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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying for days out with others

124 replies

fluffymummykins · 01/04/2016 15:26

My step-child has been with us the past few days during the day, even though it is their Mum's day. Their Mum asked if we could have them on Tuesday while she went to work because she had no childcare. We agreed to have my step-child, but I had already booked tickets for a family day out for me and my other children. We asked if my step-child's Mum wanted us to have them on Wednesday as well, assuming she had no childcare then either,to which she said yes. Again, we had prebooked tickets for a family day out. I had to then change both bookings so my step-child could come.

AIBU to expect my step-child's Mum to pay, or at least offer towards the tickets? Seeing as it was her childcare that had fallen through?

OP posts:
cjt110 · 01/04/2016 16:34

How old is the step child?

honeysucklejasmine · 01/04/2016 16:35

Damned either way really OP. One can only hope you have joint finances with your DP so he is indeed just paying for all his children, albeit one at the last minute. Out of interest, do you know why DM didn't sort out alternative childcare until this late in the day?

70 apologies, I was feeding baby so was too brief... I mean a spectator as in not getting involved in the communication regarding this specific problem (that we know of) rather than not involved at all.

FudgeCat91 · 01/04/2016 16:35

"Paying for days out with others"... your Step-Child is not just any "OTHER" person!! They are part of your family whether you like their mother or not and should be treated exactly the same as you would your own children.

ridingabike · 01/04/2016 16:36

If you are going out with your kids and step-kids, step-kid gets treated the same. I appreciate the last minuteness of it, but that would not occur if parents didn't bicker about whose day it is and who is seeing more of the kids. Do ADULTS really behave like this? Leads one to draw ones own conclusions about why they don't stay in their relationships. I find all these threads about divorces and custody and step-kids so depressing.

cjt110 · 01/04/2016 16:37

your Step-Child is not just any "OTHER" person!! They are part of your family whether you like their mother or not and should be treated exactly the same as you would your own children. YES!

Waltermittythesequel · 01/04/2016 16:37

On MN first families count only. Step children become holy grails that must be put before the family

This is completely true and colours every single post about stepchildren on here.

You're not allowed to treat them as your own in case you overstep the mark but if you don't love them like your own you deserve to be strung up.

TheSolitaryWanderer · 01/04/2016 16:38

Well, the child's father should be treating them as if they were his own, surely.

cjt110 · 01/04/2016 16:41

From this thread title I honestly thought it would be a parent taking their child out and a friend of child tagging along and whether they should pay... not a step child Confused

lateforeverything · 01/04/2016 16:42

Snap cjt110 Hmm

MsColouring · 01/04/2016 16:44

"Or maybe most people just feel really, really sorry for children who seem to be constantly bickered about. You know those kids who have to deal with parents and step-parents bickering and huffing over the minutiae of their lives. Who should pay...who should be looking after them....who should be buying them stuff."

So your making an assumption that because a step parent has got to the end of their tether with the situation that the child is stuck in the middle. And that the other children involved should suffer because of this. Every situation has a massive backstory and people are very quick to judge without knowing all the facts.

Lemonblast · 01/04/2016 16:52

MsColouring exactly which children have suffered? The OP has changed the booking, the treat is going ahead. ALL the children of the family are included. Who exactly is 'suffering' ?

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 01/04/2016 17:08

Shame you hadn't offered to invite stepchild along in the first place...

Well seeing as the stepchild wasn't supposed to be there on that day anyway, why would she? God forbid she books a day out with her children when her stepkid isn't there.

Sunshine87 · 01/04/2016 17:09

I'm going against the grain here. If I needed to work and had asked my Ex's DW if she could have DS not his DF who was at work I personally would of offered to pay towards the activity I would do the same if I asked one of my friends to help with childcare. End of the day she would've doing me a favour. It would've different if I asked my Ex. Having said that I have asked ex to buy a outfit for world book day as I been immobile and offered the money which he declined.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 01/04/2016 17:11

Wait, was the day out without the OP's DH there? So just the OP and her children?

MsColouring · 01/04/2016 17:13

Lemonblast - it was a generalisation. There is a general feeling on mn that the dsc should always come first and you should never plan anything with the other children that doesn't involve the dsc.

PPie10 · 01/04/2016 17:13

Op why are you ignoring all questions about your dp's role In this?

Sunshine87 · 01/04/2016 17:13

That's the issue if DP was accompanying the trip then op is being U

If DP was at work and OP arranged a trip out with her kids she is not being U.

Lemonblast · 01/04/2016 17:16

The trouble with generalisations MsColouring is that they validate unreasonable behaviour.

FudgeCat91 · 01/04/2016 17:20

cjt110 ditto. I would rather the child spend the day in childcare than with someone that is so obviously put out by their presence.

Finallyonboard · 01/04/2016 17:22

Your DP should pay for HIS DC.

RavioliOnToast · 01/04/2016 17:23

Yabu , you have a duty to that child as well as your own. Sorry but I'm assuming your DP had this child before you got together so I think you should suck it up and stop the divide.

RavioliOnToast · 01/04/2016 17:26

It reads awful too, OP.

'My step-child' I think you sound rather cold and resentful towards the poor boy/girl.

Crabbitface · 01/04/2016 17:38

Do you know what - I genuinely reckon it must be really hard to be a step mum. And I reckon it must be really hard to be the mum of a child with a step mum. But more than both of those things, I reckon it must be really hard to be a child who lives in two different houses, who isn't quite sure which parent is going to be 'looking after' them on particular days, and who has to leave their half-siblings in a home where they get to live with both of their parents.

When things get REALLY REALLY hard and you are frustrated with your partners ex and with the shit that comes along with being a step parent, please just bear in mind that it really is shitter for the child. You have some level of control over your life - they have none.

angielou123 · 01/04/2016 17:49

I think if you were worried about who was paying for the child, you should have mentioned it when you agreed to have the child.

Binders1 · 01/04/2016 17:55

Crabbitface completely agree.