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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go to this girls house..

123 replies

Worriedgirl888 · 29/03/2016 08:28

(Please please no really nasty comments I feel awful about this). And tell her or her mum that her boyfriend is cheating on her with me? It would most likely be her mum as she always round his house if she isn't at work. Before I get hugely judged he was with me first for 3 years and had an affair behind my back with her, I forgave him but he eventually left me for her. But I am still hugely pathetically in love with him, and have continued to see him for the last six months most weeks. I did text her and tell her but she blocked my number and he admitted he had told her I was lying. It is killing me inside I want to stop seeing him but I can't as I love him too much. And tbh no I can't bear to see them happy when they both cheated behind my back. So I want her to know the truth once and for all, and prove it by showing her the texts etc. Is this really a hugely crazy thing to do? I know everyone will say just stop seeing him but honestly I have tried, this seems the only way to end it forever as even if she forgives him (which I think she will probably) he will never dare see me again. I'm 31 btw not a teenager and I know this sounds pathetic and awful. I do also feel sorry for her as I think she is as naive and silly about him as me...

OP posts:

Crabbitface · 29/03/2016 09:49

YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER!

All of this love and energy and head space should be directed at her and not this man. If you carry on as you are, you will be consumed. It sounds like you are already mentally ill - you talk about your feelings being out of control. Once this happens it can be so easy to spiral out of control. Do you want to be a full and present mum to your girl?

Our kids also tend to copy our relationship behaviours. Is this the kind of relationship you want for her?

If you can't see enough worth in yourself to end this relationship, please, please see enough worth in her.

Pinkheart5915 · 29/03/2016 09:49

This does sound very childish to read, 31 really?

They may have cheated behind your back but then you became the ow.
You told her she didn't believe you so move on, at 31 in the nicest way get a grip and some respect for yourself

IdealWeather · 29/03/2016 09:51

worried what would you like the future to be?

I can feel the hurt in your posts and the fact you are somehow lost. I also get the feeling you would loive to see things going back to what they were, before he cheated.

Now, have a look at the possibilities.

You can go and see her, somehow managed to see this man coming back to you. Do you want that? Do you want to be with a amn who has cheated on you, is treating you like crap, has no issue with lying when it suits him etc... Do you think you will be happy with him?
You can stay like you are. Not saying anything or telling her something that she won't believe and things will stay put. Will you be happy to be a second thought for him?
Or you can move on and prove to him an to you that you are worth much much more than him. Yes you did love him. You love a man who wasnt cheating and was nice to be around. Do you think he is still that man?

Serioulsy, I suspect that the hurt you will feel with moving on from him will be less than any hurt you are getting now by staying (Being there, done that btw).

Start small. Go out, see friends, do thngs you enjoy. You will see, slowly but surely he will be less and less in your mind.

MummaV · 29/03/2016 09:54

I was in your situation when I was 19. He was older. We'd been together for 3 years and been happy. He cheated and I ended it. He started seeing the other woman (and others on top of that). He told me it was over and came crawling back over the course of a year, it soon became clear it wasn't over between them.
I found the details of everyone he'd been seeing and made them all fully aware of the situation with photos and proof.

Original poster

Worriedgirl888 · 29/03/2016 09:55

Guys I dont really want my parenting ability criticised my daughter is very loved and happy I do feel guilty/horrible about allowing him in her life yes but like I say he was a very normal nice person before (I thought), I have only been seeing him when she is at her dads recently.

OP posts:

MummaV · 29/03/2016 09:57

Pressed post to soon, sorry.

They all went into denial and as far as I'm aware, nearly 7 years on , he is still cheating his way around a small group of women, one of which is pregnant with his child.

He is a grown man of 34 now, he was 24 when I started dating him. He will never change. Neither will yours.

The satisfaction of telling them at 19 was worth it because they were clueless and all but one walked away. However, the other woman in your situation clearly knows and doesn't care so telling her won't help. You need to get some self respect and walk away.

Binders1 · 29/03/2016 09:57

He isn't going to come back to you but you don't have to give him up, you can continue being the OW - his bit on the side, the one he doesn't want to be with, if that's how you want to waste your life.

Or you can want more for yourself and just say ok, enough is enough and take up the advice that many pp have given. Get busy with interests and friends.

There is no point in 'telling the truth' to his current squeeze. She had an affair with him and he is now with her. You were with him and he is now having an affair with you - no-one is a winner. She knows what he is like as do you. If she wants to waste her life on him that's her choice but don't let it be yours.

Original poster

Worriedgirl888 · 29/03/2016 09:57

idealweather...yes you are right, I was so so happy with him and still cant believe this has happened, or as a second choice I wish I never saw him again and I could move on. Unfortunately he lives 2 minutes away and we have many mutual friends, so its not been easy to cut ties, not that ive tried very hard.

OP posts:

Jujuheyhey · 29/03/2016 09:58

Please please please start to accept that you are better off without him. I know it feels like he is everything to you at the moment but once you are out of that situation you will realise that you are obsessing over someone who is a shitbag and doesn't deserve either of you. Start by reading Mr Unavailable by Natalie Lue or her Baggage Reclaim website. Go no contact. Do not go round there, nothing good will come of it. You're in a horrible no-win situation and the sooner you come to terms with that the better you will feel. Trust me, from someone who was the OW and convinced herself of otherwise for years

SlinkyVagabond · 29/03/2016 09:58

Woman. She's a woman. You're a woman. Your daughter is a girl.
He's a prick.

