to have just lost it with my niece on Fb over her comments about ADHD

[coffeeisnectar]

Basically she's saying that children aren't born with ADHD, it's down to parenting.

She's 20 years old. She's not got any children although she's pregnant for the third time (2 terminations)

I pulled her up on it and told her that if my DD is diagnosed with autism (which is very likely) then it would be my fault. She told me to piss off and told me I'm a fucking useless aunt and need to butt out of her family business.

So I've ripped her a new one and told her to grow up.

I'm fuming. I know I'm probably being very U but I'm very stressed today and reading that utter bullshit just pushed me over the edge.

Best laugh is, she says she's going to be a mental health nurse. Dear God!

[StrictlyMumDancing]

What's your sister saying about these outbursts coffee?

I don't think I'd be visiting unless sister can assure niece is nowhere near. Not through fear just because you can't argue with stupid and I wouldn't want to be with someone that disgusting.

[JOEYDOESNTSHAREFOOD]

Why are you allowing her to contact and abuse your daughter? Block all avenues, she will lose her audience and stop spouting this stuff.

[JammyGem]

That's awful - is there any chance of meeting your sister elsewhere, so your niece can't join you?

[sleeponeday]

Your DD has blocked her, yes? I'm afraid she sounds very toxic. It's awful that she's going to be a mother, especially given the genetic link means she is more likely than average to have a child with a spectrum disorder of some sort herself. She doesn't sound like someone with the maturity, patience or self-awareness to cope, does she, to put it mildly.

OP I know this is easier said than done, but you have to just try to forget this and block her from your life and mind, at least for now. All of us have very finite resources, emotionally and in energy terms, and with a child with the sorts of needs ours do, you can't allow someone as much of a draining distress-causer as this young woman to occupy any of your brain space, or to take up any of your resilience. You need that for yourself and your child.

Sometimes people let you down very badly, and it doesn't really matter in the here and now whether she's broken, or just nasty, or some mixture. You have to just cut it dead and move on, so you don't drown. You have far, far more important things to worry about than her. Every time you get upset about this or allow her to distract your thoughts, she is stealing some of the inner resources your daughter needs, and is entitled to have, from you. Just drop it. Let it go. Seriously.

Again, for you. (And I knew what you meant, about the terminations. Wasn't offended in the least. We all have our own reasons for our choices, good, bad and a mixture of the two, and part of being a grown-up is accepting others may not like them.) And again, come over to SN chat. There are some very lovely, very accepting people there who have walked this path before. A lot of unconditional understanding and support is available.

[TimeToMuskUp]

Dear God she sounds utterly unhinged. Could you cut her out of everyone's lives completely? Would it make things between you and your sister too difficult?

[coffeeisnectar]

Thank you. Firstly I didn't allow her to contact my dd. My dd is nearly 18 and very sensibly did not reply or respond but did screen shot and send to my sister. My sister is utterly horrified and fed up but kind of resigned about it too. My niece also messaged her younger sister who is 13 but obviously gave only one side of things and I had my younger niece messaging me last night. I rang my sister and told her and she was fuming, took her phone off her. Younger niece rang me this morning to apologise.

We have all blocked niece on FB and my sister has told younger niece we are no longer coming as she will tell the older one. I am still going to see my sister, we haven't seen each other for over 13 years. She's never even met my youngest. Just life, distance and families coming first for so long. It's just not worked out. So grabbing this chance!

My sister is lovely, she's been infinitely patient with her oldest but really is at breaking point.

[Hissy]

Your niece got the information from somewhere... Sounds like your sister has been telling her things.

Go and see your sister, face to face and work ou together what can be done.

[sleeponeday]

Yeah, I can understand that. It does sound like your niece has some severe issues, which hopefully she will manage to resolve as she grows up, so she looks after her child properly and is a happier and less destructive person. But you can't be expected to tolerate this degree of abuse and harassment, let alone your own girls.

I hope you have a lovely time with your sis.

[mathanxiety]

There is something seriously askew with your niece. Hopefully it will be flagged before she gets on any training course, but more importantly, before she does damage to her child.

But I agree with Hissy that maybe your sister has been telling the niece things about you -- maybe to explain the 14 year gap in seeing each other. Or it's possible your niece is unhinged to the extent she has made up some narrative for herself.

[LifeofI]

OP unfortunately people like this do work within the nursing field. I had a racist neighbor who use to make fun of mental health who was studying to be a nurse.

[Kennington]

Have a debate on the subject and explain to her why she is incorrect in her assumptions (and back this up with references). This is how we should be debating rather than chucking insults.
She likely got these views from learning that bad parenting can result in some issues and is conflating this with ADHD.
Without good debate you won't change anyone's mind.

[coffeeisnectar]

My niece does not live with my sister, she lives with her 'husband' (not legal marriage as specified before) and his family. My sister hasn't said anything to her DD as her DD removed her from facebook and threw a hissy fit because she (my sister) is taking her other two DD's on holiday in the summer and the older DD's boyfriend is going along too (he is paying for himself) so she thinks that her mum should be paying for her and her husband to go too.

There is nothing to say about me other than a) I have depression (which everyone who knows me knows anyway b) I'm registered disabled and c) my dad killed my mum when I was a child - also common knowledge and nothing I've ever hidden. As for sleeping about, it's not true, and I presume she's just lashing out verbally in any way she thinks may hurt me. Or my DD.

My youngest niece told the oldest one I was going there on Thursday and she rang me this morning to say sorry. She's also been given a talking to by her mum about letting herself get dragged into arguments caused by the oldest. (this is typical behaviour, starts a fight with someone and then when she starts losing the upper hand pulls everyone else into it - she's been sending my sister's partner messages too moaning about the holiday) Just to say that it's 6 weeks before nieces due date and hardly able to fly to the USA at that point!!

My niece turned up at her mums house today and threw her sisters easter egg at the house leaving chocolate all over the path and drive. My sister had to go and clean it up so their dogs didn't eat it. I've been on the phone to my sister for an hour tonight and she's mortified about her DD's comments on FB about ADHD and autism (two more of her friends have messaged her today to say they felt very upset by the remarks) and also the messages sent to my oldest.

All in all, we are all pretty sick and tired of this behaviour. Sitting down and talking to her or pointing her in the direction of informed information is actually laughable in this case. It's just not going to happen. I want nothing to do with her at the moment and not for the foreseeable future either.

[ExasperatedAlmostAlways]

If that was my daughter behaving like that at twenty I'd be telling her I wanted nothing more to do with her unless she agreed to go to a psychologist/councillor.

[mathanxiety]

She sounds completely nuts. Has your sister ever sought professional mental health services for her?

Has she ever had a run-in with the police?

[coffeeisnectar]

Yes there has been various MH involvement but niece wouldn't engage with them. This has been going on for years. And yes police involvement, social services, endless help sought for her but niece says she's "not mental" and basically we can all fuck off with our insinuations. My sister has finally reached the end of the road I think. She has always been there, emotionally, physically, financially and in a practical role. It's all been thrown back in her face. All of it.

[mathanxiety]

This is very hard for your sister but there will soon be a baby thrown into the mix, and she needs to be able to stay close enough to watch out for the baby, and if necessary report any concerns.

[Dollymixtureyumyum]

I would take screen shots and if she ever does apply to be a mental health nurse send it to her uni. Harsh but we do not need or want people like this to go into the mental health field. That's said university's have been known to check Facebook pages to find out more about their perspective students

[starry0ne]

I do wonder if niece is assuming ADHD is caused by bad parenting...Is she blaming here mum for her bahviour?