSon. Couldn't afford to pay the extra because it would've meant an extra room.
The SDS was going away on a luxury forrin holiday with his Mum and her DP.

But the poor OP got slated "You can;t not invite him" "Go camping, have a cheaper holiday"

I wrote "Does SMum take her SDC on holiday like the Op does"
I got "Oh don't be so fucking ridiculous 70 "

MsColouring · 01/04/2016 15:56

I think people are being a bit harsh here (I wouldn't expect anything different on a step parenting thread). Presumably there is agreed contact but in this case the op is being used for free childcare at the last minute and has had to change plans to accommodate the dsc. I think tbh you should just suck it up this time but if it becomes a habit perhaps a conversation needs to be had.

Original poster
fluffymummykins · 01/04/2016 15:57

It wasn't that she couldn't afford childcare, her childminder was on holiday.

OP posts:
70isaLimitNotaTarget · 01/04/2016 15:57

Are your DC her Ex DH children?
Then they are something to do with her, they're her DC half siblings

EatShitDerek · 01/04/2016 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cjt110 · 01/04/2016 15:59

fluffy She clearly cant afford childcare otherwise she wouldn't have asked for your help - she'd have just booked an out of school club.

cjt110 · 01/04/2016 16:00

as PP have said, why can't your DP take the day off?

GinIsIn · 01/04/2016 16:00

You are being VU, and a little odd, to be honest. You should pay because step-child is part of your family. Step-child's mum has no obligation towards children her partner goes on to have after they split up and why on earth would you think she should?!

Your partner has shared responsibility for his former family, and for your family. Why should his first wife have any responsibility for his subsequent family?

If your DP leaves you and goes on to have children with someone else, will you be taking his new children on cosy outings, or will they mean nothing to you...?

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 01/04/2016 16:01

The Mum never includes my children in her plans. My children are nothing to her (her words)

Well, if they are her DCs half siblings they are something to do with her, but I assume she doesn't include your children because they wouldn't be at her house because they don't visit her, whereas your step-child does visit yours, because their dad lives there? Am I missing something?

RidersOnTheStorm · 01/04/2016 16:02

The DSC is "part of you family", so you're supposed to pay up without complaint, according to some on MN.

But ask if it's OK to discipline "part of your family" and you will be told it's not your business.

YANBU, OP. The mother should pay up. But she won't.

Greyponcho · 01/04/2016 16:04

Communication seems to be lacking - she would've known that her childcare provider was unavailable & not at the last minute & whether she had booked time off work or not, yet didn't think to mention it to you sooner & subsequently assuming you can change your plans to accommodate your DSC... for which she is BU.

Original poster
fluffymummykins · 01/04/2016 16:04

Thank you. I guess I wasn't expecting quite so much abuse. Perhaps if I had all day to write the background of it all they wouldn'tb e quite so mean

OP posts:
MsColouring · 01/04/2016 16:04

I'm sure it's not that easy for the op's oh to take a day off every time his ex's childcare falls through.

fastdaytears · 01/04/2016 16:04

Am I missing something?

If you are then I am too! I don't think I've ever met my half siblings' or step siblings' other parent, much less been on a day out with them. I don't know how that would have come about.

TheSolitaryWanderer · 01/04/2016 16:05

'Perhaps if I had all day to write the background of it all they wouldn'tb e quite so mean'

My priority would still be the child, and your partner taking responsibility for their wellbeing and happiness. Whatever your complaints about the mother.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 01/04/2016 16:07

I would hope (hollow laughter) that the Mum would say "As I;m asking you a favour to cover my childcare (and the OP has had the StepDC the past few days during the day ) then I'll give you/offer you the money that I would've paid because you've got me out of a hole here "

But no.
You have to Suck.It.Up. So it seems Hmm

honeysucklejasmine · 01/04/2016 16:07

I just finished reading another step paeebte thread, then this one. The somewhat contradictory message is:

Your SC is not your DC, back off. But they are your family, you heartless monster.

Although in both cases, the DP seems to be a spectator. Sad

Summerblaze100 · 01/04/2016 16:08

My SIL has asked me to have her DD when I've had plans and I've just booked an extra ticket and paid. She is technically not related to me other than by my marriage to DH and he is usually at work. This is your Step Child so she is his family so you step up.

Gets my goat when SM's or their family don't treat children from other relationships the same as their own.

She has no connection to your DC at all so she doesn't need to include them in her plans.

Swipe left for the next trending thread