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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go to this girls house..

123 replies

Worriedgirl888 · 29/03/2016 08:28

(Please please no really nasty comments I feel awful about this). And tell her or her mum that her boyfriend is cheating on her with me? It would most likely be her mum as she always round his house if she isn't at work. Before I get hugely judged he was with me first for 3 years and had an affair behind my back with her, I forgave him but he eventually left me for her. But I am still hugely pathetically in love with him, and have continued to see him for the last six months most weeks. I did text her and tell her but she blocked my number and he admitted he had told her I was lying. It is killing me inside I want to stop seeing him but I can't as I love him too much. And tbh no I can't bear to see them happy when they both cheated behind my back. So I want her to know the truth once and for all, and prove it by showing her the texts etc. Is this really a hugely crazy thing to do? I know everyone will say just stop seeing him but honestly I have tried, this seems the only way to end it forever as even if she forgives him (which I think she will probably) he will never dare see me again. I'm 31 btw not a teenager and I know this sounds pathetic and awful. I do also feel sorry for her as I think she is as naive and silly about him as me...

OP posts:

Binders1 · 29/03/2016 11:57

spudlet "Find a channel showing Jeremy Kyle. Watch, in all its toothless glory. Repeat to yourself 'I am not one of those people, I am not one of those people'.

I love this. Worried imagine yourself sat on one of those chairs on the stage and then your ex comes out and then she comes out with her friend and you bring on your friend.

"but still genuinely has no one ever told someone their partner is cheating" - It's pretty irrelevant in this case because she is also a cheater!

Redglitter · 29/03/2016 12:02

You said in your opening post you'd texted her to tell her and she'd then blocked your number. You've told her. She's chosen to ignore you and believe him. That's her choice. Have a bit of self respect and leave it.

Birthgeek · 29/03/2016 12:02

You need to move on. Your past relationship has gone. Don't mistake your offering it up to him on a plate as evidence that he still loves you. He doesn't want you really and you're just prolonging the agony.

Please forge a happy life for yourself. Nobody should have to be in your position. Would also recommend that you seek counselling.

WeAllHaveWings · 29/03/2016 12:04

If you split them up you'll just be waiting for his next OW to come along.

Sort yourself out, you only get one go at life, don't waste yours (and your daughters) on this head fuck.

AugustaFinkNottle · 29/03/2016 12:04

Im not going to go and I accept its probably a bad idea but still genuinely has no one ever told someone their partner is cheating on them I dont think it makes me a total loon to consider it surely. I know I sound stupid and pathetic and shouldnt do it. it seemed a last resort.

It isn't a last resort, it isn't a resort at all and yes, you would be a total loon to consider it. The mother is not going to listen to you and is not going to tell her daughter that you've proved her partner is cheating on her, so you would achieve absolutely nothing other than making yourself look a pretty pathetic idiot.

Is there any way you can move away? I suspect that your best hope of escaping is to be at least 100 miles away from this waste of space and his girlfriend.

Original poster

Worriedgirl888 · 29/03/2016 12:08

Im not going to do it, I genuinely didnt realise it was not something that anyone else would ever do ever so i feel obviously stupid and crazy, but I will take the advice on board.

OP posts:

OliviaStabler · 29/03/2016 12:09

I don't think this is purely about him, I think you can't stand the fact that he is treating you as sloppy seconds and she now 'has' him and you do not.

You know you should cut all contact and concentrate on living your own life with your child. Whether you will do that is up to you. You can get out of this if you want to. Do you actually want to?

Binders1 · 29/03/2016 12:20

Worried You are all cheaters, all three of you, so that's why there is no point in letting her know and as you've already mentioned, you have told her once already.

You are obviously upset, angry and hurt but you will move on from this. Make today the first day you do. Be kind to yourself

Original poster

Worriedgirl888 · 29/03/2016 12:21

of course its horrible and awful to think she cheated with him and now has him and they are happy etc, It may be spiteful to say but no of course I dont like that, but I do also realise shes probably just as stupid as me about it and believes everything he says, I suppose at least I would be showing her conclusive proof. I do want to stop seeing him, I know its my choice, I definitely do think ive been pathetic I know that.

OP posts:

TempusEedjit · 29/03/2016 12:21

It's not so much that it's something no one else would ever do, I'm sure some people would, but the fact is you've already told her and she doesn't want to know so telling her again will be futile and make you look crazy.

You say you think it'll scare him into not contacting you anymore, so why not threaten him that you'll tell all (with proof) if he doesn't leave you alone? Not that I think it will work but if it helps you go no contact with him then why not?

Original poster

Worriedgirl888 · 29/03/2016 12:27

Tempus, I have threatened it before, and obviously told her before (this was 4 months ago) and he hasnt stayed away, but I suppose my clearly mad logic is I will tel her, she will have to believe it as there is proof, and though she probably will stay with him, he will be forced to be completely faithful or lose her which I know he doesnt want to do. I know this sounds mad, I feel it has driven me mad, and I will not do it, but Im just trying to explain my reasoning.

OP posts:

Crabbitface · 29/03/2016 12:30

of course its horrible and awful to think she cheated with him and now has him and they are happy etc,

they are not really happy though are they cos he's shagging someone else. The only person who is potentially happy is him- because he's having his cake and eating it.

dizzytomato · 29/03/2016 12:31

You don't love him, you don't love yourself and your self esteem is rock bottom. The times when he is with you he makes you feel like you are special. You are mixing that need for affection with feelings of love. This is not love!

