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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be, and stay, annoyed with DH until he realises and apologises?

37 replies

PennyHasNoSurname · 31/03/2016 06:23

Dh off for the school holidays, Im still working. My job means sometimes I finish and get home at midnight, then have to leave at 7am. On these nights I am lucky if I manage 5 hours sleep.

Ds wakes screaming at 6am, my alarm is set for 6.30. I ask dh if he can get ds up to give me that last 30 mins to snooze. Apprently this is not fair and I should be the one to get up. He huffs and puffs, I end up getting up with DS.

Had I been in bed at a reasonable hour last night Id have done it without question, but these "turnaround" shifts are brutal enough in themselves without then having to do the early wake with the baby - especially as dh is on annual leave.

In cross. Aibu? At the moment I dont even want to look at dh.

OP posts:
Original poster
PennyHasNoSurname · 31/03/2016 06:27

Oh and the reason ds was screaming is I found a caked on poop that he has clearly been lying in most of the night so a high chance dh didnt check his bum last night!

OP posts:
ChubbyPolecat · 31/03/2016 06:30

There's no chance you're being at all unreasonable what a selfish prick

marriednotdead · 31/03/2016 06:32

YANBU to expect him to get up in those circumstances. And to expect an apology.

But waiting for him to realise- presumably by the ice from your cold shoulder- seems a bit passive aggressive.
The huffing and puffing achieved what he wanted didn't it though, so if he's daft enough for there to be a next time, make sure you put ear plugs in so you're not disturbed.

Just spell out what you've said here and tell the selfish git to man up. Sleep deprivation is used as a torture method for good reason.

Original poster
PennyHasNoSurname · 31/03/2016 06:33

Haha chubby thats what I muttered uder my breath as I left the room. I will talk to him when I take ds in when I leave.

OP posts:
leelu66 · 31/03/2016 06:34

YANBU. Utterly selfish of your DH to deny you some extra much needed sleep/rest.

How old is your DS? It sounds like your DS sleeps through the night so your DH can't complain about interrupted sleep.

Is DH selfish in other ways? What happens when he is at work too?

Jkycc · 31/03/2016 06:34

HIBU.

But also, your employers might be too - isn't there supposed to be an 11 hour rest period in between shifts?

Original poster
PennyHasNoSurname · 31/03/2016 06:35

We have had the odd issue in the past over sleep - we take turns for lie ins and the one who gets the lie in deals with the night wakings. Once ds woke at 5am upset and dh couldnt resettle him and expected me to get up there and then with him and start the day - he disagreed that this still classed as a night waking. I point blank refused to get up and he ended up getting up with him and swapping with me at 6.30 (a much more appropriate hour!)

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Original poster
PennyHasNoSurname · 31/03/2016 06:36

Sadly not Jk - I work in hospitality and it is listed as one of the exemptions.

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Original poster
PennyHasNoSurname · 31/03/2016 06:37

Ds is 18mo and reliably sleeps through the night. He goes to bed exceptionally easily (though Id imagine he didnt last night if the nappy is anything to go by but I dont know as I wasnt here) at 6.30/7pm. We have an older child too who also is in bed for 7 and sleeps through.

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curren · 31/03/2016 06:37

Tbh what happens in the middle of the night, is let go pretty easy in our house. Especially when the kids are small.

Yes he should apologise especially since you are working with little sleep.

But then in our house we do, do 50% of night wakings each. But sometimes when either of us is half asleep we don't always act as we should.

Which ever one didn't get up would say sorry, but the other one wouldn't be giving the cold shoulder until it happened.

If you think he won't think to apologise or it's really pissed you off. Talk to him.

TheDowagerCuntess · 31/03/2016 06:38

Apprently this is not fair and I should be the one to get up.

Why? Confused

Tootsiepops · 31/03/2016 06:38

Your DH is being so unreasonable that my mouth dropped open whilst reading your OP - in particular the bit about him being on annual leave.

Original poster
PennyHasNoSurname · 31/03/2016 06:38

When he is at work and I am we both get up either ds waking/alarm off whichever is first.

When he is at work and I am off or on a late shift he gets up, then wakes me before he leaves (usually 30 mins between ds waking and him leaving for work).

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Original poster
PennyHasNoSurname · 31/03/2016 06:40

Dowager because I was getting up anyways (in half an hour)

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TheDowagerCuntess · 31/03/2016 06:45

Right, so it's not fair. To you.

