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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really worried about possibly renting privately again aged 35!!?

129 replies

MigraineMartie · 26/03/2016 19:34

Considering moving to the coast to be nearer to my mum ( currently 55 miles away )
Daughter starting school September so not much time to play with and obviously will have missed cut off dates however apparently schools not as over subscribed as here in surrey.
Only real issue is that we are renting this from HA, £1000 a month on an intermediate market rent but been here 4 years and as long as we pay the rent we will never have to leave.
Never rented with kids ( have 4 year old and baby ) but remember it pre kids and it was awful, landlords selling, upping the rent, ordering us not to paint etc etc.
Dreading the instability of it all but my heart wants to be closer to my mum and think better now than once kids are settled at school?

OP posts:
MattDillonsPants · 27/03/2016 12:19

Problems really kick in when they've started school and your landlord decides to sell....and you can't get anything near school.

Original poster
MigraineMartie · 27/03/2016 12:25

My mum is quite emotional, I don't think she means to do it, she was a single parent for a long time only meeting my step dad 5 years ago and we have always been very close.
Saying that I did leave home at 19 but he always rented within 15 mins and a bus ride away.
She doesn't drive so it falls on me to do the travelling too which is draining after a busy week tbh.
No my husband wouldn't have to do a massive commute luckily, he can work where he wants as works for himself.
I have checked with the council as they would have a duty as long as we had lived in the area for 6 months although obviously that could be a 2 bedroomed flat somehere as the kids aren't eligible for their own rooms in their eyes at the moment and it may be temporary housing / BNB type place for a while but in the end would be something long term surely.
I wouldn't want it to happen obviously as if we did move would be looking at a house near what school had space but I do drive so could get them to school to keep them with friends etc.

OP posts:
redgoat · 27/03/2016 12:27

I also don't think you should be moving.

Your life is where your are now and it's very unfair of your mum to be encouraging you to give that up because she made a decision to move.

OliviaBenson · 27/03/2016 12:38

I think this would be a huge mistake. Your kids won't want to spend every weekend with granny as they grow up and gave their own interests.

I think you are also blinkered about council housing, the reality is you could be in a b&b for months and months. Schools are worse there, none secure housing, what is it that makes you want to move so much?

Are you trying to appease your mother? What does your DH think?

grapejuicerocks · 27/03/2016 12:42

I've moved around a bit and now I've realised that home is where your friends and family are. The place is irrelevant. In an ideal world I would be living somewhere much nicer but I wouldn't want to be away from my family, especially when you have children. Having said that I've never been in a situation of having no choice re housing and being at the beck and call of landlords.

We have a buy to let and all we want are long good term tenants. We have been lucky so far. Our letting agent was aware that we wanted long term tenants. Be careful about the property you take on. Ask questions about the landlords situation. Go through a reputable letting agent and ask them to match you with someone who is in it for the long term. Ok you might still get screwed over, but there are good landlords out there who want exactly the same as you do.

Are jobs lined up there for either of you?

Capricorn76 · 27/03/2016 12:58

Your mother is being very selfish and you're being very foolish. I would never even contemplate sending my kids to an area with worse housing, schools and job opportunities because my my mum cries every week. Put your kids first.

DangerMouth · 27/03/2016 12:59

OP l sort of envy you thinking of making this move to be near your dm. We are thinking of selling and moving home to Australia, but the thought of giving up my home and quitting my job is paralysing me. If it's only 55 miles l think it's not far enough to chuck in a secure rental but I'm looking at is from the point it takes a whole day and a lot of money for me to visit my dm.

MattDillonsPants · 27/03/2016 13:09

Danger I've recently moved to Oz with my DH and DC. It paralyzed me for about three years before we did it!

The thing that made me do it was that we got housed in a two bed council flat! We couldn;t afford anything better privately and then relatives offered to assist with a move to Oz so looking at our future in the UK...on a not nice estate near a failing school we made the move.

Best move ever. I miss my family of course but we're very happy here.

OP....you said "but in the end would be something long term surely."

Not necessarily. People can be in temp accomodation for years. Whole families in one room.

DangerMouth · 27/03/2016 13:29

Glad to hear that Matt Smile

Life in the UK has been exceptionally good to us considering we arrived with very little money and only the clothes we had in our backpacks. But l thought going home would be easy, maybe it's not the right time for us yet?

sorry to derail OP Blush

MattDillonsPants · 27/03/2016 13:32

Sorry OP. It's always hard to decide when and indeed IF moving is the right thing.

I was tortured for so long....OP the best thing to do is to work out what's more important to you.

Knowing you will be near your Mum...or knowing you've got a secure home.

Yes, you COULD have a secure home again in Bognor...no reason to think you can't get a long term tenancy....but then again you might not and as with any move, there's always a risk.

Could you perhaps get help to buy? On the government scheme?

Original poster
MigraineMartie · 27/03/2016 14:01

Cheers for further replies
No chance as money for buying anything even part buy I'm afraid.
With £1000 a month in rent and my husband earning about double that, with two young kids there is no money to spare.
My head says we should stay here where the kids have their own rooms, they will never have to leave their schools when they go and it is only 90 mins away.
It's just my heart saying if we don't do it now will the kids want to do it at all, it will be harder for them to leave friends etc behind.
It's a sense of guilt I suppose, we were always meant to move out with them, they did it and we couldn't :-(
I almost wish we had never been given this and were just privately renting here in which case I would move tomorrow.

