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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really worried about possibly renting privately again aged 35!!?

129 replies

MigraineMartie · 26/03/2016 19:34

Considering moving to the coast to be nearer to my mum ( currently 55 miles away )
Daughter starting school September so not much time to play with and obviously will have missed cut off dates however apparently schools not as over subscribed as here in surrey.
Only real issue is that we are renting this from HA, £1000 a month on an intermediate market rent but been here 4 years and as long as we pay the rent we will never have to leave.
Never rented with kids ( have 4 year old and baby ) but remember it pre kids and it was awful, landlords selling, upping the rent, ordering us not to paint etc etc.
Dreading the instability of it all but my heart wants to be closer to my mum and think better now than once kids are settled at school?

OP posts:
TheBouquets · 28/03/2016 01:39

Jeezo! Now I HAVE heard it all! The OP wants to live near her DM and it is described as "an extremely unhealthy family dynamic between you and your mother".
Maybe the OP likes the seaside as well as her DM. Maybe she thinks fresh air is better for her kids.
To make a statement that a mother daughter relationship is unhealthy leaves me dumbstruck.
OP if you want to do it, take your chances. You never know you might win the lottery and have a better house than a lot of people. You will only ever have one Mum.

Katarzyna79 · 28/03/2016 02:09

well OP I may not be the best person to ask. But the things you talk about I used to do with my mum. I actually had a better relationship with her after marriage and cherished it. she got to see my 2 young kids spend time with them at least twice a week. I miss our talks over tea or lunch. if my mum were still alive I know I wouldn't be moving back to Scotland in a few months. But since she's not here I have no reason to stay here everything here reminds me of her.

the worst things about renting are the constant inspections often without a 24 hr notice, the waiting around for approvals to do minor cosmetic changes i.e put up pics, or paint walls. I think ive been in 5-6 rentals over the 10 years of renting. The one id had probs with the most is my current one. But since we've put in a complaint in writing things have rapidly improved.

we were never kicked out we always moved due to circumstances. of the 5 2 properties we were told we could stay for as many years as we liked without worrying they had no plans to sell.

plus I find private rentals you can get a place with the amount of space you like. i spend a lot of my time indoors with kids so i value the space at home. council properties tend to be very small and lack storage. ive lived like that growing up and I don't see why I should continue doing that till I die its bloody depressing.

it is a risk if you don't like the landlord or he/she is messing you around but they can't force you out either you will have time to find another place should that occur.

MattDillonsPants · 28/03/2016 02:11

Xena she does know how it works. Further upthread she says she's aware that she might not simply be offered a house or flat...but that emergency B&B accomodation is a reality.

I agree that it's not sounding like an "extremely unhealthy family dynamic" at all.

No, not ALL parents cry when their children and GC leave...but some do. OP doesn't seem upset by her Mother's desire to be near her. On the contrary she seems to feel just as strongly.

That's the way some people are. It really is up to OP.

Original poster
MigraineMartie · 28/03/2016 07:36

I am totally aware of how councils work, hence I've never done it, I've always moved before it got to that however this time around now we have children and one wage we would absolutely not be able to afford the fees and deposit again so it would fall on the council to assist.
Although of course I'm aware they generally only do that when the bailiffs turn up and could be a room for a very long time and not even in the same area, although it should be if children are in school it all depends the demand at the time.
I don't want to do that to the kids, of course I don't, but it's making me pretty miserable being this far away from her.
Maybe I'm being selfish and should think of stability for the children more and not the time they could spend with my mum.
Also, my mum and stepdad are not yet at the official pension age so they were affected by the bedroom tax and when they requested a move to a one bedroomed property they were offered the 12th floor in a high rise block, so they did what they thought best and moved to the seaside where they can afford a two bedroomed house and have both found part time jobs to pay the rent.
If the absolute worst happened we could always stay with them and the council would have to help as we would be over crowded I guess but whilst all this would probably work to a degree whilst the kids are so young it would be a nightmare in 5 years say.
Thanks for the links to the other posts although OPs worries seem to be different and based on the fact Bognor Regis isn't a desirable place to live. Horsham is only 40 mins away too so I wouldn't be worrying at all if I were her!

OP posts:
MaybeDoctor · 28/03/2016 08:04

Your mum chose to move, surely she knew there would be consequences to that? Crying about it now is hugely manipulative.

She is fit, active and not even retired - she should be coming to visit you several times a year. It is 2hr 15 on the train, with one change.

I think you are underplaying the importance of a good school for your children. This is their chance for education and getting started in life - your mum has made her choices, don't let her choices dictate their life chances.

xenapants · 28/03/2016 08:35

I don't want to do that to the kids, of course I don't, but it's making me pretty miserable being this far away from her. Maybe I'm being selfish and should think of stability for the children more and not the time they could spend with my mum.

Well of course you are. I can't believe you're even questioning that; you're thinking of giving up a secure home for your children and actually contemplating "oh, bed and breakfast won't be so bad for a while", just so you can be near your mum? Honestly, you need to grow up. You have a family of your own. You should be putting their needs first and I think it's fairly shocking that you're not. You're not thinking about the time your kids could spend with your mum, you're thinking of yourself. Time to cut the apron strings. You're 35, for goodness' sake.