PassMeASpanner · 31/03/2016 06:58

Firstly, your dh has been a prize prick, he should have got up. Toddlers don't care whether you are on annual leave or not and you just have to suck up the lack of lie-ins.

TBH the only flicker of sympathy I have is that I'm often on leave when dh is not (teacher - although inevitably I am always looking after DC) and it does piss me off that I NEVER get to sleep in when I'm not going to work because dh's alarm still goes off at 6.15am and then he gallumphs around for 45 mins before going. Obviously though I get masses of holidays compared to dh so I never voice this, ever. When he's on annual leave I try to make sure he gets to sleep in every day (DC are older and not at the waking and crying stage, so it's not too hard) because I know leave is in short supply and precious time (by the way that's not a dig at you OP, completely different situation as your DS is very young).

I would speak to your dh rather than give him the cold shoulder which is very passive aggressive and gets you nowhere, if he didn't realise at the time, he won't realise later - better just get it out in the open. I'm hoping this is just gross thoughtlessness on an occasion and not how he normally behaves Sad.

Notimefortossers · 31/03/2016 07:00

I'm gonna go against the grain here and say I kinda see his point. You were getting up anyway. What benefit was that half hour really going to give you?

I often think this of my DH. He works full time and I work part time, but do all school runs, childcare, housework etc. In the school holidays, if the baby wakes early and I have no other reason to get up I get cross if I have to when he is getting up soon anyway and could easily take ten minutes to change the baby's bum and give him a bottle before plonking him in front of the TV and therefore allowing me a lie in which I never normally get

HoggleHoggle · 31/03/2016 07:03

Given he would damn well know you'd worked late and had little sleep, he is outrageously rude to not get up.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 31/03/2016 07:06

What happened when you left? Did DH get up to look after him?

I could see his point - vaguely - if he could have stayed in bed for a few hours and you were due to get up soon. But if he got up when you left anyway, you both only had half an hour left, and you got less sleep anyway = he should have got up.

He should have got up regardless really, he's being a prick.

Original poster
PennyHasNoSurname · 31/03/2016 07:15

I had to go and get him 25 mins after I got up.

Notime general day to day Id agree with you,and as I said above had I not been on a late last night id have got up and got ds up straight away to give dh the last half hour. However it was the fact that I was working a late and on little enough sleep as it is that makes it feel unfair.

I woke him five mins before I left and was cordial enough to him before I went, but I will message him this morning to let him know what I am thinking and see what he says.

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Original poster
PennyHasNoSurname · 31/03/2016 07:16

Im now getting myself all cross and festery as Im thinking he is on annual leave so really he needs to pull more weight round the house too, and whilst he does do housework now he is off he should shoulder more of it as he has masses of time every day. Ds naps 2.5/3 hour chunk in the day - I always get loads done in this time when im off (or before I start a Late).

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DoreenLethal · 31/03/2016 07:23

Yes of course he should be doing the housework when he is on leave and you are working. Just as you do when you are on leave and he is working.

Jengnr · 31/03/2016 07:42

If he does the get up when he's getting up anyway usually I don't think he is being unreasonable to expect you to do the same. Maybe a discussion about what to do when you're on a late would be a better way to tackle it for next time.

I get why you're pissed off and I probably would be too but he's not a mind reader.

whifflesqueak · 31/03/2016 07:42

I also work in hospitality and I truly believe some nights I would be better off making myself a little nest out of the table linen and sleeping in the cellar. those shifts are brutal and I'm too old and have reproduced too much to cope with it!

as a rule, dp and I try not to hold events that occur in the small hours against each other. we always try to be kind but abrupt waking can do weird things to a person.

however. 6am is a perfectly civilised hour for the parent of a toddler to rise, and presumably he had the opportunity to go to sleep at a sensible hour last night... I'd definitely be sulking if I were you.

Original poster
PennyHasNoSurname · 31/03/2016 08:23

Ive messaged him. He has apologised for not getting up, but in a way which means "I still think im right" Sad and has kindly reminded me of every weekday he gets up with the baby before he goes to work (usually 30 mins). Failing to get that I then get up, deal with the kids and do the housework before leaving at 2pm and working til 11/11.30 at night. He is usually in bed for around 10, as I said above kids in bed 6.30/7 at the latest and he does do any chores after they go down - its pure uninterrupted time to relax.

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