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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really worried about possibly renting privately again aged 35!!?

129 replies

MigraineMartie · 26/03/2016 19:34

Considering moving to the coast to be nearer to my mum ( currently 55 miles away )
Daughter starting school September so not much time to play with and obviously will have missed cut off dates however apparently schools not as over subscribed as here in surrey.
Only real issue is that we are renting this from HA, £1000 a month on an intermediate market rent but been here 4 years and as long as we pay the rent we will never have to leave.
Never rented with kids ( have 4 year old and baby ) but remember it pre kids and it was awful, landlords selling, upping the rent, ordering us not to paint etc etc.
Dreading the instability of it all but my heart wants to be closer to my mum and think better now than once kids are settled at school?

OP posts:
MattDillonsPants · 27/03/2016 02:03

Why are you wanting to move though OP? Your Mum is fine at the moment...as is your step dad I assume.

Original poster
MigraineMartie · 27/03/2016 02:10

I just miss being closer to her
I miss the kids seeing her a few times a week, odd coffee mornings and collecting DD from pre school with me.
I know it sounds so stupid as I'm 35 with a husband and two children but I'm just really missing my mum at the moment.

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 27/03/2016 02:12

Is an exchange with someone in that area also in HA/council a possibility?

TheBouquets · 27/03/2016 02:38

You are contemplating a major move. I get that you want to do it before DCs get too involved with schools etc. If your DM and DSF were not living in that area would you still want to live there? Do you have other family and friends around you at your current location who would help out in an emergency? If anything happened to DM and DSF would you and DP and DCs want to stay on in the area? This is not actually an IF more of a WHEN. Are you going to this coastal place totally to be near DM.
I did something along these lines and although I do not regret having done so in order to help DM and DF. Things have changed now over 10 years later. The main support has died. The DCs are at home here. Time is going on, everyone is getting older. I am worried about not being able to get DCs to leave here. They have all sorts going on here and can barely remember where we were before. The remaining DP is getting on a bit and the stress of a move could be the straw that breaks the camel's back, physically or mentally or even both. There have been changes where we were before which makes the place rather less than ideal. Changes where we are just now are not really enhancing in any way any enjoyment living here.
It is a huge move especially giving up a safe tenancy it needs a lot of thought and discussion. I made the decision from a position of concern for suddenly aging parents. I did not apply the brain completely.
I wish you luck whatever your choice

Original poster
MigraineMartie · 27/03/2016 07:05

Above op,
Can I ask why you would like to move back to your previous area?
My issue is yours in reverse I guess as in I'm worried the older the kids get the less likely they will want to move when the time comes that we have to.
Be it in 10 years when they're teenagers I can't imagine them wanting to leave busy Kingston for a quiet seaside resort ;(

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 27/03/2016 07:13

Can I ask where on the south coast... it's where I am might be able to help with School's.

ArmchairTraveller · 27/03/2016 07:19

It has to be a decision for you and your partner, but I wouldn't leave a secure tenancy that pretty much guaranteed a stablehome for my chilren just because I missed my mum.
Moving 4 times in 4 years? That's not a good future for them.
55 miles is easy visiting distance, many commute further than that every day.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 27/03/2016 07:22

Don't give up a secure tenancy. It's not fair on your children.

Greengager · 27/03/2016 08:43

I wouldn't make this move just because you miss your mum. Your kids will have better opportunities / schools in Surrey. Jobs are hard to come by on the coast.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 27/03/2016 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheBouquets · 27/03/2016 09:19

Migraine Martie - I only moved to where I live now, which is the place I was born and brought up, because my DPs were looking so ill and I was a long and difficult journey away, at least 10 hours travelling, if I was needed urgently. I was moving back to where I had lived before. I was happier in the place that I had moved to but felt the DPs needed someone close by and I was it. I gave up my dream place to be with family who were in ill health. I had moved away because I had found a better place to live. I am now living in the place I had not liked. The greatest need for me to be here is over and I just feel so unhappy here now and that it is expected of me to constantly fit in with what others want and to give up all my dreams and wishes. The DCs seem to like it here.
Hope that answers your question.

AnUtterIdiot · 27/03/2016 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ReginaBlitz · 27/03/2016 09:46

55 miles isn't far and the novelty of living near her will soon wear off. She chose to move maybe she wants a bit of peace away from everyone.

Shalomebony · 27/03/2016 10:07

Renter here: just take your time in finding the right property.

There are some good LLs out there; I was chatting to an EA about our requirements a few years ago and she said that LLs with larger portfolios, country estates and organisations such as the National Trust tend to want long term tenants. We're with once such organisation but the tenancies tend to be 24months and Statutory Periodic afterwards.

