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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to this girls house..

123 replies

Worriedgirl888 · 29/03/2016 08:28

(Please please no really nasty comments I feel awful about this). And tell her or her mum that her boyfriend is cheating on her with me? It would most likely be her mum as she always round his house if she isn't at work. Before I get hugely judged he was with me first for 3 years and had an affair behind my back with her, I forgave him but he eventually left me for her. But I am still hugely pathetically in love with him, and have continued to see him for the last six months most weeks. I did text her and tell her but she blocked my number and he admitted he had told her I was lying. It is killing me inside I want to stop seeing him but I can't as I love him too much. And tbh no I can't bear to see them happy when they both cheated behind my back. So I want her to know the truth once and for all, and prove it by showing her the texts etc. Is this really a hugely crazy thing to do? I know everyone will say just stop seeing him but honestly I have tried, this seems the only way to end it forever as even if she forgives him (which I think she will probably) he will never dare see me again. I'm 31 btw not a teenager and I know this sounds pathetic and awful. I do also feel sorry for her as I think she is as naive and silly about him as me...

OP posts:
PovertyPain · 29/03/2016 10:29

Your poor, poor daughter. What an example you're setting her and don't kid yourself she has no idea that something is going on. There OP, you might as well play this to her.

Silvercatowner · 29/03/2016 10:30

I wonder whether some relationship counselling might help you to explore why you are set on such a self destructive course.

StableYard · 29/03/2016 11:01

My God. Get some self respect.

yorkshapudding · 29/03/2016 11:03

I think I just want an end to it but I can't let him go myself, I need to make it so I can't see him..

I know it's difficult, but what you need is to exercise a bit of self control. If you want to end it, then end it, like a grown up. And I don't buy all this "addiction" nonsense. I've worked with people with genuine addictions, this is more a case of refusal to accept responsibility for the situation you have gotten yourself into.

Who saw him first is not relevent here, you are now the other woman and that is a choice you have made. It's not something that happened to you, it's something you've done.

It seems pretty obvious that your plan to go round there is based on a hope that she'll dump him and you can have him all to yourself. The thing is, you'll never have him all to himself, if its not her it will be someone else. She's not the enemy here, this pathetic wankstain of a man who has you both making complete fools of yourselves is the problem.

ghostyslovesheep · 29/03/2016 11:12

you sound unhealthily obsessed with him - not in love with him

he's certainly NOT in love with you and NOT coming back to you - he's treating you both like shit and you are allowing it

I'd recommend some good counselling - relate offer 1-1 support with unhealthy relationships - you need to see past this 'I love him' bullshit and find out why you have such shit self esteem that you let this man use you for sex and think it's love

Original poster
Worriedgirl888 · 29/03/2016 11:20

We did have a relationship of over three years of totally normal things, great lovelife, holidays, everything being absolutely great (for me) so my love is based upon what to me was a normal but very intense relationship. I will think about counselling though thank you, just quite ashamed at the minute as obviously it is very childish and I dont want to feel this way.

OP posts:
TheCrumpettyTree · 29/03/2016 11:20

Stop doing the pick me dance. Why would you want him anyway? Why do you want to be with someone who cheats? Do you think this is the best you can do?

You could choose not to see him, break all contact, delete his number and don't answer the door. He is not in love with you. He doesn't want to be with you.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 29/03/2016 11:21

What is there to love about this man? He clearly loves no-one but himself and has no respect for you or his girlfriend. None.

Crabbitface · 29/03/2016 11:24

Worried You may not want your parenting ability criticised but tough. You say you only see him now when your daughter is at her Dad's and that's completely the way it should be BUT you are by your own admission a mess. If you think that your daughter hasn't/ isn't picking up on this you are wrong. These are some of the things you have said about yourself -

It is killing me inside

I'm not totally sure I just don't want to go on like this, it's destroying me.

I'm not thinking straight in my desperation

I thought a normal person until I met him

Do you honestly think that someone feeling this unhappy and our of control can be as positive an influence as someone who is happy, and feeling strong and in control?

Please don't delude yourself that this is not affecting other aspects of your life.

yorkshapudding · 29/03/2016 11:24

We did have a relationship of over three years of totally normal things, great lovelife, holidays, everything being absolutely great (for me) so my love is based upon what to me was a normal but very intense relationship

It wasn't "great" though, was it? He cheated on you and even after you forgave him, he chose to leave to be with someone else. That's not a "normal" relationship. A relationship is about more than great sex and holidays...if you don't have trust, honesty, fidelity, then it means nothing.

