to have just lost it with my niece on Fb over her comments about ADHD

[coffeeisnectar]

Basically she's saying that children aren't born with ADHD, it's down to parenting.

She's 20 years old. She's not got any children although she's pregnant for the third time (2 terminations)

I pulled her up on it and told her that if my DD is diagnosed with autism (which is very likely) then it would be my fault. She told me to piss off and told me I'm a fucking useless aunt and need to butt out of her family business.

So I've ripped her a new one and told her to grow up.

I'm fuming. I know I'm probably being very U but I'm very stressed today and reading that utter bullshit just pushed me over the edge.

Best laugh is, she says she's going to be a mental health nurse. Dear God!

[Ohfourfoxache]

Urgh, what a pathetic little madam

Just completely and utterly ignore. She isn't worth the headspace. Personally if she tries to get in contact again I would ignore every single attempt.

[StarUtopia]

The problem with ADHD is that most children who actually do have it, don't display the type of poor behaviour that we (or rather the media) now associate with it. True ADHD isn't some 'screaming brat who needs disciplining'. That probably is poor parenting. And sadly, yes, some poor parents will try to find any excuse as to why their little darling isn't behaving the way they should. Doesn't make it not exist though, does it?

Regardless of that. Really.You sound as bad as each other.

[ElderlyKoreanLady]

I think many families have a fb drama llama who frequently posts inflammatory things specifically for the argument. Mine has one. My cousin actually who I'm very close to nowadays. She's very damaged and it sounds like she and your niece share a similar chaotic lifestyle. Things improved between us when I stopped engaging and I'm now one of the few people she listens to. Even if this isn't possible for you and your niece, disengaging really is best for you. You won't convince her she's wrong, you won't make yourself feel better but you will make a show of yourself on FB.

[StrictlyMumDancing]

The problem with ADHD is that most children who actually do have it, don't display the type of poor behaviour that we (or rather the media) now associate with it. True ADHD isn't some 'screaming brat who needs disciplining'.

Its sad that this is the view that people have on ADHD, and also completely why I've had a number of people express shock that they know a grown adult (me of course).

But in a world of judge and be judged it does sound like, after all the updates, that the niece may well be a screaming brat who needs some discipline

[Phalenopsisgirl]

Personally I think the 2 terminations gives some character reference. At 20 one termination is an unfortunate life lesson learnt, 2 -unless surrounded by very exceptional circumstances, shows a callous lack of respect for life. I think this may have been what the op was trying to put across.

[StrictlyMumDancing]

Of course I mean they know a grown adult with the condition

[weirdsister]

I really can't understand people who insist that ADHD is environmental or due to neglect. Scientific research consistently points to ADHD being genetic.
You can't argue with stupid though.

[SoThatHappened]

Perhaps she has learned by example.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Do,you not have to run the prove your a half decent parent gauntlet before you get a DX these days?

Fuck me not that long ago you had to spend about a year being accused of being a shit parent and threatened with all sorts before you could even get a referal to the dx team

[Samcro]

just defriend her and block her..
I wouldn't give air space to a disablist twat

[bloodyteenagers]

You both need to grow up.
It's not her fault that even the nhs themselves still say that adhd can be a result of decisions parents make either during pregnancy or during the early years.

Rather than ripping her a new one,
You could have linked her to reputable sites that now disprove this, and that say it is now fully down to genetics.

[RubbleBubble00]

NeedsAsockamnesty - you have to attended 12 wk parenting course here before asd/ADHD ref BUT it was quite useful as involved working 1:1 with specialist who had great experience with asd and ADHD kids - helping me understand dc better. Even she agreed dc referral after second visit. Since ADHD treatment also involves using alternative parenting skills it's not a bad idea tbh

[Proginoskes]

Holy mother of god, after those texts, I think YADNBU!! For what it's worth, I'm "across the pond" and, because of a prevailing viewpoint in the '80s and into the '90s that "only boys have ADHD" combined with the fact that I have the inattentive/poor organization type rather than the hyperactivity type, I wasn't properly diagnosed nor medicated til I was 30. Both DD16 and DS15 have ADHD and in the first years after their diagnoses (third grade/8yo for DS and fifth grade/11yo for DD) I declined medication for them and helped them to learn some of the coping strategies that have helped me - bearing in mind that, similar to the current freakout about opioid pain medications, the day might come when stimulants for ADHD become difficult or impossible to access. DS has been on medication since 13yo and DD has just started it, very carefully in a tiny dose as she also has Bipolar Disorder. The difference in their ability to handle schoolwork and testing, and their improved confidence in those areas, is...stark. I know that the tablets aren't a universal panacea, but for the kids that need them they're well-nigh essential for proper functioning.

