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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying for days out with others

124 replies

fluffymummykins · 01/04/2016 15:26

My step-child has been with us the past few days during the day, even though it is their Mum's day. Their Mum asked if we could have them on Tuesday while she went to work because she had no childcare. We agreed to have my step-child, but I had already booked tickets for a family day out for me and my other children. We asked if my step-child's Mum wanted us to have them on Wednesday as well, assuming she had no childcare then either,to which she said yes. Again, we had prebooked tickets for a family day out. I had to then change both bookings so my step-child could come.

AIBU to expect my step-child's Mum to pay, or at least offer towards the tickets? Seeing as it was her childcare that had fallen through?

OP posts:
AugustaFinkNottle · 01/04/2016 16:08

Why do you have to pay a full adult price for the tickets? And why can't your partner pay?

TheSolitaryWanderer · 01/04/2016 16:08

But why should she? Where's this child's other parent?

cjt110 · 01/04/2016 16:09

She may have asked you at least minute, but that's what "family" do. Would you rather she hadn't asked and you could go merrily about your day out with your children? It sounds like you resent the Mum, the child and the fact they are impending on your time. You should have just said no if you feel so negative towards the child.

Lemonblast · 01/04/2016 16:12

The history would probably involve the Ex being a bitch, abusive to your DP, leaving him for another man, refusing him access on a whim, spending all the maintenance money on gin, raising a brat of a child who demands attention from her father on the few times a week she does see him, a partner who fails to discipline the brat and who leaves all the childcare to you?

Am I even close? Wink

And to the poster who said that threads like this give Stepmums a bad name, thankfully there are enough decent ones of us around to dilute those with issues.

Greyponcho · 01/04/2016 16:14

OP: so, we're scheduled to have DSC on days x & y, and they're with you on days a & b, is that right? We're planning on booking activities & need to know numbers - it would be nice for DSC to join us.
Mum: actually, my childminder is on holiday that week & I can't be arsed to book leave. Can DSC stay with you on days a & b too?
OP: sure. I'll book the tickets for the activity, but they're around £x - perhaps we can split the costs?

If you don't set up better lines of communication, she'll end up taking the piss using you as free childcare whenever it suits her

ArmfulOfRoses · 01/04/2016 16:14

I don't think you've worded this very well op.

"I've booked tickets for me and my dc for an event. At the last minute I will be having dsd as her mum's childcare is unavailable but there we can't afford to buy another ticket plus lunch and travel.
Would it be terrible to ask dsd dm to help with this cost as it's so last minute " would probably have got a much better response.

I don't think it's awful to ask, I have planned things with my dc that I/we couldn't have afforded to take dss to at the last minute at certain times of the month.
That's life isn't it?
You plan your finances around things that you believe to be happening.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 01/04/2016 16:14

Summer
your SIL DD is your neice , yes?
So family even if the same blood doesn't flow through your veins.

DP is a spectator

So he's not paying for his family and maintenance for his child.

fluffy obviously, having had your StepDC for a few days you're not allowed to pre-plan anything for your DC (in the holidays , when you need to book things) just in case the Mum decides you need to mop up after her.

lateforeverything · 01/04/2016 16:14

I don't think you received abuse OP. I just think you came across a bit... cold?

For example, you didn't mention things being financially tight etc at first.

Your initial question appeared to centre on the fact that this is your sc and not your dc. Also that it was the mum's childcare that had fallen through, i.e. this was 'her problem'.

I think that that may have got people's backs up.

EatShitDerek · 01/04/2016 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crabbitface · 01/04/2016 16:18

On MN first families count only. Step children become holy grails that must be put before the family hmm

Or maybe most people just feel really, really sorry for children who seem to be constantly bickered about. You know those kids who have to deal with parents and step-parents bickering and huffing over the minutiae of their lives. Who should pay...who should be looking after them....who should be buying them stuff.

MrsMainwaring · 01/04/2016 16:20

If it's that much of a problem just say you can't look after them then
Not something I could do

cjt110 · 01/04/2016 16:20

Its sad when it does seem that some step children (I myself am/was one and was never treated equally by my father compared with his step children who lived with him but was treated the same as my step fathers son) just become like flotsom and a reason to argue.

pilates · 01/04/2016 16:20

YABU and mean

Lemonblast · 01/04/2016 16:22

Well said Crabbit.

cjt110 · 01/04/2016 16:22

If it's that much of a problem just say you can't look after them then This. Then you can go about your preplanned day. But I'm sure when your DP needs a favour off Mum, she won't be so forthcoming.

EatShitDerek · 01/04/2016 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Summerblaze100 · 01/04/2016 16:24

Pretty sure that was my point 70.

She is my niece as I am married to my DH. The child in question in the post is related to OP as she is married to her DH. I take my niece out with me and my children, treat her as my own and pay for her. Not sure what you didn't get from my first post. OP should do the same.

Lulioli · 01/04/2016 16:25

Blimey Op. Fluffy you ain t! Get ur dp to sort it out if you can t be arsed. You could ve said no in the first place if it was so inconvenient. I bet ur dsc loves spending time with you.....

TheSolitaryWanderer · 01/04/2016 16:26

Exactly Crabbit, the pawns get no say.
So where is the studmuffin that fathered her in all this?
Shouldn't he be the one talking to his ex? Negotiating, paying, letting his child know he loves them and they aren't an irrelevant inconvenience?
Why did the OP offer to have the child on Wednesday as well, if it was going to be a problem?
So many questions, so little information given.

Crabbitface · 01/04/2016 16:26

I would hope (hollow laughter) that the Mum would say "As I;m asking you a favour to cover my childcare (and the OP has had the StepDC the past few days during the day ) then I'll give you/offer you the money that I would've paid because you've got me out of a hole here

70

So are you suggesting that the father should be paid for looking after his own child.

Original poster
fluffymummykins · 01/04/2016 16:27

Honeysucklejasmine, if it comes to her gettingh er hands on my money and things that benefits her, then the child is something to do with me, otherwise they aren't. I've been a step-mum for 6 years, since my stepchild was 2

OP posts:
cjt110 · 01/04/2016 16:29

So say you cant have the child. Plans already made and you cant get extra tickets. Sorted. Or am I missing something.......

Goingtobeawesome · 01/04/2016 16:29

If your children are not your DPs then they aren't anything to do with your partners ex but if you are married then his children are your step children and I assume step siblings? Not sure where blood isn't shared how the law is.

Your do should given you the money for his child's ticket if you can't afford or or don't want to pay it.

ArmfulOfRoses · 01/04/2016 16:31

It's not the father looking after the child though?
I wouldn't ever want to be paid to look after dss but if his mum rang and asked if I could have him tomorrow and I'd budgeted for a day out with my dc I would certainly mention this as an issue.
Should I lose money and disappoint my dc if we honestly couldn't afford to take someone else, no matter who that was?

Binders1 · 01/04/2016 16:34

If you agree to take step child, you should pay. If you don't want to spend the day with the child, it's inconvenient or you can't afford it, then you should say no. If you really want reimbursement for expenses whilst looking after your step child, then get it from the child's father. When I agree to take a friend's child, nephews, nieces I pay for whatever we do.