Chinks123 · 29/03/2016 11:26

Before you revealed your age I genuinely thought you were a teenager..if you wanted to tell her for selfless reasons I would kind of get it, and I also get you owe her no kindness as she cheated with your bf..but seriously, leave her to the cheating rat and move on with your life safe in the knowledge she will find out one day what she's like. Karma is much better than your plan, he will worm his way out of it and make you the crazy ex. Cut all ties and really try and move on!!

Chinks123 · 29/03/2016 11:34

*what he's like

FreeSpirit89 · 29/03/2016 11:40

Oh dear!

This sounds terribly adolescent. What do you think will happen?

You'll go round, she'll call you crazy, he'll tell her your lying, she may call the police. You'll get branded as a crazy ex. You probably all ready are tbh.

Is he really worth all that, is it studded with diamonds or something.

Grow up. Move on gracefully.

Original poster
Worriedgirl888 · 29/03/2016 11:42

I really didnt consider about the police calling aspect I was only going to knock on the door not shout or scream and I would go if she wouldnt speak to me or look at the messages I really didnt consider this was stalking in any way or anything but no of course I dont want to look crazy.

OP posts:
Redglitter · 29/03/2016 11:44

You've already told her the situation. She's chosen to believe him. If you go round to hers you're losing even more credibility and looking ridiculous. Leave them alone and stop seeing him.

Badoodle · 29/03/2016 11:45

You desperately need to sort yourself out. This is awful, obsessive behaviour and the only person you're going to hurt is yourself. He'll make you out to be a nutter, the 'girl' and her mum will other be frightened and call the police, or aggressive and you'll take a few slaps.

Dont blow this up into some awful, embarrassing scene. Block him and take a few days to calm yourself down and get perspective.

He sounds like a horrible man who is wasting your time.

Have you got any good friends in RL you can go and see and have a good cry and talk to about how you're feeling?

FarrowandBallAche · 29/03/2016 11:48

Dump him fgs.
He's a cheating scumbag. Why would you settle for that?

Original poster
Worriedgirl888 · 29/03/2016 11:49

Im not going to go and I accept its probably a bad idea but still genuinely has no one ever told someone their partner is cheating on them I dont think it makes me a total loon to consider it surely. I know I sound stupid and pathetic and shouldnt do it. it seemed a last resort.

OP posts:
yorkshapudding · 29/03/2016 11:50

I don't understand what you think this will achieve, other than further loss of dignity. The thing is, when you found out he was cheating on you with her you forgave him and took him back. Even after he left you for her, you still made the decision to start seeing him again. So what makes you think that she won't do the same?

PalcumTowder · 29/03/2016 11:50

He left you for her. And now he's fucking both of you. Seriously, why are you allowing this?

ollieplimsoles · 29/03/2016 11:51

Christ he's 48!

This I starting to sound like fifty shades of shit op,

He's a massive bell end, and I don't get why people feel sorry for the woman he is with now, she chose to conduct a relationship with him knowing he was with someone else, she had this coming to her.

molyholy · 29/03/2016 11:53

Last resort for what though? Do you think you will show this woman the messages and that twat of a man will say 'oh worriedgirl, I realise I have made a terrible mistake. Please take me back. I love you sooooo much'.

It's NOT going to happen. You are a hole for his dick. Nothing more.

You can do better for yourself. Get some counselling. Get some self esteem and fuck thisx loser off once and for all.

yorkshapudding · 29/03/2016 11:53

Cross post, glad you're not going to go over there. I really think you would regret it.

I don't think its just you threatening to go round there and confront the GF that posters were objecting so strongly to, it's the fact that you're choosing to carry on a relationship with someone who has shown you clearly and repeatedly that they have no intention of being faithful.

Original poster
Worriedgirl888 · 29/03/2016 11:54

ollieplimsoles, well yes I cant understand why she deserves sympathy really...I know maybe I am now no better as such but I do think its a bit harder for me having been with him first for so long.
I fully expect her to probably forgive him, but at least she would know, he wont be able to contact me and wont want to and that would be that. Like I say mad plan I do accept that now.

OP posts:
FeedMyFaceWithJaffaCakes · 29/03/2016 11:56

Um.. op do you have a job? Friends? A hobby? Because you very much need to distract yourself from this obsession you don't sound 31, you sound about 12. He is using you to get his leg over because he knows he can , it has nothing to do with love on his part.