I would advise to hang on to an Assured Tenancy as they are rare as hen's teeth now....but what value is a Assured Tenancy if you are not allowed to live in peace?

I had an extremely unusual situation where two HA neighbours moved out either side of me within a year (one to an inherited house, the other, to be nearer a school) and they were replaced with two families who were truly the NFH. (24 hours NFH)

Long story cut short...we stuck it out for as long as we could (years) because of the secure tenancy but ended up moving to private rent because our health was suffering and one of the kids was developing PTSD/OCD due to bullying.

This is an attempt to re-balance the discussion a little...secure tenancies are golden, but at what cost?

xenapants · 27/03/2016 10:12

Have you actually determined that your mum wants to be this involved in your kids lives (doing the school run with you, etc) or are you just assuming? Because if she moved away to the coast, it's likely she may want a bit of peace and quiet with her husband and to do her own thing. Giving up a secure tenancy for private rented, especially if you don't know if it'll work out as you're picturing it, is madness.

TheBouquets · 27/03/2016 10:29

Good point Xenapants. Maybe the DM has gone a distance but not a great distance to have her own life but still within reach to see DGC fairly often. I also think that there is a hint in your post that would suggest what I should think about in connection with my future dilema.

Original poster
MigraineMartie · 27/03/2016 10:31

It's Bognor Regis where she is
We are in Kingston upon Thames, surrey - for the person that asked locations
No she desperately wants us to move closer, she does understand our predicament but would have us close in a heart beat.
Generally it's her and the kids crying every time we drive away ;(
She left surrey due to the bedroom tax issue as she had a council property with an extra room she didn't need, got offered a 1 bed high rise flat so left for the seaside instead and is renting privately now for the first time.
Half of me knows it wouldn't be a good idea, I'm pretty aware the schools aren't as good and jobs for the kids may be harder to get but the only half thinks we only live once and what's the point if we can't be near our loved ones.
If we were to rent a house there and got given our notice it does fall on the council to assist as long as we have been there 6 months.
Never wanted to have to do that and always managed to scrape deposits together etc before but literally wouldn't be able to again.

OP posts:
DonkeyOaty · 27/03/2016 10:57

She shouldn't be crying at leaving time Shock Your poor children. Memories of granny time = weeping and wailing instead of What a great weekend, can't wait to do it again!

Don't give up a secure tenancy and have a bloody long hard look at your mum's motives for moving away and wanting to finance your upheaving of your family Hmm

xenapants · 27/03/2016 11:14

That sounds like emotional blackmail to me, OP. It's ridiculous that she's crying as you're driving away, what sort of message is that giving to your kids? Especially since she's the one who moved.

What about work? Would your partner have to do a horrific commute if you moved?

xenapants · 27/03/2016 11:22

Also OP, you seem to think that all you have to do to get a council property in the new area is to be given notice by a landlord. That's a dangerous assumption. It may be the case that it would expedite you if you were already on the list for other reasons but how do you know you're even eligible in the first place? Have you checked out the waiting list? You may end up in B&B for ages before you got offered a place.

MattDillonsPants · 27/03/2016 11:28

Be aware though that should you get council housing in Bognor, it may not be what you want....I had this exact situation and ended up in a horrible flat with no garden and awful neighbours. Consider that as a reality.

xenapants · 27/03/2016 11:38

Indeed. The council may well have a "duty to help" once you've been there six months but that does not mean "if the landlord gives notice we'll get a council house/flat". It means just that - they have a duty to house you, somewhere, which means B&B, until you work your way up the list for something better. With your two kids. If you refuse it, you'll be removed from the list. They only have to make one offer in the case of impending homelessness, at least my local council do.

MattDillonsPants · 27/03/2016 11:40

It does vary from council to council but OP....council housing is in very short supply these days and even in my home town where homelessnes is rare, we got given a shitty two bed flat...tiny...for me, DH and 2 DC. We're out of it now....spent a year there before we couldn;t cope and left.

NeedACleverNN · 27/03/2016 11:49

I wouldn't leave if you don't have to!

We have always rented. This is our 5th house in 4 years and is looking to be permanent.

The land lady lives a distance away so is happy for us to decorate at will, get pets etc etc as long as rent is paid.

Other places were no nails in the wall, no decoration, no pets etc

MattDillonsPants · 27/03/2016 12:19

OP I also miss my Mum.....but we live on the other side of the globe. In your shoes, I would work at making it possible to visit more often. Within the UK, weekends should be perfectly doable. The constant upheaval of renting and moving is awful when you've got kids...bad enough without....but the prob