He will keep your self esteem low because toxic people like him need people to be weak so they can do what they do. For as long as you have a low self esteem and believe that he is your one true love you will continue to suffer.

Please wake up and see this with new eyes.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 29/03/2016 12:41

You are focussing your energy on the wrong thing. As I said in my previous post, forget about her. And forget about him too. Start thinking about yourself.

You need to get objective and take your emotions out of this to make an action plan for moving forward.

I said before to imagine a friend in your situation and what you'd say to them. Well now I know you have a daughter.

So what would you say to her?

Write down exactly what you'd advise your daughter to do if she found herself in your shoes.

Now look at that list again, apply it to yourself and take action. TODAY.

(BTW You keep mentioning how happy you were with him for three years and that's great. And it helps explain why you're clinging on. But you must understand it will never be like that again. Not even if he begged forgiveness and remained faithful forever more. I mean you might be able to forgive and forget in some scenarios but not this one - and not when he's 48!)

notquitegrownup2 · 29/03/2016 12:43

Worried, I had a close friend in your situation. I have never seen anyone so much in love as she was with her man. And he was very attractive, and they got on incredibly well - he was just incapable of being faithful. And yes, he was a lying b*stard, but also very persuasive and likeable - otherwise she would never have fallen for him.

She was an intelligent person who tried to make the break many times, but kept on hoping that he would come back to her - and she wasted years of her life, hanging on for him. In the end, she moved away and made a complete break. It was tough even then, but with distance between them she managed to start her life afresh, get back some control, get therapy and, eventually, build a new relationship.

You are 31. That's a good age to be realising that this can't go on. You were with him in your twenties - you have given him time, and the chance to come back to you. Now it's time to let go. You need, as others have said, to build up your self esteem - to know that you are an intelligent, strong, clever, talented woman in your own right and you deserve so much more than a share in a man who used to love you. You only have one life, Lovely. Time to make plans to get out there and start living it.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 29/03/2016 12:46

"Tempus, I have threatened it before, and obviously told her before (this was 4 months ago) and he hasnt stayed away, but I suppose my clearly mad logic is I will tel her, she will have to believe it as there is proof, and though she probably will stay with him, he will be forced to be completely faithful or lose her which I know he doesnt want to do. I know this sounds mad, I feel it has driven me mad, and I will not do it, but Im just trying to explain my reasoning."

The problem with this is that you are handing control and responsibility to him rather than making your own choices. You are trying to engineer a situation where he stays away from you rather than you chosing to stay away from him.

You have to take control of this situation and put a stop to this for your own self esteem and well being. Don't rely on him staying away from you (why would he, he is on to a good thing); you need to build your life without him in it.

ijustwannadance · 29/03/2016 12:46

He won't stay faithful though, he will just find another fool to fuck.

Tell him to fuck off. Seriously, it might hurt but it feels amazing too. Take all power away from him. Make it your decision, not theirs.
You are 31 years old. What do you want? A loving relationship? More DC's? Whatever it is don't waste any more of your life on this man or you will wake up in 10 years lonely and bitter wondering what the fuck happened.

Buzzardbird · 29/03/2016 13:02

Worried, I am sorry you are going through this pain. Have you researched The Freedom Programme at all?

I have to add, for your own sanity, that the text message won't be accepted as 'proof' as they can be faked. Even if she caught you in bed together it sounds like he could talk her into believing that he 'fell on you'.

The only way you are going to win in this situation is to move on with your life.

notamummy10 · 29/03/2016 13:03

I thought you were like 18...

Leave it, she will find this out herself especially if she has blocked your number! Also why bring her mum into it? If I'm honest, you are all as bad as each other.

PeppermintPasty · 29/03/2016 13:07

Actually, you have my sympathy. Been there, done it, got out of it. But not without awful, prolonged pain.

Google 'limerence' OP, you sound like you are in the grip of this.

You are not rational at all. I often say on here that I wish I had been on MN when I was going through something similar. The desperate, desperate longing for this man. It is truly awful. Makes you sick, you can't eat, you can't function.

Please keep on listening to posters on here. They are detached, clear headed. This sort of thing is what you need. Plus, you have a child! Focus on her, focus on practical stuff. And yes, please please consider counselling.

You will come out of the fog and realise, as AF used to say (and no doubt still does), that he doesn't have 'a golden cock'.

Take care of yourself.

Original poster

Worriedgirl888 · 29/03/2016 13:55

Thank you for all your replies. I never considered it was so bad I needed profesional help, I dont really think I can afford it and cant imagine bothering a doctor with it but will look into it, cant feel much worse about it as it is.

OP posts:

LordoftheTits · 29/03/2016 14:00

Please, please have enough self respect to leave him for good. He cheated on you, left you for someone else and then cheats on her with you. He has shown you exactly who he is and he will never change.

You're hurting now but you're worth more than anything this waster can offer so just remove yourself from the situation, lick your wounds in peace and move on with your life.

dizzytomato · 29/03/2016 14:09

Something struck me.

This

had an affair behind my back with her, I forgave him but he eventually left me for her

He isn't with her because she is better than you, or he loves her more than you. He is with her because after you forgave him he realised that the best way to have you both is to string you along, he can have you anyway.

If you'd have forgiven him after he left it would be different, but this shows once you forgave him he realised he could get you back. Unless he stays with her he probably cannot gaurentee he could still have her, so by continuing it this way he can have you both. Sounds as if he is pretty cock sure that he can talk her out of believing you to keep his little threesome going. He's got it made. Stop giving him anymore of yourself, it is and will always be all about him.

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