OP posts:
AndNowItsSeven · 27/03/2016 20:07

Don't feel guilty, your mum is being selfish. She should tell you to put your dc first not her.
The council may well tell you to privately rent again even if you were evicted as your dh works. They offer rent deposits and if you refuse that help they won't even give you B and B accommodation ( although SS probably would) .

NoArmaniNoPunani · 27/03/2016 20:13

Are you the Bognor Regis poster from a few months ago? If not there must be about 20 threads started by her on the pros and cons of Bognor Regis that you could search for

RedRainRocks · 27/03/2016 20:41

I just checked the housing allocations policy for Bognor and... Well... I wouldn't. HA's and council housing are allocated from a joint register and the criteria are quite strict... Your mum has to have been there for ten years,and need support that only you can give her in order for you to demonstrate a local connection. As previous posters have said; the council may have a duty to house you in the event of homelessness, but they don't have to house you in the borough of your choice. People are being sent outside of the cities in which they are made homeless due to a shortage of affordable accommodation in some areas...

scarlets · 27/03/2016 20:50

Your mother sounds a bit manipulative, with all the crying. Do you really want to be living nearby, at her beck and call, especially if she outlives her husband? Will your husband tire of her eventually? Will she continue to guilt-trip the children when they're teenagers and have plans at weekends that don't involve her? I'd thinkcarefully about this. The rental could be the least of your worries.

motheroreily · 27/03/2016 21:22

Could your mum get the train to see you once a month and you drive to see her once a month?

motheroreily · 27/03/2016 21:24

Sorry I pressed post too soon. That way you could still her once a fortnight without you always having to drive

TheBouquets · 27/03/2016 23:00

Some posters do not seem to realise that some mothers and daughters (and loads of other relationships in the family) can be emotionally close enough to want to live nearby each other.
The mother is said to be "manipulative". Perhaps the real problem is the inability to be mobile in this country with the financial and housing situations.
In recent history up to 1970s a lot of grandmothers had various sons and daughters living within a few streets of each other. I know of a family who are still like that even though the parents are dead and even some of the children are now dead too but they still live in very easy reach and this has been continued by the next generation. It seems that such an arrangement would not be well received on this thread. I think it is nice

AndNowItsSeven · 27/03/2016 23:17

Why did she leave surrey due to bedroom tax when pensioners aren't affected?

IonaNE · 27/03/2016 23:33

OP, you are planning a move that is disadvantageous in every respect. I would keep your secure tenancy. (This from someone who has a secure tenancy and a mother older than yours 1,400 (one thousand four hundred) miles away.)

expatinscotland · 28/03/2016 00:07

Giving up a secure tenancy is a very bad idea.

MattDillonsPants · 28/03/2016 00:38

I keep thinking about this OP...because I've had similar issues and I've changed my opinion. Here's the thing...yes, giving up a secure tenancy is a bad idea BUT OP quite obviously really wants to be near her Mum.

In order to do that, then she has to make a sacrifice. Life is full of twists and turns and nothing is REALLY secure. She may find that in three years time, her secure tenancy changes....for some legal reason...and is no longer secure. The state of housing in the UK really means ANYTHING is possible.

People have been given enforced purchase orders in London...that's people who OWN their homes being MADE to sell them....NOTHING in life is guaranteed.

Therefore OP...I think you should move. You obviously want to. Research schools and try to get close to the best possible choice. Move. Don't worry about tomorrow....you only have today.

IHaveBrilloHair · 28/03/2016 00:39

A Mum crying when her Grandchildren leave is not normal, and it's certainly going to get worse in relaionship terms living nearer, that with worse schools and uncertain living conditions.
This has nightmare written all over it.

xenapants · 28/03/2016 01:03

Do you have any idea how the council house system actually works? It seems not. You seem to think you'll just get on the list and be offered a place straight away just because a landlord gives you notice. It does not work like this. Once you're accepted onto the list - and it took me nearly a year to even be assessed and I'm disabled with a medical need for ground floor - you have to "bid" for properties, and people who have been on the list longer than you take priority.

They have a duty to house you, but you might end up in B&B for years. How is that fair on your kids? In my area, there are well over 100 people bidding for each of the 2-bedroomed places. Additionally, it's unfair to people who already live in the area.

This sounds like an extremely unhealthy family dynamic between you and your mother and you have your head in the clouds about housing.

bloodyteenagers · 28/03/2016 01:24

Another point to make with regards to council housing.

They will only assist when bailiffs are on your door, possibly with police presence to kick you out.. I wouldn't knowingly put my children in that situation by giving up secure housing.

Then they don't have to put you into a flat or house. Some b&b's are not nice and not a nice environment for children. You could be in that room for years if you stick it out. Temp accommodation isn't cheap either and you would be paying for the privilege to live in a shit hole.

She didn't have to move. As a pensioner she was exempt from the spare room thing.