As for your niece...whoa. Something is very very wrong there for her to be reacting in that manner, the sending nasty explicit texts to your DD, and I'm almost wondering if it might be worth trying to get her in for a MH assessment?

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

That sounds really good rubble and most certainly helpful.

In days gone by you would be accused of neglect and other such things often almost to the point of breakdown for ages first it was horrifying

[Peyia]

I just read the 'symptoms' in the link posted by a PP.

A child that runs around a lot - I thought all children done that??

A family member of mine has been diagnosed with ADHD. The mum says she struggles more when her DC is on the medication! Clearly more research is required, it's a sad situation as it can alienate the child (family) as the behaviour can be (at times) challenging. This results in the child having low self esteem and the cycle continues negatively. I hope other families are able to manage better than mine.

[Peyia]

I hadn't read your post Proginoskes before I posted mine. Glad to hear you've found a way to help your family manage the condition. I personally think there are other 'natural' ways to help, perhaps not in all cases as we are all so diffident. As an example my
family members can be calm in certain environments and not in others. I don't know why this is but have noticed it.

[Sallystyle]

It's very difficult to actually get a diagnosis of any kind.

We got one on the second appointment.

We had to fill out a questionnaire, as did the teacher. We got the results at the next appointment, was not difficult at all. Then they offered him meds.

I doubt the diagnosis but that's another thread. There were certainly no big meetings or observing him, just a basic questionnaire we had to fill in.

My sister struggled to get her child diagnosed with ADHD, it took ages and the child is an adult now who struggles with it daily, so it shocked me how quick my son got his, which is partly the reason I think it's the wrong diagnosis.

[missbishi]

one termination is an unfortunate life lesson learnt, 2 -unless surrounded by very exceptional circumstances, shows a callous lack of respect for life
Who on earth made you the "exceptional circumstances" decision maker?

[CockacidalManiac]

She'll fit right into mental health care with a victim blaming mentality like that. She'll go far!

[sleeponeday]

Regardless of whether she said them to the niece I can guarantee you there will be people reading this that have had two abortions themselves.

Indeed, crumbly, and I would be one of them. I also have an autistic child. I think I am therefore rather better qualified than you to hold an opinion on the relative hurt caused by the silent opinions others may hold on the first, and the very real distress caused by the second. But please, do lecture me further on your view that attacking someone over their child's diagnosis, and how they caused it, is just the same in moral terms as quietly disapproving of someone having had more than one termination.

[crumblybiscuits]

sleeponeday
I've hardly given you a lecture, you asked me to explain my point of view further and I did. I didn't say you were less/more deserving of an opinion than me.

[sleeponeday]

Then perhaps your tone is rather more self-righteous than you intended.

(Mine is just as self-righteous as I did. For the avoidance of doubt. )

[embroideredbee]

I know the thread has moved on but I'm wondering if OP can explain this because I don't understand ok it might not have been wise to mention her two terminations but I didn't want the comments about her having her first baby and how she must think she knows it all and she will learn

[coffeeisnectar]

Yeah that was worded badly. What I'm trying to express is that this is not someone who has been in a long term relationship and having her first baby and made an off hand comment about parenting because to be fair, most of us have ideals about how we will parent. Right up until we actually have kids and then half of that goes out of the window. But rather that she's been pregnant three times, terminated two. Never uses contraception. Been with this partner since November and her comments were scathing, absolutely scathing. Even her mums friend whose son has ADHD who was trying to explain that it was a neurological disorder was shot down in flames. Basically anything like ADHD, autism etc is down to parenting and being a selfish mum.

This was compounded by her messages to my teen which I quote in full below:

Your mum is a low life, how fucking dare she slander me on my facebook with people I care about on my facebook you don't know the half of what ur mother is! She's a selfish whore! Slept around done the nasty! Heard she was about when she was younger! Well we will see what she's got to say to my face on Thursday eh! Your mums got issues depression thats why either you or your sister is the one with autism because she was stressing and not caring for herself shes the one who made u like how you are! Because all she did was feel sorry for herself after her dad killed her mum! Selfish bitch. All ur friends will know what type of woman she is! How she talks to people.