OliviaBenson · 28/03/2016 08:46

I don't think the council would 'have to help' due to overcrowding if you lived with your parents. Your ignorance regarding the council housing situation is worrying.

feellikeahugefailure · 28/03/2016 09:07

I wouldn't if I was you. Having social housing is like winning the lottery - don't leave it!

Original poster
MigraineMartie · 28/03/2016 09:20

I didnt mean it like that although I see how it's come across
Obviously if I were to do it I would try my absolute best to get a long term rental however I do know things can change quite quickly, we once had a house that the landlord promised could be 20+ years as it was just an investment and within 3 months she was remortgaging it with a view to sell at our 6 months break clause.
Just to add, this isn't social housing, it is intermediate rent it's just owned by a housing trust rather than a private landlord.

OP posts:
Osirus · 28/03/2016 09:29

**Half of me thinks go into it renting just once as if asked to leave we wouldn't be lying saying we can't afford another deposit / fees etc so surely the council will have to assist but the other half thinks I can't do that to the kids.

You are not being realistic about how much help you will get from the council. My sister had to wait FIVE years after being made homeless with two children before the council finally allocated accommodation to her, and she was high priority. You would be very selfish to do that to your children. You would also risk causing them long term anxiety and insecurity issues through not having a stable home. I've seen this first hand and it really isn't nice for the children. As a mother, put your children first.

MattDillonsPants · 28/03/2016 09:34

Xena I gave up a council flat to move to Australia. Was I being selfish? My DC were very happy in their schools...though older DD had yet to move up to the local comp. I left that "secure" life to live in an entirely different country...away from all their friends and family.

They are by the way, very happy with our new lives and with our new RENTAL...private or not. It's not long term....we might have to leave in 10 months when the lease is up...but I have no regrets and neither do they.

Katarzyna79 · 28/03/2016 10:24

matt i would have done the same given such an opportunity to move abroad, life is too short why live with regrets. i know my husband would too. She just has to ensure she has the funds for deposits and rent should she need to move again. A job relocation too if she's working already

MattDillonsPants · 28/03/2016 10:26

Yes...it's too stressful without a back up fund for moving Katarzyna I agree.

AndNowItsSeven · 28/03/2016 10:32

Your mum is 65 could you not have helped out with the bedroom tax until she was pension age? It would have been cheaper than you moving. Having said that your mum could have afforded it herself it would have been cheaper than her move.
No you still don't get how councils work they will give you free money ie a deposit to move to private rental and the insecurity states all over again.
You and you mother both are putting your own interests before the children.

Katarzyna79 · 28/03/2016 10:36

you cant rely on the council. i wouldnt impose on parebts either sooner or later if you're there for yrs theyll resent you. One of my brothers did this he took the piss. Kept turning down council properties livung with mybparents and his large hrood of kids for free. hes only just moved after 10 yrs of marriage and more thsn 5 yrs on council list. They offered him b&b n my parents should have kicked him out instead they let him live rentvfree while he just waited for a house he deemed big enough. He should have worked and got a private rental not sponged off parents and make his kids sleep on top of each other. Hes has the same size family as me no ones ever helped us we couldnt sit around waiting for a council property. Renting isnt so bad, just need to make sure ur working to have funds should u needvto move.if ur plan is to rely on council funds i dontbthink u should move too risky.

MattDillonsPants · 28/03/2016 10:47

Seven why on earth would OP pay her Mum's bedroom tax? Hmm

bakingaddict · 28/03/2016 10:59

How much extra was the bedroom tax...it's sounds strange that the OPs mum gave up her council property but in order to facilitate this move to Bognor both her and the step-dad have had to get part-time jobs to afford rent. Why didn't the mum stay put and just pay the extra? I get you are close but both you and your mum seem incapable of looking at things longer term

AndNowItsSeven · 28/03/2016 11:39

Matt because she wants to live near her mum it would have been cheaper for her to pay it for a few months than the cost of moving.
Of course it's not her responsibility to but then the op would have what she wants her mum leaving nearby and the secure tenancy.
Not that I believe her mum anyway as the bedroom tax for a few months would have been less money than a deposit and moving costs.

AndNowItsSeven · 28/03/2016 11:40

I estimate between £8-£12 a week bedroom tax baking.

Original poster
MigraineMartie · 28/03/2016 11:41

My mum wanted to leave surrey anyway, she wasn't in Kingston where we are, she was in a 2 bedroom flat with no garden in streatham which she hated.

OP posts:
MattDillonsPants · 28/03/2016 11:52

OP...you're getting grilled here...the BEST thing you can do is talk it over with your partner and decide from there. Nobody here can tell you what to do.

You're afraid of making the wrong choice...but there IS no wrong choice because none of us can see into the future.

littleleftie · 28/03/2016 12:04

YABU - no way would I give up secure HA in your situation.

If and when your DM is alone, she can make a decision about whether she misses you so much she wants to move back your way, or not.

Why is it you who has to pack up your whole family life?

Capricorn76 · 28/03/2016 12:06

So your mum willingly moved 55 miles away and can't be arsed to catch a train to see her grandkids that she apparently misses so much? And now you're contemplating diminishing their future opportunities and risking secure housing to move nearer to her?

Your kids and DH don't seem to figure in your decision making at all. He seriously can't be supportive of this.

AndNowItsSeven · 28/03/2016 12:09

Op I understand you want to live near your mum but she is coming across as selfish and manipulative. Please don't don't end up like her - put your dc first.

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