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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have just lost it with my niece on Fb over her comments about ADHD

121 replies

coffeeisnectar · 26/03/2016 18:54

Basically she's saying that children aren't born with ADHD, it's down to parenting.

She's 20 years old. She's not got any children although she's pregnant for the third time (2 terminations)

I pulled her up on it and told her that if my DD is diagnosed with autism (which is very likely) then it would be my fault. She told me to piss off and told me I'm a fucking useless aunt and need to butt out of her family business.

So I've ripped her a new one and told her to grow up.

I'm fuming. I know I'm probably being very U but I'm very stressed today and reading that utter bullshit just pushed me over the edge.

Best laugh is, she says she's going to be a mental health nurse. Dear God!

OP posts:
WanderingNotLost · 26/03/2016 19:32

It's very difficult to actually get a diagnosis of any kind.

That may be the case here but it certainly isn't across the pond- I've worked with so many kids who are energetic and sometimes hard to handle but nowhere near mental disorder level, but their parents/Drs throw Ritalin at the problem because they don't have the time/can't be bothered to try anything else. It's sad to see.

SilverBirchWithout · 26/03/2016 19:39

You both sound delightful Sad

dizzytomato · 26/03/2016 19:41

She's young and ignorant. At least she's choosing a profession where she might learn something.

Original poster
coffeeisnectar · 26/03/2016 19:45

ok it might not have been wise to mention her two terminations but I didn't want the comments about her having her first baby and how she must think she knows it all and she will learn. I apologise for bringing it up.

I've had her as a friend on FB as she's got a rough relationship with her own mum and have tried to support her. She goes from being her mums best friends to slagging her off. I won't need to delete her, she will probably delete me and she's gone through about 5 facebook accounts in the last couple of years.

I don't normally react but I do like to point out where people are talking out of their arse. There is a friend of her mums on there whose child has ADHD and she's actually telling this woman that it's her fault her child has this. I'm mainly providing some sort of support for her while pointing out that ADHD is a neurological disorder which is there from birth and is not a MH issue nor is it a parenting issue.

It's actually hugely insulting to suggest a child with a neurological disorder such as ADHD or autism is the way they are because the parent has 'made them like it'.

I'm not going to reply to her any more. She was extremely rude and I've made two comments to her. The first saying that when my DD or if my DD gets her diagnosis I should blame myself? and the second pointing out that ADHD is a neurological disorder and that she needs to educate herself and grow up.

OP posts:
Original poster
coffeeisnectar · 26/03/2016 19:47

oh, she's deleted the post now so maybe she's finally seen sense.

OP posts:
dizzytomato · 26/03/2016 19:51

WanderingNotLost worked for 4 years in US special education with EBD and PTSD kids, a lot also had ADHD. The psychologists and doctors I worked with were not in the habit of throwing medication and diagnosis around like candy.

To meet the criterea to be tested there needs to be referrals and various meetings of professionals with experience. Being hard to handle and energetic ARE signs of ADHD. I'm a psychologist with 4 children, one has ADHD. He is not medicated and his teacher finds him a delight to teach, he doesn't have a mental disorder he has additional needs.

weirdsister · 26/03/2016 19:52

What a surprise. At least 2 posters already who claim to be able to rule out ADHD in children with a diagnosis.

Buckinbronco · 26/03/2016 19:52

You two are bickering on FB over ADHD? Why?! How ridiculous and humiliating

Original poster
coffeeisnectar · 26/03/2016 19:52

Look I know I'm being U. I know that I shouldn't have stooped to her level. I know that I shouldn't have mentioned her terminations. But. I have fought to get my DD help and a diagnosis for a long time. I have been told it's my parenting. I have been told it's my fault. But it's not and I'm finally being listened to and I'm finally having her issues dealt with. Then I see her blaming parenting for things like ADHD and I just want to scream.

Can you tell that DD had a two hour melt down today and I've been stressed ever since? I've been trying to get the new printer to work and finally managed to get clues printed off for tomorrow but I really need to de-stress.

Consider myself told I am U and lets be done with it. :o

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 26/03/2016 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 26/03/2016 19:56

Flowers op, sounds like you've had had a rough time today.