Original poster

Worriedgirl888 · 29/03/2016 09:59

I am aware I probably sound really young too, hes 48 so a fair bit older than me, and Ive only had one previous serious relationship i admit, I am a complete fool.

OP posts:

Arfarfanarf · 29/03/2016 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

molyholy · 29/03/2016 10:03

Let's look at it this way:

He has zero respect for you
He doesn't love you - I would go so far as to say, he doesn't even like you because if he did, he would not treat you like this.
You are basically a FUCK for him. He doesn't make love to you, he uses you for a fuck
He cares not one jot about your feelings. You love him - so fucking what. Great for him, he can use an abuse you as he wishes.
He thinks you are a MUG.

Why the fuck are you lowering yourself to this. You're basically a wank rag. I am so so sorry to put it so harshly, but you need to get away from this twat. You deserve so much better.

molyholy · 29/03/2016 10:04

OMG - he's nearly 50 - ffs woman. Get a fucking grip.

IdealWeather · 29/03/2016 10:05

I think it's harder when you've had just a few relationship because the one you have suddenly get this aura someone else wouldn't see. It looks ever so special, so important that you really can't possibly loose it.

Which actually isn't the case...

Small town, same friends, living close to each other doesn't help. But you can choose NOT to be his toy and to be a better person.
Don't go to things that you know he will be at. Block his number, delete him from FB etc etc.
And most importantly, try and make new friends, do new things where he will NOT be involved. You deserve a new life just for yourself.

liinyo · 29/03/2016 10:10

He is a user and a liar. Being with him is ruining your life. It is sucking all the joy and happiness from you. Walk away.

You have a daughter - in 20 years time she could be in a similar position. What would you want her to do? I don't think you would want her to demean herself in the hope a two-timing loser could use her/screw her/cheat on her for a few more months. And if she is worth more than that , so are you.

Best of luck

Original poster

Worriedgirl888 · 29/03/2016 10:10

Thanks for further replies.
I have tried ten milion times to be horrible to him, ignore him, block him, everything, and like a smoker not being able to give up smoking Ive always gone back. Ive been on dates with other guys but simply cannot connect with them. I am aware he sounds a total vile person, and he is being now, but when we were together it was really great and normal and Im obviously just clinging onto that....just looking for what seemed an easy way out where I wouldnt have to rely on my willpower anymore.

OP posts:

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 29/03/2016 10:13

You cannot connect with other dates because you are completely in thrall to this knobhead. You will not connect with anyone else until you have sorted out having nothing to do with him, sorted out your self esteem with a therapist/counsellor and focused on just being content with you and your daughter.

Then, and only then, should you even contemplate dating other people. So, realistically, you probably shouldn't be even thinking about dating for at least 18 months.

Original poster

Worriedgirl888 · 29/03/2016 10:17

StillDrSeth, I can see that now I just hoped it would at least take my mind off running back to him, as I have tried many things short of moving away.

OP posts:

ILikeUranus · 29/03/2016 10:21

If you knock on their door, they will not give you the time and attention to look at the texts you want them to see. It will turn into a big argument and they will think you're crazy and a liar. If you have proof of when you were with him that you can post through the door or email them, you could, but tbh you've already done that - sending them proof, haven't you? And it didn't help, they just chose not to believe you.

This guy is cheating on both of you. He isn't even bothering to pretend to you that he's faithful. He shags who he likes and then lies about it. It won't be just her either. If you do eventually 'win' him, it'll be whoever else he feels like shagging, whenever he has the opportunity. You need to have some therapy or something and just cut this loser out of your life completely. Also get a sexual health check ASAP, it's important.

PovertyPain · 29/03/2016 10:22

So are you going to go to the house of EVERY woman that he shags? You know she's not going to be the last and probably isn't the first, either.

centigrade451 · 29/03/2016 10:22

This is not love. There is no love here.

Obsession maybe, infatuation maybe, insecurity definitely. You are nothing more than a booty call to this guy. He doesn't love you.

Your 'need' of him is clearly not love. It is nothing but insecure melodrama on your part. Get a grip you are 31 - grow up.

Original poster

Worriedgirl888 · 29/03/2016 10:25

Ilikeuranus - no ive not sent her "proof" I told her in a text but He is a very clever guy and no doubt he convinced her I am crazy. It seems even crazier to be printing out text messages etc and posting them through the door. I really dont want a scene believe me I know it probably would end that way....

OP posts:

Spudlet · 29/03/2016 10:25

Put the tv on.

Find a channel showing Jeremy Kyle.

Watch, in all its toothless glory.

Repeat to yourself 'I am not one of those people, I am not one of those people'.

If you go over to this woman's home, that's exactly what you will be!

bungmean · 29/03/2016 10:27

It will NEVER be the way it was. Trust me.
This man does not love you. You are a place to put his penis, nothing more.

You need to find a way to go cold turkey - rethink your free time, engage yourself fully in activities that don't allow thoughts of him. Spend more time with your daughter, go on a holiday, do some self-CBT, anything!

But please, work very very hard at putting this man behind you. You will NEVER live happily ever after with this man, and carrying on will harm both you and your daughter, no matter how hard you try to shield her from the situation.

The girlfriend, like him, is not your problem. Disengage completely and absolutely with all of them. Do not pass their house, do not answer the phone to them. Change your mobile number. Block them on facebook, and then get someone you trust to change your facebook password so that you cannot go on there for a month or two. Remove any photos you have of this man, or any of his possessions, and throw them into the dustbin on the morning that the bin men come round so you can't change your mind.

You need to be firm, and drastic with yourself. For your sake and the sake of your daughter. You will not be a good role model for her by allowing somebody to treat you like this.

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