Hope your dd gets the help she needs soon.

sleeponeday · 26/03/2016 20:09

She sounds horrible. Hope you've blocked her! Flowers

maydancer · 26/03/2016 20:11

Playing all this out in a public arena is undignified Someone has an opinion you don't agree with, you just ignore and scroll past instead of carrying on like fishwives

mathanxiety · 26/03/2016 20:20

Rule to live by:
Don't browse FB when you're trying to get something done or a DC is giving you a hard time.

I agree with Zippey, and Maydancer.

ThirtyNineWeeks · 26/03/2016 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

lljkk · 26/03/2016 20:21

I recently heard this for first time ever maybe IRL, from DS2 football coach. He was adamant. ADHD is just an excuse for bad parenting. Gosh I wish I lived in his sheltered simple world.

Coach's wife loathes me which has to do with middle DS1's behaviour in past, so I kind of firmly now know where she's coming from. DS1 doesn't have ADHD, btw, was a PITA kid, though.

I could hold a grudge but it's not going to make anything better. It's not like I socialise with these people. DS2 just wants to play footie on a team with his mates.

Squiff85 · 26/03/2016 20:22

Wow, 2 terminations at 20 - nice!

Ignore her, she sounds vile

sleeponeday · 26/03/2016 20:27

ADHD and autism are hugely complex and hard conditions for a parent to manage. You have none of the wiggle room you do with a child not facing those challenges. It's tough. And having someone claim that your child's challenges, and the very tough circumstances you are all facing, isn't because they have a neuro-developmental difficulty, but because you are a shitty parent... that is going to press someone's buttons. Hard. Add in exhaustion, mental but almost certainly also physical (sleep problems are linked to autism, and I believe though don't know ADHD), and fear for what the future may hold for your absolutely loved, beautiful, amazing child, and you get a bit stressed, shall we say.

If you were in that boat, and someone ambushed you via a FB post that essentially said actions of yours had desperately harmed your child, in conversation with someone else who also had a child with additional needs, and that person was a member of your own family, you'd always find it easy to keep your temper? Gosh. You are... unusually level-headed.

OP, come and post on the SN Chat. People there will understand the levels of stress you deal with, and the concept of having no patience left in the tank for idiots. Flowers

RoobyTuesday · 26/03/2016 20:31

'Ripped her a new one' - what does that mean? Never heard that expression before.
Facebook is not the place to educate the ignorant - ignore. She sounds very immature.

MrsDeVere · 26/03/2016 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

missbishi · 26/03/2016 20:36

Wow, 2 terminations at 20 - nice!
You know fuck all about the circumstances so probably best to reserve judgement.

snottybeammeup · 26/03/2016 20:41

Wow, 2 terminations at 20 - nice!

Yup she is a hopeless slag.

i was a judgy wankers like her. Im 42 and have two . . . yes TWO children with ADHD. She is an ignorant dim fool. Just like I was at her age.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 26/03/2016 20:47

YANBU.
Hopefully she will grow out of being ignorant, clueless and gobby.

Original poster
coffeeisnectar · 26/03/2016 20:47

Ho hum. Seems I'm still getting a pasting here and on facebook.

She's removed me as a friend. She threw the dummy out yesterday and deleted her mum. My DD is still friends with her and has shown me a post where she's slagging me off, calling me mental and basically saying I'm a slag for having two kids with two dads and it's no wonder my younger DD is mental when I'm screwed up myself. Nice.

I've just got off the phone to her mum (she called me) and I told her what had been said and she just sighed and said she's bloody sick of the drama she causes and was very upset that her daughter had been giving her friend a hard time over her son's ADHD diagnosis.

Anyway, as far as I'm concerned I'm done with it. I've tried so hard over the years to talk to her, to try and get her to go home when she's run off or to calm down when she's kicked off at her mum yet again. But she never listens.

There is a long history with my niece. A very long one. This is just another bump on a very bumpy road. The whole family are exhausted with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
coffeeisnectar · 26/03/2016 20:50

missbishi I do know the circumstances. Both were short term relationships (think a few weeks) and both blokes ran a mile.

She's been 'married' (it was an Islamic blessing, not a legal marriage) a few weeks. They live with his parents. His mum has been on the phone moaning to my sister saying the pair of them aren't pulling their weight at home. My sister pointed out that as they had the engagement and the marriage blessing without my sister being told about it nor being invited, it was nothing to do with her.

OP posts: